23 April 2011

Emotional Masochism.

Some weeks ago, I wrote an entry titled "Wanted ~ online sadist"  which talked about "inflicting" sadism from a distance. 

I briefly touched upon emotional masochism, mentioning it is a completely different ball game and in fact, due to the fact it is something that plays upon the humiliation and the degradation of the emotions isn't a game at all.

I did say that I would come back, write further, as emotional masochism is something that interests me, it is something that I have explored. 

At one time in my own "past life" to be upon the receiving end of it, where I discovered at that point in exploration a need for emotional pain, and that emotional masochism was very much a need that needed to be fulfilled. That there was a brief time in such exploration of myself that I was and defined myself as an emotional masochist. 

Although now, my interest in it lies from the sadistic side, from inflicting the emotional pain, from being an emotional sadist. But also being fully aware that this is not a need that everyone has, and it isn't one of my "must do's".  Although I think there are indeed very "mild" forms of emotional pain which can be inflicted with words, with acts of humiliation but which do not take someone to the depths of being emotionally broken.

Many people however, seem to link emotional masochism with someone who makes bad choices in their relationships and partners and as such are drawn to "misery" within those relationships.  With thoughts that it is something that exists because of a low self esteem, that it comes about because the person doesn't want to feel happy.  That people will choose particular partners knowing that they are unavailable emotionally, that they cannot commit emotionally; that the end result of the relationship is from its outset, "doomed". 

In one particular discusson on a BDSM website someone described it as

"Emotional masochism... I believe that is the fancy name for falling for total wankers"
But, I disagree that in a Ds or BDSM sense, this isn't what emotional masochism is at all.

In a BDSM sense, it isn't about being attracted to someone who is a total wanker, someone who will treat them badly and that this instead is self destructive tendencies rather than emotional masochism. 

The two, are indeed very different.

Very very different.

I also believe that those who are emotional masochists are not suffering from a lack of self esteem and if anything are the opposite. That they need to have a personal strength, to be aware of their own self worth to be able to allow themselves to go to the depths where they can feel the pain, but will never be in a position of believing that is how they truly are.  That they are able to go down to the depths but also able to come back to the top, not an easy feat when emotional pain is involved.

But that there are people who need to have the emotional highs, of being loved, and "treated like a princess" but to also be treated like a piece of worthless shit, because it makes them feel good but those feelings come from something completely different.

It touches on different things than physical pain, but for many, is still a very genuine need.  And while it maybe not something everyone is into, that it may not be a need for everyone, for those who do have a need, it doesn't make it wrong or as some people always put into the equation "abuse".

Emotional masochism is complicated and many people find it hard to understand why someone would want to experience emotional pain, because it can be horrible, it can be damaging if it is something that isn't done with real care.  It is something that needs to be understood, so that the feelings that come to the emotional masochist are fulfilling just as if they were being hit with a cane or flogger.
When I explored this on the receiving end it was a genuine need which did more than arouse me, did more than "spice things up". Of course experiencing emotional pain can take you to places where every part of you reacts, but it is fills a deeper need, it fulfils, it thrills, it completes.  But it is hard to explain to someone how you need to feel that broken person, and that the pain of being hurt emotionally is something that you need.
Many believe that emotional pain cannot fulfil, that it is impossible to thrive on such, but this is not the case, for the emotional masochist they do thrive on the emotional pain that their Dominant can inflict upon them. And they need that pain just as much as they need happiness and love and all of the positive emotions. 
 It can fulfil in the same way physical pain can and does for the masochist.  That it does the same as a nice newly spanked or caned behind.
Of course for those who are not an emotional masochist, this can be extremely dangerous, playing with someones emotions, can lead to serious problems for both parties. 
But for some, that emotional pain and the need for it is intense, that you need the kind of pain that tears your insides out, that physically makes you ache within as if someone has reached in, grabbed the heart and squeezed all of the life from it. 
A pain that induces gut wrenching, body shaking sobs, the ones that bring great big tears that pour over the cheeks, a pain that can take your breath away that can even leave you numb, physically and emotionally.  And a pain that can leave you a sobbing, completely broken mess upon the floor.
For some it is hard to imagine why anyone would want that level or that kind of pain, to feel that knot of pain that you can feel deep within, but this can feed as well as a deeply marked back, a screaming pain that comes from such emotional pain can be just as fulfilling for the emotional masochist, that another may get from someone's hand, or a flogger or a cane.
The similarities come in that it is still a sensation.
Just because that sensation and fulfilment comes from someone ripping a heart out and squeezing it, doesn't mean that the person who needs it is weak or has self esteem issues.  In fact far from it.  It can be just as much about needing that particular pain and sensation that comes with any other masochistic need with physical pain.
But from a Dominant perspective, or more so from my own dominant perspective, emotional masochism just cannot be compared to those people who seek out self destructive, negative relationships and situations with people who quite literally do not give a fuck about them.
In my own experiences, some of the vilest and darkest emotional pain comes from the deepest and loving of places.  I wouldn't be able to inflict such emotional pain if there were not deep emotional connections and feelings, and I personally do not think that if the submissive wasn't adored and loved and cherished and that those feelings weren't reciprocated that it wouldn't take the emotional pain to the depths that an emotional masochist or sadist needs to fulfil their needs.  That without such connection and bond (and indeed trust) that it would be almost impossible to reach a situation and experience which leads to the masochist having such emotional pain that they wish they could die on the spot.

Sometimes, there is just something so beautiful; so fulfilling in being broken down, and from my own sadistic point of view, of not only physically but emotionally breaking someone down.  For them to be that broken sobbing mess on the floor whose heart has been taken from within . . .it meets the needs of the sadistic pleasure as well as the masochistic need.

But it thrills.

It feeds.

It balances.

It completes.

The "buttons" to be pressed however, still vary from person to person, they are still very much individual and what may bring one person emotional pain, may not to another.  This is what comes with learning about the other person, knowing what their needs are, finding ways to push those buttons so you can inflict the emotional pain upon them in the way that they need it. 

But emotional masochism can be incredibly intoxicating, incredibly powerful, and while it may bring a situation of a person being emotionally broken, they are strong enough to deal with those intense emotions and feelings and to know that those feelings come with being cherished, loved and adored.  There really does need to be an emotional and mental strength from both parties, to take someone to that level and to bring them back up.

I once read this description by an emotional masochist which explains it so very well and just how those feelings can meet the need.

Being pushed far outside of your emotional comfort zone is incredibly cathartic. To be broken down and feel bereft and lost then utterly found is an intoxicating feeling. It gives me a sense of strength and peacefulness and fulfilment inside.
So, as a dominant, what do I get from inflicting the emotional pain?
What is it about being an emotional sadist?
Well, it is one of those situations where I am able to feed off the responses of the sub, and that I can find myself going to new and some wonderful places, that as the submissive soaks up the emotional pain, as I see them diminish, see them getting smallerand weaker is an incredibly powerful but intoxicating experience.  
To reach in and pull the strings of the heart, to take it out from them and stamp on it, making it hurt, making them hurt, is an incredibly powerful thing. 
But it is one that comes with such emotional depths and feeling.  It is the extremes of making the submissive feel truly loved, adored, cherished, letting them know how wonderful they are, but on the flip side of the coin, making them feel worthless, useless, degraded and broken.  It is a contradiction in many ways, but inflicting such emotional pain, taking someone to the depths of this feeling is only something that can be achieved with an incredibly strong, emotional bond between the dominant and the submissive.  I would not be able to hurt someone in that way without it.
I couldn't just pull out a level of deep cruelty for just anyone, but it is something that comes and exists with a trust, bond and love. It is not something that you can just jump into, but something that takes time to develop, to explore, to reach the depths that emotional pain can bring. 
It is about ensuring that the submissive is fully aware of the feelings that are felt about them and towards them, so ultimately they know they are protected by those feelings, by the love and the care that I have for them.  It is important to know that the submissive is safe to proceed, whether it be emotional pain which touches the surface, or that which hits the very depths.  And one of the very important things for me, are the emotions that we feel, that are felt within the relationship, as I've written before, the emotions are the driving force of the things that we do, and that is no different to emotional masochism.
While the depths are fragile for the submissive, it can be just as much so for the dominant, for me.  There is a very fine line with breaking the invisible and mental connection that comes with enslavement. There is always that very fine line that we walk, what if it goes wrong, if we get it wrong, if we go too far?  But that is the knife edge and fear that so much of BDSM, Ds, S&M and TTWD brings and the whole beauty of it. 
There is beauty within pain, whether it be of the physical or of the emotional, but with the latter, only if they are an emotional masochist and sadist with an understanding and a need for that type of pain.


  1. Wow, i have only stumbled across your blog today. Whilst reading many of your entries i decided not to comment on any of the entries until i get a feel of who you are.

    I am by no means trying to identify you with this single one entry, however you reached out to who i am so totally with this entry. I was going to copy and paste one sentence and then comment on it, i found myself nearly copying and pasting the whole article.

    Such emotional masochism and sadism as you have described here, very clearly, is an act that would bring two people into one. There is no way that such depths could be reached without the two being totally in unison and lost not in themselves, but rather in the other.

    I'd be interested in knowing if you have ever come close to this with someone? If you have how did you loose one another? I could only know that if i were in such a relationship, where these depths were being find, my emtiional masochistic side would be to want to hold onto you forever, for life would be more complete.

  2. I have just gotten words for what I have been experiencing: I am an emotional masochist. I now get it. Today my husband told me he wanted to let go of his girlfriend because he saw that it was hurting me. Instead of relief I felt loss. Later this evening he texted me, she had just shown up at the pub where he works. The pain shot through me... I am secure in his love for me. I know I am adored... and I started thinking and it turned into a fantasy: "but what if he kisses her? Oh god, he's kissing her"--and the thoughts and images in my mind gave me the feeling of pain just as delicious as the sting of the paddle against my bare exposed skin.

  3. As a masochistic male, this is a piece to be read and reread. This is why I'm not going to comment on it right now. I want to do justice to what I can tell is a deeply insightful piece.

    But... JGIRLREDZZ... Oh wow. OUCH!!
    But I get it. About the most turned on I've ever felt was during a tense, silent drive back from holiday when I thought my girlfriend had got down n' dirty with my mate. When I found out they hadn't it was such a disappointment!!
    So, how has the situation progressed? Is Hubby still having his cake & eating it? ;)
    If I were you I'd go to the pub... lurk in the corner... and watch as he takes her in his arms as your tears sting your face cheeks like the paddle stings your bum cheeks! :p

    I wish you every joy in your pain! :) x