Tumblr

I've been absent from tumblr for a long while, however I recently returned to it, to my own little corner of the tumblr world.

There are so many pictures that just create such beautiful visions, beautiful images, ones which beyond the typical porn and stereotypical Femdom images can really show such beauty in submission and in pain.

But for me, the beauty right now is in the words, there are some fabulous tumblr accounts where the words are just stunningly beautiful, words that touch, that seep into your soul.  There are words that people just have such a gift in sharing that when you read, they seem to reflect your thoughts, or how you feel in that moment. 

I led there for hours last night, not able to sleep, reading these beautiful words, some of them haunting, taunting, but some of them reflecting lots of the things that I'm feeling right now, words that reflect some recent things that have happened in life. 

Some people are blessed with a truly wonderful gift of being able to write, to express.  I am quite simply in awe at times of people who have that ability, of being able to touch someone with words, it's such an intimate thing to be able to do, it's a beautiful thing to be able to do.

I wish I shared that ability.  Words are a beautiful thing.

A gift of words

"Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and its thought has found its words" Robert Frost.

I love words! 

Reading them, writing them, hearing them, sharing them.  There is a beauty in how they can create such wonderful images, that they can create a vision that brings those words to life. 

I love them to flood the senses, touch the heart and trickle to the soul

I'm a word whore.

I can't get enough of them.

But, I had a truly wonderful present recently - a rather wonderful gift of words, something written, something sent to me, for me. 

A poem. 

And I loved it. 

And while I am not going to share it here, I just love how when you read something, as you see the words before you that they reach out, touch you, touch the heart, flood the mind.

And it was that and more. A whole lot more!

And I love it. 

The gift, the words, the gift of those words and that someone has such a wonderful gift and shared that gift with me is something quite lovely and it plunges in and warms the heart.  There is something quite special, that someone takes that time, that thought to send such a wonderful present. 

I've been touched by words, and in several ways recently, left lost for words of my own in response (quite a rare thing for me yanno?) but, sometimes it does happen. 

But that's the beauty of words.

And I love them. 

Wasting words

Sometimes I think we waste our words. 

And sometimes I think we waste our moments and sometimes we don't take the time, the chance or the opportunity to say the things that are in our hearts when we have the chance.

I took some opportunities in the past few days to try to not waste moments or opportunities. 

After lots of deliberation, after lots of "should I?" or "shouldn't I?"

I did.  

I have.

The words may be wasted, it may be that they don't mean anything at all to who they've been shared with, they may be wasted in that they may be ignored, but the opportunity wasn't wasted. I didn't waste the moment.

While I can hope that the words aren't wasted, it will be as it will be.

It is as it is.

It is only something time will tell and it's now out of my hands.

I'm determined not to waste words, not to waste moments, but more so I'm determined to give the time, my time to things, to situations, but more so (and especially so) to people that matter to me, and to say the words that are in my heart.

Out of the comfort zone...

I've never been much of a "scene" person. 

Munches hold little interest for me or to me. 

Clubs - I haven't really found them to be my "thing" either, I've been to a couple in the dim and distant past, but certainly as a "bystander" rather than a participant.

And I know that is just how it was then . . .but who is to say it is that way now?

I wanted to go to a rope workshop this week, but with everything else that happened last week I couldn't quite bring myself to go, even though I've always had a lurking interest in learning how to fling string.  I feel disappointed that I didn't just put myself there regardless of how I was feeling about going.

I would say that I'm more introvert than extrovert, I'm comfortable in that way and that works for me, I don't particularly care what people think of that, it's just how it is.  But life can pass by.  And I think that is how I am feeling right now.

Some recent events have made me really question myself, where I am, but more so what it is that I ultimately want and need from life.

This past week or so has really made me start evaluating, reflecting, and while it's also closed the heart off considerably, while it's put a wariness of trusting back in the forefront, it's also made me take a step back, reflect and see what I'm missing out on but also what I can do to change that.  Ultimately though, that can only come from one person - me! 

A short space of time has passed but various events within it has made me feel so much anger towards myself and the trust I'd put out there, it's made me feel all sorts of things that I really wish I didn't feel.  Other events have made me realise that life can be incredibly short, and that the loss of my friend as I wrote *here* has made me determined to make some more positive changes, to take some positive steps and that is what I am intending to do.

I'm going to step out of my comfort zone that is often far too comfortable for our own good, I'm going to step out of that zone and experience things that I may not have done before.  New things, different things, and yes I know that some things may make me feel uncomfortable, but as they say great things never come from comfort zones.

it's time to step out there, and it's time for some great things!  I'm going to venture to some clubs, I'm going to venture to some workshops.  I've got some great friends who share this lifestyle, it's time to reconnect until I hopefully am able to truly connect in the way that I want to - with one.

Give me some pain!

It's been a difficult week. 

Emotionally draining. 

Emotionally confusing.

Emotionally difficult.

Different feelings, and different reasons, different causes. Some things I've not yet processed, some things that I'm not ready to put out there and there's a mixture of loss, sadness but also hurt, disappointment right through to anger.

I re-joined the gym this week after over 20 months away due to the various surgeries etc I've faced but early this morning I hit the gym today for a high intensity spin class, there was nothing about easing back into an activity gently, there was no taking it easy. 

Instead I pushed myself in a way I've not done for a long time, I wanted to find a release for the emotions that are all whirling their way around inside and wanted to feel something physical.   I needed a release of endorphins that could just bring some relief to the feelings that I've had.

I needed something to clear the mind.  I needed to push myself so hard in that class that I didn't know how I'd actually walk out of it at the end.

And that's exactly what I did do.

And now, several hours later the muscles in my body ache, they're tired and beyond sore, and it's a relief to have a physical ache instead of an emotional one draining the body.  It's a relief that my mind is feeling that physical pain, that physical ache and soreness.  It gives the mind a break, it gives the heart a break, it gives me a break.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't a person that felt so deeply, that wasn't so emotionally driven, things would be a whole lot easier at times.

A life is stilled.

No matter what anyone says that someone shouldn't feel guilt, it doesn't stop the feelings of guilt when you learn someone has attempted to take their own life.

Not only attempted, but succeeded.

I recognise that someone's decision isn't my fault.  I recognise that there have been no warning signs and that just as many others didn't, I didn't have any idea either. 

But, my goodness, when I was speaking with them in the very late hours of the night and into the early depths of yesterday morning. I quite simply had no idea, there was no inkling of their feelings, their intentions.  There was no suggestion that in a matter of less than 24 hours they'd be gone.

How could I not see it?  How could I not have known?  How could I not have heard the things that they didn't say?

We spoke of so many things, and yet, it would appear that so many things were left unspoken. 

Why didn't I see it? Hear it? Feel it? Why couldn't they share?

My mind is haunted by words that were never uttered, haunted by thoughts of could I have done more.  I have a deep sense of guilt deep within my heart.  My heart aches for them, that they were left feeling in life, that nothing was actually worth staying for, and right now, I am angry at myself for the fact that I didn't see it, didn't hear those feelings and didn't see what was going to happen a few hours later.

My mind has played over the conversation over and over again, looking for clues, did I miss an outstretched hand that they wanted me to take?  And yet, no matter how many times I play it over.  There is nothing. Nothing which could have suggested that they had reached the end.

I feel as if I've let them down in some monumental way.  I feel as if I've failed them, but also, so very sad that they were left in a place where nothing else was an option. 

Did I fail in being the friend to them that they needed?  Even though I was the person they reached out to, just as they've done before.  And yet still I didn't know, I didn't see it, I didn't feel it.  They didn't show it.

We talked, we even laughed, sometimes through tears, but we laughed.  How could I not have known?  How could I fail them so very badly?

And I have. 

I know this was their choice, THEIR decision because they couldn't cope with where life is, the things that are happening.  My rational mind even tells me it's not a reflection on me.  But, it does feel that way, somehow.

Why does it feel as if I've failed them?

Because it does feel that way and more.

I've lost a lot of people from life, my Mum, my brother, my grandparents, a cousin my age, a close friend.  I've even lost an uncle to suicide, and each of those losses carry their own feelings, they bring their own types of grief and pain.

But right now . . ?  Right now guilt and sadness and pain and loss and a deep sense of failure flows through me right now.  A sense of failure but more so, the heart-breaking realisation that they couldn't reach out enough, that they couldn't find the words.  Or was it us not hearing?

Oh how I wish I knew.

I feel anger towards myself that I didn't see it. Anger and guilt and pain and loss.  And a deep sadness that a life has ended in this way, that someone was filled with so much pain, filled with so much sadness, so much heartache that for them, there was no other option.

Did they feel as if they were not cared about? 

So many people showed them this wasn't the case, maybe they couldn't see it, or maybe we failed in showing it enough. 

Did we really fail?  Did we really let them down? 

Or was it just me.

The day is dark and my heart aches right now.

To my Friend

May you find the peace within your
heart that you were

not able to find here.

I hope your anguish
will now forever cease

And that your deep anxieties
will be replaced by endless peace.

I love you. Always.
Kat

What was, now isn't and what never will be.

There are, some days throughout the year that I really think we could do without.

Mothers Day is one of them.

There are so many people who struggle with such a day, those who have lost their mothers or those who have never really known them, those who cannot be mothers themselves, those who have tried to become a Mum and  cannot, or have tried and have lost, those who have had children and have suffered the heart-breaking loss.

It brings a whole host of emotions and pain, sadness and anger to the surface, a time when people silently struggle with what this day is and their own conflicted feelings.

For me, it is a harsh reminder of the void that exists since my Mum passed away, it is a sad reminder that it was this time of year that we received the news that her illness was terminal and there was literally nothing they could do.  We didn't have a great relationship when I was growing up during my teen years, mainly following the separation of my parents, but from my late teens after the death of my much younger brother, we developed a relationship that blossomed.  In adulthood she was a rock, she was a great support and more than that, she was my best friend.  And even now, many years later, not a day goes past without my missing the fact I cannot pick up the phone to talk to her, to share news, to catch up.  I miss her.

I may have grieved, but her loss is still so deeply felt and this day doesn't stop the feelings returning, the sense of loss and the void that exists without her being here. The memories of her suffering and how much life changed after she'd gone. 

This day, is a harsh reminder that I was there with her, holding her hand as she took her last breath from this world, but it is also a reminder that I was there when someone so tiny was coming into this world, . . .into my world and yet never got to take a breath. 

This day is tinged with a sense of sadness and loss, a stark reminder of what was once there and is no longer and a harsh reminder of what could have been (however long ago it may have been) and yet, never will be.

And yet, there is something quite wonderful - I am a Mum. 

I am blessed by the wonderful son that I have and this is something I treasure so deeply.  He makes me proud every single day as I watch him grow into the wonderful young man that he is.  I am forever thankful and blessed that in being his Mum I have been able to learn what real love truly is. 

And for that reminder, I am thankful.

I am blessed and I know I am deeply lucky and yet the other feelings that sometimes creep (and which sometimes come full force like a fucking tsunami) to the surface on a day like today, tinges the most wonderful with sadness, with a sense of loss.

Such dissonant feelings that get pushed to the surface for one day. 

A reminder of what was and now isn't; a reminder of the potential but what will never be; but also a reminder of the wonderful for which I will always be thankful.

Tears of remembrance

Tears of remembrance

roll streaks of blackness

down her face.

Smearing the memories and

pain onto a

canvas of pale skin.

A hand, a tissue, cannot wipe 

away the sadness or

memories that engulf.

She looks at the page before her,

no words of

sentimentality just a

reality of pain and sadness.

A silent tear freefalls

onto the journal notebook

that sits before her,

the place where she writes her

innermost thoughts

and depths and feelings.

A silent tear that smudges

the beautiful words she

has written.

Blurring them into 

streaks of

blackness which match the

canvas of her skin.

Tears of remembrance.

Of sadness.

Of loss.

As she searches for

words of harmony and

beauty,

of warmth,

of love.

Passing the keys . . .

Chastity, something that I've always been drawn to. 

I've blogged about it quite often, including THIS entry where I wrote about what's in it for the lady. 

That blog post talks at length about what it is I love, what I get out of keeping someone locked and denied, and let's face it, I get a WHOLE lot out of it.  And yet, right now, I'm getting other things from it that are quite new, quite different.

It is something that has played a part in the past in varying degrees.  But there have always been similar aspects of it that have run through the "act", familiar thoughts, familiar feelings.  I know how it feeds my "beast", I know how it feeds my desire and need for control.  And really, there hasn't really been anything that has felt quite different for me. 

Until now. 

There are a whole host of things which are contrasting for and with me right now.  And this is different too.  I had lots of time to reflect on this as I drove home today, thoughts going to what is different, why it feels different.

And I LOVE the fact that it is.

I LOVE the fact that there are things that are new and fresh and it's like seeing things which I've always enjoyed, always loved or felt drawn to through different eyes, with different thoughts and feelings.

And yes, the feelings are important - chastity, is still very much, as indeed everything is for me, emotionally driven. 

I have no desire to deny someone if it is emotionally lacking. 

It is this with everything, without that emotion, without those feelings, everything is just empty, I don't want empty, I want those feelings that emotionally drive.  I want things filled with a depth of feeling, that overwhelming sense of emotion that drives so much of the things that we may do. 

The things that I do. 

And while it may be quite soon, today, I have the keys . . . and sometimes . . .just sometimes for however much I may think, or reflect or write, sometimes the right words, just cannot be found. 

But, regardless of how soon, regardless of how early, there is still emotions driving right now.  I haven't quite processed all of the thoughts and feelings that I may have about it all right now . . .but there are emotions driving.

And, they, the keys . . . are here with me.  :-D

While he is locked up (first pic) I have the keys on a necklace around my neck (second pic).

It isn't a small thing.

Someone choosing to give up this part of them to ultimately be controlled by another.  I am not indifferent to just how hard it is to be denied, to give that up.  I am quite aware that it's not an easy thing but I am quite aware of how it also makes me feel.

It's a big step. 

Both for him as he gives that up and indeed for me in terms of having control of that.  It's a big step, but a rather delicious and wonderful one and while I haven't quite processed the new feelings I have, he may have the device to remind him, something serving as a physical reminder if we are not together (along with the lack of physical release of course), but I have something physical to remind me too. 

And that . . .that is rather quite fabulous!


*originally written Thursday March 23rd*

And I hate it

There are moments, moments like this, like today, where there's a black cloud filling the day.  The sky outside may be clear and blue, the sun maybe shining, but here inside my head, over me, surrounding me is a big black cloud of fucking horrible funk.

And I hate it.

And I can't shake it.

I know it's a whole host of reasons, the arrival of Mothers Day which brings a whole host of feelings to me.  Throw in two nights of terrible insomnia, and the wonderful feelings of spending a matter of hours with someone followed by the drop and reality that it won't be for a while.   

And it all brings about a cacophony of emotions and feelings that feel like a stormy sea bashing at the sea defences. My defences.  I feel storm battered.

And I hate it.

And I want to turn the clock back to how I felt in the early hours of Thursday morning, the moment where I had an arm draped across my chest, a head sleeping on my shoulder, the weight of which weighed heavily but just brought about a sense of closeness in the darkness of the night that even when sleep eluded me I was filled with such a sweet and wonderful feeling.  And that seems so far away from where I am right now.

And I hate it.

I didn't sleep well last night. 

Neither did I the night before.  Instead the past two nights have been filled with a whole host of difficult feelings, painful reflections, I've had memories flood back in of the moment that people have literally drifted out of life, my witnessing their taking their last breath.  Haunted by the recollection of the time I almost drowned, I led there feeling just as I did at that moment, the way it felt as the water slowly filled my lungs as I saw life, my own life slowly ebb away.  I've had recollections of times in my life where it's been filled with such a sense of deep loss.

I feel haunted by the sense of loss, emptiness and sadness.  I feel like I'm drowning under a big black cloud.

And I hate it. 

And I'm trying to find the rays of light coming through the cloud and yet I am filled with a sense of foreboding, a sense of fear, as if something is going to go tearing through life and rip something else away from my heart. 

Right now, my heart feels vulnerable.  *I* feel vulnerable and quite alone. (A very rare thing for me to feel!)

And I hate it. 

Not the feeling of my own vulnerability, so much as that of my heart.  There is a beauty and a strength and a power in being vulnerable, of opening yourself up to someone and being vulnerable with them, to them, to the feelings you have.  But this heaviness, this darkness, this sense of emptiness that is enshrouding right now is quite overwhelming. 

And I hate it.

And my goodness, I'd give anything right now to transport me back to those early hours of Thursday morning, for that sense of warmth and closeness and just "being" in that moment. The closeness of skin, the closeness of feeling and watching him sleep, watching him breath, but just feeling. That moment.

But, the reality? Is that I'm as far away from that moment as I possibly could be.

Instead, I'm drifting into the darkness of a storm, the depths of funk that have come out of nowhere.  I feel as if I'm in a "drop", I feel disconnected in a way I don't want to be disconnected and yet, I can't disconnect from these horrible feelings.

And I fucking hate it!

Screw poetry!

"Screw poetry, it's you I want, your taste, rain on you, mouth on your skin."
Margaret Atwood

There are no poetic words waiting to spill all over the page.  There is no melodious soliloquy or discourse. 

There is no painting of aimless silhouette's on a naked canvas depicting an artistic longing.

Instead there is just the carnal and lascivious desires that are burning, that are longing, that are screaming for attention.  There is the ravenous hunger for sensual touch, your touch. 

Your fingers, your hands, your mouth over me, upon me, in me.

There is the rousing desires, of wants and needs. 

Screw the words, screw the poetry, screw the art upon bare canvas. 

Instead  I want you. 

Your hands, your mouth, your body touching mine.  Instead I want to touch you, to kiss you, to bite you and hurt you.  I want to breath you in, taste you, hold you.

There is no need for epodic rhyme. 

There is just a need for a moment.  A moment with you, with a mellifluous symphony of desirous worship.

This is life

The water, gently moving,

evolving dreams from those who look in it,

creating hope, renewing faith.

I see a new me emerging, with all new perspectives,

a sudden energy for life,

a longing to never change again...

But beneath the crystal water there lies a problem.

Will I escape?

The current now getting stronger,

I sway back and forth, trying to stay on top.

The movements become faster,

I'm drowning in my own feelings.

In an attempt to escape, I realise that

THIS IS LIFE.

And the water gently moves again...

Regaining my control...

There is something about the early hours of the morning, or is it the late hours of the night that brings about a time of thought, of reflection that other times of day do not seem to. 

As an insomniac, I see this time of night on a far too regular basis, and when the night is dark, when there is no sound, it can seem, for some an almost lonely time.  And yet, I am so used to this time, this space, these moments of stillness it often brings a sense of calm.  For me it is a time when the mind often floods with thoughts, with memories, as it recalls, as it reflects, as it tries to find an understanding of things that may be happening.

I've paced the house on a couple of occasions this week, watched the dark of the night gently fade into the light of a new day, a night which has passed without sleep, but certainly not without thought. 

I sometimes wish there was an off switch to the mind, to my mind.  I often wish that there was something, anything which would just switch off the noise in my own head, stop the agitated thoughts that flood the mind, helping to ease some of tumultuous introspection. 

And yet, it is often at this time of night when I can and do find a level of understanding of myself, my thoughts, the feelings I may have, but this has alluded me this week also.  As I take the time in the dark and quiet, to simply be. To simply feel.  To simply sit in the feelings and thoughts that I have to seek a level of understanding and clarity.  And it is often, at this time, that I reach here . . .my blog . . .my place where I can literally work through and find an understanding of where I am. 

(So . . .here I am . . . )

A lot of the noise this week has been work related, one of the downsides of being self employed when things aren't going as well as they should or were, when things are up in the air it can bring along a level of stress as you simply have to try and work things out, begin to make plans, try to step back from the situation that has brought this stress to the surface. 

It was hard stepping back for me this past week, situations left a level of anger that I've not felt for a long time, and still some of it lurks now (although the situation is almost resolved). 

But more so I don't like how this has had an effect on other things this week too.

And then of course, my mind is flooded with thoughts of something, of someone who has come into life like a damn whirlwind

:-D  (a rather wonderful one mind!) making the solid foundation gently rock and sway. 

It has been a long time since someone has filled my thoughts in this way, it's been a long time since I have physically found myself missing someone, of finding myself wanting to be with them, to spend time with them, to just be close.  It's been a long time since I've found myself drawn to someone, of wanting to learn about them, to get to know them to their very depths.  It's been a long time since there has been any other focus apart from my son and my work! So, it's all very different.  But all very good!

And I am here, trying to find an understanding of what is so very different, of what it is that my head? My Heart? Both? is not yet able to get an understanding of.  

The understanding alludes me right now. 

So I am here, delving and exploring, the thoughts in my mind, of where I am, after all I can always rely on a good writing session to help me find a clarity.

I love how things are so very different. 

I do not feel as if I've taken these steps before.  I do not feel as if I've walked down this path before and that for me is a wonderful thing. 

Truly.

But then, when things are so very different, it takes getting used to, you (*I*) have to find a steady footing, and then it's all happening at lightning speed and that's different too and that on it's own makes some things a little harder to comprehend...

And yet....

And yet, things do not seem too quick (in fact, my desires, my hopes, my thoughts are even further ahead than we actually are)!

But, simply put, I can't quite put my finger on the word that I need, of the word that would describe how it is, how I'm feeling.  I have so many thoughts and words flying around in my head, it as if they are all shouting at me, screaming at me to take notice and I can't quite hear.  Some of the words seem so negative though and there's not a negative thing about this in the slightest. (apart from the fact that it is the depths of the night and I am sat here alone  - wishing I wasn't - trying to find a clarity, trying to find words)

Unsettled? 

No.  As that would suggest an unease or that there was a worry sitting behind these feelings, of what is happening.  And I don't feel worry or unease.

It would suggest lacking stability and that isn't right either.

Agitated?  No. 

Flustered?  No. 

Perturbed, shaken, upset?  No. None of these. 

Not in the slightest.

Perhaps it is  (I am) unsettled in relation to change, change in life, change in thoughts, change in focus, change in where I am and where I want, (hope or desire to be).  Perhaps it is because life is changing, (has already changed) in a most surprising way and because I want it to change in many, many more ways.

Yes.  Perhaps that is it. 

Or perhaps it's just I wasn't expecting the unexpected and right now, I'm not in control of just how I am feeling?

Hmmmm..... (here comes the hitting the nail on the head . . .)

Yes.

Perhaps that is exactly it. 

A shift in the control I have of my own thoughts, of my own feelings, because of something so wonderfully unexpected. 

But, it isn't that I am unsettled, or that things are unsettling me, it's because I'm flooded with a whole new load of thoughts, and feelings and desires and longings and I wasn't expecting it.  I've been open to it, but it hasn't happened. 

Until now. 

And that's it. 

I'm at a point where currently I am not in control of where I am, of how I am feeling, of what I am thinking and I need to take that back, I need to find that balance, I need to be back in control of "me", in control of the thoughts, and finding the balance that feeds me and for the steps going forward.

And because I thought that the understanding of it all was alluding me, I felt unsettled and it is not that way at all.  I've actually been a little out of control of my own thoughts, my own feelings, of my own brain

Because after all, I think I've said it before . . . it's all about control.  ;-)