20 December 2010

The boy ~ my thoughts, my denial, his place.

I could at this point, say My boy. 

Because after all, he IS mine.

But, to me at the moment he is "the boy" it fits well, it doesn't mean he isn't mine, he is, but for the time being at least, he is "the boy"

Mind you, although he is the boy, there are lots of names that have already been thrown his way, and even though they may touch on different feelings, I know that he is happy to be called whatever it is that I decide to call him at the time.  He will be many things, but whether he is boy, slut, whore, dirty, or any other name or combination, he will still be the boy, he will still be my boy!

I know from my own past experiences the effect that being called certain things, or names used in certain ways can bring a whole range of feelings, that even though some of them may be so humiliating, they still send a sense of warmth, you still feel those butterflies when you hear it, it still makes you tremble with wanting and excitement, you still feel wanted, owned, cherished and aroused.  

No matter how humiliating, no matter how degrading those words or names may be, they still carry and bring so many different feelings, but all in a positive way.  Behind each name still comes the same feeling, the same caring, the same everything.

My "time out" from all that is D/s has been a long one, but it was one that was needed, and has put me into a place where when I move forward, it is with hope for the future. I know all too well that I have not been ready to do so, and even though I was actually not actively looking, the boy came along.

And ah. . . the boy!

I didn't "plan" or expect there to be a boy at all, after all, I was and have been on time out, but it became clear from the time we began chatting etc that we have gotten on in such a positive way.  

We may share similar thoughts, or have similar sense of humours, but we are on totally different ends of the D/s scale, but, it is that complete opposite which shares many similarities and where it allows his submissiveness to naturally flow out. And it does. And you can see it and witness it within his words and actions.

And as is so often the case in D/s, when you have the right combination of submissive and Dominant, each others natural self comes to the fore.  And I believe it does and I believe it is with the boy and I.  However, I also know that he with his submissiveness and willingness to serve and please, has brought an incredibly strong sadistic part of me to the surface. 

I often sit here and think I have such a desire, a want to hurt the boy. 

Yes I have a sadistic streak, a sadistic need. 

But that need is coming out far more now and in a strength I have not known before.  I am drawn by his submissiveness, and in return he is drawn to the opposite (or addicted as in the boys own words lol) and from my own experience that is quite a rare thing to be drawn in such ways.

I know how it feels to be drawn to the wonders of someones Dominance, to find every submissive part of you responding to them, it makes you want to submit, it makes you feel it with every part of you.  And it is the same from the other side, or at least it is for me.  I find myself responding to the boy, to his submission, to his submissiveness and more.

I wasn't expecting to feel drawn to anything or anyone. 

I wasn't really wanting to, but now that I am, I love how it feels, and I am pleased with how things are going, with how things are progressing.

The boy who has now been in chastity for however long it is . . .(36 days or somewhere around that mark ~ I couldn't honestly tell you ~ although I know full well the boy could lol). 

When I took control of what is now my cock, I honestly didn't think he would last as well as he has done.  Yes he may whinge and whine about the levels of frustration, but I know just how much those levels of frustration have been pushed . . .I know that I have made it increasingly harder for him, and have pushed him in terms of edging, in denying him orgasm and making him experience various things which really has been  a torture to hear while he is denied. 

I love to push, he responds.

I love to tease, he responds.

I love to control, he responds.

It is working just fine. *smiles*

He has admitted at times he has longed to touch (there have been times when he hasn't even been able to touch let alone edge or orgasm) but has said he knows that he would be failing, but also that he would more than anything be cheating himself.  And that makes me see the depths of his inner self, his inner submissiveness even more.

He has also learned during this time, that I actually do not care how long he has been denied for, I do not care how hard it is, or how frustrated he is. Whether it is one day, one week, one month, that isn't the issue.  I do not count, I don't overly care about the timing of it all, it is about the control, and that is exactly what I have.

Instead he has learned all too well what we talked about before I took control, those thoughts, feelings that I wrote about in an earlier blog HERE and why I believe that chastity and denial has such a place both in D/s and also FLRs.

My thoughts, my feelings, my wants in terms of denial, in terms of chastity has become the boy's reality, his daily reality, his ongoing reality.

He has found an understanding of how it makes a sub focus on his Dominant, of how you get to a point where you will do almost anything, if not anything to please, (and with the hope that the ability to edge or release may be granted), an understanding that the need and the desire to please the Dominant increases with each day of denial.

And he has found an understanding of just why I said to him that chastity has such a place in both D/s and FLR relationships and dynamics and why, it is something that will have a place in ours.

He has found out what will be a part of his life from now on. He has found out what it is like to be denied, to be controlled and to no longer make the decision about when he may wank, or orgasm. He has found out what it is like to have his cock owned and controlled by someone else.  He has I am sure found out a lot of things, he will no doubt find out a whole lot more!

There is so much more to explore, devices, points of intrigue, extended denial, but especially tease and denial, if the boy thinks he has been teased and denied to this point, he has had nothing yet *evil grin*

And for me it has made me come back into touch with something that I love .  ..something I adore and need . . .control!  It has brought many feelings to the surface, ones that are always there, but ones which have just been put to one side for the time being.

I love the control that I have over this part of him. 

I love how I can tease him, take him to the edge and then deny him. 

I love making him feel so frustrated. It makes me laugh when I hear just how frustrated he is.  

I love his frustration, his desperation, I love how it makes me feel, the power, the way it brings out the sadistic Bitch in me.  I love the control!

Chastity and denial is incredibly powerful. 

I have that power and control over him and I love every single minute of it. 

It really has brought me back into feeling things that I haven't felt in all of my "time out", it has been somewhat of a gentle reintroduction, but it has brought to the surface many many feelings that I love, that I want, but also need.

I know that I can be incredibly dismissive of his frustrations, of his want for release, but it isn't about him. It isnt about his pleasure or not.  I do not have sympathy for his frustrations or his longings.  This is why I do not count how long he has been denied for, it is why, ultimately I do not care how frustrated he is or will get.  He will feel that way AND more.

What I do care about is the results that come from having such a wonderful attentive boy, who will be grateful and thankful for any time he is granted release. That he will serve, please and do all he can to do that, that he will be devoted and attentive, oh so attentive, maybe in the hope that release for him will be granted, never knowing if it will be, but also, that he will be thankful and grateful for every day he continues to be denied.

But I do care about everything it does but more so will bring, to him, to me, but to "us", whatever it is it may bring. In whatever way. I know that all that it will bring will reinforce the relationship, for him, for me, for us.

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