18 March 2017
Regaining my control...
There is something about the early hours of the morning, or is it the late hours of the night that brings about a time of thought, of reflection that other times of day do not seem to.
As an insomniac, I see this time of night on a far too regular basis, and when the night is dark, when there is no sound, it can seem, for some an almost lonely time. And yet, I am so used to this time, this space, these moments of stillness it often brings a sense of calm. For me it is a time when the mind often floods with thoughts, with memories, as it recalls, as it reflects, as it tries to find an understanding of things that may be happening.
I've paced the house on a couple of occasions this week, watched the dark of the night gently fade into the light of a new day, a night which has passed without sleep, but certainly not without thought.
I sometimes wish there was an off switch to the mind, to my mind. I often wish that there was something, anything which would just switch off the noise in my own head, stop the agitated thoughts that flood the mind, helping to ease some of tumultuous introspection.
And yet, it is often at this time of night when I can and do find a level of understanding of myself, my thoughts, the feelings I may have, but this has alluded me this week also. As I take the time in the dark and quiet, to simply be. To simply feel. To simply sit in the feelings and thoughts that I have to seek a level of understanding and clarity. And it is often, at this time, that I reach here . . .my blog . . .my place where I can literally work through and find an understanding of where I am.
(So . . .here I am . . . )
A lot of the noise this week has been work related, one of the downsides of being self employed when things aren't going as well as they should or were, when things are up in the air it can bring along a level of stress as you simply have to try and work things out, begin to make plans, try to step back from the situation that has brought this stress to the surface.
It was hard stepping back for me this past week, situations left a level of anger that I've not felt for a long time, and still some of it lurks now (although the situation is almost resolved).
But more so I don't like how this has had an effect on other things this week too.
And then of course, my mind is flooded with thoughts of something, of someone who has come into life like a damn whirlwind
:-D (a rather wonderful one mind!) making the solid foundation gently rock and sway.
It has been a long time since someone has filled my thoughts in this way, it's been a long time since I have physically found myself missing someone, of finding myself wanting to be with them, to spend time with them, to just be close. It's been a long time since I've found myself drawn to someone, of wanting to learn about them, to get to know them to their very depths. It's been a long time since there has been any other focus apart from my son and my work! So, it's all very different. But all very good!
And I am here, trying to find an understanding of what is so very different, of what it is that my head? My Heart? Both? is not yet able to get an understanding of.
The understanding alludes me right now.
So I am here, delving and exploring, the thoughts in my mind, of where I am, after all I can always rely on a good writing session to help me find a clarity.
I love how things are so very different.
I do not feel as if I've taken these steps before. I do not feel as if I've walked down this path before and that for me is a wonderful thing.
But then, when things are so very different, it takes getting used to, you (*I*) have to find a steady footing, and then it's all happening at lightning speed and that's different too and that on it's own makes some things a little harder to comprehend...
And yet, things do not seem too quick (in fact, my desires, my hopes, my thoughts are even further ahead than we actually are)!
But, simply put, I can't quite put my finger on the word that I need, of the word that would describe how it is, how I'm feeling. I have so many thoughts and words flying around in my head, it as if they are all shouting at me, screaming at me to take notice and I can't quite hear. Some of the words seem so negative though and there's not a negative thing about this in the slightest. (apart from the fact that it is the depths of the night and I am sat here alone - wishing I wasn't - trying to find a clarity, trying to find words)
No. As that would suggest an unease or that there was a worry sitting behind these feelings, of what is happening. And I don't feel worry or unease.
It would suggest lacking stability and that isn't right either.
Perturbed, shaken, upset? No. None of these.
Not in the slightest.
Perhaps it is (I am) unsettled in relation to change, change in life, change in thoughts, change in focus, change in where I am and where I want, (hope or desire to be). Perhaps it is because life is changing, (has already changed) in a most surprising way and because I want it to change in many, many more ways.
Yes. Perhaps that is it.
Or perhaps it's just I wasn't expecting the unexpected and right now, I'm not in control of just how I am feeling?
Hmmmm..... (here comes the hitting the nail on the head . . .)
Perhaps that is exactly it.
A shift in the control I have of my own thoughts, of my own feelings, because of something so wonderfully unexpected.
But, it isn't that I am unsettled, or that things are unsettling me, it's because I'm flooded with a whole new load of thoughts, and feelings and desires and longings and I wasn't expecting it. I've been open to it, but it hasn't happened.
And that's it.
I'm at a point where currently I am not in control of where I am, of how I am feeling, of what I am thinking and I need to take that back, I need to find that balance, I need to be back in control of "me", in control of the thoughts, and finding the balance that feeds me and for the steps going forward.
And because I thought that the understanding of it all was alluding me, I felt unsettled and it is not that way at all. I've actually been a little out of control of my own thoughts, my own feelings, of my own brain
Because after all, I think I've said it before . . . it's all about control. ;-)