It passes by in a blur.
Life that is.
It has this habit of digging its feet into the mud and kicking up lots of crap that puts up a screen, it makes you lose focus, it stops you doing the things you want to do and the things that you have to do or must do take over.
You lose sight, often of things which are still important as the other things take over. You put on a back burner things that were once bubbling nicely. You have to put on hold things that you really didn't want to.
Not because you want to. But because you have no choice.
It has been like that for me this year. Not just the past month or two, but the whole year. The chance, the time, the motivation and the inspiration to write, has been missing. The chance for many things has been missing.
Life is what happens.
And of course it does. It has to.
But something has to give. Yes, of course, you must prioritise and take care of things that must be taken care of. The necessary things. You have to fight through the things that you have to battle through.
But something will happen that will make you STOP! and realise that things have to change, and that to enable that to happen, you have to make those changes.
That other things are important too.
That there are other important things that are needed in life, aside from the important, aside from those battles. To ensure that those things that have just been on simmer can be brought back to the boil, so that there is time not only to do the things that you want to, but to enjoy them too.
Some things you just cannot prepare for. Some things you just can't stop happening. But, something has to give.
The past months have been filled with levels of stress that I've not had or known for a long while. the insomnia is at its worst for as long as I can remember.
But, with all this going in, it also brings home the void that is there, the void which I want but more so NEED to fill. It brings to the forefront what is missing, it shows you that life is passing by in one big blur. And it shouldn't.
While it is all under control (it has to be with me!) the time is coming when changes are being made.
Big changes. Life changing changes.
*I* am making those changes. I am taking control of those changes and what is happening to make it happen.
I took a moment to stop and smell the roses.
An enforced time out which gave me time to do nothing but think.
And that short time, of nothing more than a few hours gave a moment of clarity that hasn't been able to be there for so many months.
It was a wake up call for me that made me realise that I have to make some changes, not least to sort out the stress levels, but to fill that void, to make changes to life in a positive way.
It is no good just to "live". I need to be "alive", I need to feel alive. I need to LIVE.
Life is passing by in a blur.
I want to see life passing and enjoy it passing. I don't want to get to a point and wake up and see that I've missed the whole journey. I don't want to get to a point and realised that I should have been sharing that journey.
It's time to make changes.
"In everyone's life, at some time our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit."
Albert Schweister
This quote, these words will not mean a great deal to many people. But I came across these words in the depths of last night when a really bad night of insomnia prevented me from sleeping. When so many thoughts, questions without answers passed through my mind.
They speak to me.
They are close to words I've recently spoken. Of bonfires, and flames and bellows. I'm sat here right now, watching the day begin to dawn, the light starting to creep into the sky, the birds outside beginning to wake with their morning song and I realise that my fire had gone out.
That my fire had been rekindled. And while someone has come along and thrown water over it, for whatever reason that may be, that it is still there, still burning in the embers and not totally extinguished.
This week sees it being 5 years since I lost my Mum. Her passing has left a void that is felt every day. We lost another family member this week. A dear friend has been told that the tumour on her liver has been joined by several others, that her body is being attacked by cancer, just as it attacked and finally took my Mum from me. Sometimes, words are just so hard to find. Words are sometimes impossible to find.
And I feel guilty that my focus for a little while was taken by the flame, by the warmth, by the way the flames could dance as the inner spirit is woken from it's dormant state. But I liked how it felt. Liked how it made me feel. It made me see that it was, that it is possible, however short lived for the spirit to be really felt. For the things, the feelings, the wants and needs and desires to be felt.
There is a real deep sense of loss for many things right now. These past few days have added to that too. And those feelings, are probably just enough to put the fire out.
Just not yet.
Just not right now. Maybe tomorrow.
I have suffered from insomnia since my mid teens.
25 years later, I still do.
You would think that I would be used to it by now. Except some nights, like tonight, it is just extremely frustrating not being able to sleep. I was just drifting off when there was a huge noise and banging outside in the garden, it startled me as I had the windows open and am also in a bungalow, so it always makes me on edge.
The noise startled me, it woke the dogs who in turn started barking, only for me to discover that a neighbours cat was attacking one of my kittens. So, I put a t-shirt on and venture bare footed out into the garden to come to his rescue.
He likes to be out and about, and in this warm weather we hardly see him. He likes to curl up outside on the decking or in a hedge and he falls into the deepest of sleeps. Except tonight, he decided that he was going to disturb us all, and now I am awake and can't get to sleep.
It's hot.
There's no air. And even the fans don't help. Times such as this that I wish we had air conditioning ~ one thing I always like when we go away on holiday, is the ability to really cool off the room. It really is quite suffocating and if it wasn't for the nasty things flying around in the air, I would head out into the garden to sleep!
And now it is approaching 4am.
The alarm will go off in 2 hours and another busy day in the office lies ahead, as well as the fact that it is grooming day for the dogs, so I have to travel across town first thing and again at lunchtime so they can have their bi monthly groom. Ah, what I wouldn't give for a few hours of pampering and attention like that! lol
Work is chaotically busy right now, and the news this week of a VAT inspection next week, really hasn't helped matters. It seems to be that everything has to happen at the worst time. It is only a few weeks until I am due to have surgery ~ another thing which as time goes by, messes with the ability to sleep.
My deep fear of anaesthetic plays heavily on my mind and as the date draws nearer it is even harder. I have even had to scour the country to find a surgeon who has a zero mortality rate, and while I could have the surgery done on the NHS, it really isn't an option if I cannot have that. So, I have found someone who has that rate, but certainly has a price tag to go with it. Another hassle, another thing to sit in the mind, another thing to go whirling around in the head when reality is, it's time to sleep.
A nice long head massage, a foot rub, someone playing with my hair . . .gently scratching my back . . .all of the things which can deeply relax me, moments of closeness and intimacy, and it is these things I miss. That ability for something and indeed someone to help take away the pressures of the day, to help take away the pressures of life. Simple things it may seem, yet things which have a real meaning, but play a real important part in things too.
They are things that I miss. Simple things. No grand gestures, but somethings which can actually express a great deal more.
And when the insomnia kicks in to the level it is tonight, what I wouldn't give for just one of those things, to help empty the mind, relax the body, and bring on the sleep!
I would say, goodnight, but as the sun is already getting up to start another day, and I haven't even made it to bed yet, perhaps I should just say good morning and wish you all a good day!
But thank god its friday!
