Pages

20 April 2017

There you'll be . . .

8 years ago. 

8 years ago today, she took her last breath.

8 years ago, my Mum, my best friend lost her battle.

We were there by her side, our hearts shattering into a million tiny pieces, so many unfinished conversations, the regrets of words that were never shared.

And yet, in some small way, I shall be thankful that we were given the chance to say goodbye, we were given the chance to share thoughts and memories and say "I love you" from the day that we were told there was nothing more they could do, they said a couple of weeks and it wasn't even that. 

I spent every moment I could with her in the last 6 weeks of her time with us, we sat and watched the spring flowers outside grow, the lambs making their first appearance into the fields.  On the morning of the day she passed we'd watched a wild deer running through the fields, it had stopped and it appeared to be looking in at us, I still remember that moment as clear as day. 

Cancer, you bastard!

You robbed us even of the extra few days they said we'd have, right to the last, you took her away from us. 

Her last spoken words will haunt me forever as she woke on that morning and she whispered "I'm sorry, I can't do this anymore." And from there we knew, that this would be the last day that we would share with her, and my heart filled with a pain that no amount of words can or will ever describe.

While in the depths of grief after she passed, I certainly felt as if she'd taken so much with her, as the rawness eases from the loss of someone, when the edges are not so sharp and jagged, you realise that they have left you with so much.  Memories, many precious memories and the love that fills the heart.  The passing of time can never take that away just as it cannot take the void away that exists. 

Her dying took so much away. 


There are two songs which just remind me of her so much . . . this first one has such heart-breaking words and yet they are so beautiful and in fact, also make me think of others who have been close to me who I have lost, including my friend who recently died.  Because the words are so true there too.


"Every place we ever walked and
Everywhere we talked, I miss you
You never leave my mind
So much of you is left behind"




This song also reminds me of my Mum....



"I'll keep a part of you with me
And everywhere I am there you'll be......"



8 years may have passed.  Some days it seems like only yesterday, not a day goes passed when something happens I wish I could tell her about.  

I miss her.  Everyday. 



My heart is her home. She will live there forever.







19 April 2017

Tumblr


I've been absent from tumblr for a long while, however I recently returned to it, to my own little corner of the tumblr world.

There are so many pictures that just create such beautiful visions, beautiful images, ones which beyond the typical porn and stereotypical Femdom images can really show such beauty in submission and in pain.

But for me, the beauty right now is in the words, there are some fabulous tumblr accounts where the words are just stunningly beautiful, words that touch, that seep into your soul.  There are words that people just have such a gift in sharing that when you read, they seem to reflect your thoughts, or how you feel in that moment. 

I led there for hours last night, not able to sleep, reading these beautiful words, some of them haunting, taunting, but some of them reflecting lots of the things that I'm feeling right now, words that reflect some recent things that have happened in life. 

Some people are blessed with a truly wonderful gift of being able to write, to express.  I am quite simply in awe at times of people who have that ability, of being able to touch someone with words, it's such an intimate thing to be able to do, it's a beautiful thing to be able to do.

I wish I shared that ability.  Words are a beautiful thing.





18 April 2017

"...ing".....



Seed planting
Thoughts developing
Nerves building
Excitement mounting
Butterflies growing
Time passing
Eyes meeting
Knees quivering
Hands shaking
Face smiling
Cheeks blushing
Eyes lowering
Skin touching
Pores perspiring
Mouth sighing
Lips touching
Tongues meeting
Hands roving
Hearts thumping
Body longing
Hands groping
Fingers rubbing
Mouths groaning
Trousers straining
Arms gripping
Mouth exploring
Senses exploding
Cock hardening
Eyes darkening
Lust building
Bodies aching
Cunt dripping
Tongue lapping
Heart pounding
Muscles tensing
Toes curling
Limbs clamping
Palms twitching
Mouths groaning
Hips plunging
Hands gripping
Teeth biting
Mouths Screaming
Bodies convulsing
Fluids releasing
Throat sighing
Arms holding
Time passing
Bodies spooning
Calm returning












Time will tell



Words
that touch the
heart
the mind
creating visions of
future times.
And while neither
can be totally
sure there
may indeed
be a whole
lot more!

And time
will tell, and time
will show
the reality of how
these things may
go. An existence
beyond
both screen
and wire
which will feed the
heat
and hearts’
desire.
And soon, dear boy,
a moment
will be

I’m sure.

To discover
whether there’s a
whole lot more.

But ‘til and beyond
a
friendship grows
as secrets shared
as open hearts
lead to a flow
of thoughts
of words,
which engulf
and flood
feel and heal
and begins
to make this
virtual
real.

And words already
matched
with a voice,
a sigh,
a tut,
a laugh
and a “yes let’s try!”

And a moment will come
when a touch
can occur,
and be granted
with
a smile,
a raised eyebrow
a passing look,
a fleeting peck,
upon a cheek (or neck?)
a time
to come
face to face
communicating no
longer in
some virtual place.

And yes it could be
this
and that
and yes it could be
all you’ve
said,
and more.

And oh!

My goodness the
possibility
to be so much
more.


I’m sure!

But while it may be just the gist of the thing,
and tho’ both may be unsure,
time will show
and time will tell,
dear boy,
whether there can be a whole
lot more.




17 April 2017

A gift of words

"Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and its thought has found its words" Robert Frost.

I love words! 

Reading them, writing them, hearing them, sharing them.  There is a beauty in how they can create such wonderful images, that they can create a vision that brings those words to life. 

I love them to flood the senses, touch the heart and trickle to the soul

I'm a word whore.

I can't get enough of them.

But, I had a truly wonderful present recently - a rather wonderful gift of words, something written, something sent to me, for me. 

A poem. 

And I loved it. 

And while I am not going to share it here, I just love how when you read something, as you see the words before you that they reach out, touch you, touch the heart, flood the mind.

And it was that and more. A whole lot more!

And I love it. 

The gift, the words, the gift of those words and that someone has such a wonderful gift and shared that gift with me is something quite lovely and it plunges in and warms the heart.  There is something quite special, that someone takes that time, that thought to send such a wonderful present. 

I've been touched by words, and in several ways recently, left lost for words of my own in response (quite a rare thing for me yanno?) but, sometimes it does happen. 

But that's the beauty of words.

And I love them. 







Dedicate

"I wrote a poem about it, and then threw it away, because that’s the last thing I need right now: More words dedicated to people who will never dedicate a single thing to me" Charlotte Green.

Wise words Charlotte, very wise words indeed. 

I've written posts. I've written words. Yes, I've written poems too of things from the distant past, of things more recent.  At the time they were a release of thoughts and feelings, but they're deleted, thrown away never to see daylight, never to be seen, read or witnessed for this very reason! 

Writing for me, is often a release.  I don't do it for other people to read, to comment or even to see.  It is quite simply for me. 

I have, or should say had, several hundred draft entries here on my blog, they've been purged.

Using the delete button can have a very cathartic feeling of it's own, cleansing away the negative, taking away the toxic feelings, taking away the things that no longer need to be there. Things that do not need anything further dedicated to them other than the original function of a release (and relief) at the time of writing.

And the purging, the letting go it brings about it's own sense of release. 

But Charlotte, you're right, we do not need to dedicate things to people who will never dedicate a single thing in return. 

So, let's not.







16 April 2017

Let's




Let's get lost
in passionate kisses
and forget the
world amongst
lips and bodies.
Let's get lost
in burning lust
with bites and marks
strokes and smacks
caresses and slaps.
Let's get lost
in passionate desire
and drown out
the world
in fervour and fire
with paddle
and flogger
with clamps
and tawse,
with passion
and pain
let me be the cause
of marks upon
your skin
Let's get lost
Let's begin.




13 April 2017

Words


Discharge your words
before my eyes.
Slowly trickle them
toward my ears, 
let them
gently flow 
into my heart.
Flood my soul
with your words
of truth.  Fuelling
fires in depths,
taking away 
my breath.
Empty out the
ocean of thoughts
that fills your mind,
your heart, your soul,
with things
not yet spoken.
Release the
floodgates of words,
of depth and of you.
Let them flow
over me, into me.
Flood me. Engulf me.







12 April 2017

Purge yourself

"Sometimes you've got to let everything go - purge yourself.  If you are unhappy with anything . . .whatever is bringing you down, get rid of it.  Because you'll find that when you're free your true creativity, your true self comes out."
Tina Turner


There are things, which are at times, easier said than done, and purging is one of those things.

We may see something isn't right, we may feel that something is toxic, we can even see the damage that things or people may be causing to ourselves, to our lives, to our own sense of wellbeing, but even seeing all of that, purging isn't all that easy.

Does purging really bring that sense of freedom?

Perhaps, when you've allowed yourself to be free from all the toxicity, when you've allowed yourself to recover from the negative and allow the positivity to flow back into life. 

When you really have let go.

There are things I'm letting go of, things that need to be placed into a box because there's no need for them to see light of day anymore, there's no need for me to carry them any longer.

It's time to let go.  It's time to purge.  I have a clarity of my own thoughts that I've not had for a while.

I'm letting go. Happily. 


It's time to let go, it's time to be free, it's time for oh, so much more.