15 January 2011

Female Led Relationships ~ personal thoughts

Female Led Relationships ~

this is something I have not yet written about in depth.

It is something touched upon briefly here and there as it is something very much a part of the type of dynamic and relationship that I want, that I need, that I aim for. 

It is something that for me, goes alongside D/s, that goes alongside the kink and everything that I need from BDSM and S&M too.

If you browse through blogs or things online, you will see so many writings mostly from a male submissive's point of view, about situations of "female led relationships", also coming  in a similar form of "Wife led marriage", "Loving female authority" or other variations.  But all of them work back to the same thing . . .that it is she, the female who makes the rules, who is the head of the relationship or marriage ~ who is in control!

But so often, it seems to be that it is something that the male wants or needs or desires and that in order to have those needs met, that they have had or are trying to "lead" their wife or partner onto the path of FLR's. And it seems in so many cases that it is a battle, that it doesn't work.

For me, it isn't a battle.  For me it IS what I want. What I need.

It shouldn't be hard work, it shouldn't be a strain, although I can certainly see that it would be if it wasn't something that the female naturally wanted or felt would work with her or for her, I can see that it would be hard work and a strain if it was something the male wanted and yet his female partner didn't.  

I know that if it wasn't something I overly wanted or needed then it would be both of those. But it is what I want and need, and so much of it to me, is just a natural way of how it is.  The hard work comes in only in relation to the sub, and to making it work, to getting it how we want it to be.  It still shouldn't be a battle.

Dominating, having the control, making the rules is a part of who I am, naturally so. 

To me it feels right. 

Even in past relationships, although they haven't to great depths included D/s, (although they have included fetish, Kink and S&M) they have been very much female led.

The control, the decisions, have always been very much with me.  There have been times when my male partner has fallen naturally into that dynamic and have accepted it and our relationship truly did flourish under such a dynamic but, upon reflection, it also explains why some of the relationships from the past just didn't work, not in the way that I had hoped.  Maybe it because back then, the awareness of the whole thing that is BDSM, FLR, or D/s just wasn't something I was wholly aware of, certainly not with the understanding that I have now. And there were the times when there was a power struggle which now I know was really the downfall and the subsequent ending of the relationship.

Female Led relationships ~ it's premise is fairly obvious, whatever term one may use, it all leads back to that dynamic that the women are the head of the household. They make the rules, make the decisions for the men within that dynamic to abide by.  Some believe that it is not an overtly physical "traditional" BDSM lifestyle and that it avoids the fetish side of BDSM, that it avoids so many things that come with D/s or even S&M.

For me, and in my relationships, it actually encompasses all of those, because for me there are things from and within each that I need.

I need the kink. 

I need the things that come from D/s. 

I have sadistic needs that are only met from S&M, but, the relationship, while it brings so many aspects together is still female led.  It just involves other things which ultimately fulfil my needs, which meets those needs, which completes me.

The bottom line for me is, whether it is D/s, M/s, BDSM or FLR, I make the rules.

I have that control and I make the decisions affecting the relationship, daily decisions, financial decisions.  That I will always listen to his opinion, his thoughts, his feelings, but ultimately, the decision, whatever it is is mine.  Does it mean I am always right? No, we are all human, we all make mistakes, but, if it were the other way round and he was the one making the decisions, he wouldn't always get it right either.  Nobody is perfect!

But for me, female led relationships is a normal everyday relationship but with a heavily female dominant bias.  I read somewhere where someone said that it is "D/s in a pair of comfy slippers", that it covers the daily things that are very much a part of 24/7 relationships and dynamics. 

So many have this fantasy vision of 24/7 being a leather clad, boot wearing, whip yielding dominatrix over a down trodden, knee crawling sub who is forever on the receiving end of punishment, floggings and chains.  But that fantasy isn't something that can exist 24/7, but, it is the "comfy slippers" part, the things that come with FLRs which is so very much the "ordinary" part of those who live this way.

There are large numbers of male submissives out there, but the amount of those who are interested in, or even capable of being a sub 24/7 is I would say very small.  And that is fine, we each know what we want, what we need.  But I know that I am only interested in a BDSM relationship in which the dynamic is in place all of the time.  I am naturally dominant in what I do, how I live my life, how I work, it isn't something that I can turn on and off, I am not happy with turning off the dominance or the control.  I am not prepared to meet or serve the needs of a "bedroom submissive", someone whose submissive needs are solely met in the bedroom.  This wouldn't even come close to fulfilling my real needs and in that situation my legitimate needs, my very real needs would go unmet.

Someone once asked me, what would a sub within my "female led relationship" be there for? What would be his role?

Well, he is there to serve me, to make my life happier, but more so to make my life easier.  By doing that, by doing even the most mundane of tasks that he makes my life easier, he gets his needs met in serving, he makes me happy. But because my life is easier, because I then have more time to do other things, ultimately, we get to share more time together, so its a win-win situation, everyone's needs are met and fulfilled. 

He would also be there to fulfill and meet my needs in anyway, as best as he can.  I have control over him in everyway, sexually, his body, what he does, and even in the long term financially.  But I also have a need for kink, I have a sadistic need which needs meeting, which is why my own dynamics are not just a female led  relationship but bring in other aspects from the whole areas of BDSM.  I need to have sadistic needs met and sated by being able to inflict that on my sub. That even if he doesn't like it, he will accept it and take it.

But, I also have needs for everything that comes as part of what people would consider a "normal" or even "vanilla" relationship, things such as support, romance, love, intimacy. Having someone who is a friend, a lover, a companion.  Someone who is there through the daily grind, but who always knows his place.  I need romance, I need passion, I need support and understanding, I need someone who is a friend, someone I can talk to about anything, someone who will listen and talk to me too.  I want someone who I can share the ups and downs with, but I need someone who is able to allow me to be ME.  I need and want love, intimacy, closeness.  Everything that comes from being with someone.

But if I am going to have all of that, I want it to come from someone who wants to be all of that, who is as naturally submissive as I am dominant.

That if I am going to love someone that I want them to place me on a pedestal and love me in a way that no-one else would. 

It isn't because I think I am better than anyone else, it isn't because I believe that I am superior to any other woman or man for that matter, but simply because I am the person, the woman, the dominant, the dominant that he loves. As I saw written on a blog earlier today "Worship me as the Goddess that I am". 

Now, I do not consider myself a "Goddess", it isn't a term that "fits" the dynamic, the relationship or even my train of thought, I consider myself just to be me, but the phrase sums it up quite well.  Perhaps it would be better if it said "worship me for the woman that I am".

That is what I want.

The thing about female led relationships for me is that I have all of my needs met, physical, emotional, intellectual, sadistic by someone who has their needs met from being within that same relationship but from the other side of the coin.

It doesn't need to be complicated, it doesn't involve whips and chains and leather 24/7, it is about trust, it is about the fact that I really do make the decisions. That if I want to (or not if I do not want to) do make the rules.

This is the reality of what it is for me, the reality of what I want and need. 

For me, dominating is natural even though for many women it may not be.  It is part of who I am, maybe even part of what I am programmed to do.  I don't have to be pushed by a male sub to dominate him, I don't have to be coerced by a male partner to "take the lead" or "make the rules". I don't need to, or want to boss him around 24/7, he is still a person, still capable of thinking, still capable of making decisions should he have to or want to, I don't want a man who isn't capable, I want someone who is more than capable, but who gives that capability over to me, who gives up the control of himself over to me, who allows me to make the decisions, because he is subject to my rules, my decisions, my authority at all times.

A lifestyle based on love, based on being in control, based on my partner having a need to submit and a need for such feminine control and discipline to be happy in life. 

The sub needs it to thrive, I need it to thrive. 

Natural domination matching with natural submission, a balanced relationship, just led by the female.

Just led by me.


  1. Oh! Are those sounds I am hearing coming from paradise?

    It looks so beautiful that it is hard to believe that it could become true...

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  3. I would not consider my self submissive as we get along so well and make decisions together--She is more moral and religious and because of these beliefs she paddles my bare butt when I drink too much I guess I agree cause she is a great wife---and I should not drink to much I have argued when it has to happen It hurts but it is deserved---You may think me in denial but I do not consider myself submissive--I sure could say no