I could sense the anticipation that was building up within your body, I could see the fear within your eyes even though you were looking away from me.
Your body trembled, we weren't even close, our skin even barely touching. I lean forward over you, leaning close into your ear as I whisper gently into it.
"You ready?" I asked.
You nod your head slowly.
"I asked if you are ready"
"I . . .I think so . . ." you said in a broken whisper and I could tell that your mouth was dry. That the fear you were feeling was preventing you from talking.
"Tell me. Tell me that you are ready. Tell me what you want. Tell me what you need" I urge you, wanting to hear the words from your mouth. Wanting to hear you plead and beg, and ask for what you wanted.
"I need. . . I want . . .I oh god, I need . . .need to be . . ."
"What do you need? You need to be what?" I asked gently, encouraging you to speak, to open up. I know that making you say it out loud will only add to the humiliation that you're feeling right now. That you are ashamed of wanting what you want . . .what you need . . .even more so admitting it.
"I want . . .and oh god I want to be fucked. I need to be fucked." you speak in the gentlest of whispers.
"How much do you need it? Tell me how much you want it."
"Please. Please I want it so badly. I need it so much."
You are almost begging now through your words, the sense of urgency screaming from the gentlest of whispers. The tone clearly showing me the pleading from within and clearly showing the need that you have. But yet, you also know that in begging, it sparks off the beast within me. It makes me want to hurt you.
But right now, your body is trembling as I touch you, as I run my hands over your back. You are naked. On all fours before me. Your arms shifting occasionally as they are shaking and struggling to keep you in that position.
"Please. Please fuck me. I. Want. It. So. Badly. I need. It. So. Much."
You have turned your head to look at me, so that you can show me the meaning behind your pleadings. I look into the depths of your eye as a tear forms in the corner of your eye.
"Are you sure it is what you want?"
I know that you are begging, pleading, desiring it so much. But I need to be sure. I need to know that it is truly want you want. Even though you say it is, I give you one last chance to change your mind.
"Yes."
"Sure?"
"Yes. I want it so much. I need it so much. Please? Please . . . "
I stand away from you.
Watching the emotions seeping through your body. The arousal of your cock betraying the desire that you have despite the fear in your eyes.
And I turn and nod.
And he is stood behind you.
And he is pushing his cock into the entrance of your ass.
"Oh. My."
"Do you want to stop?" I ask, making sure that this is really what you want.
"No. God no. Don't stop. I can feel it in me. . . .oh god . . .I can feel it going in me."
He starts to push his cock into your ass. You are gasping and sighing. Pleading and begging. Breathing and whimpering. I am stood there watching him fucking you.
"It's so big. Oh God. I need this so badly. Please Sir, fuck me hard!"
And as I look at you pushing yourself back onto him. I look up at him and nod. Giving him the ok to do just what you asked for.
"Ok. Fuck him. Fuck him hard!"
And as I look down at you lost to the moment, that is exactly what he did.
The boy has written in his blog several times about his fantasies in relation to strap ons ~ it even inspired me to write my own blog entry which you can find HERE
I am not normally inspired a great deal to think about strap ons, let alone to want to write about them or have an "urge" to use one.
I haven't really been inspired to divulge in them either.
I don't know why. I just haven't. Strange really when I have such a love for anything "anal", but such is life. There are other things that I do think of, and that suits me fine. It doesn't bother me that I am not drawn to something.
I like what I like, when I like. End of.
But, the thought of having a cock, having the potential to hurt, to use, to give pleasure is one that IS appealing. I do like that thought, I know I would like that feeling . . . but, it is the lack of "feeling" that comes (or doesn't come which is more the case) with a strap on, that doesn't make me want to rush out and put one on!
I like to feel the pain or the pleasure I inflict, and what can you feel with a strap on?
There are no nerve endings, no sensitivity, nothing . . .
I don't like the "nothing".
I don't want the "nothing"
It's like an empty promise, a promise of pleasure, but a pleasure I can never really make happen . . .I want to give pleasure, I want to be able to fuck him and hard, I want to be able to force my way deep into him.
But, I want to TAKE pleasure too.
But, the only way I could do that, is by having a cock, not having something strapped on.
Cock envy?
Maybe.
Yes.
I have so many thoughts, so many visions, so many "desires" of the things I want to force onto the boy.
These thoughts are so damn hot, but also, involve so much more. Violence. Sexual violence. My being able to get off on forcing him, shoving into him, hurting him and not really caring about him, about anything apart from using him to make me come, using him for my pleasure in the way that I want to.
Men can take pleasure or give pleasure with their cocks, they can make someone get off but against their will, they have the ability to just "use" for their pleasure. And that is what is so damn hot and that is why I have cock envy!
I want that ability to use the boy for my pleasure.
I want to be able to use the boy in all of the ways that feature in those dark places within my mind.
And yes, my mind does take me there, to those dark places, ones of unfeeling use, ones of sexual violence along with no concern for the recipient. And that is what I want, that when I am in those dark places I just want to use him, to use him for my pleasure. With a complete detachment and no interest for him. To take no notice of his cries, his screams, his begging.
As my dark thoughts run through the depths of my mind I find myself in darker places, and if I had a real cock. You know, a real flesh and blood cock, Oh my GOD! I would be using it non-stop.
I would be forcing it into the boy at any opportunity, at EVERY opportunity. Not just his arse or into his mouth, face fucking him deep into this throat. No, I'd be using it everywhere, rubbing it everywhere, thrusting it into him deep and hard, making him cry and scream but feeling every single part of it. Rubbing up against him, between his legs, in his underarms, between his arse cheeks . . .everywhere . . .
And mostly, I would be fucking his arse, stretching him with my long hard cock, hearing him beg for me to stop, filling his arse with the cock and the cum from it. Forcing my way into his mouth, down into the back of his throat, pulling his head further onto it to make him gag. Making him cry tears, making him heave.
Pushing him to the ground taking him however I want to, forcing myself onto him, into him, whenever, or however I want.
And the thought is hot!
And the thought turns me on.
But that is what I want, in the depths of the dark places of my mind, but I want to feel it.
And the way I want to feel it.
I will never be able to.
So yes, I have cock envy!
. . . fuck him so hard that he screams and cries.
Strap ons ~ not something that have really overly appealed to me really. I don't necessarily know why, I guess it is because they just haven't made an appearance in the relationships/dynamics that I have had prior to now. Maybe it is because I am the one who in all honesty, loves to be fucked. And that doing the same to another seems at times like too much hard work!
Yet, I love anal. (even the thought of it . . .the memories of it, make me feel so damn hot and horny!)
I have loved it and everything about it for as long as I can remember, from the very first time I was touched there, through to the first time I was fucked and taken in that way . . .And oh my god what a memory that is *grins*
A long term "vanilla" relationship . . .it wasn't wholly vanilla of course, my relationships never have been, there has always been (long before I "found" D/s) an immense amount of kink, a smidgeon of pain and S&M but most definitely lots of anal. And I will never forget how it felt, the pain of it, no preparation, no anything. Just full on, deep, hard, rough. It made me cry, it made me scream at times, but it also made me cum in ways I have never experienced before (or in many ways since!), the memories of it now run through my body to my sex, and I'm wet with the memories and the thought!!!
Anal. It is my favourite. I love it. I MISS IT!
I love anal play in many forms, with toys, with fisting, plugs . . . with things such as figging . . .anal torture . . . the mind can run away with all of the things I have done, experienced, explored, and inflicted on others. So I wonder therefore when I love something so much, that, it hasn't overly appealed, or at least more than it has in the moments I have thought about it and more so, that it is something I haven't actually felt drawn to.
Until now.
The boy, wrote a fantasy blog entry for me this morning it can be found HERE and since reading it, the thought of fucking him that way is growing on me. The thought of it, appeals. The thought of it is arousing. The thought of it makes me wet.
So, with this thought, my mind runs away, and I picture the boy on all fours. I am stood behind him, spreading his legs wider so I know that when I go in that I can go in deeper. And yet, I want to go in so deep, I want to fuck him so hard that he cries and screams.
I want the boy to feel it. I want to fuck him til he cries. I've told the boy this in a text while he is at work. Adding to his frustration that weeks of denial and chastity are creating.
But it is appealing.
More appealing than it has been to me before.
I know some of that is coming from the way the boy and I are interacting and I know that a lot of it is coming from his submissiveness that I see, that I feel, that I witness. I feel drawn to it ~ to his submissiveness, the way he responds. Maybe I am allowing myself to finally do so.
It comes as part of wanting more, of wanting to take more.
But more so, it is coming from this need I have to fuck him. To hurt him. To make him cry. So, even though it maybe something that hasn't been explored . . .I think that there may come a time when it will be.
I think that the boy isn't going to know what has hit him.
Literally.
