There was something about that moment when, as I sat on the bed and you went to your knees before me, no pushing, no asking, just naturally kneeling there before me.
The was something about that moment as I looked you straight in the eye, as you lowered your gaze and gently whispered "I want to be yours".
There was something about that moment I gripped your hair in a tightening fist and bought your mouth to meet my own, kissing you, tasting you, biting your lip as I felt it swell with each bite, with each kiss, with every moment I devoured your mouth.
There was something about that moment - that moment as I removed the belt from your trousers. as my mind and body flooded with a multitude of feelings that I wanted to hurt you. That moment when you knew what my mind was thinking. When you knew what I wanted and yet it was far from what you wanted and yet, it was that moment that you offered yourself to me.
There was something about that moment when you looked at me and your words screamed "I trust you" that moment when your words so simple made a statement so big it not only took my breath away, it filled my heart with a sense of warmth and sent a longing soaring through my body straight to the depths of me.
There was something about that moment.
It's where it has all truly begun.
"In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those peple who rekindle the inner spirit" Albert Schweitzer
I am.
Thankful.
I am also excited.
The flame has been lit, but not only has it been lit, it is burning brightly, strongly. Quite unxpectedly.
I am thankful for the person who has rekindled MY inner spirit.
For not only has that spirit been rekindled but what was a few months ago a simple connection, a beginnings of a new friendship has been rekindled too.
I am thankful to feel all that it brings to me.
I hear his voice, his words.
I see his submissive need, his vulnerability and it draws me in, it fans the flames. I see his longing and I find myself drawn to wanting to hurt him. Not just physically, but in a way that I need - emotionally.
I find myself wanting to reach in to his heart, twisting it, turning it and then soothing away the hurt that my beast, my need has caused him. It has been a very very long time that someone has quite touched my beast in this way, has touched me in this way.
He has rekindled the inner spirit. He has awoken my beast.
The flames are burning. How they wil burn time will tell. How big the flames will grow we cannot tell the future. But, my inner spirit has been rekindled, it is burning, brightly.
And I am feeling so many things right now.
And for that, I am thankful!
I've been working on a seriously big project for over 4 weeks, although the past 4 weeks have seen working 90+ hour weeks, last weekend and into this week saw 3 days of no sleep.
I've literally been living and breathing this project - it's been my baby. And it has taken priority over a lot of things, not from choice, but because it has HAD to be that way. Thankfully those close to me have been totally accepting of that and their support and putting up with my no sleep for 3 day self has been absolutely appreciated.
We were due to launch on Tuesday following a soft launch the previous Friday.
Soft launch didn't happen due to tech issues, so we went straight into a hard launch, 5 hours later than planned on Tuesday.
Cue another night of no sleep as I worked through the night to resolve all of the issues that we'd have resolved before had we been able to soft launch.
But hey, it's done.
It's live.
And it's an amazing feeling being able to sit back and see the finished project (or at least the front end project).
The back end is a different story and issues way beyond my control has led to a few very frustrating days. I HATE it when there are things that go wrong that I have no control over. Oh let's be honest, I HATE not having control over things at least then if they go wrong, it's at my door.
The week has been frustrating.
But there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Some things have obviously stayed further back in that tunnel for whatever reason that is. I have no idea why, and I'm not sure if I really even want to know. If it was meant to be that they would be coming out of the tunnel this end too, then they would.
I don't subscribe to everything happens for a reason train of thought.
Things happen. End of really.
I have no wish or desire to disect why. Maybe that says enough.
But there's light at the end of my tunnel and more so, that light is shining brightly, and is filling life with hope, with excitement, with intrigue and in a work sense a wonderful sense of achievement that a project on something so new to me has been so well received.
And even though I am facing yet another further surgery in just over 4 weeks time, things are good.
It's all good!
Life is good!
My heart, my soul, my depth of me
longs for you.
This unchangeable reality of distance
agonized me.
To see, to touch, to embrace you
beckons me.
A yearning to know, to comprehend
who you are.
Though, through the woe of want and time,
I feel the passion of my Divine
saturate me.
I have discovered an illusion of
sorrow and joy.
Sorrow for the loss,
Joy for knowing why.
I've been MIA for 9 months. And how ironic that the last post I made was talking about life passing by in a blur!
It does.
It has.
I blogged back then That big changes were on the horizon. That I needed to make them.
And during the time I have been away, big changes HAVE happened.
The changes I talked about being needed, have happened. Some other changes too for that matter, but life is very different now, there's been ongoing changes for the better since last July. Huge. Positive. Changes.
There's also been some crap, some ongoing health issues which I'd been battling for a year. Throw in 4 surgeries due to complications in a very short period of time, time in and out of hospital with nothing to do but reflect when stuck in a hospital bed and things have changed.
But life still passes by in a blur.
And we quickly storm into a new year and yet already we are over a quarter of the way into it. And still the changes happen, still the continue to come into play. Some of them have been on the back burner, but one by one those changes are changing life, they come off the back burner and are put into place. Changes. Changing my life. And it's all for the better.
And. It's good to be back!
