26 March 2017

What was, now isn't and what never will be.

There are, some days throughout the year that I really think we could do without.

Mothers Day is one of them.

There are so many people who struggle with such a day, those who have lost their mothers or those who have never really known them, those who cannot be mothers themselves, those who have tried to become a Mum and  cannot, or have tried and have lost, those who have had children and have suffered the heart-breaking loss.

It brings a whole host of emotions and pain, sadness and anger to the surface, a time when people silently struggle with what this day is and their own conflicted feelings.

For me, it is a harsh reminder of the void that exists since my Mum passed away, it is a sad reminder that it was this time of year that we received the news that her illness was terminal and there was literally nothing they could do.  We didn't have a great relationship when I was growing up during my teen years, mainly following the separation of my parents, but from my late teens after the death of my much younger brother, we developed a relationship that blossomed.  In adulthood she was a rock, she was a great support and more than that, she was my best friend.  And even now, many years later, not a day goes past without my missing the fact I cannot pick up the phone to talk to her, to share news, to catch up.  I miss her.

I may have grieved, but her loss is still so deeply felt and this day doesn't stop the feelings returning, the sense of loss and the void that exists without her being here. The memories of her suffering and how much life changed after she'd gone. 

This day, is a harsh reminder that I was there with her, holding her hand as she took her last breath from this world, but it is also a reminder that I was there when someone so tiny was coming into this world, . . .into my world and yet never got to take a breath. 

This day is tinged with a sense of sadness and loss, a stark reminder of what was once there and is no longer and a harsh reminder of what could have been (however long ago it may have been) and yet, never will be.

And yet, there is something quite wonderful - I am a Mum. 

I am blessed by the wonderful son that I have and this is something I treasure so deeply.  He makes me proud every single day as I watch him grow into the wonderful young man that he is.  I am forever thankful and blessed that in being his Mum I have been able to learn what real love truly is. 

And for that reminder, I am thankful.

I am blessed and I know I am deeply lucky and yet the other feelings that sometimes creep (and which sometimes come full force like a fucking tsunami) to the surface on a day like today, tinges the most wonderful with sadness, with a sense of loss.

Such dissonant feelings that get pushed to the surface for one day. 

A reminder of what was and now isn't; a reminder of the potential but what will never be; but also a reminder of the wonderful for which I will always be thankful.


  1. Hugs, Kat.

    Having never known my biological mother there are definitely conflicting emotions that arise. Having my adopted mother stand by and watch as I was abused brings up even more.

    It is good that you are able to find positives that are able to find some balance even in the pain. Balance probably isn't the right word, it's odd how both good and bad flow simultaneously and we feel each of them strongly instead of some average between the two.

    Your son is lucky to have a caring and loving Mom/Mum.

    Take care.

    1. Dear fur sissy,

      Thank you!

      I think those good and bad often do flow simultaneously. I am a person who feels, deeply, so feel the bad to the same lengths as the good - it can make it a rollercoaster at times!

      Best, Kat

    2. Indeed.

      Feeling deeply is always commendable, even if it doesn't always feel great.

      At least experiencing the fully cuts both ways. While it can limit the peak of overall joys when feeling good it can also provide some solace when feeling bad.

      It's also interesting how much better it feels to have those ups and downs than flat-lining.

      Take care.

    3. oh yes, I totally agree. Anything is better than flat-lining!

      Best, Kat

  2. Dear Kat,

    So much loss. So much pain and sadness. And yet, life filled with something so very precious - your son!

    I am sure he is blessed in having a most wonderful Mum who will give him a strong foundation in life. He will certainly grow into a young man seeing a strong woman and no doubt appreciates all that you do for him.

    I hope that you continue to experience many more "wonderful" in your future, with your son and with whoever is within your life. You deserve nothing less.

    Yours, as always, A x