29 April 2011

Live . . .with the door wide open

Something happened this week, which bought to mind some words that a very good friend of mine once said to me . . .

Live for the bliss. For the fear. Live for the heartbreak. Live for the laughter and for the love and for the tears. 

Live for yourself . . . with the door wide open.
And I get that.
I do. 

But I also say, know when it is time to close the door. 

But even more so know when or if it is a good idea to allow them to re-open.

Never mind about sliding doors, this is about opening doors.  Or perhaps more so, closing doors. 

That even during difficult times, or the time out that I took, when I took a step back and a detachement from certain things, that door was always open.  There are times it may not have been wide open, but left ajar maybe, but it has always been open. 

Open to the future.

Open to whatever or who may come through the door.  Open to whatever or whoever life may bring along.

But, I am also someone who closes doors on things where it needs to be closed on.  It gives closure, the door needs to close for a reason, and I for the most part, feel that closed doors shouldn't be allowed to re-open.

So, I rarely allow them to. 

This may seem harsh.  But we close doors for a reason, upon things that have happened for a reason.  When we close them, it will have been done because there was a need to, that we had to.

So why would we re-open them, re-opening to what was or what happened before?

Something happened recently which did mean a door re-opened.  With concern yes. With hesitancy certainly.  But the door opened slightly, but that hesitancy meant it didn't nor wouldn't, nor could it ever open fully.

We should listen to the gut feelings that we have, we should listen to the hesitancy or concern that we may feel.

Something happened this week which confirmed to me, that my hesitancy in doing so, in allowing the door to re-open, was very right.  It also showed me that it is important that I do not second guess myself, that I do not doubt the decisions I have made and which have always been the right one.

My own experiences in the past have shown me the right time to close the door and also, not to allow them to re-open.

I should hold onto that and know what works for me.

It does.

So although a "sliding door" may have been opened again, it isn't just sliding shut, it has already been firmly closed.

In hindsight, maybe it should have been left that way, but hindsight is something we do not have at the time. 

Still even though a door may close, I continue to live with the door, very much wide open.



  1. This post brings back memories.
    Memories - and gratitude.

    Less than 4 months into my relationship with the sadist, I completely misunderstood something he did. My reaction caused him to walk away, closing the door forever - albeit with regret.

    About a month later, to my amazement (and his, too, perhaps), he sent me something to read, and eventually accepted me back into his service - something he NEVER does in such circumstances. There have been storms since then, and given the intensity of each of us probably always will be. But the door... I am so grateful that he thinks it worth it to never fully close that door!

  2. I am glad that he re-opened the door, I have followed your blog during recent weeks.

    But I have to say, it isn't easy knowing when to close that door completely and I always make sure that it is the right thing before it is firmly shut, give plenty of time before doing so, even leaving the latch off.

    I allowed a door to slightly re-open, I don't regret it, I don't think it was so much the wrong thing to do, but in its own way, allowed a closure that wasn't there when the door closed the first time round. This time round tho, it closes, knowing it is the right thing, and that is all we can ask of ourselves.

    I wish you and the sadist well on your journey

    With kind regards, Kat

  3. Thanks, Kat. Maybe that's the thing... that you are thoughtful about closing doors, whereas he, in his intensity of feeling for me, reacted hastily with hurt and disappointment. Since then, he still reacts with intensity, but never slams the door.

    We think of those who are dominant as being so controlled and logical - or maybe that's just what we expect. But you all are still human, after all.

    It's good to get a dominant perspective. Thank you!