25 March 2017


Am I disappointed that what was expected into my email box didn't arrive? 

Or am I actually more disappointed that it has passed without comment, as if it (I, *we*) holds no meaning? 

Or, is that actually a reflection? 

Does it, does this, hold meaning? Importance?

There was no mention that it wouldn't be there, no word, no anything.  Not even an excuse, not even an "I can't".  And that is disappointing.

Is it because it shows a lack of care, a lack of interest?  Is it because it's just a game? Does it actually show all of those things?

Was it forgotten? 

If so, that doesn't help in the slightest. 

Being forgotten is like a kick to the stomach - it's worse than something not actually being done.

It whispers an "it's not important", it speaks a "you don't matter", It utters an "I don't care".  It shouts an "I'm not interested" or "what you want holds no importance"  . . .or is it screaming a "fuck you!" all without a single word being uttered?

It was done to learn, to explore, to connect . . . at least from my side it was, trying to help the disconnect, as well as delving, trying to show from my side that I do care, that I am interested, that I want to learn so very much and that I will take steps to try to work with the distance and the situation we are in.

It's not so much of an empty inbox, it's more because it wasn't worthy of time, of thought or that it wasn't even worth a respectful "it won't be there". 

I can't help feeling a little kick in the stomach, a little slap in the face . . .a little disappointed.


  1. Dear Kat,

    I'm coming at this from a submissive male point of view.

    If he reads this, there will be no worse a feeling than knowing that he has caused a feeling of disappointment. For me, as a submissive there is nothing worse. In fact, it's the worst form of punishment that my dominant can dish out to me. It is far worse than a beating, it is far worse than anything. Because that deep down feeling of knowing I have disappointed Her is just crushing.

    Only he will truly know why he did not do what was asked, only he will know why he did not reach out. It could well be he hasn't needed to before. It could be that he hasn't been able to before.

    But if he does read this, then he will have a very big insight into how his actions can cause a landslide of feelings and negativity - even if not intended. But it also gives him the opportunity to take steps to put it right, to make changes to move forward.

    He will also be the only one who can tell you if there's a lack of care, a lack of feeling, a lack of interest, a lack of wanting. Of whether it is a whisper or a shout of a big fuck you! (I do not get the feeling that it is that at all, although Kat, I could be totally wrong LOL)

    I know, that you will not give up on him and neither will you allow something like this to destroy something that could potentially be a perfect. I hope that he will not allow it to either.

    I know that you will have learned from this situation, I am sure that he will too. We learn, we grow, we develop even when it's in ways that we hadn't planned on. Or even dear Kat, if it is because our heart is invested in a way we've not yet admitted.

    Yours, as always A x

    1. A.

      It would seem currently, that you have a desire to keep pushing out comments about how I, or how he may be feeling about the other. We are so very early on in our journey and there is all the time in the world to explore but also to express those feelings.

      I will not deny that there is an emotional investment already, we wouldn't be exploring as we are, if there wasn't. I wouldn't have the keys to his device around my neck if there wasn't, but we are so early in our journey and we have all the time in the world.

      If you're trying to push me into some big announcement about how I may feel, you won't get that. It will happen when I am good and ready, and it will be he, that is first to know!

      It is also quite possible to get blown along in the whirlwind of feelings and feel so out of control with things - being out of control doesn't work for me! This however does not stop me feeling - I am emotionally driven and I feel . . .for me that is a plus. It doesn't mean that anyone shouldn't be sure of how they are feeling, of finding an understanding of how they are feeling and taking that time.

      I'm not sure what your agenda is here!

      What happened here is most definitely not enough to make me give up on him, or to allow it to destroy anything of what may be. But yes, we learn. We never stop learning.

      Best, Kat

    2. Dear Kat,

      I did not mean to offend you with my comments, and if I have done, then I sincerely and humbly apologise.

      I did not mean any offence by commenting as I did or indeed with what I did and there isn't any agenda.

      The only thing on my agenda is hoping that you have finally found happiness with someone who is deserving of your heart and indeed vice versa.

      You've talked recently of vulnerability and of putting your heart out there, and I was simply perhaps suggesting that maybe it is already out there, that maybe that feeling of vulnerability is just being a barrier.

      I know that it is early days for you both, and I really wish you nothing but happiness.

      Forgive my forwardness.

      Yours, as always A x

  2. Hugs, Kat.

    The worst part of "no contact" is that we come up with our own reasons for its absence. I envy those with over-active imaginations who can envision some tragedy that caused a chain reaction of events leaving the other person pinned under a collapsed set of bookcases, unable to reach their phone. Unfortunately my brain reasons in a way similar to yours and it feels dreadful.

    I'm truly hoping that there is a legitimate reason* for this.

    Take care.

    *can be used interchangeably with "excuse" depending upon point of view.

    1. Thank you fur sissy for your comment.

      It's something we have talked about and we have learned.

      We cannot stop how our own brain reasons at times, however much I wish it weren't so.

      Best, Kat