12 November 2011

Chastity - what's in it for the lady?

There's a couple of rather interesting threads on IC right now.  I don't often say that as I find so many of the threads and posts really dull and that people find it more appropriate to pick up and on people for their lack of grammar or spelling than the subject being discussed.  And there often tends to be the same old threads that get brought to the surface time after time, with dictionary definitions being thrown into the mix along with those who think their way, is the only way. . . .

Anyway, recently a male submissive posted asking the question, Male Chastity ~ what is in it for the lady?

He is at the beginning of exploring a journey having taken the step of telling his wife about his submissive tendencies and his interest in chastity.  Not an easy thing we know and not something that always brings positive results, but interesting just the same.

He wanted to find an understanding of what the female dominant would get from keeping a male in chastity.  I had a similar conversation with someone a long time ago, about the things that appeal to me about chastity and denial.  And the things that I get from it.

Of course I have written in my blog HERE and HERE about my own thoughts about chastity and denial and what it does for me, the reasons why I like it and also what was explored with the boy.  

But some other comments which I also agree with that have been shared in this thread have certainly given food for thought, and made me realise that there's probably a whole host of undiscovered benefits and things that can come from it.

Such as . . .

"When my partner is in chastity I not only find him paying more attention to me, but I pay more attention to MYSELF.

It's almost like early days of courting. I make sure I'm dressing up and flirting with him to make his predicament all the more punishing." Mistress Watchful

I hadn't given that a lot of thought to be honest.

But I guess that yes, it could very much be the case.  That you become very much aware of his predicament, you become very aware of the difficulties or struggles he is having in his denial, and in turn you become more aware of the additional attention that he pays, but also the attention that you in turn pay to yourself.  Certainly something that has given a little food for thought . . 

But I really enjoy reading about the things that certain actions or certain things bring to others, the things it brings to their relationship.  I think we can learn an awful lot, it gives a never ending supply of ideas and inspiration.  And yes, I do find learning of others, their relationships and dynamics inspiring to the things that I like or want to explore if it is something new to me. It is all a never ending learning curve I think, we never stop learning.

One of the things that really stands out and something I wholly agree with is  "I get nothing out of locking up a man who cannot control himself honourably without a device. That is boring as the sub is not really submitting,just being forced. Forced submission is to me about as meaningless as it gets." Ms Valentine 

And this is exactly how it is for me.

I  also find that it is much more fulfilling when the chastity and denial is done without the device.  It is harder of course, but when someone is denied in this way without the use of a device it shows his honour in submitting and the he isn't just doing it because there is a device in place, forcing his submission.  Devices are a bonus. A visual (but wonderful!) bonus which I like to use and have in place.  Plus their use can come in very handy for the fulfilment of some sadistic needs and desires!  But, not having a need for the device is important to me.  Having the submission without it being forced by the device is important to me!

Someone actually mentioned using devices in relation to "trust". For me, if a device has to be used because there is no trust, or because you do not trust someone when you are apart from each other then, IMO there are serious issues beyond this.  The trust, has to be there, just as it does in any dynamic or any relationship. If I had to put someone in a device when I was apart from them, just to trust them, then that wouldn't work for me in the slightest.

Don't get me wrong, I love devices, I love how they look, how they work and they certainly fit in with my own sadistic needs in terms of chastity . . .but, I wouldn't want it to be in place because it has to be. Devices for me are an additional.  A bonus, albeit a delightful one!

Ultimately of course control is the main thing I get from it.  (It is of course the focus of things for me)

The level of control it gives me and in the ways it gives it to me. It goes above and beyond just meeting any sexual desire or need. I don't do it for him, because he wants to, or because it is what he wants. (Although I don't have a problem if it is what he wants!) I do it for the reasons that I choose or want to, for what it gives to me, the level of control that it gives me and all the things that it brings to me and also into the relationship. I like the intimacy that it can bring. But ultimately I do it because I love it! I love the control of it!

I get other things from it too ~ I like to witness psychological changes that a man goes through in his denial. The way it alters his feelings, changes his patterns of behaviour, but also his attentitiveness. I like how you can use chastity to change and control these feelings and behaviours too.

For me, it isn't about long term denial of orgasms, (although I don't think a few months is too long) but I don't have a desire to move towards celibacy as that isn't what I want. Instead I want control over his body, the release that he may be granted and when and in what way. I like to deny just because I can, to push, to stretch, to tease and deny. To keep him simmering like a saucepan on a low heat, knowing that it keeps his interest, his drive and his longing.

It also fulfils needs for me in terms of my own sadistic needs and desires, it can be incredibly sexy and is a tool that can be used in a wonderful but also powerful way. It is done on MY terms, when I want, how I want and in what ways I want. Ultimately, it is very much about having control although, I get a great deal out of it, and more than I thought possible when I first explored it.

I know that many people do not often see what the other can get from something,  I get a whole lot from chastity, from denial, from having that control.  Mephista commented into the thread with this . . .

"It's not something I've ever really explored. To be honest I get so many memos from men wanting me to keep them in chastity that I find myself thinking "even when it's not about your cock, it's all about your cock".

What worries me about long term chastity is that I do occasionally like to have sex with my subs, and the last thing I want is a boy with a hair trigger response."

And I think so often we can be led to believe that implementing something into a dynamic would or could potentially lead to missing out on something that we enjoy, but it doesn't have to be the case.  The thing with chastity and denial is that it is something that the dominant really does have control over, to how it works, to how it fits, to when it takes place.  If she wants to have sex she can do, when she wants, chastity doesn't have to be about long term denial (and as I've mentioned before, that verges for me, to much on the edge of celibacy which is most definitely not what I want!)

But I think, Ms Valentine expressed it very well and as I totally agree with these thoughts I wanted to quote them here . .

"It is the absolute flexibility of sexual control which make sit so suitable to many D/s situations. One can use devices or not. One can require honour chastity. Chastity can be alternated with 'forced' orgasms, ruined orgasms, teasing and denial or any combination of them. I am sure there are things I haven't thought of which can be added to that basic set. One can have PIV sex because even if you like devices, all you have to do is take it off when you want sex.

In fact, chastity and sexual control can be used by any red blooded 'cock loving' dominant women who want to have a fully sexual relationship with a submissive male. Playing with chastity does not stop anything unless the woman herself wants it to be stopped. It is her choice. If she likes vaginal sex, she can have it and many of us certainly do want that. 

It is not unnatural to want a good fuck, no matter what the weird femdom orthodoxy would have us believe about how dominant women should interact with their sub. You know the sex but oral, cuckold him with a 'real' man and never have his cock inside you and always strap a bit of plastic to your hips and fuck him saying you are taking your pleasure with him"

And this is something I wholly agree with.

Chastity has a great deal of flexibility to work within any dynamic, to any degree, whether it be dipping the toes in or something a lot more involved and extended.  I for one, love that flexibility that it gives for the control, but also the ways in which control can be given and indeed taken.  

There is so much about it that just works.

Just fits.

Aside from the sexual desires, the impact it can have on behaviour and attention, the changes that it can have upon the chastised and for the Dominant too.  There are many things that could be added, I am sure that many women would be able to add to the list of what it does for them or what is in it for them.

But there is endless things in it for the lady.

It is why I enjoy it and think it can play such a part within an FLR, or at least one for me!

Even though going back over time it was initially something that didn't overly appeal.  We discover, we learn and often just find something that works and is right for us.  We find out why it does and then we wonder why we didn't explore sooner LOL

I know what is in it for me.  I know that there's a whole lot in it for me . . .

And I love it! :)


  1. a good subject with many a viewpoint, for me a cb3000 is a form of instant arousal just by having it fitted followed by servicing my mistress using my hands, tongue and toys etc, heightening a inner pleasure in my body without actually climaxing through my cock, also the gratification i felt from pleasing her without my own release was simply a amazing experience! Being held in chastity for löng periods of time without a device and in her absence was difficult but my devotion and willingness to please her was paramount. I did fail on occasions to her amusement which did leave me feeling a failure, for example, as a former hgv driver she would regularly call me and order me to pull over when safe to do so, she expected me to be aroused at the sound of her voice which of course i would be, she would order me to wank and take me to the point of no return and have me stop, after numerous calls and extreme arousal i would take away my hand and as much as i resisted i would cum, resulting in her laughing and verbal humiliation! Denial is used in many forms for different reasons, worse still in my opinion was my punishment, forced wanking to completion on the hour, euery hour! Now that vs denial is another subject :-) TA xx

  2. Mis Kat, I have to tell you how happy I am having come across your blog. In my blog, I made a comment about 3 Mistress Bloggers that I thought were fantastic in their writing. The reason I felt that way about them is because they are REAL. Not the overused, bullshit concept of real, but actually REAL!. I will need to now go back and add your name to the list because of my discovery of your blog.

    While reading this post, i told my Mistress that I was going to be sending her a link to this post (she is being used as somewhat of a mentor for friend of hers that is exploring a FLR in her marriage) because the context of the content was spot on for real life situations, for those of us not wishing to conform to some form of porn industry induced perception of "how to do things". I also suggested that she look around at your other postings like i am about to do.

    Thank you from a new, loyal fan.