Words for the boys, I've loved. Loved enough to hurt.

Words for the boys, I've loved. Loved enough to hurt.

1. I've never forgotten all of the firsts that you and I shared. The moments, the times, the depravity, the sensuality. I'll never forget that you handed me your heart. as I shared mine. I'll never forget the look in your eyes as we twisted your heart to make it hurt, the pain, the release, the love. I'll never forget how together for so many years, we enabled each other to be the person we were, the person we needed to be, the person we are. I'll never forget all that you gave, all that you took. I'll never forget what might have been, what could have been, but was never meant to be. I'll never forget you. I'll never forget.

2. We were connected you and I, in a way that surprised us both, with a connection that kept bringing us back over so many years, even though we knew that it wasn't meant to be.  I remember the tears that fell as a result of the spanking, the paddle or the twisting of the heart. But most of all, I remember the tears that fell the day that we had to walk away, the tears that came with the final goodbye. I'll always remember that pain, a pain like no other. I'll always remember you. 

3. You're included here because I loved you enough to hurt you, the reality is that love wasn't enough. While we did so much more than fuck, you fucked it up. There's nothing else to be said.

4. Oh god. I remember the beauty of your submission.  I remember your touch, your presence, your worship.  I remember your mouth against my toes, my skin, my cunt.  I remember the hours that passed as we talked through the night, of how determined you were to never fall asleep before I, the insomniac. I remember the emotional gifts that you gave to me, the way you permitted me to leave my mark upon your skin, the way you put your life into my hands as I took the breath away from your body.  I remember your acceptance of your place within my life, as I accepted your need to submit as a cuckold boy. I can still hear you beg for me to hurt you. I can still see the hurt and pain in your eyes that filled with love, as your tears fell, while you watched he and I fuck. I can still hear you gag the first time you took his cock into your mouth after it had come from inside of me. I can still hear the words "I'm yours", the sound of your voice, the touch of your hands, the beauty of you as you lay broken at my feet and still wanted more. I can still remember the depths of your submissive self. I can remember the love you had, the love you showed, the love we shared. 

5. It infected you. It affected us. A darkness that infiltrated every pore of your being, that led you to wanting to feel pain because it was the only way you could feel. The only time you could physically feel. Emotionally feel. If love or pain was enough to have saved you, you never would have died. I will carry you with me, always.  You were the last I truly loved enough to hurt. But your going left a pain that remains with me still.  My heart carried a love for you then, it will carry it for you always. 

I wrote this once...

 "Of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these, It might have been."John Greenleaf Whittier.

I think and reflect. Of what might have been.Of what could have been.  But of what will never be. 

And I guess, those thoughts are ones of melancholic sadness.  It is always hard to think of the loss of the potential. 

Especially when we know exactly what that potential was or could have been.

It could have been. It might have been. It never will be.

And I write it again now, for the very same reason, almost 10 years on.

Different time. 

Different person

But the very same loss, similar feelings. The same realisation.

Life moves in strange ways. Not always good ones. All I can take from this is knowing that I’ve listened to the part of me that has said “this is not ok”

I will take that. There’s nothing else to take right now.

Time will tell

There's a song, that for some reason I have heard lots recently. 

It reminds me of you. 

It plays over in my mind, or should I say, that one particular verse plays over in my mind, just as the visions and thoughts about you do too.

Thoughts of you creep into my thoughts, often at the most inopportune moments.  

At times that my focus should really be elsewhere.

But then, those thoughts of you bring a smile.

I wonder if the thoughts will ever play out in the reality.  I wonder if they will ever see the light of day outside the depths of my mind.

I guess time will tell.

And while the song and some of the words are beautiful, I hope that the story that sits behind the lyrics is not of how the reality will be. 

I guess time will tell.

I spoke of you yesterday....

I spoke of you yesterday.

For the first time in so many years. 

The sense of loss of the friendship we once had came over me in waves as I later recalled and reflected just how life changed from that day I had to had to leave and walk away. 

That day I had to let go <here>

I can still recall that final touch, the way your skin felt under my fingers as I touched your cheek.

I can still feel that sense of pain as my heart felt like a mirror shattering as it hit the floor in a load of tiny pieces.  

I can still feel the sting of the tear that went down my cheek at that farewell, the one that mirrored your own.

I can still recall the saddest sentence "what might have been", except, I know even now that it would never have been, it could never have been.

I found myself wondering about where life has taken you since then.  

I've seen you twice, once from a distance. And once a moment shared that should never have been.  It's still years since I have seen you. 

I've often thought about where you are, of where you've been.

The passing of time, the passing of the years still do not take away from the loss of the friend I once had, the friendship that we shared.

We shared a lot. 

I carry no regrets only special moments that I will never forget. Except, I do regret the friendship that we lost.

I hope life has been kind.  I hope that you have been happy.

My friend, I wish that for you always.

Lured

He feasts himself upon her skin, mouth moving over the soft curves of her body.  

His hands enjoy the feel of silk as he digs his fingers into her flesh. 

Mouth devouring as he sinks his teeth into her. 

Loving the way her hips thrust upwards into his mouth.

The taste of her skin fills his mouth, harsher his fingers pulled at her skin. As he worked his mouth over the curve of her ass.  

Her scent fills his lungs, luring him deeper beneath her spell. 

He knows

There are times she takes him apart, not with violence but with a look, she stares through his skin, through his bones and sees everything he may seek to deny or hide. 

When he is defeated, she will be there to pick up the pieces, the beast that moments before tore at his skin, gently caresses and holds. She holds his heart and life in her hands, she sees him as him. 

All of him.

She sees his flaws, his failings, his pain. She sees him fall apart and yet holds him together, she sees him at his best even when he feels at his worst, when he wishes he could be more, yet he is so much more than he may see.  

But she sees.

She knows. 

He is hers. 

Forever. Hers. 

And that he knows.