18 April 2014
"In everyone's life, at some time our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit."
This quote, these words will not mean a great deal to many people. But I came across these words in the depths of last night when a really bad night of insomnia prevented me from sleeping. When so many thoughts, questions without answers passed through my mind.
They speak to me.
They are close to words I've recently spoken. Of bonfires, and flames and bellows. I'm sat here right now, watching the day begin to dawn, the light starting to creep into the sky, the birds outside beginning to wake with their morning song and I realise that my fire had gone out.
That my fire had been rekindled. And while someone has come along and thrown water over it, for whatever reason that may be, that it is still there, still burning in the embers and not totally extinguished.
This week sees it being 5 years since I lost my Mum. Her passing has left a void that is felt every day. We lost another family member this week. A dear friend has been told that the tumour on her liver has been joined by several others, that her body is being attacked by cancer, just as it attacked and finally took my Mum from me. Sometimes, words are just so hard to find. Words are sometimes impossible to find.
And I feel guilty that my focus for a little while was taken by the flame, by the warmth, by the way the flames could dance as the inner spirit is woken from it's dormant state. But I liked how it felt. Liked how it made me feel. It made me see that it was, that it is possible, however short lived for the spirit to be really felt. For the things, the feelings, the wants and needs and desires to be felt.
There is a real deep sense of loss for many things right now. These past few days have added to that too. And those feelings, are probably just enough to put the fire out.
Just not yet.
Just not right now. Maybe tomorrow.