I wrote this once...

 "Of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these, It might have been."John Greenleaf Whittier.

I think and reflect. Of what might have been.Of what could have been.  But of what will never be. 

And I guess, those thoughts are ones of melancholic sadness.  It is always hard to think of the loss of the potential. 

Especially when we know exactly what that potential was or could have been.

It could have been. It might have been. It never will be.

And I write it again now, for the very same reason, almost 10 years on.

Different time. 

Different person

But the very same loss, similar feelings. The same realisation.

Life moves in strange ways. Not always good ones. All I can take from this is knowing that I’ve listened to the part of me that has said “this is not ok”

I will take that. There’s nothing else to take right now.

Time will tell

There's a song, that for some reason I have heard lots recently. 

It reminds me of you. 

It plays over in my mind, or should I say, that one particular verse plays over in my mind, just as the visions and thoughts about you do too.

Thoughts of you creep into my thoughts, often at the most inopportune moments.  

At times that my focus should really be elsewhere.

But then, those thoughts of you bring a smile.

I wonder if the thoughts will ever play out in the reality.  I wonder if they will ever see the light of day outside the depths of my mind.

I guess time will tell.

And while the song and some of the words are beautiful, I hope that the story that sits behind the lyrics is not of how the reality will be. 

I guess time will tell.

I spoke of you yesterday....

I spoke of you yesterday.

For the first time in so many years. 

The sense of loss of the friendship we once had came over me in waves as I later recalled and reflected just how life changed from that day I had to had to leave and walk away. 

That day I had to let go <here>

I can still recall that final touch, the way your skin felt under my fingers as I touched your cheek.

I can still feel that sense of pain as my heart felt like a mirror shattering as it hit the floor in a load of tiny pieces.  

I can still feel the sting of the tear that went down my cheek at that farewell, the one that mirrored your own.

I can still recall the saddest sentence "what might have been", except, I know even now that it would never have been, it could never have been.

I found myself wondering about where life has taken you since then.  

I've seen you twice, once from a distance. And once a moment shared that should never have been.  It's still years since I have seen you. 

I've often thought about where you are, of where you've been.

The passing of time, the passing of the years still do not take away from the loss of the friend I once had, the friendship that we shared.

We shared a lot. 

I carry no regrets only special moments that I will never forget. Except, I do regret the friendship that we lost.

I hope life has been kind.  I hope that you have been happy.

My friend, I wish that for you always.

Stepping out

So dinner was lovely. 

An unassuming evening, no expectations (therefore no disappointments), a chance to relax over some great food, a chance to chat freely and openly.

There is something about being able to be open about who you are, the needs that you have, the lifestyle that you follow, without judgement, without fearing that someone may not understand, with someone who actually gets "it". 

And even though that person may be submissive to your dominant, there is still a level of understanding of the whole dynamic and you don't feel weird that you have a particular kink or fetish because you know that even if it's not the others kink, there is more often a non judgemental acceptance.  Not that I feel weird about my own kinks, fetishes or needs.  I've accepted them and who I am a long time ago, but still I know that not everyone is at that same place.

Even without the expectations, even without any "role" in place, even without a dynamic, there was still very much a natural way of being.  And natural because neither of us had be anything other than who we are, and that is another great thing, the chance to be who you are. 

He was nervous, a little shy, he blushed (lots - perfect!) and there is something about that open display of vulnerability in some ways which is decidedly sweet, the way his cheeks would flush and he'd lower his eyes, the way he would smile when I would say to him that there was no need for him to be embarrassed for what he shared, felt or spoke of.  

For me, I so enjoy the battle that this reflects, the slight embarrassment, the emotional feelings that are created inside one when they are blushing, an opening of thoughts and feelings and yet, the emotional battle of that too.  As an emotional sadist, I like the fact that there's a little bit of an uncomfortable feeling, that there's a battle going on. 

He arrived with a most beautiful bunch of flowers, having already known what was in there included not only some of my favourite flowers, but done in a bouquet of my favourite colours.  His effort and careful thought certainly didn't go unnoticed and when I commented on it and thanked him, he blushed a little bit but his face lit up as a beaming smile crept across his face.  It is such simple things such as this, which are in their own way quite special. That someone shows that interest, retains little snippets of information and genuinely does things to place a smile on another's face is heart-warming.

It wasn't that he had bought me flowers that was totally responsible for the smile on my face (although it did make me smile as it's been such a long time since anyone has bought me flowers apart from the mini man on birthdays and Mothers Day), but it was the careful thought that he had given, that he'd obviously retained things that we had spoken of and shared.  He had even made sure that a certain type of flower was not in the bouquet as I had once shared the thought that they reminded me too much of funerals.  Simple things, but quite lovely.

He was very interesting (and interested), he was attentive and very sweet, open and a wonderful ability not just to listen but to truly 'hear' what was being said. It's hard to believe that we have known each other for quite some time but have only just taken this step to meet face to face and even though it was in a week of some serious work deadlines for me, dinner was lovely, the company was great, the conversation flowed easily. 

It was great to connect, but more so, to be able to connect without expectation, without any pre-conceived ideas, and just the chance to be who I am, with people who can be who they are, a mutual respect and understanding, that is often quite a rare thing to find. 

Purge yourself

"Sometimes you've got to let everything go - purge yourself.  If you are unhappy with anything . . .whatever is bringing you down, get rid of it.  Because you'll find that when you're free your true creativity, your true self comes out."

Tina Turner

There are things, which are at times, easier said than done, and purging is one of those things.

We may see something isn't right, we may feel that something is toxic, we can even see the damage that things or people may be causing to ourselves, to our lives, to our own sense of wellbeing, but even seeing all of that, purging isn't all that easy.

Does purging really bring that sense of freedom?

Perhaps, when you've allowed yourself to be free from all the toxicity, when you've allowed yourself to recover from the negative and allow the positivity to flow back into life. 

When you really have let go.

There are things I'm letting go of, things that need to be placed into a box because there's no need for them to see light of day anymore, there's no need for me to carry them any longer.

It's time to let go.  It's time to purge.  I have a clarity of my own thoughts that I've not had for a while.

I'm letting go. Happily. 


It's time to let go, it's time to be free, it's time for oh, so much more.

Wasting words

Sometimes I think we waste our words. 

And sometimes I think we waste our moments and sometimes we don't take the time, the chance or the opportunity to say the things that are in our hearts when we have the chance.

I took some opportunities in the past few days to try to not waste moments or opportunities. 

After lots of deliberation, after lots of "should I?" or "shouldn't I?"

I did.  

I have.

The words may be wasted, it may be that they don't mean anything at all to who they've been shared with, they may be wasted in that they may be ignored, but the opportunity wasn't wasted. I didn't waste the moment.

While I can hope that the words aren't wasted, it will be as it will be.

It is as it is.

It is only something time will tell and it's now out of my hands.

I'm determined not to waste words, not to waste moments, but more so I'm determined to give the time, my time to things, to situations, but more so (and especially so) to people that matter to me, and to say the words that are in my heart.

Destiny.

We heard the news yesterday, that the coroner has released the body following the death of my friend.  A moment of sadness, but also a moment which means that family and friends can now make plans to say a final farewell.  A farewell to someone who was special to a lot of people.

They were a friend, who had touched life in many different ways.

Every person you encounter in your life, whether it is significant or not, leaves an imprint on your soul… from the tiniest speck to a small mark to a huge spot. Sometimes they are like wounds that need time to heal, and sometimes they are like kisses that you wish you had more of. Everyone is important…they help to shape us to be the people that we need to be to be able find our true happiness.

They couldn't find their happiness in life and that makes my heart ache so very much for them.  They used to say be who you are, believe in yourself, be the person that you want to be and you will find happiness and ultimately the person you are meant to share it with.  My heart aches that they never found that happiness.

They once said to me, enjoy the journey in getting to that place, enjoy the people you encounter along the way.  Each person comes into life for a reason even if we may not see it at the time, they may be there for only a short period of time, but there's still a reason, it just may take us time to figure out what that reason is.  And sometimes, that reason may not bring happy times, it may bring sadness and heartache and pain and that makes it doubly hard to ever understand why that person has come into our lives. 

We shared this conversation again on the night before they took their life, and their words echo in my mind.

And this parting comment . . .

There will be a time that journey will reach it's destination, a moment when you are truly happy, when you are loving but more so truly loved back, then you will know that you have arrived at your destiny, that the people you've met along the way were only part of that journey, and when you find that happiness, that love, know that it's your destiny and you've arrived at your destination.  If you're not truly loved back, if you're not truly happy, then it's not the destination and the journey is not over.

My friend was part of my journey, a journey where I've not reached my destination . . . their words will remain with me always, I wish that they were still taking their own journey, but hope with all my heart, that in their destination they are at peace.

The bitch that is hindsight

"Forgive yourself for not having the foresight to know what now seems so obvious in hindsight" Judy Belmont

Hindsight can be such a bitch right!?

Wouldn't it be great if we had what hindsight gives us so much earlier?

What is it that stops us from seeing things at the time? 

Are we really so blind to things?  Are they really that obvious or is it more so, that some people can hide things pretty damn well?

Maybe it's a combination of all of these things, it's not hindsight bias but it's still a bitch!

Sometimes people say we can only do the best with what we know at the time, but what if we did actually know at the time, but just wasn't open to really seeing it? 

Who knows!? 

Whatever hindsight is a bitch!

Need

“I close my eyes, inhale, and feel a rush of heat and energy that takes my breath away.

It is the feeling of wanting something so much that it borders on an actual need, and the power and urgency of this need overwhelms me.”

Emily Griffin, Love the One You’re With

*This* is one of those times when no other words are needed.  These words, this picture says it all.

The want. The desire. The need....

*sigh*

Moments

Never allow anyone to rain on your parade and thus cast a pall of gloom and defeat on the entire day.  Remember that no talent, no self-denial, no brains, no character, are required to set up in the fault-finding business.  Nothing external can have any power over you unless you permit it.  Your time is too precious to be sacrificed in wasted days combating the menial forces of hate, jealously, and envy.  Guard your fragile life carefully.  Only God can shape a flower, but any foolish child can pull it to pieces. Og Mandino

Take out the comment about God shaping a flower (certainly doesn't match my beliefs) and these words are very true today.

Not only does it seem that people are trying to rain on my parade, they're trying to be a full on monsoon!

It feels as if someone is pulling the flower apart, petal by petal, pulling it away and throwing it into the wind.

I'm tired. 

It's been an emotionally draining and difficult weekend.

I feel totally depleted.

The darkness of early Saturday morning only managed to drift away slightly and that feeling of emptiness has certainly made it's presence felt.

Insomnia is kicking my ass right now. My brain filled with it's cacophony of thoughts is sapping away any last bit of energy that I'm desperately trying to hold onto.

I need to re-group, I need to have some serious down time, but some down time filled with closeness and warmth.

I just have a longing to be close right now and yet it feels as if there is an insurmountable distance. 

I am longing to have. . . no, I want to have . . .no, I NEED to have moments of sharing closeness . . . intimate moments of warmth and tenderness. 

Moments of holding, of gentle kissing, of just "being", lots of moments with him. . . damn I long, want and need that so much right now! 

This weekend cannot come quick enough! 

Needed

Open space. 

I'm lucky to live a short drive away from endless fields.  I've just spent almost 2 hours out with the dogs, walking through fields, the warmth of the late spring sunshine beating down on my face, an occasional gentle breeze . . .

. . .  .and silence.

An occasional cockerel crowing in the nearby farm making his voice heard, the sound of the branches moving in the breeze, an occasional plane flying overhead, but apart from that . . .

 . . .silence.

There is something about moments like this which can ground you.  Which can help to ease the darkness of thoughts.  The warmth of the sun making you feel a little better.  And so I walked. 

And walked.

Nothing but open space, the dogs running around through the fields and fresh air.

Lost in thought, lost in reflection, but with a better perspective than had been present during last night and this morning.  Lots of time thinking about the time I was able to share this week, of being close, of everything that is happening . . .of the journey ahead.  Lost in thought in terms of feelings, searching for an understanding almost a clarity of what they are. 

But there is something about moments like this which can just be peaceful.  Which can just bring a sense of calm. 

Which are needed.

To write . . .

I don't want you to share a part of your soul with the world. 

I simply want you to share a part of your soul, bit by bit, little by little. . . with me!

With words, whether written or spoken. 

I don't want them to be pretty words whether scribed or verbalised, I want them to be words that share you, share your thoughts, and emotions, that share your hopes, your sadness, your pain and your fears. 

In the words of Maya Angelou, "...the idea is to write it so that people hear it and it slides through the brain and goes straight to the heart" . . . *that* is where I want your words to go, the things that you share, the words that you may speak or write.

I simply want you to share you, a part of your soul.

All of your soul.  All of you.

With me.

But more so, for you to know that your words, whatever and however you may share, will always be safe, treasured and cherished.

Regaining my control...

There is something about the early hours of the morning, or is it the late hours of the night that brings about a time of thought, of reflection that other times of day do not seem to. 

As an insomniac, I see this time of night on a far too regular basis, and when the night is dark, when there is no sound, it can seem, for some an almost lonely time.  And yet, I am so used to this time, this space, these moments of stillness it often brings a sense of calm.  For me it is a time when the mind often floods with thoughts, with memories, as it recalls, as it reflects, as it tries to find an understanding of things that may be happening.

I've paced the house on a couple of occasions this week, watched the dark of the night gently fade into the light of a new day, a night which has passed without sleep, but certainly not without thought. 

I sometimes wish there was an off switch to the mind, to my mind.  I often wish that there was something, anything which would just switch off the noise in my own head, stop the agitated thoughts that flood the mind, helping to ease some of tumultuous introspection. 

And yet, it is often at this time of night when I can and do find a level of understanding of myself, my thoughts, the feelings I may have, but this has alluded me this week also.  As I take the time in the dark and quiet, to simply be. To simply feel.  To simply sit in the feelings and thoughts that I have to seek a level of understanding and clarity.  And it is often, at this time, that I reach here . . .my blog . . .my place where I can literally work through and find an understanding of where I am. 

(So . . .here I am . . . )

A lot of the noise this week has been work related, one of the downsides of being self employed when things aren't going as well as they should or were, when things are up in the air it can bring along a level of stress as you simply have to try and work things out, begin to make plans, try to step back from the situation that has brought this stress to the surface. 

It was hard stepping back for me this past week, situations left a level of anger that I've not felt for a long time, and still some of it lurks now (although the situation is almost resolved). 

But more so I don't like how this has had an effect on other things this week too.

And then of course, my mind is flooded with thoughts of something, of someone who has come into life like a damn whirlwind

:-D  (a rather wonderful one mind!) making the solid foundation gently rock and sway. 

It has been a long time since someone has filled my thoughts in this way, it's been a long time since I have physically found myself missing someone, of finding myself wanting to be with them, to spend time with them, to just be close.  It's been a long time since I've found myself drawn to someone, of wanting to learn about them, to get to know them to their very depths.  It's been a long time since there has been any other focus apart from my son and my work! So, it's all very different.  But all very good!

And I am here, trying to find an understanding of what is so very different, of what it is that my head? My Heart? Both? is not yet able to get an understanding of.  

The understanding alludes me right now. 

So I am here, delving and exploring, the thoughts in my mind, of where I am, after all I can always rely on a good writing session to help me find a clarity.

I love how things are so very different. 

I do not feel as if I've taken these steps before.  I do not feel as if I've walked down this path before and that for me is a wonderful thing. 

Truly.

But then, when things are so very different, it takes getting used to, you (*I*) have to find a steady footing, and then it's all happening at lightning speed and that's different too and that on it's own makes some things a little harder to comprehend...

And yet....

And yet, things do not seem too quick (in fact, my desires, my hopes, my thoughts are even further ahead than we actually are)!

But, simply put, I can't quite put my finger on the word that I need, of the word that would describe how it is, how I'm feeling.  I have so many thoughts and words flying around in my head, it as if they are all shouting at me, screaming at me to take notice and I can't quite hear.  Some of the words seem so negative though and there's not a negative thing about this in the slightest. (apart from the fact that it is the depths of the night and I am sat here alone  - wishing I wasn't - trying to find a clarity, trying to find words)

Unsettled? 

No.  As that would suggest an unease or that there was a worry sitting behind these feelings, of what is happening.  And I don't feel worry or unease.

It would suggest lacking stability and that isn't right either.

Agitated?  No. 

Flustered?  No. 

Perturbed, shaken, upset?  No. None of these. 

Not in the slightest.

Perhaps it is  (I am) unsettled in relation to change, change in life, change in thoughts, change in focus, change in where I am and where I want, (hope or desire to be).  Perhaps it is because life is changing, (has already changed) in a most surprising way and because I want it to change in many, many more ways.

Yes.  Perhaps that is it. 

Or perhaps it's just I wasn't expecting the unexpected and right now, I'm not in control of just how I am feeling?

Hmmmm..... (here comes the hitting the nail on the head . . .)

Yes.

Perhaps that is exactly it. 

A shift in the control I have of my own thoughts, of my own feelings, because of something so wonderfully unexpected. 

But, it isn't that I am unsettled, or that things are unsettling me, it's because I'm flooded with a whole new load of thoughts, and feelings and desires and longings and I wasn't expecting it.  I've been open to it, but it hasn't happened. 

Until now. 

And that's it. 

I'm at a point where currently I am not in control of where I am, of how I am feeling, of what I am thinking and I need to take that back, I need to find that balance, I need to be back in control of "me", in control of the thoughts, and finding the balance that feeds me and for the steps going forward.

And because I thought that the understanding of it all was alluding me, I felt unsettled and it is not that way at all.  I've actually been a little out of control of my own thoughts, my own feelings, of my own brain

Because after all, I think I've said it before . . . it's all about control.  ;-)

Writing. . . my friend.

It has been so long, since my words have flowed. 

I feel as if I have been reunited with an old friend, you know the friend that you may lose touch with, an amount of time may pass and yet, when you're reunited it is as if you've never been apart. 

It's familiar, comfortable.

It brings a sense of relief. A sense of calm, a sense of release as words flow once more. 

Writing my old friend, how I've missed you.

The feeling as words flow from heart to written word.  Words from thought to paper.  From sentences to poetry. 

Words that have stopped the mind from drowning under endless ebbs and flows and waves of thoughts.  Writing that has eased the hurts, shared the wants, the needs and desires.  Writing that has shared pain, heartache, loss and grief. 

I have missed you, writing, my old friend. 

Let us connect, let us come together once more and share the journey of words, of thoughts, of emotions, of feelings.

Welcome back writing . . .my friend.

Wanting

My eyes closed
for but a moment
a dream?

a thought...?

a wish...?

or perhaps a desire...?

to touch you

to kiss you

to see you

before me

completely

bare and bared,

Completely.

a collar adorns

the neck

I want to kiss

to bite

and all my thoughts

wishes

desires and

dreams are unbidden.

They flood my

being

desiring and
needing.
Needing and

wanting.

Wanting.

© Kat

My words

My words

have come back to life since you, 

you see what I write
and I wonder if it means something

whether you understand what,

or who sits behind the written words

that sit in front of you.
I do not yet know how my words
are read by you or

what you may think of

the words that you see,
or if
and you my critic
are whom I care about

And I like it . . .

Your face, that is.  

A lot. 

Even more since you sat across from me, when I didn't have to imagine the expressions that swept across your face.

I like your face, and yet I cannot believe you didn't know that you had a "thinking" expression.

You have.  You do. 

And I like it. 

A lot.

I like the way you face reflects that your mind is thinking, that you're drifting off into the thoughts that one day I hope you will share with me.  I like the way that your eyebrow slightly arches as if you've been taken a little by surprise by the thoughts that fill your mind in that moment.

I like your eyes, so pale and clear and yet, so expressive in their own way.  And I like the way that your eyes like to make contact, holding a gaze for an extended period of time.  I want to take in those expressions, delve in through your eyes into the thoughts that sit within your head.

I like the fact that you blush at your own thoughts, and I can tell in that moment that your thoughts have gone to a darker place, a place of depravity, a place of desire and longing.  And I watch your face flush.

And I like it.

A lot.

I like the expressions that fill your face when you are feeling embarrassed, the warmth on your face as you cheeks come awash with redness.  The look of focus when you are concentrating, when you are thinking, when there's a battle in the mind, as if there's a thought on the tip of your tongue that you want to release to the world and are not yet quite ready to share.

The moments of intense and serious thoughts, the depth of thought that is within your mind is reflected on your face.

I can't believe that you didn't know that you had a thinking face!  You do. 

And I like it.

A lot.

I like the way that you bite your lip, your teeth gently tugging at the skin of your lips, and my thoughts run to wanting to bite your lips, to devour your mouth, to kiss you, gently, softly, hard.

And I like your face and think about it in ways I've not yet witnessed.

I think about how your face will change in different moments.  Of how your face will look when you're blindfolded.  Of how your face will fill with expectation when you perhaps know a kiss is coming.  I think about how your face lights up with the biggest of smiles, but of how your face will look with tears slowly falling down your cheeks. 

I think about tracing your lips, your mouth, your chin, your neck with my nail, my tongue, exploring your mouth more with my own.

I think about your eyes widening . . .pleading . . .longing . . .tightly closed taking a pain that I may inflict.  I think about looking into those eyes when I kiss you. 

When I hurt you. 

When I tease you.

When I hold you. 

I think about how your face may look when you're sleeping. When you're happy, when you're sad.

When you're pleading.

When you're aroused.

When you've come.



*originally written 5th March 2017