26 January 2011

But you don't get that do you?

Sometimes it is not easy hearing from someone from the past. 

No matter how good things were. Or even if things weren't good.  Hearing things that you didn't hear back then, you really don't want to hear them now.

Not now. Not some 15 years later. 

It doesn't change anything. It doesn't make what happened any easier.  It just brings things to the surface that don't need to be there, that I do NOT want there.

I don't want to hear how different things could have been.  They weren't different.  They didn't change. That is exactly why it was over so long ago. 

Not even the passing of years can change that. 

But the passing of years has changed me. Not so much changed me. I don't mean that.  I have always tried to be true to myself, to who I was, to who I am.  But the passing of the years has enabled me to find an understanding of myself, to know what it is that I want or need and how to get it.  It has enabled me to know what I want or need from life, from my relationships, and how to really be the person that I am. 

But you don't get that do you?

The passing of time has enabled me to see why things were as they were, why they didn't work. It has enabled me to know that what we had, was never, nor would it have ever been enough.  It enabled me to see that I wasn't truly the person that I am, that I was restricted by the bounds of the relationship we had.  That the life you had envisaged, would never have been the life I ever truly wanted. 

It is why, things ended the way they did, when they did.

But you just don't get that do you?

You wouldn't understand just how much I have grown, that I am not the same person that you met when I was 18.  Yes, we shared "kink", we shared many other things, happiness, good times, painful times and loss.  But, you wouldn't understand the rest, we didn't share the things that I have ultimately come to know that is a part of me and my needs.

There is no way on this earth that you would ever be able to grasp an FLR, let alone be within one.  Even the mentioning of the dynamic would have you running from the hills.  You wouldn't be able to grasp who I am, you wouldn't be able to accept that this is who I am.  You couldn't accept it back then, not really.  You struggled with my dominance even back then.

That is why, I let rip at your comment of "my woman", I was never "your woman".  I was many things. We were many things. But not that.

But you don't get that do you?

And I don't think you will ever be able to understand that the person I was then, the person who shared life with you for 7 years, isn't who I am, I was young, still growing, still learning, learning about me, what I wanted, needed.  And yes at the time I didn't envisage being where I am now, but I am. And I need it. And this is me.  But then, you didn't want me to be who I was, you didn't want me to find out, you didn't want me to grow.  You wanted to keep me like a bird with its wings clipped.

But you don't get that do you?

Love is never enough.  It wasn't then. It isn't now. It never will be. 

There is no way that you would be able to understand the sadistic part of me, the Dominant part of me, the real kinky side of me. 

And that's ok. I am not asking or wanting you to understand.  You wouldn't be able to understand the need I would have to hurt you, physically.  More than I did when we were together, in more extreme ways.

We hurt each other in other ways. Ways that hurt far more than anything physical.  You hurt me in a way, that no-one ever has. That no-one ever will again.

But you don't get that do you?

You just need to know that I am not who I was back then, and that the things that I lived with or tolerated back then, I don't now. 

For the years we were together, there were so many secrets.  I will not be your secret now. I will not be your anything now.  

We were.

That is it. 

But you don't get that do you!

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