Lose the labels!

"I have tattoos, so I’m a trouble maker. I have curves, so I’m fat. If I wear makeup, I’m fake. If I say what I think, I’m a bitch. If I cry some times, I’m a drama queen. If I have guy friends, I’m a slut. If I stand up for myself, I’m mouthy. Seems like you can’t do anything nowadays without being labeled. So what, go ahead and label me, see if I give a shit…"

Ellen Dunsworth

Labels. 

There is something about labels that seriously get up my nose.  There seems to be a whole plethora of people who want to place labels on everyone else, or try to place themselves under a label which they are never going to fit.

I am an individual.

I take pride in that fact.  I like the fact tht I am different from many people and I don't try to make myself like another.  In short, I always try my upmost to stay true to myself, my beliefs, my wants and needs and desires.

And because of that I am not fond of labels.

I am not interested in having labels placed upon me, I am not interested in being labelled as anything, or defined as such.  Although to be honest, there would be so many that could possibly fit the list could be endless; and that is because I am who I am. 

I cannot fit into any little box which describes who I am or the needs that I have.  It would be impossible, unless I was to be chopped up into smaller pieces and each piece of me placed under all the appropriate labels that could potentially fit.

Of course in certain situations, lables can help in some ways.  They can help us to try to understand, get others to understand. They can go some way to explaining.

But, as is so often the case, people allow these labels to define them, to define who they are and their actions.  But in allowing this to happen, it can go so far that, not only do they define the person, but that person shapes themselves to fit the label.  That the label can mould the person so that they fit, instead of being what they are whatever that may be.

This, is something we see a great deal of in relation to BDSM.  A whole host of labels of dominant, top, submissive, slave, switch, sadist, masochist. . . it really is endless.  And people all over the place are trying to place themselves under a label to "fit".  And yet, on top of that, there's the whole host of labels given to the relationship dynamics too ~ D/s, M/s, FLR, HOH, Vanilla etc etc etc  But, many relationships bring together aspects from different ones, and it then becomes almost an impossibility to use any label.

It is the same for people.

Or at least for me it is.

I know that I do not fit into the traditional "Domme" role.  I know and am fully aware that I have been dominant all of my life, I know that I am dominant and that I have the need for control and to be in control.  I have even had what for me I guess I can refer to as a "vanilla" relationship yet, it was still female led.  And yet, it didn't need to be labelled anything.  I don't believe that I, or my relationships need to be labelled as anything, because there isn't just one that fit.  There would be many. Things that describe the dynamic and the people within them, things that describe the characteristics of those within them . . .it cannot be just one.

When I first discovered all things "BDSM", I did explore in depth the labels that get thrown around.  What they mean. What they stand for.  And like so many, there was a time in the very early days that I even tried to apply them to myself, my wants, my needs, my relationships.  But then when we label, there is this pressure that we place on ourselves to change.  There is a pressure to "fit" under that label and what others think or believe is right or wrong.

As such, these labels then change us.  They do not represent who we are. And I strongly believe that they hinder me.  And I say me, because I know that for many, they live for labels and place themselves underneath them. 

So. For me. Labels went out of the window.

I am who I am.  And while I may not fit under what labels people try to pigeon hole me under, I fit into what is right for me.  I fit quite perfectly in my world.

I am me.  People can draw whatever conclusions they wish.  In fact, people will draw whatever conclusions they wish to even without the labels.

But I know what I like. What I don't. I know what I want.  What I don't. I know what I need from a relationship, what I need from another as well as from myself.  I don't need labels to tell me that.  I don't need to be defined or limited by such.

I have always known I was kinky.  And I mean, from earliest sexual fantasies. I have always been dominant. I have always been in control of my life, my actions and the things I do within it.  I have a need for that control and have to have it.  But, I also am aware that my needs in terms of relationships don't fall under any "label" either. 

It simply is, for me, a way of being.

Whether people think that certain aspects are D/s, M/s, "Vanilla", Femdom, FLR.  It doesn't ultimately matter.  Everyone will have differing beliefs and opinions as to what comes under what label anyway.  Everyone will have different definitions, everyone will have a different angle, a different approach. And that is ok . . .but it also means that labels themselves lose their value and their validity.

What fits under a label for one, will not for another.  So in that way, labels cannot really help.

Yes of course, they can have some positives in terms of helping to explain, to give some "idea", to help others understand.

But, labels can define us.  Labels can hinder us and limit us. But more so, we can find that we change to fit under certain labels, because others think that is how it should be.

It isn't. 

We just need to be true to ourselves.  Be happy with our way of being.  It doesn't need to be defined, or limited, or hindered.  Quite simply, it does not need to even be labelled.

So, let's just be.  Let's lose the labels!

Is it really vanilla?

"Many vanilla people are surprised to learn that S/M includes erotic spanks, scratches, and bites, which are amazingly common forms of erotic expression. They are also surprised to find out that S/M practitioners can fall in love, and that they enjoy conventional sex acts such as oral sex and intercourse."
Laura Goodwin

I don't know what it is, but it never fails to surprise me the amount of people who can be surprised at the thought that those of us into "this" lifestyle would have any interest in "conventional" sex acts, that we would do something that many would consider "vanilla", or for that matter, that we would actually have some emotional involvement and "fall in love". 

Why wouldn't we?

What is it about being into this lifestyle that precludes us from any of these things? 

There isn't.

For me, it isn't about the act itself that makes one particularly dominant or submissive. It isn't so much about the act which makes it particularly "vanilla" or otherwise.  For me, it is about the way it is done. The way it happens. The way it is controlled.

Some time ago, I wrote an entry titled "You can't be a real Domme" which I wrote in response to a comment left by a submissive male who suggested that I was not, nor could not be a "real" Domme, because I had expressed my enjoyment of sucking cock! 

Within that entry I wrote about how it isn't the act for me which is either dominant or submissive, but how it is controlled.  And it is the same for me in what people consider "conventional". 

I don't think that certain acts are limited to either a "vanilla" or "non-vanilla" relationship.  But then, just as I am not one for labelling people, I am not one who tries to label the relationships either, mine are quite simply for me, female led.  Bottom line.

It doesn't mean that because my relationships are female led that it means it can only include certain acts.  It doesn't mean that because I make the rules, that I make the decisions or that I am in control that I cannot suck cock, or that I cannot have conventional sex, or that I cannot fall in love or "feel"

I don't think that certain acts are only "vanilla" and I do not think that those that many would consider "vanilla" acts cannot feature within a dynamic which involves Domination and submission or even S&M either.

Of course they can. 

It still isn't so much about the act, it is about how it is done, how it works for the people involved.  There will be things that don't feature in either type of relationship, it is all about personal choice.  Doing what is right, what is wanted and not doing the things that we do not want to do.

I am a sadist. 

I have a love of hurting people. It gives me pleasure.  I like to do it.  But just because I like to hurt someone, doesn't mean that because I am not "vanilla", that I am not capable of feeling. That I am not capable of emotions and that I have not or do not want to "fall in love".  For me, it is an expression of feeling, of love.  I have no desire to hurt just anyone.

So why just because I am an "S&M practictioner", does it mean that I do not, or should not do the things that feature in most peoples "normal" (using that word very loosely) relationship?

It doesn't.

Even what I would class as my most "vanilla" of relationships have still involved many aspects of kink, even fetish. They have still involved many things that many would consider S&M.  But they have also involved a lot of "conventional" things too. 

And this is one of the reasons why I do not attempt to "label" my relationships, just as I do not try to label myself or what I am.  Yes it can help for us to have some sort of understanding.  But, they can also be so limiting.

I do not like to be limited and I won't be limited by labels nor by what I choose to do.  I won't be limited by people saying that certain things are "vanilla" and therefore I shouldn't be doing them. 

If I want to do something, I will.

If someone has a problem with that, it really is THEIR problem.

Not mine.

I think some people do have a hard job to understand how certain things that we choose to do can be an erotic expression. I think some find it hard to understand how hurting someone can be an expression of love or that it carries any emotion or feeling at all.  It is more to do with ignorance and a lack of understanding than anything else.

But, being in this lifestyle doesn't stop us doing certain things that everyone else does . . .it doesn't mean that we don't involve the "conventional" and it doesn't mean that we do not feel or cannot fall in love.

We do.

We can.

If I want to suck cock. I will. 

If I want to fuck. I will.

Quite simply, I will do what I want, if I want to do it. When I want to do it and how I want to do it.  Nothing to me is purely "vanilla".  It isn't about the act, its about how its done. It's about the emotion behind it.

All very simple really.

Wanted . . online sadist.

So, I was browsing some profiles on a BDSM site today and I came across a profile where someone had detailed in their profile "Wanted . . .online sadist"

Now, before we go further lets just look at the  dictionary definition of sadism . . .

sa·dism n.

1. The deriving of sexual gratification or the tendency to derive sexual gratification from inflicting pain or emotional abuse on others.

2. The deriving of pleasure, or the tendency to derive pleasure, from cruelty.

3. Extreme cruelty.

Now for me, my sadism, the very strong at times sadistic streak or the "beast" which often lies in wait to be let out could never be gratified by being an "online sadist". Actually, is it even possible for someone to be an "online sadist"?  Those sadistic needs of mine, the beast within, could never be fulfilled or quietened by anything "online" full stop.

Now, yes I derive pleasure from hurting another. 

I do.

I have no reason to hide that fact, nor do I want to. 

I have a sadistic need.

There are things about being sadistic, about sadistic acts, about sadism in general that meets the needs that I have. 

I want it. I need it. I love it.

It isn't about causing harm, (and I'm not going to get into the debate or thoughts of it being "abuse"). It is about causing hurt. It is about inflicting pain.  My own sadistic need reacts in different ways to different people.  At times it can be something that just lies quietly beneath the surface, that I do not feel drawn to hurting that person, but at others it can be like a raging beast, and the need to then hurt becomes considerable.

It fulfils a need that I have within me. 

Sometimes it is sexually related in that yes, hurting another turns me on, it makes me wet, it arouses me. Seeing another in pain, taking that pain, crying from pain, or having their own masochistic needs met matches those of my own sadistic needs. However, I also derive a non sexual gratification from inflicting that pain, in that it fulfills in an emotional or "mental" way. 

But the important word here in all of this in terms of the sadism and sadistic needs is INFLICTING.

My need is met by the physical infliction, by carrying out the inflicting the pain physically myself, by carrying out the act itself.  Not telling someone else to do it, not telling someone to do it to themselves but ME doing it. Me hurting. Me causing that pain.

Now, I know that my needs, sexual, mental, emotional or otherwise as a sadist could never be met "online".  Is it possible to be an "online sadist" . . .I guess anything is possible if that is what they want to label themselves as. At the end of the day, labels only carry any meaning to the person themselves as they mean so many different things to many people. 



Bad Boy Gets a Birching by Alphonse Friaux

 But to me, being sadistic, having the sadistic needs met, this (to me and for me) means physically inflicting that pain, whether it be by hand, crop, whip or clamp, it is about physically carrying out the act and physically hurting the other person.  

Not me telling them to do it. Not watching someone else do it (although at times I can find it sexually arousing watching someone inflict pain on another)

I know that for me, I could never find any gratification in telling someone on the other side of a computer screen to hurt themselves. 

In that, they are just then following orders, but their mind will also prevent them from inflicting a pain beyond a level they control. As part of my sadism, comes the need to control, to control the act, to control the situation, to control the level of pain that is inflicted.

Yes I can understand how someone telling another person to inflict pain touches part of the sadistic need, after all someone is feeling pain, but you are not physically inflicting it, you are not yourself as the sadist inflicting that pain, so the gratification being derived from that will never ever come close to physically wielding the whip or whatever implement or "hitty" thing that you want to use.

Of course from a distance you can inflict emotional sadism, and this is a completely different ballgame altogether.  In fact, emotional sadism and emotional masochism are not a game to be taken lightly, in fact, it isn't a "game" to play at, at all in all honesty. 

It is something that can have very detrimental and negative responses if not "used" correctly.  Stepping into the arena of emotional masochism is certainly never something someone should ever take lightly, (I will write about that another time as it is something that interests me and has interested me for a long time) but, for me, the sadistic need is fulfilled by inflicting that pain, by causing that pain, by witnessing the reactions of the person I am hurting.  I want to see their pain, feel their pain, I want to see the look on their face, the expressions from their eyes, I want to hear their cries, hear the screams, I want to see the tears that fall and I want to be able to hold them after it all.

That is something that can never be felt "online", that just cannot be done "online". 

Now there is a place for some, for these "online" whatevers . . .but, they just are not, nor can they ever be, the same as reality, the same as they are if you step out from behind that screen and do it "for real" . . . from either side.

They don't compare.  They are different.  Different situations, different relationships, different dynamics to meet different needs.

I'm not saying that the way my needs are met is right or wrong, that the way "online" peoples needs are met are right or wrong.  I am saying what works for me, what doesn't work for me . . .what is right for me.

Now, before everyone "jumps" I am quite aware that some people have their needs met or can only extend to something "online", that for some it is all that they want to "explore", it is often how they dip their toes into the world of BDSM, how they find an understanding and how they learn, we can all get something from online resources, but in terms of "dynamics", in terms of anything else if that works for them fine . . . but for me, no. It doesn't. It isn't reality. 

I am not saying those who get their gratification online are wrong, that my way is better than theirs.  I am not saying anything is superior to the other.   What works for you fine.  But, it does piss me off when people try to compare.

They don't compare. They couldn't ever compare.  How can they? They are very different, so very different

And so an. . "online sadist" ?

Not me. Not now.

Not ever.







.

"You need a sub/slave . . . "

If I had a £ for everytime someone says to me "You need a sub or slave" I would be one very rich dominant woman. 

I hear it countless times when I mention that I am doing any number of domestic chores, when I mention that I have had to do anything from the gardening, to cleaning the car, to making a cup of tea. 

It seems that "some" believe that a sub or slave is the answer but seem locked into this fantasy thinking that Dominant women shouldn't be doing such things.  Oh if there was no such thing as "real life" as the "daily grind" then I am sure that we wouldn't be . .that I wouldn't be but . . .daily life is real, it does include the daily grind and as such it means that there are things that need doing . . .that have to be done regardless of our "persuasion", regardless of who we are.

And it maybe the case that having a houseboy, a service sub/slave would indeed make life easier, would indeed free up so much of my time that I could then focus that time on the relationship and dynamic, but it is getting to that point which is something that takes time, that takes care and isn't something which can ever be so simple as the words "you need a sub or slave"

Why is it that some, think that I shouldn't be doing these things? 

Being Dominant doesn't mean that you go through life without doing these things.

It doesn't mean that I am not capable of doing it, in fact I am more than capable of doing it all, that as a single parent I am totally used to doing it all.  It isn't a case of needing someone to do it. 

Doesn't mean to say it wouldn't be bliss not to have to do it all, doesn't mean that life wouldn't "benefit" from having a service sub, "slave" or any other title you want to give someone.  It doesn't mean that having someone to do these things wouldn't make things a whole lot easier . . .it would.

Yes I may want one. Yes I may desire one.

But do I need one for "domestic" reasons?

No. I don't need. 

Like? Desire? Yes maybe so . . .

If only it were that simple eh? 

Unfortunately, for those who live in the real world, we know all too well that it is not an easy answer, we know all too well that it isn't as easy as just "getting a sub or slave".  

I don't just want a submissive to do the ironing. I don't just want a submissive to clean the car or bring me tea in the mornings . . .the whole dynamic, the whole relationship is so much more than that, but to get to that whole much more takes time, and when you don't have a lot of time in life, it can be a viscious circle at times.

But, I know what I want.

I know what I don't. 

And yes I may need a sub.

But I need a whole lot more besides and that is what makes it less than easy, because I know that what I want isn't what many do want.  Although I read so many blogs of submissive men wishing their OH was dominant, wishing they would take on the "lead" in an FLR and it seems the submissives that I cross paths with, like the fantasy but not the reality, or do not want to take their submissive beyond the threshold of the bedroom. 

And I want and need more than that. And I want and need someone who wants and needs this just as much as I do.

Otherwise it doesn't work.

It just isn't that simple as "you need a sub".

Dismissive or Indifference

The boy will often comment on how dismissive I am.

Dismissive of his feelings, dismissive of his frustrations, his longings, his wants. Dismissive of how long he has been denied for, dismissive of how much he may long for something. 

He is right.

I know that I can be very dismissive.

I know that I AM dismissive. 

But being dismissive isn't the same thing in my opinion as being indifferent.  I may be very dismissive of many things as far as the boy is concerned, but I am not indifferent.

It isn't because I do not care. 

I do. 

Would I do all that I do if I didn't?  Would I waste my time? My energy?
Of course I wouldn't!

The definition of indifference (noun) or Indifferent (adjective) is without care or interest: showing no care or concern for or interest in somebody or something. 

While I may show no concern at the boys feelings, at his frustrations, I do in fact "care", care about how he feels, care about how is feeling, care about how I make him feel. 

There will be times when he will do things and that I will not take a lot of notice of what he is doing, for example, I may have him worship my feet while watching TV or reading, not acknowledging what he is doing. 

This isn't indifference either, because even though I may pay no attention, I do care about what he is doing, I care how he does it, I care that he does it right. Just because I do not choose to acknowledge his actions, that isn't my being indifferent.

Being dismissive is in my opinion so very different than being indifferent. The defintion of dismissive (adjective) or dismiss (transitive verb) is a refusal to consider or give consideration to something.

And that is exactly what I do.

If the boy tells me he is frustrated and I just say "Oh well", it is my refusing to give consideration to those frustrations and ultimately the things that I know he is longing for. 

It isn't because I do not care he is frustrated, it isn't because I do not "care" about the boy. 

I think people often get dismissiveness and indifference confused and that sometimes people bring into the mix the lack of acknowledgement of something to be either someone being dismissive or indifferent.  And I think they are all different things.

I am dismissive of the boy. I am often dismissive of his feelings. But I am not indifferent. 

I DO care.

If I didn't care then my response to him would be very different. 

And it would be more a case of this . .

"May I have permission to do X Mistress ?"
"Do what you want."

"But if I do this, is that ok?"
"whatever"

"May I do this for you"
"Only if you want . . . "

Now that is being indifferent.

Now that is not caring.

To me, if I were to be indifferent, it would be because I didn't care and if I didn't care then I wouldn't be bothered, and such a situation is what leads to the downfall of any relationship. That cannot be bothered situation. That I don't care what you do or what happens. 

But I do care. Care about what happens, what he does and indeed how he does it.  If I didn't care, it wouldn't bother me what the boy did, how he did it, it wouldn't bother me if he did something wrong or didn't listen to instructions and follow them through.  But it DOES bother me. I DO care about all of those things.

And so when the boy mentioned the other night that I seemed to have gotten more strict, that I seemed to not letting the boy get away with anything, that is how it should be.  If I were to let him "get away with it", then that would be my showing indifference.

My showing that I really actually do not care. 

I read a blog somewhere the other day and forgive the fact that I cannot link to it, where the submissive had said "She punishes me because she cares" and that is exactly it. 

If I didn't punish, it would be because I didn't actually care what the boy did, it would be my being indifferent. 

Letting things "go", isn't caring, it isn't showing someone more love or being kinder, it is in reality, letting things slip.

It shows an indifference.

A lack of caring. A lack of concern. 

I don't think "letting things go" within any relationship, but certainly not a D/s or even an FLR relationship is an expression of affection, love, concern, or control.

And it is indifference which is often the start to the downward turn of a relationship, the point when you stop caring is the point where things stop working. It is the point where you just don't give a shit about what happens or in what way.

So, yes, I may be dismissive.

But I am not indifferent.

And if I were.

It would be the end of whatever it was.

And I wouldn't care that it was.

Punishment NOT "funishment"

mo

I was quite amused when having asked the boy if he was sure he wanted to be allowed to edge that I told him that he could do so by not using his hands but humping a cushion instead. 

I could tell by the short silence that followed his response that he wasn’t expecting that, and also, in that short moment of no response, I knew the boy was feeling pissed off that he was, on one hand, being given the opportunity to edge, but that he wasn’t allowed to touch and that the only way he could do so was by doing the humping a cushion.

I knew what he was thinking, I knew he was pissed off (and the boy admitted it when I directly asked him!) but I also knew that by being made to edge in this way, would also touch on some feelings of humiliation for him.

His response however, was “I will take my punishment!”

But, this wasn’t a punishment, being allowed to edge through whatever means isn’t a punishment, it is a reward.  And it pleases Me that he edges but that he is denied longer from being able to touch himself.  I know that is what he wanted to do perhaps more than anything, that it may not wholly be so much about missing the feelings that come from doing so, but more so the act itself.

So, I decided to ensure that if he made any mess he was not to clean up but leave it on the pillow so that if there was any wetness, he would be reminded of it when he went to bed, the dampness on his face, the smell of his own self drifting up his nose.  Was any of that a punishment? No.

My D/s relationships include punishment.  I do not play at punishment for fun. I do not do “funishment”.  I don’t do a “you’re a naughty boy” *giggle* and a quick *thwack* that for me is not what punishment is about. Punishment is a penalty for getting something wrong. 

Punish

-          verb (used with object)

1.        to subject to pain, loss, confinement, death etc, as a penalty for some offense, transgression, or fault: to punish a criminal.

2.        to inflict a penalty for (an offense, fault, etc.): to punish theft

Take out death. Obviously.

I don’t like to use corporal punishment often as punishment.  It is often too close to things which are “scene” or for want of a better word “play”.  Also, if the sub has a masochistic tendency I will use CP even less because it moves away from them doing things wrong simply to receive punishment. And the punishment in that case becomes a pleasure.  Punishment does NOT equal pleasure.  There should not be ANY pleasure in receiving a punishment.  This then leads on to subs doing things to be punished, to meet said mashochistic needs . .  .

not only is that topping from the bottom and a complete NO! it also takes away from the dynamic that exists.  It is being a brat. I don't do brats. I don't do bratty behaviour. End of.

The boy shouldn’t enjoy a punishment, it should be boring, tedious, or something that serves to remind him and yes to . . .punish.  There is of course the conversation about what went wrong, about what the punishment is for or to what it relates . . .these things are a matter of course, and very important if the transgression or the “offence” is particularly serious. 

I don’t see that punishments are a deterrent.  There are all of those arguments that everyone is an adult and we as adults do not need to be punished.  I use them. I like them and it is my opinion that they have a very important place in an FLR, an O & P or even a D/s dynamic.  It may not be what you do, but it is what I do. Neither is right, neither is wrong, but what is right for me is what is right for me and is what counts for Me.

I use them. Why? 

Because they reinforce the dynamic.  Does the dynamic always need reinforcing? No, not always I do not think it does, but there are times, when  it is important that everyone within that dynamic are reminded of their place, and that a punishment is a concrete consequence for any transgression or “offence” or a break in the rules.

They act for the sub as a penance, they take their punishment, and know that the matter is closed. There is nothing worse than a sub having done something wrong going over and over it in their minds, worrying about what it is that they have done, that they have wronged the Dominant.  Yes they have done something wrong . . .punishment and its over, it gives them closure.  And, I do not want a whining sub who is moping around because they know they have done something wrong.  I want them to realise they have, accept the punishment and then simply to not do it again.  This goes back again to the fact of I don’t do “funishment”.

I don’t use punishment to make him obey. 

I don’t believe punishments within my relationships can work in that way.  If someone obeys simply to avoid punishment or in fact actually has a need for punishment to make him feel submissive enough to obey, then the motivation for submitting is for me, not the right one.  It is then external and not an internal need and I do not believe that is manageable, sustainable within a D/s dynamic.

It may be ok for some.

It isn’t for me. It’s not what I want.

Why?

Because that approach to a D/s dynamic creates a whole bunch of work for the Dominant.  I then end up serving his needs, and coming up with ways to keep him motivated to serve.  It is not in any way selfless serving, it is self gratification, there to meet his needs and desires.  The desire to obey should be because “it makes my Dominant happy”, if he isn’t doing it for that reason, if there are other motivations behind his serving, then it doesn’t work for me. 

I want my sub, my boy to have a desire to selflessly serve, that his actions, his wants, his desires are to make ME happy and to accept any punishment that may come his way if on a rare occasion he fails.

There is the punishment in “play”, and that is completely separate and different to this type of punishment I am talking about here. 

I don’t actually like having to give punishments.  Why?

Because it means he has failed at something. It means he has done something wrong.  I don’t like to see my boy fail. I don’t like to see my boy get it wrong.  I also know the feelings that come to someone when they do get it wrong, that intense sense and feelings of dread knowing that you have displeased is often far worse than the punishment the sub may receive anyway.  I want him always to be positive in his serving. I want him to succeed and be the best that he can. I want my boy to do well, because in his doing well it makes me happy, it makes him happy . . .it makes us both happy.    

I so strongly believe that if all is working as it should, if things are as they should be, that my boy would feel so bad at failing, that he would feel so strongly that he had displeased that, that is enough in itself to be a deterrent. It isn’t the punishment itself that is the deterrent.  But, in saying that, I will, as mentioned above, for the reasons above, punish, mainly to bring the matter to a close, so that he has his penance, he has his closure.  I do not want my boy to beat himself up about what he has done and why, I want him to realise it, I want him to atone for it, and I want it left in that moment at the time of punishment.   It is over, it is done and it is finished.

I would and do get despondent if a sub fails at a few things in a row, but it also means that something is not quite right and that in turn comes back to what I wrote above, about the motivation of the submissive, are they doing things wrong to get a punishment? If they are, there isn’t anywhere to go from there for me.  I don’t respond to such and I don’t need such a motivation within a D/s relationship. 

I want my boy's motivation to be about pleasing me, because he wants to selflessly serve and to please, NOT because I am there to serve his needs by punishing him.

As such, punishments should be mundane, tedious, boring.   I don’t make punishments that are fun for me because I would not want my boy to see the pleasure he may get from seeing me being pleased with the punishment he is on the receiving end of . . . because then . . . he is getting enjoyment and that is NOT what it is about.  It defeats the whole purpose of the punishment.  It isn’t about pleasure.  Giving punishments isn’t pleasurable. But I use them, I think there is a place for them and they work for me. End of.

So, when the boy said last night “I will take my punishment”, being told to hump a pillow instead of being allowed to masturbate and edge through touch wasn’t a punishment.  It was simply . . .ultimately I didn’t want him to touch yet knew how desperate he was to edge, to be able to touch.  It was like giving with one hand and taking with the other . . .

Permission to edge . . .but not to touch. 

I wanted to see his frustration, I wanted to sense his feelings and reactions.  I knew he would be pissed off. I knew he would even feel angry at not being allowed to do what he wanted.  I did it because I could and because I wanted to.  I did it because I knew he would feel frustrated and may even wish he had said "no" when I asked him if he was sure.  I wanted him to realise that saying yes doesn't mean he will get exactly what he wants, but that he will get . . .that he will do what I want. 

I knew he was pissed off with me.  I don't care.  I knew he was frustated.  I don't care.  I knew how much he wanted to touch himself and how I took that away from him.  It wasn't a punishment.  It was because I wanted to.  I still find it amusing that he thought it was a punishment, amusing he was frustrated and pissed off.  Amused that he felt humiliated at humping a pillow.  Had I been there I would have laughed even more at him.

But, this wasn't a punishment. 

This isn't or wasn't about him. 

Because after all, itt isn't about him.

Is it?