07 January 2011
Life is a journey . . .
Life is a journey indeed. . .
The road we travel can never be straight forward, it can never be one which goes forward without having its bumps, sharp corners, without having to change direction, take forks in the road or without coming to a STOP! sign that needs time out for reflection.
The journey with the boy is new.
And I didn't really expect at such an early stage that the journey would at this point in time be reaching a bump in the road, would be reaching a potential fork or indeed more so, a STOP! sign.
But recent days on the journey, hasn't made for a particular smooth or easy journey.
At times, frustratingly so, it was as if there has been a red traffic light, and that the boy has got caught up somewhere along the road and hasn't yet caught up. And, with everything going on, I know that I have left it a little too long to take action.
Something that will not happen from this point on!
Actually, its been rather difficult to describe the past few days. Some of this is new territory to us both ~ "distance" isn't something that I normally would do. But, having been drawn to the boy, to his natural submissive depths, it was something that I decided I would work with because of the hope and potential for what the future may bring.
And it is going to make the journey harder yes. But, the things that we want in life is never easy.
But, our journey, did reach the point of needing a STOP! sign.
Time out for reflection and open discussion.
Time to see whether the other side of the stop sign has a single road, or a fork in the road.
In all honesty, there have been times during the past couple of days, where the boys behaviour and what has at times seemed like a total disregard for the control that I have has been to say, rather disappointing.
The boy has been in chastity for some 70 days, 50 days without an orgasm. Yes it is a milestone, and I am incredibly pleased with the boy in how he has not only coped with such denial, but just how well he has done with the levels of frustration.
But, it seems that in some ways, the extended chastity, seems to have had a negative effect, that it has taken the boys focus from selflessly serving, to being a right pain in the ass and focussed only on his own selfish wants to have release. He knows that I am dismissive of his frustrations. I do not care whether he has been denied 1 day, 1 month or more. But, upon reflection, I can see that such extended chastity has not had the required desire or outcome.
Now I know distance plays a part in that. There are other factors too. It means that things have to change and I have to implement these changes. It means that we have to reflect, and to be very aware at the point where the boy becomes so focussed on serving because of his desperation for release turns into ugly attempts at trying to do anything for his own self and pleasure, for the release he wants.
There is a point the boy has reached where the extended denial has changed the boy from a boy focussed on wanting to please, serve and pleasure his Mistress, to being an ugly, self serving, self focussed sub, who has constantly mentioned about his want, his desire to touch.
I know he is frustrated. I don't care. What I do care about is when something which is being implemented to focus the boy, focusses him in the wrong way.
This past week has been a lesson in that for me, and something that I will certainly take forward. Life is certainly a journey, one upon which we all continually learn. But in my opinion, and as this is my blog I can give my opinion, learning is always positive, even if the learning comes from a negative situation.
But, I will be honest and say that his behaviour has really disappointed me. It isn't acceptable and that had to be made perfectly clear to the boy.
Any dynamic or relationship where a "distance" is involved, causes issues and problems of its own. I get that.
I am quite aware of that.
But it has during recent days really seemed as if all of the things that the boy and I have discussed, the rules that have been in place have been somewhat ignored. The boy notices and says "Oh I have forgotten to do that", and yes he has. But, it has been frustrating that the boy has been noticing it more AFTER the event, than at the time, or indeed before it. The boys focus it seems has drifted.
It is up to me, to make sure that focus is where it should be. And if it drifts, to ensure that it doesn't drift far or that the boy is made to refocus through whatever means necessary.
Now at the moment, that focus cannot be forcing the boy down between my legs for extended worship, or to have him on his knees attending my feet. That is unfortunate. But, we have to work with the situation we are in and make it work.
The boy and I, had a long conversation last night, I asked him if submitting to such a level that our road will take us, is ultimately what he wants. I have neither the time, the desire or the inclination to make any journey with someone who doesn't or isn't on the same road that I am on and I would rather that when we get to a fork in the road that if someone feels they need to take the opposite one than I am taking, then that is what they should do.
It appears that the boy, has been struggling in some things, but what the boy has failed to do, is to be transparent with me in those struggles, and to express his concerns. Now this doesn't have anything to do with the fact that we do not communicate, we talk often and very openly. So it makes it even more frustrating when you realise that the boy has not been open, has not been transparent.
So, yesterday, we were at that STOP! sign.
A time to really take a look at where things are, and how things must change to progress in the right direction. Maybe it was a time for a fork in the road, and I asked the boy to ensure that he still wants to head in the same direction.
But there are things which will now be implemented to ensure that the boy is grasping the instructions in place, that he is fully aware of the rules and permissions that are currently part of the dynamic and which will continue to grow. I have to some extent, been somewhat lenient at times, knowing that this is so new to the boy.
But, that stops now.
That leniency is going to remain at the STOP! sign.
He thinks I am a Bitch already.
The boy has yet to see just how much of a Bitch I can be. He has yet to see just what this is for me. It isn't a game. I don't play games.
D/s, FLR, O&P all of the things that I want from a future relationship are MY reality. Things that I need and want.
I don't settle.
I don't do second best.
But, I am prepared to put in all the effort and time that I can, to ensure that the boy is on the same path, the same journey.
We will be going back a few steps, introduction of rules and permissions and we will make sure the boy grasps what he is doing, if he doesn't, then he will be on the receiving end of punishments. Of course again, something which "distance" plays a part in. Although, the boy, realised last night, that distance doesn't stop punishment. That it doesn't stop being made to feel humiliated. That it doesn't stop me letting the boy know exactly how things are.
I have asked the boy to consider the implementation of a contract with rules, it works for some, it doesn't for others. I think that contracts have a very big part to play in relationships of D/s, even in FLRs.
And as this blogs title "She makes the rules". If it is the right way to go for us, then that is what will happen.
My way. My rules.
Distance does mean that things need to be worked at more. I am very aware of that. I am also aware of the boys continual growing "addiction" as he refers to it as (or is it obsession?!) and his neediness too. So, there are things that need to be put in place. The boy expressed that he feels my ownership of him all of the time, which, with distance involved is at least one positive. If he can feel that even from a distance, if he can feel that he is mine, then, hopefully the rest will start falling into place.
But, the past week or so, has been tiring.
As someone said, it is the job of the sub to make their Dominants life easier and if it isn't, then something is wrong. It hasn't been easier for me. Hence the STOP! sign.
It was that thought that stuck in my mind yesterday which led to the boy being very aware of my disappointment, of my being unhappy with the situation. Which led to really the boys very first punishment.
But, we have spoken, we are aware of the things that we are going to do, things that are going to be put in place, and I also witnessed last night, how close the boy came to calling me a Bitch when I made him suffer a little bit more! *evil grin*
Time will show the boy, just how much more he has to come his way.
So, no journey is without its bumps, its turns or its corners.
But, the STOP! sign, is the times to reflect and be open and honest about the way forward and at these times to know whether there is a straight single road on the other side of it, or a fork in the road in different directions.
The other side of this STOP! sign for us at this time is a single road.
I hope it will continue to be that way.
Life is a journey . . .not the destination.
But, lets hope the boy gets his ass into gear for the next part of the journey, otherwise it will be more than my cock burning! It will be more than his own piss he will be drinking.
Need I say more.