07 June 2019

Stepping out

So dinner was lovely. 

An unassuming evening, no expectations (therefore no disappointments), a chance to relax over some great food, a chance to chat freely and openly.

There is something about being able to be open about who you are, the needs that you have, the lifestyle that you follow, without judgement, without fearing that someone may not understand, with someone who actually gets "it". 

And even though that person may be submissive to your dominant, there is still a level of understanding of the whole dynamic and you don't feel weird that you have a particular kink or fetish because you know that even if it's not the others kink, there is more often a non judgemental acceptance.  Not that I feel weird about my own kinks, fetishes or needs.  I've accepted them and who I am a long time ago, but still I know that not everyone is at that same place.

Even without the expectations, even without any "role" in place, even without a dynamic, there was still very much a natural way of being.  And natural because neither of us had be anything other than who we are, and that is another great thing, the chance to be who you are. 

He was nervous, a little shy, he blushed (lots - perfect!) and there is something about that open display of vulnerability in some ways which is decidedly sweet, the way his cheeks would flush and he'd lower his eyes, the way he would smile when I would say to him that there was no need for him to be embarrassed for what he shared, felt or spoke of.  

For me, I so enjoy the battle that this reflects, the slight embarrassment, the emotional feelings that are created inside one when they are blushing, an opening of thoughts and feelings and yet, the emotional battle of that too.  As an emotional sadist, I like the fact that there's a little bit of an uncomfortable feeling, that there's a battle going on. 

He arrived with a most beautiful bunch of flowers, having already known what was in there included not only some of my favourite flowers, but done in a bouquet of my favourite colours.  His effort and careful thought certainly didn't go unnoticed and when I commented on it and thanked him, he blushed a little bit but his face lit up as a beaming smile crept across his face.  It is such simple things such as this, which are in their own way quite special. That someone shows that interest, retains little snippets of information and genuinely does things to place a smile on another's face is heart-warming.

It wasn't that he had bought me flowers that was totally responsible for the smile on my face (although it did make me smile as it's been such a long time since anyone has bought me flowers apart from the mini man on birthdays and Mothers Day), but it was the careful thought that he had given, that he'd obviously retained things that we had spoken of and shared.  He had even made sure that a certain type of flower was not in the bouquet as I had once shared the thought that they reminded me too much of funerals.  Simple things, but quite lovely.

He was very interesting (and interested), he was attentive and very sweet, open and a wonderful ability not just to listen but to truly 'hear' what was being said. It's hard to believe that we have known each other for quite some time but have only just taken this step to meet face to face and even though it was in a week of some serious work deadlines for me, dinner was lovely, the company was great, the conversation flowed easily. 

It was great to connect, but more so, to be able to connect without expectation, without any pre-conceived ideas, and just the chance to be who I am, with people who can be who they are, a mutual respect and understanding, that is often quite a rare thing to find. 

13 May 2017


The daily grind of life so often gets in the way of things we'd like to be doing, want to be doing, would love to be doing.  This is certainly the case for me right now where the fact I'm working on 3 very big projects one after the other has meant I've got little time to write, to relax or even to breathe!

The working days are long, hitting 18-20 hours every day for the past few weeks and for the foreseeable, and it's tiring and draining, but thank goodness I love my job. 

I'm on countdown to when I shall be on holiday and while a beach holiday is not normally my thing, in a matter of weeks I shall be relaxing on a beach, a book in hand and trying to unwind from the stresses of the weeks.

In fact, this will be my "home office" for almost two weeks, except we shall get to explore a beautiful new island that we've not had the pleasure of visiting, but I know that both mini man and I will so be ready for this holiday, probably more than usual as we've normally had at least one by now.

The daily grind of life has prevented me from being able to give time to anything else too right now, mini man is approaching his exams, work load is seriously high, the house is filled with stresses.  Oh, how using a paddle on a bare behind would be quite welcome now, a wonderful way to de-stress, but alas, that isn't a possibility either.

Instead, life is just life right now. 

Chaotically busy, missing lots of things right now, but that is how it goes. 

It is as it is, and we have to take and accept these things as being this way.  I know that often people do not understand the commitments that I may have, or the way that I work, to the level that I do.  But this is how it is.

20 April 2017

There you'll be . . .

8 years ago. 

8 years ago today, she took her last breath.

8 years ago, my Mum, my best friend lost her battle.

We were there by her side, our hearts shattering into a million tiny pieces, so many unfinished conversations, the regrets of words that were never shared.

And yet, in some small way, I shall be thankful that we were given the chance to say goodbye, we were given the chance to share thoughts and memories and say "I love you" from the day that we were told there was nothing more they could do, they said a couple of weeks and it wasn't even that. 

I spent every moment I could with her in the last 6 weeks of her time with us, we sat and watched the spring flowers outside grow, the lambs making their first appearance into the fields.  On the morning of the day she passed we'd watched a wild deer running through the fields, it had stopped and it appeared to be looking in at us, I still remember that moment as clear as day. 

Cancer, you bastard!

You robbed us even of the extra few days they said we'd have, right to the last, you took her away from us. 

Her last spoken words will haunt me forever as she woke on that morning and she whispered "I'm sorry, I can't do this anymore." And from there we knew, that this would be the last day that we would share with her, and my heart filled with a pain that no amount of words can or will ever describe.

While in the depths of grief after she passed, I certainly felt as if she'd taken so much with her, as the rawness eases from the loss of someone, when the edges are not so sharp and jagged, you realise that they have left you with so much.  Memories, many precious memories and the love that fills the heart.  The passing of time can never take that away just as it cannot take the void away that exists. 

Her dying took so much away. 

There are two songs which just remind me of her so much . . . this first one has such heart-breaking words and yet they are so beautiful and in fact, also make me think of others who have been close to me who I have lost, including my friend who recently died.  Because the words are so true there too.

"Every place we ever walked and
Everywhere we talked, I miss you
You never leave my mind
So much of you is left behind"

This song also reminds me of my Mum....

"I'll keep a part of you with me
And everywhere I am there you'll be......"

8 years may have passed.  Some days it seems like only yesterday, not a day goes passed when something happens I wish I could tell her about.  

I miss her.  Everyday. 

My heart is her home. She will live there forever.

19 April 2017


I've been absent from tumblr for a long while, however I recently returned to it, to my own little corner of the tumblr world.

There are so many pictures that just create such beautiful visions, beautiful images, ones which beyond the typical porn and stereotypical Femdom images can really show such beauty in submission and in pain.

But for me, the beauty right now is in the words, there are some fabulous tumblr accounts where the words are just stunningly beautiful, words that touch, that seep into your soul.  There are words that people just have such a gift in sharing that when you read, they seem to reflect your thoughts, or how you feel in that moment. 

I led there for hours last night, not able to sleep, reading these beautiful words, some of them haunting, taunting, but some of them reflecting lots of the things that I'm feeling right now, words that reflect some recent things that have happened in life. 

Some people are blessed with a truly wonderful gift of being able to write, to express.  I am quite simply in awe at times of people who have that ability, of being able to touch someone with words, it's such an intimate thing to be able to do, it's a beautiful thing to be able to do.

I wish I shared that ability.  Words are a beautiful thing.

18 April 2017


Seed planting
Thoughts developing
Nerves building
Excitement mounting
Butterflies growing
Time passing
Eyes meeting
Knees quivering
Hands shaking
Face smiling
Cheeks blushing
Eyes lowering
Skin touching
Pores perspiring
Mouth sighing
Lips touching
Tongues meeting
Hands roving
Hearts thumping
Body longing
Hands groping
Fingers rubbing
Mouths groaning
Trousers straining
Arms gripping
Mouth exploring
Senses exploding
Cock hardening
Eyes darkening
Lust building
Bodies aching
Cunt dripping
Tongue lapping
Heart pounding
Muscles tensing
Toes curling
Limbs clamping
Palms twitching
Mouths groaning
Hips plunging
Hands gripping
Teeth biting
Mouths Screaming
Bodies convulsing
Fluids releasing
Throat sighing
Arms holding
Time passing
Bodies spooning
Calm returning

Time will tell

that touch the
the mind
creating visions of
future times.
And while neither
can be totally
sure there
may indeed
be a whole
lot more!

And time
will tell, and time
will show
the reality of how
these things may
go. An existence
both screen
and wire
which will feed the
and hearts’
And soon, dear boy,
a moment
will be

I’m sure.

To discover
whether there’s a
whole lot more.

But ‘til and beyond
friendship grows
as secrets shared
as open hearts
lead to a flow
of thoughts
of words,
which engulf
and flood
feel and heal
and begins
to make this

And words already
with a voice,
a sigh,
a tut,
a laugh
and a “yes let’s try!”

And a moment will come
when a touch
can occur,
and be granted
a smile,
a raised eyebrow
a passing look,
a fleeting peck,
upon a cheek (or neck?)
a time
to come
face to face
communicating no
longer in
some virtual place.

And yes it could be
and that
and yes it could be
all you’ve
and more.

And oh!

My goodness the
to be so much

I’m sure!

But while it may be just the gist of the thing,
and tho’ both may be unsure,
time will show
and time will tell,
dear boy,
whether there can be a whole
lot more.

17 April 2017

A gift of words

"Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and its thought has found its words" Robert Frost.

I love words! 

Reading them, writing them, hearing them, sharing them.  There is a beauty in how they can create such wonderful images, that they can create a vision that brings those words to life. 

I love them to flood the senses, touch the heart and trickle to the soul

I'm a word whore.

I can't get enough of them.

But, I had a truly wonderful present recently - a rather wonderful gift of words, something written, something sent to me, for me. 

A poem. 

And I loved it. 

And while I am not going to share it here, I just love how when you read something, as you see the words before you that they reach out, touch you, touch the heart, flood the mind.

And it was that and more. A whole lot more!

And I love it. 

The gift, the words, the gift of those words and that someone has such a wonderful gift and shared that gift with me is something quite lovely and it plunges in and warms the heart.  There is something quite special, that someone takes that time, that thought to send such a wonderful present. 

I've been touched by words, and in several ways recently, left lost for words of my own in response (quite a rare thing for me yanno?) but, sometimes it does happen. 

But that's the beauty of words.

And I love them. 


"I wrote a poem about it, and then threw it away, because that’s the last thing I need right now: More words dedicated to people who will never dedicate a single thing to me" Charlotte Green.

Wise words Charlotte, very wise words indeed. 

I've written posts. I've written words. Yes, I've written poems too of things from the distant past, of things more recent.  At the time they were a release of thoughts and feelings, but they're deleted, thrown away never to see daylight, never to be seen, read or witnessed for this very reason! 

Writing for me, is often a release.  I don't do it for other people to read, to comment or even to see.  It is quite simply for me. 

I have, or should say had, several hundred draft entries here on my blog, they've been purged.

Using the delete button can have a very cathartic feeling of it's own, cleansing away the negative, taking away the toxic feelings, taking away the things that no longer need to be there. Things that do not need anything further dedicated to them other than the original function of a release (and relief) at the time of writing.

And the purging, the letting go it brings about it's own sense of release. 

But Charlotte, you're right, we do not need to dedicate things to people who will never dedicate a single thing in return. 

So, let's not.

16 April 2017


Let's get lost
in passionate kisses
and forget the
world amongst
lips and bodies.
Let's get lost
in burning lust
with bites and marks
strokes and smacks
caresses and slaps.
Let's get lost
in passionate desire
and drown out
the world
in fervour and fire
with paddle
and flogger
with clamps
and tawse,
with passion
and pain
let me be the cause
of marks upon
your skin
Let's get lost
Let's begin.