Mothers Day is one of them.
There are so many people who struggle with such a day, those who have lost their mothers or those who have never really known them, those who cannot be mothers themselves, those who have tried to become a Mum and cannot, or have tried and have lost, those who have had children and have suffered the heart-breaking loss.
It brings a whole host of emotions and pain, sadness and anger to the surface, a time when people silently struggle with what this day is and their own conflicted feelings.
I may have grieved, but her loss is still so deeply felt and this day doesn't stop the feelings returning, the sense of loss and the void that exists without her being here. The memories of her suffering and how much life changed after she'd gone.
This day, is a harsh reminder that I was there with her, holding her hand as she took her last breath from this world, but it is also a reminder that I was there when someone so tiny was coming into this world, . . .into my world and yet never got to take a breath.
This day is tinged with a sense of sadness and loss, a stark reminder of what was once there and is no longer and a harsh reminder of what could have been (however long ago it may have been) and yet, never will be.
And yet, there is something quite wonderful - I am a Mum.
I am blessed by the wonderful son that I have and this is something I treasure so deeply. He makes me proud every single day as I watch him grow into the wonderful young man that he is. I am forever thankful and blessed that in being his Mum I have been able to learn what real love truly is.
And for that reminder, I am thankful.
I am blessed and I know I am deeply lucky and yet the other feelings that sometimes creep (and which sometimes come full force like a fucking tsunami) to the surface on a day like today, tinges the most wonderful with sadness, with a sense of loss.
Such dissonant feelings that get pushed to the surface for one day.
A reminder of what was and now isn't; a reminder of the potential but what will never be; but also a reminder of the wonderful for which I will always be thankful.