I've never been much of a "scene" person.
Munches hold little interest for me or to me.
Clubs - I haven't really found them to be my "thing" either, I've been to a couple in the dim and distant past, but certainly as a "bystander" rather than a participant.
And I know that is just how it was then . . .but who is to say it is that way now?
I wanted to go to a rope workshop this week, but with everything else that happened last week I couldn't quite bring myself to go, even though I've always had a lurking interest in learning how to fling string. I feel disappointed that I didn't just put myself there regardless of how I was feeling about going.
I would say that I'm more introvert than extrovert, I'm comfortable in that way and that works for me, I don't particularly care what people think of that, it's just how it is. But life can pass by. And I think that is how I am feeling right now.
Some recent events have made me really question myself, where I am, but more so what it is that I ultimately want and need from life.
This past week or so has really made me start evaluating, reflecting, and while it's also closed the heart off considerably, while it's put a wariness of trusting back in the forefront, it's also made me take a step back, reflect and see what I'm missing out on but also what I can do to change that. Ultimately though, that can only come from one person - me!
A short space of time has passed but various events within it has made me feel so much anger towards myself and the trust I'd put out there, it's made me feel all sorts of things that I really wish I didn't feel. Other events have made me realise that life can be incredibly short, and that the loss of my friend as I wrote *here* has made me determined to make some more positive changes, to take some positive steps and that is what I am intending to do.
I'm going to step out of my comfort zone that is often far too comfortable for our own good, I'm going to step out of that zone and experience things that I may not have done before. New things, different things, and yes I know that some things may make me feel uncomfortable, but as they say great things never come from comfort zones.
it's time to step out there, and it's time for some great things! I'm going to venture to some clubs, I'm going to venture to some workshops. I've got some great friends who share this lifestyle, it's time to reconnect until I hopefully am able to truly connect in the way that I want to - with one.
There are moments, moments like this, like today, where there's a black cloud filling the day. The sky outside may be clear and blue, the sun maybe shining, but here inside my head, over me, surrounding me is a big black cloud of fucking horrible funk.
And I hate it.
And I can't shake it.
I know it's a whole host of reasons, the arrival of Mothers Day which brings a whole host of feelings to me. Throw in two nights of terrible insomnia, and the wonderful feelings of spending a matter of hours with someone followed by the drop and reality that it won't be for a while.
And it all brings about a cacophony of emotions and feelings that feel like a stormy sea bashing at the sea defences. My defences. I feel storm battered.
And I hate it.
And I want to turn the clock back to how I felt in the early hours of Thursday morning, the moment where I had an arm draped across my chest, a head sleeping on my shoulder, the weight of which weighed heavily but just brought about a sense of closeness in the darkness of the night that even when sleep eluded me I was filled with such a sweet and wonderful feeling. And that seems so far away from where I am right now.
And I hate it.
I didn't sleep well last night.
Neither did I the night before. Instead the past two nights have been filled with a whole host of difficult feelings, painful reflections, I've had memories flood back in of the moment that people have literally drifted out of life, my witnessing their taking their last breath. Haunted by the recollection of the time I almost drowned, I led there feeling just as I did at that moment, the way it felt as the water slowly filled my lungs as I saw life, my own life slowly ebb away. I've had recollections of times in my life where it's been filled with such a sense of deep loss.
I feel haunted by the sense of loss, emptiness and sadness. I feel like I'm drowning under a big black cloud.
And I hate it.
And I'm trying to find the rays of light coming through the cloud and yet I am filled with a sense of foreboding, a sense of fear, as if something is going to go tearing through life and rip something else away from my heart.
Right now, my heart feels vulnerable. *I* feel vulnerable and quite alone. (A very rare thing for me to feel!)
And I hate it.
Not the feeling of my own vulnerability, so much as that of my heart. There is a beauty and a strength and a power in being vulnerable, of opening yourself up to someone and being vulnerable with them, to them, to the feelings you have. But this heaviness, this darkness, this sense of emptiness that is enshrouding right now is quite overwhelming.
And I hate it.
And my goodness, I'd give anything right now to transport me back to those early hours of Thursday morning, for that sense of warmth and closeness and just "being" in that moment. The closeness of skin, the closeness of feeling and watching him sleep, watching him breath, but just feeling. That moment.
But, the reality? Is that I'm as far away from that moment as I possibly could be.
Instead, I'm drifting into the darkness of a storm, the depths of funk that have come out of nowhere. I feel as if I'm in a "drop", I feel disconnected in a way I don't want to be disconnected and yet, I can't disconnect from these horrible feelings.
And I fucking hate it!
*sigh*
One of those times that words are not needed. For the picture says it all.
The fear, the unknown, the mindfuck. The trust.
*Fuckshivers*
*THIS* gets my beast growling!
