Pages

21 April 2016

Loss





My heart, my soul, my depth of me
longs for you.

This unchangeable reality of distance
agonized me.

To see, to touch, to embrace you
beckons me.

A yearning to know, to comprehend
who you are.

Though, through the woe of want and time,
I feel the passion of my Divine
saturate me.

I have discovered an illusion of
sorrow and joy.

Sorrow for the loss,
Joy for knowing why.



20 April 2016

9 months . . .

I've been MIA for 9 months.  And how ironic that the last post I made was talking about life passing by in a blur! 

It does.

It has.

I blogged back then That big changes were on the horizon. That I needed to make them. 

And during the time I have been away, big changes HAVE happened.  

The changes I talked about being needed, have happened.  Some other changes too for that matter, but life is very different now, there's been ongoing changes for the better since last July.  Huge. Positive. Changes.

There's also been some crap, some ongoing health issues which I'd been battling for a year.  Throw in 4 surgeries due to complications in a very short period of time, time in and out of hospital with nothing to do but reflect when stuck in a hospital bed and things have changed. 

But life still passes by in a blur.

And we quickly storm into a new year and yet already we are over a quarter of the way into it.  And still the changes happen, still the continue to come into play.  Some of them have been on the back burner, but one by one those changes are changing life, they come off the back burner and are put into place.  Changes. Changing my life. And it's all for the better.

And.  It's good to be back!


16 July 2015

Passing by in a blur



It passes by in a blur.

Life that is.

It has this habit of digging its feet into the mud and kicking up lots of crap that puts up a screen, it makes you lose focus, it stops you doing the things you want to do and the things that you have to do or must do take over.  

You lose sight, often of things which are still important as the other things take over.  You put on a back burner things that were once bubbling nicely.  You have to put on hold things that you really didn't want to.

Not because you want to.  But because you have no choice.

It has been like that for me this year.  Not just the past month or two, but the whole year.  The chance, the time, the motivation and the inspiration to write, has been missing.  The chance for many things has been missing.

Life is what happens. 

And of course it does. It has to.

But something has to give.  Yes, of course, you must prioritise and take care of things that must be taken care of.  The necessary things.  You have to fight through the things that you have to battle through. 

But something will happen that will make you STOP! and realise that things have to change, and that to enable that to happen, you have to make those changes.

That other things are important too.

That there are other important things that are needed in life, aside from the important, aside from those battles.  To ensure that those things that have just been on simmer can be brought back to the boil, so that there is time not only to do the things that you want to, but to enjoy them too.

Some things you just cannot prepare for.  Some things you just can't stop happening.  But, something has to give.

The past months have been filled with levels of stress that I've not had or known for a long while.  the insomnia is at its worst for as long as I can remember.

 But, with all this going in, it also brings home the void that is there, the void which I want but more so NEED to fill. It brings to the forefront what is missing, it shows you that life is passing by in one big blur. And it shouldn't.

While it is all under control (it has to be with me!) the time is coming when changes are being made.

Big changes.  Life changing changes.  

*I* am making those changes. I am taking control of those changes and what is happening to make it happen.



I took a moment to stop and smell the roses. 

An enforced time out which gave me time to do nothing but think. 

And that short time, of nothing more than a few hours gave a moment of clarity that hasn't been able to be there for so many months.

It was a wake up call for me that made me realise that I have to make some changes, not least to sort out the stress levels, but to fill that void, to make changes to life in a positive way.

It is no good just to "live".  I need to be "alive", I need to feel alive.  I need to LIVE.

Life is passing by in a blur.

I want to see life passing and enjoy it passing. I don't want to get to a point and wake up and see that I've missed the whole journey.  I don't want to get to a point and realised that I should have been sharing that journey.

It's time to make changes.













15 July 2015

Perfect was gone.


Perfect.

Standing there you looked perfect.  Too perfect for words.   

There was something about the way that you stood, the way that you were dressed, the suit, the tie, something that said perfection. 

My perfection.

I wanted to corrupt that perfection.

I wanted to corrupt you.

You watched the seductive play of my eyes, trying to read the thoughts racing through my mind that came a reality from the smile that crept slowly over my lips. 

You knew.

You knew damn well what I wanted. 

What I needed. What I was going to take. You knew that I’d play by my own wants. My own needs.   

You knew it.

You’d always known it. 

My eyes focussed on you, my eyes drawn to the tensed muscles in your neck, and I wanted my mouth upon you, tasting you, biting you, running my tongue along where the crispness of your starched cotton shirt met the gentle warmth of your skin. 
 
Too perfect for words.

As lips teased the warmth of your neck my hand reaching to your tie. You wanted it knotted perfectly in place.

I wanted it gone. 
 
Hands moving over the coolness of the shirt, feeling the heat of your body underneath. You wanted your dress shirt perfect.

I wanted it gone.

As I raked teeth along the softness of your neck, your chin, lips gently touching yours, touching exposed flesh, wanting to devour you. 

Too perfect for words.  Too perfect.  

I wanted perfection gone.

I wanted to corrupt it.  I wanted to corrupt you.

Eyes shine with lust.  Tongues meet, whipping at each other.  No softness but strength and heat as teeth gnash as I take your mouth.  Hands working over your perfect dress shirt, removing it from its perfect tuck. 
 
You knew.

Perfect was gone.








Normal?

"In normal life . .  .."  

Why do people think that I do something different in "normal life"?

I am as I am, who I am and what I am every day in my life.  I don't switch "me" on and off.  

This is me.  This is MY normal. 

I do not consider the needs that I have, the desires that exist within me, the kinks or the fetishes that I may have to be abnormal.  

I am NOT abnormal.  And neither is my life compartmentalised with some things being normal and other things not.  Life just is. 

I do not consider the D/s that I may follow, or the FLR to be not normal, it is, as it is. Part of normal life.  Part of MY life. Part of ME.

Yes, it maybe different to others, but why should it make what I do, what I have, what I want abnormal? 

It doesn't.  Not to me.

It is different compared to a lot of people, a lot of situations and a lot of relationships and that is OK. I absolutely accept that.  But what I don't accept is that "this", isn't normal life.

You see a lot of profiles on sites which says things along the lines of "in my normal life I enjoy  . . . ." and then lists activities and interests outside of D/s, but what makes that normal?

For me, all of the things that I do are normal.  Each part of my life is normal.  I do not consider that my FLRs or my D/s needs to be abnormal, they are all part of "life".  Normal life.