Screw poetry!

"Screw poetry, it's you I want, your taste, rain on you, mouth on your skin."
Margaret Atwood

There are no poetic words waiting to spill all over the page.  There is no melodious soliloquy or discourse. 

There is no painting of aimless silhouette's on a naked canvas depicting an artistic longing.

Instead there is just the carnal and lascivious desires that are burning, that are longing, that are screaming for attention.  There is the ravenous hunger for sensual touch, your touch. 

Your fingers, your hands, your mouth over me, upon me, in me.

There is the rousing desires, of wants and needs. 

Screw the words, screw the poetry, screw the art upon bare canvas. 

Instead  I want you. 

Your hands, your mouth, your body touching mine.  Instead I want to touch you, to kiss you, to bite you and hurt you.  I want to breath you in, taste you, hold you.

There is no need for epodic rhyme. 

There is just a need for a moment.  A moment with you, with a mellifluous symphony of desirous worship.

Need

 

I need.

 

To feel that closeness. That intimacy. The intimate moments that come from such simple moments. Moments of closeness.  There is nothing so precious as moments such as this, when there can be such a beautiful closeness.

 

I need.

 

That warmth. That bond. That connection. I need to feel the depths of his submission to my dominance.  To feel him, and letting him know from my touch how much he is cherished and in return, I can feel his obsession, his passion, his love.

 

I need.

 

 

 

 

 

Awoken

I've been too busy.  Too busy to get the words down, the thoughts out from the mind onto the page.

I'd like to say it's been from lots of wonderful things; that I've been distracted by a sweet vulnerable submissive boy, that I've been teasing and torturing him, loving and hurting him.

But alas, however nice the thought, that would be a lie.

How I wish that it were not.

Distracted yes.

I have been.  Not in the way I want to be or wish I'd been.  Although I have been lucky enough to communicate with some very wonderful new people of late which brought the year to a lovely end, and indeed has been a great way to start the new.

But, it has, in turn served only to remind me of things that are lacking, things that I need, but it has in a way, made me think, made me realise that I have to take steps to stop things being lacking. 

It's not a new years resolution. But yes.  It is. Time.

Unfortunately, the distraction in life has simply been because of life.  The working kind.  The kind that sees you toil through 80+ hour weeks, working at home, in the office, through the night.  A laptop by the bed communicating with people on a different continent when things need to be agreed and closed.  A notepad filled with nothing but meeting notes and lists of things to do.  Lists of lists of things that I needed to do. 

Not lists of things I'd love to be doing, that at times, I ache to be doing.  But lists of things that I have to do.


I miss having the time to write.  I miss having the inclination, the motivation, but more so the inspiration. 

The inspiration to the words, to feelings, to emotions, to life.  

The inspiration that feeds me, fulfils me, balances me.

We enter a new year. 

Many things the same as last apart from the two digits at the end of the date.  And yet, many things are different. 

The want, the desire for that inspiration in a way that hasn't been there for quite a long time.

I feel the beast prowling. 

The emotional sadistic beast. 

He prowls. 

He has awoken.

He is alive.

Nothing.

"There's no such thing as nothing. In every nothing there is a something. In fact there could be everything" Libba Bray - Going Bovine

Nothing IS something, after all. 

Even if we are "nothing" we are still something.

Poor, cheap and bad philosophy maybe and yet maybe there's a grain of truth to it. You'll probably dismiss it and insist, "No, I am nothing." And yet there you sit, in front of the computer, existing.

I mean in a world where things that don't exist actually DO exist by virtue of thinking of them...how can we, you, I or anyone deny the existence of such a truly physical object? (Sorry to call you an object, but you know (hopefully!) what I mean...)

And yet, even if "nothing" does exist by such a definition, it isn't what I want.  Nothing isn't enough, it isn't what I want. I want so much more. More of everything.

And yet, at times, like now for example, it seems as if nothing could be exactly what will be, how it will be and yet I hope that in this nothing, there could be everything.

Beast

I don't  want to touch you with gentle hands

Or talk to your with a soft gentle voice.

I don't want to look at you with softness or love.

I want you to see my darkness. To pull you into

the dark and depraved. I want you to feel the desires

that engulf me, overwhelm me, that fills my veins.

The ones that exist in the darkest corners of my psyche.

I want to strip you bare. Taking down the walls that keep you safe.

I want you to feel what I do; as I do. Battling against a

darkness and desire that takes you down to the lowest of places.

I want to rape your body, to rape your mind.

To hurt your heart with cruel words that squeeze it

with their harshness. I want my hands to tear at your your body,

raking nails over the softness of your naked flesh.

Taking you, hurting you, marking you right through to

the depths of you, through to your soul.

I want you to feel the beast that lives inside of me, to see it,

feel it, crave it. Love it. To open the door of its cage,

to set it free, so that it can be unleashed upon you.

You opening the door to be a willing victim. A victim,

to be taken, broken. And yet still beg for more.

A perfect sub?

What makes a perfect sub?

This is the question that someone asked me today.

Firstly, I don't think that there is such a thing. The word "perfect" makes it something that isn't achievable. Something which is a fantasy of something that isn't realistically attainable.

Nobody is "perfect", nobody can be perfect and if we set ourselves up with an expectation of finding someone perfect, then we will always fail.

While no-one can be perfect, I do think it is possible for there to be a "right sub".  A sub that is right for a certain type of dynamic, a sub that is right for me and the things that I may look for or seek.

Just as there can be a Dominant that is right for a particular sub and the type of dynamic or relationship that they may seek or need.  Of course it doesn't mean that things will be perfect (nothing ever is!), nor does it mean that being the "right" person will mean that they do not make mistakes.

After all, everyone does.

In a fantasy world, in the backs of our imaginations I guess we could all have our "perfect" other half.  The perfect sub, or the perfect dominant, someone who would do everything and meet every need.  But, it seems so false. Not a reality, but a robotic fantasy of what someone could never ultimately achieve.

If we aim for that, if that is what we strive for, then I believe we are all going to fall short of that y'know? No-one will ever meet the expectations that we may have, because they are wholly unrealistic.  

I think it is important that we don't aim for that perfection, it isn't compromising, it is being realistic.  Even those we think are "perfect" have their flaws. Their weaknesses. Their failings.

We all do.

So, what can make a sub right for an FLR?

I think it is more a case of certain traits, certain characteristics as well as someone who has the same need and desire for an FLR as I do, but from a submissive angle of course.

I know what I am and I am aware that the type of dynamic that I seek is one which is purely a Female Led Relationship.  So, if that is right for me and in turn I am right for it, then there is more than likely a submissive who it is right for and where the FLR dynamic is right for them too.

Makes sense right?

So, when answering this question earlier I tried to explain that while I don't subscribe to the "perfect sub" that I think there are traits, characteristics that would make someone right for me and for the type of relationship that I would seek.

So . . .what is that?  What can make a sub right for an FLR . . .

Well . . .(and these are my thoughts, and I am not suggesting that someone is going to have all of them!) but . . .

A man who is able to serve with consistency but also constancy.  Someone who doesn't just want to submit or serve when they are horny or aroused.  In short my own dominance, my own need for control and to be in that control extends way beyond the bedroom and I need someone who is able to accept that, embrace it  and need it in the same way.  

A man who is capable of submitting in that way, not someone who only wants to submit in the bedroom. I need more. I expect more and I want him too as well.

A man who isn't submitting to get "rewards" and "treats".  The need and the desire to submit must come from the fulfilment that he gets from submitting.

A man who understands the fact that I don't do rewards.  Yes I do treats, I like to treat someone, gift someone, surprise someone, but not as a reward for service.  I want and need someone who is fulfilled from the pleasure that he gives, but whose ultimate needs are met through that serving.  Not someone who will only do something because there is the expectancy that they will be rewarded for doing it.  That isn't submitting to me.

A man who doesn't need to be "forced" to submit, but someone who does so freely, from his choice, from his desire, because it is how he is wired. It is his psyche.

A man whose submitting isn't conditional.  A man who doesn't only submit when his needs, wants, fetishes or kinks are present.  Let me explain ~ I have no problem with a submissive having wants, needs, desires. After all, if those aren't met, the relationship will fail. What doesn't work for me is that if those fetishes aren't present that it prevents him from submitting.  

A man who enjoys life and the interaction with his partner.  I enjoy life, I enjoy the interaction with a partner on many levels, it isn't all about fantasy for me.  It cannot be for him either.

A man who can communicate, who is able to connect on many levels and not just from a sexual viewpoint.  He must be able to interact, to converse, to discuss, to share thoughts, feelings, emotions, with openness, clarity and honesty.

A man who needs to give himself up to the control.  I need to be in control.  For me, it is all about control.  That control isn't always sexual and at times it can be very much removed from being anything sexual.  The right sub for me is someone who needs to have that control over them, but someone who is quite capable of thinking for themselves, able to make decisions and certainly able to when necessary.  

A man who doesn't need to be micromanaged.  Someone who is an adult and a responsible one at that, I don't want a child and I have no wish to treat someone as a child.  So to be right for me they must be a responsible adult, who wants to be treated as such, but more so, will behave as such.

A man who doesn't manipulate. A man who is non-controlling (after all, that's my domain! lol) but who is quite capable of thinking for himself who isn't fearful or scared of taking the initiative to please without always being told what to do.

A man who will uphold all that he offers, freely.  That he is able to submit and demonstrate that he doesn't always need an instruction to do so, simply because he wishes to please and has a desire to do so. 

A man who is fulfilled in bringing pleasure in many ways, to make someone feel special, who is as responsible for his own happiness as he is for my own, but knowing that it will be that way in return.  He must accept responsibility for his submission and understand that he must do all he can to please his Dominant in the ways that she likes to be pleased.

A man who isn't selfish, who is driven by his desire to serve and please and who finds fulfillment in such.

A man who is honest and open minded, but also realises that every dominant is different and that he must approach a relationship with me with an open and refreshed mind. Expecting it to be different from others' approach and to be open to this and embrace it.

A man who is able to give the space for a dominant to discover her power, and to exert it. But a man who is fully aware that it is as much about his contribution as it is from my side and that it comes from both.

A man who will do what he says, who will fulfill the promises that he makes.  Who is able to anticipate needs and take care of them, even before being asked, and who doesn't need to have orders relayed to him 24 hours a day to do every little thing.

A man who realises it is not about dressing up, it isn't about fetish or kink and that it is about a whole. A whole relationship and that he wants and needs that whole. Someone who agrees that a relationship cannot just survive if it is based on those kinks and fetish.

A man who has a need to follow an FLR, one which involves as much in terms of romantic love and attachment as it does being service orientated.  Who wants a reality not something "scene based".

A man who can laugh as much as he can love. A man who can make me smile as much as he can make me feel adored.  A man who is as self aware as he is sensuous. Who is as comfortable in conversation as he is in silence. Who is attentive, dependable, and willing.

A man who is who he says he is.  A man who wants it all. But who wants it because he needs it, needs it in the form of an FLR, because of what he can give to it, not because of what he can get.

So . . .

There is such a thing as someone who is "right". Whether we ultimately find that, who knows.  But it starts with knowing what we want, what we need, being open with that, but open to it.

So no. I don't think there's a "perfect sub". There isn't a perfect anything.  But I do believe so very much that there can be someone who is "right". Someone who is right for a certain type of relationship.

Someone who is right for another.

I wanted

I wanted a man to spend the day.

To take his time. To tell me stories from in between my thighs. To lay on top of me for what felt like - or what was - hours, and kiss me.

(Kiss me everywhere. Kiss me softly. Kiss me madly. Kiss me til I was mad. Kiss me until our lips hurt. And then kiss me some more. And then still more.)

I wanted a man to forget that he had anywhere else to be. To fall asleep wrapped around me. To wake up inside me.

To wonder idly where the sun had gone.

anon

Live as you've never lived before

"Let your mind start a journey thru a strange new world. Leave all thoughts of the world you knew before. Let your soul take you where you long to be...Close your eyes let your spirit start to soar, and you'll live as you've never lived before.”


Erich Fromm

I *LOVE* this quote. 

It is one that I often think of because its meaning is so true but which makes me look forward, with anticipation and with hope.

But, it is hard to let go of the things that we've known before, even harder to take steps into the new or unknown. That unknown is filled with a fear, but a fear that in itself can create a desire. A desire for what may be, for what can be, if we only allow ourselves to.

I think we all want to live as we've never lived before . . .and life is too short to not live in the way that we want. 

My "time out" has been extended for far too long and for the first time in a long time. 

It is time to truly let things go where they need to go, to be where I want to be. 

I know that really is the right time to be truly open to whatever the future may bring, to be active in making things happen so I can live the way that I truly want to live, to live in a way that I have never lived before.  And in a depth and in a world that I know that I want but more so need to live in.





.

self analysis

Millions of people never analyze themselves. Mentally they are mechanical products of the factory of their environment, preoccupied with breakfast, lunch, and dinner, working and sleeping, and going here and there to be entertained. They don’t know what or why they are seeking, nor why they never realize complete happiness and lasting satisfaction. By evading self-analysis, people go on being robots, conditioned by their environment. True self-analysis is the greatest art of progress."


Paramahansa Yogananda 

self-analysis - noun.

An independent methodical attempt to study and comprehend one's own personality, emotions and behaviour

One thing I have done through the years is a lot of self-analysis.  I have scrutinised, delved, studied, learnt, and most certainly found a comprehension of myself. My personality. My emotions. My behaviour. But also my wants. My needs. My desires.  My strengths. My weaknesses (being dominant doesn't stop us having them either!).

Probably the most in-depth analysis was when I first came across the "lifestyle" and had my lightbulb moment (something I've blogged about previously here).  Finding out new things about myself which had always been there, an awareness of things that I hadn't been aware of previously.  And in such I began to learn all about the person I am, the personality, the wants, needs, desires, and the more I have learned, the deeper I have delved, and in turn, the greater the knowledge but the deeper the understanding has been.

In doing such self analysis I have been able to find a true understanding of my inner self, a real insight which has granted me an acceptance of myself and who and what I am, of the things that I want, seek, or more so need to bring that complete happiness and lasting satisfaction.

That disection and recognition of "me" ultimately has enabled me to accept everything about the person I am, even when those things go against societal expectations or the societal "norm".  It can be hard when we learn things about ourselves which make us different, especially if it is something that others look down upon or are likely to judge.  We can often fight against things that we learn, thinking that it is wrong, or we are wrong or that we will be thought of differently by those close to us.

I related a lot to the quote when I first read it. Because in my opinion, such scrutiny does enable us to discover ourselves and it is with this knowledge that we can take positive steps to find all that we want.  But it also enables us to know what we do not want, and I strongly believe that is just as important.

It means that we then don't ultimately waste our time working towards something that isn't what we want or accepting something "just because". Life is too short to be wasted on something which doesn't fulfil us.  But there will always be things that we may have to compromise on, but knowing ourselves, analysing ourselves enables us to be able to know what those things are.

I have things that I will NOT compromise on at all.  I have things that I desire, want or need. And as such, if something doesn't meet those then I don't compromise.

What is the point?

A submissive friend of mine through the years has been within relationships which has only met some needs, and ultimately many have been left unfulfilled and unsatisfied.  They have been left feeling incomplete and certainly haven't found the happiness that is wanted or longed for.  But so much has come from them not truly knowing themselves, their wants or needs, not having a knowledge or understanding of them. Because they dont know what they want, they don't know how to even begin to find fulfilment.  This often leads, as it has done for them, to accepting second best, settling for something less than what is wanted.  Often this is with the thought of "something is better than nothing", but, is it?

Not in my opinion. Not for me it isn't.

But some, choose to amble along, finding things out as they go, but then go on a drawn out journey which takes them in directions that they do not want to travel, having to go through things they do not want to, accepting things that seem ok, but aren't right simply because they don't truly know what is wanted or needed.  This can lead to a lot of unhappiness, a lot of unfulfilment, a lot of wasted time.

This friend is now in therapy, going through the steps of self analysis to break the circle that they have found themselves in, in the hope that by being insightful, in knowing themselves, their wants, needs and desires that it will lead them on a much more positive path forward, not accepting things less than they want, need or desire or in fact deserve.

It isn't always easy. 

We can often be our hardest critics. 

We may discover things that we do not like. Things we do not understand.  And this in turn can take and need more self analysis, more delving into our innerselves.  As the quote suggests, it is progress . . .but its a work in progress.  We are always a work in progress.

Sometimes we find things that we cannot understand, we may not know why it exists, we may think it is not really who we are.  Analysis and being able to discover these things may not always bring answers straight away, it may and can take time to do so . . .but the results of such self analysis, of knowing ourselves deeply can be positive, whether that comes upon first searching or in the future.

Self analysis helps us to know what we want, and can lead us to a path which when we walk it, is the right one for us, and helps us avoid settling or accepting for something less than we want or need.

In terms of BDSM, in terms of an FLR, in terms of D/s, in terms of kink, self analysis has helped me to find who I truly am, accepting myself for who I am. It has enabled me to know the feelings that I have and where they come from.  An understanding of my sadistic needs alongside my emotional ones.  The dominant traits along with the need for control. It has enabled me to be able to take control, of myself, of situations and of others.  It really has empowered me. It has facilitated my onward journey. It has supplied me with the understanding, with the knowledge, with the opportunity to know me better but also to give me the tools of learning others better, of understanding them, discovering them, accepting them too.

In analysing I know what I want. What I seek. What I desire. What I want. 

I know the things that will balance me.

Fulfil me.

Complete me. 

I know the things that I don't want. I know the things that do not work for me. The things I am not willing or prepared to compromise on. 

Some may say that makes me picky.

And maybe so. 

But it means that ultimately I will not spend time doing something that ultimately will not bring me happiness or fulfilment. That I will not invest into something or someone which ultimately will not work or which isn't what I want or need.

It is of course a never ending learning curve.  Life is a never ending journey of learning. Our self analysis doesn't stop, there is always something to learn, to discover, to understand.

As we move forward in different relationships, different dynamics, we come across new things, new situations, new feelings, new emotions and in turn we continue to learn more about ourselves and the analysis is an ongoing progress indeed.  But analysis gives us tools to know who we really are and that can only be a positive in securing our happiness, our fulfilment and the things that we desire.

Hurting you awake

I woke first, but with violence on my mind. 

You are sleeping next to me and I cannot tell if you are dreaming or if you're mind is empty of thought.  You look so peaceful at that moment, you're lips relaxed and I want to kiss you awake, bite you awake, sucking them in. Sucking you in. Drawing you in. 

But I lie there watching you, wanting you, wanting to devour you.

I am restless now. 

And I feel like a caged animal waiting to be fed. And the beast is stirring within. And I am waiting for you to waken. And I am waiting to be able to look into your eyes and to force my mouth down upon yours. And I know that I can do so at any time, but I love watching you sleep, and your vulnerability gets to me everytime.  And it's been so long since we've woken next to each other, so long since we have spent this time together and it makes me want you all the more.

And I want to hurt you. Now. In that moment while you are asleep.  And I want to take you and use you. And I want to hurt you and fuck you. And I want you to beg me to hurt you. And the thought of hurting you makes me so fucking wet and I am breathing heavily and the longing in the pit of my stomach feelings growls.

And the images of hurting you runs through my mind, the things that I want to do to you. Pinching your nipples, twisting them until you cry out with pain, my hand reaching into your hair forcing your head, making you do things, lick things, taste things.  And I want to sit astride you, forcing myself down onto you as you like there, moving up so my cunt is over your face, and I want to move myself over you. Marking you, feeling you, knowing you are there, and make you lick even more.

And I want to slap your face and watch as your eyes roll around with disorientation and alarm, knowing that you float away, but I bring you back, my hand gripped around your jaw as I bring you towards me and kiss you hard. And I bite on your lips, sucking them into my mouth, biting harder as I feel you wince and try to pull away.  And I want to watch you lick your lips in the way that you do when I've kissed you, and I can see that you're tasting the blood that my biting has drawn.

And I twist on your nipples as I hear you gasp, twisting them harder, digging in the tips of my nails and the longing in the pit of my stomach grows even more as I hear you gasp in the pain that you're feeling.  And I want to hurt you so badly, so much, and I want you to moan with pain and beg me to hurt you. And I know that you would do it for me.   And you did, only a few hours before.

And so I lie there watching you sleep. And I love having you next to me. Knowing that I can touch you, kiss you, hold you or hurt you whenever I want to. 

And as you begin to stir, I begin to kiss you awake. 

And as you stretch out lethargically, languidly and open your mouth to yawn, I move in to cover your mouth with mine stopping you from taking the breath.

The hurting begins.

FLRs ~ my reality.

Why this blog?

Well, the boy is currently working on a blog of his "past", a reflection of his journey and someone recently asked me how I discovered FLRs, how I discovered D/s, BDSM and all that I want and need . .  .

So, this has led me to writing this blog . . .

I discovered the "world" of D/s considerably late in life in that, it wasn't something that I had ultimately come across in many respects until about 8-10 years ago.  However without labels, it is something that has been a part of my adult life, within my relationships. 

I was always aware of its existence, of course I was. I haven't grown up wearing blinkers, being totally oblivious to the existence of all that is BDSM, but, when I first began to explore and become aware of it all, there were many areas and aspects that I didn't relate to.  Maybe that was because of a lack of understanding, maybe it was to do with not experiencing certain things. 

But understanding comes with experience. Many things come with experience. 

My introduction to many areas of BDSM came to me via an old friend.  He had kept his "secret" from me for many years of his need to Dominate.  He was and is naturally dominant.  We were and are so similar in so many ways, that it would often cause battles, it would often lead to quite vocal disagreements, but we were always able to be honest and open with each other.  And we know each other in a way that no-one else knows the other.  We knew the other, often at times better than we knew ourselves. 

He shared this part of me with him, afraid that I would judge him afraid that I wouldn't understand.  Instead he shared it with me, instead we began a journey together that I could never have imagined or envisaged. 

"Our" journey was one that gave me so many experiences in so many different ways, and while ultimately it wasn't the right journey for me, it or more so He enabled me to find a real depth of understanding. An understanding of myself, my needs and exactly who I am.  He enabled me to find myself, and to do so with acceptance, without shame, and knowing that how dark or depraved, ultimately it IS ok.

That *I* am ok.

It was when I was with Him, which was an incredibly and deeply emotional M/s relationship that I had my "lightbulb moment". 

The time when everything fell into place. 

The time when I gained an insight into myself, my needs and desires and wants.  It was an understanding of ultimately my need for control and to control, my need to not only to be allowed to be my natural dominant self, but also to be physically Dominant; but more so my need to actually dominate.

It brought the acceptance of everything sexual and kink based which to that point, I had at times been ashamed of the dark and depraved thoughts, fantasies and longings that had been a part of my life since as long as I could remember. 

I was able to see just how it wasn't right for me to give up control, it enabled me to see why I needed to be in control, why I needed to dominate, and while I still needed and wanted sexual adventure, fetish and kink while still needing and wanting everything that came with "vanilla" relationships too. 

He was the one that granted me the gift of being able to be me. For that, I will always be thankful.

The relationship I had with him was one which enabled me to find the understanding of my natural dominant personality and the way that crosses over into so many areas of my life, why relationships from my past had worked or why they hadn't. The reasons why they failed.

And I was able to go right back to my own childhood and pinpoint where these needs began, where they began to grow and the reasons why they did.  That so much of it stemmed from the time when my parents separated and subsequently divorced, the time when I was in so many ways "thrown" out into the world of taking care of myself, of making my own decisions, of being in control. 

And it was during this lightbulb moment that I really found the understanding of FLRs, their existence and just how much it "fit" who I was, fit what I wanted or needed within a relationship, fit what my reality had already been in so many ways ~ I was able to see how much my previous relationships had been female led even without either my then partners or myself being wholly aware of it.  The decisions had been taken and made by me, I had control over financial aspects, decisions within the relationship, the household and considerable levels of control over the male I was then with.  I had been the dominant one. I had dominated, even without actually being aware or realising. 

Upon reflection, the one constant of my relationships, the fact that they were female led, was the thing that had made them work, the reasons why they had flourished in the way they had. Yes they had ended, but it wasn't because they were female led.

And this has simply continued throughout my life, through my teens, twenties and to where I am now. 

My dominant personality led me into a career in a very male based environment and from an early age into the management of the same.  I have always had to "stand up" for myself, coming across some very negative male attitudes towards women in the work place and more especially, women within a male dominated workplace.  I have always had to be strong willed. I have always been the responsible one, the one who people have turned to for support, for advice, for direction.

Workwise I have always had a role in management ever since graduating from University with my degree.  I have always been responsible for people and their welfare, their jobs and their working environment.  I have always been in control of my own path.  Right through to the fact that for approaching a decade now I have had my own company, and manage 5 others.  In control of the workplace for myself and others.  And it has taken a while for me to accept that I feel ok with needing and wanting that control.

Into adulthood, that control, that dominance has crept into my personal life, my relationships, but at the time, although I wasn't overly aware of the whole D/s aspects, the whole FLR existence, it is exactly how I have lived.  Even if it is not to the level I have wanted or hope to achieve. That I still want to have.

To me, it was just a natural thing that within the relationships I made the decisions, I took control and it was just the natural thing that the male partner I was with, naturally fell into his natural place too. 

I have often wondered, since discovering the world of BDSM whether I was naturally drawn to what were submissive males.  It would certainly appear that way.  Even though overtly those I have spent parts of my life with haven't been submissive.  In some cases far from it, but the relationship has still been very much female led.  Even to the time of (and since) having my son, and his upbringing being solely down to me.  Even in the years I have been a single parent, all of the decisions, work, home, family have all been down to me. 

And I flourish in such situations. 

I feel confident in the decisions I make, the choices that I make. 

I naturally take control, it is just who I am.

And now, I feel that confidence and flourish in situations of D/s and FLRs but with an understanding and clarity that allows me to take relationships down the path that I want or need, it enables me to build upon something that will ultimately feed my needs, not only as a Dominant female, but also my needs in terms of sadism, fetish and kink too. 

It also allows me to create that, to have that, with someone who wants or needs the same but from the opposite end of the D/s spectrum. 

Someone who needs to be controlled, someone who needs to submit, someone who needs to be dominated, someone who is happy and content to be within an FLR, who while not needing to be micro managed is happy that someone ultimately makes all the decisions. That while their opinion is still important, that it still counts, that they will always "bow down" to the decision that the female makes. 

And I need someone who needs that. 

Opposite sides of the same coin. Opposite ends of the D/s spectrum, both wanting different things from the same dynamic but those different things being the balance.

I have been able to pinpoint why certain past relationships failed but also why in other ways that they flourished and I only wish I had the understanding, insight and clarity that I do now back then.  It could have made life a whole lot different.  But I am thankful that I have the understanding that I do now. I will always be thankful for the "lightbulb moment" that C granted to me.

I would like to think that it helps me to be far more open in current relationships, that I can see what I need to make it work, for it to work and can take steps to do all I can to ensure that it does.  Of course, there is never any guarantee that a relationship will work, it doesn't matter whether it is "vanilla", D/s, M/s, FLR or WLM, there may always be things that will cause a relationship to falter, to go wrong.  But, I am more aware now than I have ever been in my life exactly what I want or need and as such am in a place where I will no longer settle for anything less than that. 

It seems that so many try to push others under a "label" in the areas of BDSM this is in fact very common and yes in the early days I tried to pigeon hole myself too.

Trying to fit into what I thought was right (rather than what was right) But, I no longer do that. Instead I am open and accept who I am, in the way that I am, rather than what a label tells me I should be.

Others are quite within their rights to think in their opinion that it is wrong, but for me it is right and that at the end of that day, is what I am concerned about. And that any relationship I am in, is also right, and that it meets the needs of both people in it.

There are things and aspects from D/s that I need, things which even border on the M/s, there is the whole aspect of FLRs which "fit", but then there are also things from Femdom but also Kink and fetish too. 

So, there isn't any one label I am able to give the dynamic that I need, that I want, or that I "label" myself with.  Instead  there are many things that I take from all of these and bring them together to give the dynamic that I want and need.  But, one thing is for sure is that any relationship I have, that the one constant is that it is an FLR. The levels of kink, fetish, D/s etc may vary, but the one thing that isn't up for negotiation or discussion is the FLR aspects.

FLRs are my reality, they are right for me.

They are my truth. 

I do what I can to ensure that whatever I want or need from a relationship will be there ~ if there are things missing at the beginning then it is more than likely that it will fail or that it will not be the ultimate relationship, meeting all of the needs, that it will be too much of a compromise.  I am open to all of the different aspects of BDSM and FLRs and I need parts of all of them in one form or combination.

I need to be in control, but I also have sadistic needs that I need to meet too, I need the relationship to be female led, that the decisions are ultimately mine, but I also need the kink too.  I need to be able to be myself, to be dominant with a submissive partner, but also to Dominate.  I am strong willed, I am confident, and I have a very strong dominant personality in all aspects of my life, but, the need to Dominate is very strong for me. 

I need all of the other aspects too, someone who is a friend, a companion, a lover, not someone who is just my submissive, not someone who is just property, but someone who is all of that and more. 

Am I just greedy in what I want? Maybe.

But I am open and accept all that I am, all that I need, and will do all that I can to ensure that the needs are met.  And it is having all of this in a relationship that feeds me, it feeds my need, but more so, it balances who I am as a person.

I always have a dominant personality, but I can only dominate when I am with someone.  I may have a need to always be dominant because it is naturally who I am but I do not always have a need to dominate every person.  But I do have a need to dominate one. I do have a need to be in control of that one and the relationship that we are in.  I am aware of it. I accept it. I am open to it.

It goes back to that saying "to thine own self be true".

And I try to be as much as I am physically able to.  Of course life always needs some compromise, the ins and outs of daily life play their part, we always will have to hold back a little, with work, home or family commitments.  But I am and will live my life in the way I am able, as much as I am able. To meet my needs and the person who I am with.

Now see what I mean with it being so impossible to fit under labels?

Society places such pressure on us to "conform" and that anything out of the "norm" means that you're some kind of freak or that there is something wrong.  It makes it easier to hide, to keep things secret, to keep things away from others.

There isn't anything wrong with the things that I want, ( or the things that YOU want) the way that I live or the types of relationships I have.  There isn't anything wrong with my sadistic need, the need to hurt the person physically that I am with or the fact that it fulfils a need within me.  There isn't anything wrong with being a female within a relationship but being the one in charge. There isn't anything wrong with being the one who makes the decisions, who is in control.  But so many things can make us feel guilty, can make us feel ashamed of the things that we may want or need.  So much of it coming from society who tell us that to do X, Y or Z is wrong.

There isn't anything wrong with those who want the opposite to me.

I certainly do not feel ashamed of why or what I am or of the needs that I have. I will also do my upmost to ensure that the person I am with feels that way too, that they can be the person they are without shame.   But others through lack of understanding or ignorance can make it very difficult to be so fully open of the way we live our lives, even now.

But I am aware of my needs, I know what it is that I need and that is all of the above.  And although the D/s,  kink or anything else may vary, the one constant for me is my relationships being female led.  Being led by me.  That isn't something that has changed, (deepened, grown yes, changed no) and it certainly won't now.

FLR is my constant. 

It will be my future in a way and a depth that hasn't been there before. And that is with an understanding. With an insight. With a clarity that hasn't truly been there before. 

But more so, it will be with an openness and acceptance to all that life may bring, to all that I may want to enable me to be the person I am.

Cock envy!

The boy has written in his blog several times about his fantasies in relation to strap ons ~ it even inspired me to write my own blog entry which you can find HERE 

I am not normally inspired a great deal to think about strap ons, let alone to want to write about them or have an "urge" to use one. 

I haven't really been inspired to divulge in them either.

I don't know why. I just haven't.  Strange really when I have such a love for anything "anal", but such is life.  There are other things that I do think of, and that suits me fine.  It doesn't bother me that I am not drawn to something.

I like what I like, when I like. End of.

But, the thought of having a cock, having the potential to hurt, to use, to give pleasure is one that IS appealing. I do like that thought, I know I would like that feeling . . . but, it is the lack of "feeling" that comes (or doesn't come which is more the case) with a strap on, that doesn't make me want to rush out and put one on!

I like to feel the pain or the pleasure I inflict, and what can you feel with a strap on?

There are no nerve endings, no sensitivity, nothing . . .

I don't like the "nothing". 

I don't want the "nothing"

It's like an empty promise, a promise of pleasure, but a pleasure I can never really make happen . . .I want to give pleasure, I want to be able to fuck him and hard, I want to be able to force my way deep into him. 

But, I want to TAKE pleasure too.  

But, the only way I could do that, is by having a cock, not having something strapped on.

Cock envy?

Maybe. 

Yes.

I have so many thoughts, so many visions, so many "desires" of the things I want to force onto the boy.

These thoughts are so damn hot, but also, involve so much more.  Violence. Sexual violence. My being able to get off on forcing him, shoving into him, hurting him and not really caring about him, about anything apart from using him to make me come, using him for my pleasure in the way that I want to.

Men can take pleasure or give pleasure with their cocks, they can make someone get off but against their will, they have the ability to just "use" for their pleasure.  And that is what is so damn hot and that is why I have cock envy!

I want that ability to use the boy for my pleasure.  

I want to be able to use the boy in all of the ways that feature in those dark places within my mind. 

And yes, my mind does take me there, to those dark places, ones of unfeeling use, ones of sexual violence along with no concern for the recipient. And that is what I want, that when I am in those dark places I just want to use him, to use him for my pleasure.  With a complete detachment and no interest for him.  To take no notice of his cries, his screams, his begging.

As my dark thoughts run through the depths of my mind I find myself in darker places, and if I had a real cock.  You know, a real flesh and blood cock, Oh my GOD! I would be using it non-stop. 

I would be forcing it into the boy at any opportunity, at EVERY opportunity. Not just his arse or into his mouth, face fucking him deep into this throat.  No, I'd be using it everywhere, rubbing it everywhere, thrusting it into him deep and hard, making him cry and scream but feeling every single part of it.  Rubbing up against him, between his legs, in his underarms, between his arse cheeks . . .everywhere . . .

And mostly, I would be fucking his arse, stretching him with my long hard cock, hearing him beg for me to stop, filling his arse with the cock and the cum from it.  Forcing my way into his mouth, down into the back of his throat, pulling his head further onto it to make him gag.  Making him cry tears, making him heave.

Pushing him to the ground taking him however I want to, forcing myself onto him, into him, whenever, or however I want.

And the thought is hot!

And the thought turns me on.

But that is what I want, in the depths of the dark places of my mind, but I want to feel it.

And the way I want to feel it.

I will never be able to.

So yes, I have cock envy!