16 December 2010
Punishment NOT "funishment"
I was quite amused when having asked the boy if he was sure he wanted to be allowed to edge that I told him that he could do so by not using his hands but humping a cushion instead. I could tell by the short silence that followed his online response that he wasn’t expecting that, and also, in that short moment of no response, I knew the boy was feeling pissed off that he was on one hand being given the opportunity to edge, but that he wasn’t allowed to touch and that the only way he could do so was by doing the humping a cushion.
We may as well have been sat in the same room, I knew what he was thinking, I knew he was pissed off (and the boy admitted it when I directly asked him!) but I also knew that by being made to edge in this way, would also touch on some feelings of humiliation for him.
His response however, was “I will take my punishment!”
But, this wasn’t a punishment, being allowed to edge through whatever means isn’t a punishment, it is a reward. And it pleases Me that he edges but that he is denied longer from being able to touch himself. I know that is what he wanted to do perhaps more than anything, that it may not wholly be so much about missing the feelings that come from doing so, but more so the act itself.
So, I decided to ensure that the boy took photos of himself while humping his pillow, that if he made any mess he was not to clean up but leave it on the pillow so that if there was any wetness, he would be reminded of it when he went to bed, the dampness on his face, the smell of his own self drifting up his nose. Was any of that a punishment? No.
My D/s relationships include punishment. I do not play at punishment for fun. I do not do “funishment”. I don’t do a “you’re a naughty boy” *giggle* and a quick *thwack* that for me is not what punishment is about. Punishment is a penalty for getting something wrong.
- verb (used with object)
1. to subject to pain, loss, confinement, death etc, as a penalty for some offense, transgression, or fault: to punish a criminal.
2. to inflict a penalty for (an offense, fault, etc.): to punish theft
Take out death. Obviously.
I don’t like to use corporal punishment often as punishment. It is often too close to things which are “scene” or for want of a better word “play”. Also, if the sub has a masochistic tendency I will use CP even less because it moves away from them doing things wrong simply to receive punishment. And the punishment in that case becomes a pleasure. Punishment does NOT equal pleasure. There should not be ANY pleasure in receiving a punishment. This then leads on to subs doing things to be punished, to meet said mashochistic needs . . .
not only is that topping from the bottom and a complete NO! it also takes away from the dynamic that exists. It is being a brat. I don't do brats. I don't do bratty behaviour. End of.
The boy shouldn’t enjoy a punishment, it should be boring, tedious, or something that serves to remind him and yes to . . .punish. There is of course the conversation about what went wrong, about what the punishment is for or to what it relates . . .these things are a matter of course, and very important if the transgression or the “offence” is particularly serious.
I don’t see that punishments are a deterrent. There are all of those arguments that everyone is an adult and we as adults do not need to be punished. I use them. I like them and it is my opinion that they have a very important place in an
FLR, an O & P or even a D/s dynamic. It may not be what you do, but it is what I do. Neither is right, neither is wrong, but what is right for me is what is right for me and is what counts for Me.
I use them. Why?
Because they reinforce the dynamic. Does the dynamic always need reinforcing? No, not always I do not think it does, but there are times, when it is important that everyone within that dynamic are reminded of their place, and that a punishment is a concrete consequence for any transgression or “offence” or a break in the rules.
They act for the sub as a penance, they take their punishment, and know that the matter is closed. There is nothing worse than a sub having done something wrong going over and over it in their minds, worrying about what it is that they have done, that they have wronged the Dominant. Yes they have done something wrong . . .punishment and its over, it gives them closure. And, I do not want a whining sub who is moping around because they know they have done something wrong. I want them to realise they have, accept the punishment and then simply to not do it again. This goes back again to the fact of I don’t do “funishment”.
I don’t use punishment to make him obey.
I don’t believe punishments within my relationships can work in that way. If someone obeys simply to avoid punishment or in fact actually has a need for punishment to make him feel submissive enough to obey, then the motivation for submitting is for me, not the right one. It is then external and not an internal need and I do not believe that is manageable, sustainable within a D/s dynamic.
It may be ok for some.
It isn’t for me. It’s not what I want.
Because that approach to a D/s dynamic creates a whole bunch of work for the Dominant. I then end up serving his needs, and coming up with ways to keep him motivated to serve. It is not in any way selfless serving, it is self gratification, there to meet his needs and desires. The desire to obey should be because “it makes my Dominant happy”, if he isn’t doing it for that reason, if there are other motivations behind his serving, then it doesn’t work for me.
I want my sub, my boy to have a desire to selflessly serve, that his actions, his wants, his desires are to make ME happy and to accept any punishment that may come his way if on a rare occasion he fails.
There is the punishment in “play”, and that is completely separate and different to this type of punishment I am talking about here.
I don’t actually like having to give punishments. Why?
Because it means he has failed at something. It means he has done something wrong. I don’t like to see my boy fail. I don’t like to see my boy get it wrong. I also know the feelings that come to someone when they do get it wrong, that intense sense and feelings of dread knowing that you have displeased is often far worse than the punishment the sub may receive anyway. I want him always to be positive in his serving. I want him to succeed and be the best that he can. I want my boy to do well, because in his doing well it makes me happy, it makes him happy . . .it makes us both happy.
I so strongly believe that if all is working as it should, if things are as they should be, that my boy would feel so bad at failing, that he would feel so strongly that he had displeased that, that is enough in itself to be a deterrent. It isn’t the punishment itself that is the deterrent. But, in saying that, I will, as mentioned above, for the reasons above, punish, mainly to bring the matter to a close, so that he has his penance, he has his closure. I do not want my boy to beat himself up about what he has done and why, I want him to realise it, I want him to atone for it, and I want it left in that moment at the time of punishment. It is over, it is done and it is finished.
I would and do get despondent if a sub fails at a few things in a row, but it also means that something is not quite right and that in turn comes back to what I wrote above, about the motivation of the submissive, are they doing things wrong to get a punishment? If they are, there isn’t anywhere to go from there for me. I don’t respond to such and I don’t need such a motivation within a D/s relationship.
I want my boys motivation to be about pleasing me, because he wants to selflessly serve and to please, NOT because I am there to serve his needs by punishing him.
As such, punishments should be mundane, tedious, boring. I don’t make punishments that are fun for me because I would not want my boy to see the pleasure he may get from seeing me being pleased with the punishment he is on the receiving end of . . . because then . . . he is getting enjoyment and that is NOT what it is about. It defeats the whole purpose of the punishment. It isn’t about pleasure. Giving punishments isn’t pleasurable. But I use them, I think there is a place for them and they work for me. End of.
So, when the boy said last night “I will take my punishment”, being told to hump a pillow instead of being allowed to masturbate and edge through touch wasn’t a punishment. It was simply . . .ultimately I didn’t want him to touch yet knew how desperate he was to edge, to be able to touch. It was like giving with one hand and taking with the other . . .
Permission to edge . . .but not to touch.
I wanted to see his frustration, I wanted to sense his feelings and reactions. I knew he would be pissed off. I knew he would even feel angry at not being allowed to do what he wanted. I did it because I could and because I wanted to. I did it because I knew he would feel frustrated and may even wish he had said "no" when I asked him if he was sure. I wanted him to realise that saying yes doesn't mean he will get exactly what he wants, but that he will get . . .that he will do what I want.
I knew he was pissed off with me. I don't care. I knew he was frustated. I don't care. I knew how much he wanted to touch himself and how I took that away from him. It wasn't a punishment. It was because I wanted to. I still find it amusing that he thought it was a punishment, amusing he was frustrated and pissed off. Amused that he felt humiliated at humping a pillow. Had I been there I would have laughed even more at him.
But, this wasn't a punishment.
This isn't or wasn't about him.
Because after all, itt isn't about him.