07 October 2011

Is it really vanilla?

"Many vanilla people are surprised to learn that S/M includes erotic spanks, scratches, and bites, which are amazingly common forms of erotic expression. They are also surprised to find out that S/M practitioners can fall in love, and that they enjoy conventional sex acts such as oral sex and intercourse."
Laura Goodwin

I don't know what it is, but it never fails to surprise me the amount of people who can be surprised at the thought that those of us into "this" lifestyle would have any interest in "conventional" sex acts, that we would do something that many would consider "vanilla", or for that matter, that we would actually have some emotional involvement and "fall in love". 

Why wouldn't we?

What is it about being into this lifestyle that precludes us from any of these things? 

There isn't.

For me, it isn't about the act itself that makes one particularly dominant or submissive. It isn't so much about the act which makes it particularly "vanilla" or otherwise.  For me, it is about the way it is done. The way it happens. The way it is controlled.

Some time ago, I wrote an entry titled "You can't be a real Domme" which I wrote in response to a comment left by a submissive male who suggested that I was not, nor could not be a "real" Domme, because I had expressed my enjoyment of sucking cock! 

Within that entry I wrote about how it isn't the act for me which is either dominant or submissive, but how it is controlled.  And it is the same for me in what people consider "conventional". 

I don't think that certain acts are limited to either a "vanilla" or "non-vanilla" relationship.  But then, just as I am not one for labelling people, I am not one who tries to label the relationships either, mine are quite simply for me, female led.  Bottom line.

It doesn't mean that because my relationships are female led that it means it can only include certain acts.  It doesn't mean that because I make the rules, that I make the decisions or that I am in control that I cannot suck cock, or that I cannot have conventional sex, or that I cannot fall in love or "feel"

I don't think that certain acts are only "vanilla" and I do not think that those that many would consider "vanilla" acts cannot feature within a dynamic which involves Domination and submission or even S&M either.

Of course they can. 

It still isn't so much about the act, it is about how it is done, how it works for the people involved.  There will be things that don't feature in either type of relationship, it is all about personal choice.  Doing what is right, what is wanted and not doing the things that we do not want to do.

I am a sadist. 

I have a love of hurting people. It gives me pleasure.  I like to do it.  But just because I like to hurt someone, doesn't mean that because I am not "vanilla", that I am not capable of feeling. That I am not capable of emotions and that I have not or do not want to "fall in love".  For me, it is an expression of feeling, of love.  I have no desire to hurt just anyone.

So why just because I am an "S&M practictioner", does it mean that I do not, or should not do the things that feature in most peoples "normal" (using that word very loosely) relationship?

It doesn't.

Even what I would class as my most "vanilla" of relationships have still involved many aspects of kink, even fetish. They have still involved many things that many would consider S&M.  But they have also involved a lot of "conventional" things too. 

And this is one of the reasons why I do not attempt to "label" my relationships, just as I do not try to label myself or what I am.  Yes it can help for us to have some sort of understanding.  But, they can also be so limiting.

I do not like to be limited and I won't be limited by labels nor by what I choose to do.  I won't be limited by people saying that certain things are "vanilla" and therefore I shouldn't be doing them. 

If I want to do something, I will.

If someone has a problem with that, it really is THEIR problem.

Not mine.

I think some people do have a hard job to understand how certain things that we choose to do can be an erotic expression. I think some find it hard to understand how hurting someone can be an expression of love or that it carries any emotion or feeling at all.  It is more to do with ignorance and a lack of understanding than anything else.

But, being in this lifestyle doesn't stop us doing certain things that everyone else does . . .it doesn't mean that we don't involve the "conventional" and it doesn't mean that we do not feel or cannot fall in love.

We do.

We can.

If I want to suck cock. I will. 

If I want to fuck. I will.

Quite simply, I will do what I want, if I want to do it. When I want to do it and how I want to do it.  Nothing to me is purely "vanilla".  It isn't about the act, its about how its done. It's about the emotion behind it.

All very simple really.


  1. I always love, how you are true to what you believe and yourself. So many people try to fit into what society says, or even what the "scene" says.

    You are right. It is about what we want. And if anyone has a problem with it, it IS their problem. I love how you so freely voice this!

    As always, A

  2. A, thank you for taking the time to comment. I believe that I would rather be out of a relationship than in one that doesn't meet needs. To thine own self be true is something I always try to live by. This is no different.

    Best wishes, Kat

  3. How very true.

    It is always about the way it is done that is important. Part of the trouble lies with people who are not true to themselves and instead judge people by pre conceived ideas.

    I love the fact that you are very clear in what you want and will not compromise on that ideal. I thought that th erole of submissive was to do whatever he could to make his/her Mistress happy, but was not there to judge or dictate what acts would make the person happy.

    I love your writings and never be compromised.

  4. Stalignite,

    Many thanks for your taking the time to comment on my blog, it is appreciated. It is nice to know they are enjoyable.

    I think being clear in what we want, helps us to not be drawn into something which really isn't what we want. We know the submissive, and indeed the dominant or even sadistic need can scream very loudly at times and staying true at such times can be difficult. To me tho, it just isn't worth it.

    Once again, sincere thanks

    Best wishes, Kat