Life...

The daily grind of life so often gets in the way of things we'd like to be doing, want to be doing, would love to be doing.  This is certainly the case for me right now where the fact I'm working on 3 very big projects one after the other has meant I've got little time to write, to relax or even to breathe!

The working days are long, hitting 18-20 hours every day for the past few weeks and for the foreseeable, and it's tiring and draining, but thank goodness I love my job. 

I'm on countdown to when I shall be on holiday and while a beach holiday is not normally my thing, in a matter of weeks I shall be relaxing on a beach, a book in hand and trying to unwind from the stresses of the weeks.

In fact, this will be my "home office" for almost two weeks, except we shall get to explore a beautiful new island that we've not had the pleasure of visiting, but I know that both mini man and I will so be ready for this holiday, probably more than usual as we've normally had at least one by now.

The daily grind of life has prevented me from being able to give time to anything else too right now, mini man is approaching his exams, work load is seriously high, the house is filled with stresses.  Oh, how using a paddle on a bare behind would be quite welcome now, a wonderful way to de-stress, but alas, that isn't a possibility either.

Instead, life is just life right now. 

Chaotically busy, missing lots of things right now, but that is how it goes. 

It is as it is, and we have to take and accept these things as being this way.  I know that often people do not understand the commitments that I may have, or the way that I work, to the level that I do.  But this is how it is.

Fuck it . . .

I can't quite process *this*, I can't shake images from my head that have crept in.  I can't seem to escape the conversation we had only a few hours before. 

The "what if's" torture the mind.  What if I had known. What if I could have done something. What if I didn't do enough. 

Fuck you what if's. 

There's lots of things I can't quite process right now. I honestly don't know why life has a way of merrily going along, with lots of wonderful things and lots of positives and then out of nowhere it throws shit at full force.  And the wonderful, it disappears as quickly as it started!

Fuck it!

I spent this morning at an emergency specialist appointment for my son, no waiting for normal referrals here.  As if he hasn't had enough battling with his health in his life, it seems as if other issues are creeping in now too.

Fuck life!

Fuck the what if's, fuck it. Fuck you life!

Fuck it all!!!!!

What was, now isn't and what never will be.

There are, some days throughout the year that I really think we could do without.

Mothers Day is one of them.

There are so many people who struggle with such a day, those who have lost their mothers or those who have never really known them, those who cannot be mothers themselves, those who have tried to become a Mum and  cannot, or have tried and have lost, those who have had children and have suffered the heart-breaking loss.

It brings a whole host of emotions and pain, sadness and anger to the surface, a time when people silently struggle with what this day is and their own conflicted feelings.

For me, it is a harsh reminder of the void that exists since my Mum passed away, it is a sad reminder that it was this time of year that we received the news that her illness was terminal and there was literally nothing they could do.  We didn't have a great relationship when I was growing up during my teen years, mainly following the separation of my parents, but from my late teens after the death of my much younger brother, we developed a relationship that blossomed.  In adulthood she was a rock, she was a great support and more than that, she was my best friend.  And even now, many years later, not a day goes past without my missing the fact I cannot pick up the phone to talk to her, to share news, to catch up.  I miss her.

I may have grieved, but her loss is still so deeply felt and this day doesn't stop the feelings returning, the sense of loss and the void that exists without her being here. The memories of her suffering and how much life changed after she'd gone. 

This day, is a harsh reminder that I was there with her, holding her hand as she took her last breath from this world, but it is also a reminder that I was there when someone so tiny was coming into this world, . . .into my world and yet never got to take a breath. 

This day is tinged with a sense of sadness and loss, a stark reminder of what was once there and is no longer and a harsh reminder of what could have been (however long ago it may have been) and yet, never will be.

And yet, there is something quite wonderful - I am a Mum. 

I am blessed by the wonderful son that I have and this is something I treasure so deeply.  He makes me proud every single day as I watch him grow into the wonderful young man that he is.  I am forever thankful and blessed that in being his Mum I have been able to learn what real love truly is. 

And for that reminder, I am thankful.

I am blessed and I know I am deeply lucky and yet the other feelings that sometimes creep (and which sometimes come full force like a fucking tsunami) to the surface on a day like today, tinges the most wonderful with sadness, with a sense of loss.

Such dissonant feelings that get pushed to the surface for one day. 

A reminder of what was and now isn't; a reminder of the potential but what will never be; but also a reminder of the wonderful for which I will always be thankful.

Missing the sunrise

 

It seems a lifetime ago that I was waking up in the mornings, walking the dogs over the deserted dunes watching the sun rise up over them, walking for miles before the town awoke, only the dogs, the birds and the wild rabbits out for their early mornings before being disturbed by the campers, day trippers and holidaymakers.  It is hard to believe that it is only four weeks ago.

Life continues to be busy, hectic. Stressful. Finding the time to do what I enjoy doing, has been difficult.  And even having taken several months away from writing, from doing lots of things, getting back into it hasn't been as easy either.

And as you will know from some of my previous blogs, I have a thing for sunsets (I've posted lots of my own pictures) such as these

but, I also like watching the sunrise too . . .and so . . .here is the one from the early morning dog walk, over the deserted dunes as the sun is just starting to come up.

I love it when it is like this, the first bit of warmth as it hits your skin, opposite to the last bit of warmth that you get from the sun going down.  Sunsets, sunrises can be quite breathtakingly beautiful and while I am looking forward to the ones we shall see in Turkey later this summer, it is always nice when they are closer to home.

We were blessed with some nice weather, which in May for the UK is quite unusual, especially as most of the country was drowning under yet more rain, we were blessed with sun.  Yes it was windy, but there is something quite lovely about watching the sea crashing over the rocks when its more of a stormy day, watching as the spray goes high up into the air and floating off into the breeze.

And I would give anything to be back there right now, walking while the sun rises, down on the beach as the sunsets.  Peaceful. Relaxed. Away from the daily grind and the things which drag us into things that need to be sorted but which are so continually draining.

Still . . .6 weeks and we shall be on the plane.  Going back to one of my favourite places, warmth, a beautiful beach, and beautiful sunsets.  While I won't be seeing many sunrises, or walking the dogs over the dunes, I am sure there will be some chance for some peaceful moments. Surrounded by the mountains, the sea, the beach.  Sometimes you just have to take a step back from the life we are in, back to the basics and what is around us.

Taking time to smell the roses.  I need to do it more often, as I know all too well, life is too short. 

Life . . .

 . . .gets in the way huh?!

It certainly has for me of late, weeks have been busy with "life", with work, with all sorts of things . . .and then of course the holiday.  Although it was touch and go right up until the afternoon before we were due to travel after the mini man had a bit of an "accident" playing football the weekend before we were due to fly on the wednesday, and suffered a fractured elbow.  Not the greatest start to his return to playing football, having suffered an almost season long injury!

So, it was all very stressful, mixed with hospital appointments, a crazy work schedule and a week long school trip for mini man before we travelled ourselves.

I would like to say that our trip to Italy was 2 weeks of total bliss and relaxation . . .it wasn't, but Italy was fabulous!

I fell in love with Rome, and Venice was simply beautiful even though I had not felt drawn to it before we went.  I didn't enjoy the time at the Lake, but that wasn't because it wasn't beautiful.  We were blessed by beautiful weather, too hot on some days to do the things we really wanted, but with some wonderful Cities to visit, we could only touch the surface of the wonderful things to do and see.  It has certainly opened the door to repeat visits in the future, but seeing some of the wonderful sights of Rome and Venice and indeed Verona, where we travelled to from the lake to see the Amphitheatre and of course home to Romeo and Juliet!

Lots of wonderful food, some marvellous Italian wines, the most wonderful gelato you could ever eat.  But, it's been a while since we have travelled in Europe, and the prices have increased dramatically.  But, it was a wonderful trip, but very busy, so since returning we've been trying to "recover".

It is of course the season of holidays, end of school years but this time for us an end of a school "era" as mini man will move to secondary school in September.  It has been a whole round of school meetings, visits to the new school and now we are faced with a new uniform list that will no doubt cost us around £500, because yes, they really need two reversible rugby shirts, because yes, it really is possible to wear more than one at a time!

Gone are the days when you could buy plain white sports t-shirts, no, the school he is going to has now introduced specific items of uniform, all of them neatly embroidered with the school badge or colours and logo, and of course it takes it to being 4 times the price!

Still, I am incredibly proud of mini man, the results he achieved at his tests and also the end of year report that he brought home to me.  He whowever was disappointed, disappointed that he missed out on a specific grade by 1 mark. Even though the level he was at, isn't what is expected until at least another year . . .for him it wasn't good enough.  He reminds me very much of myself and how I was at school.  The perfectionist and who would never be happy with settling for anything less, trying the hardest was simply never good enough. 

I can see the pattern within him, even though I try all the time to get him to relax and not get stuck into that same pattern.  Nothing wrong with aiming high, but as long as he tries his hardest and does his best, then I hope that he will be happy. However, the competitiveness within him always makes him want to push himself a whole lot harder.

So, tomorrow is the last day of the school year, an end of year treat for him and 15 friends who are going to be picked up from school in a stretch limo, driven around and then head off for dinner, where we will be joined by another 4 children!  We must be mad!

Still, not a day . . not a moment goes by when I am not incredibly proud of the young man that grows before me, of the things that he does, the things that he achieves, but more so for the person that he is.  It can be a lot of pressure at times, being a single parent.  But I am lucky that we are incredibly close and have a wonderful relationship ~ as those teen years approach, I hope it continues!

So, it's been chaos, life has been chaotic.  Whether things will ease of a bit who knows.  As such, I haven't had time to blog, the writers block continues to be there and the motivation to write hasn't really been fired, however, I did finally decide that I really must get back into it. A book will not write itself!

And there has been some interesting contact recently on a "D/s" front, some very interesting conversations which has given real food for thought.

I really must make some time to taste such delights . . .

Bittersweet moments

Three years ago today we were told that it was cancer.

Three years ago, we were told it was terminal and that there was very little they could do.

What a cruel twist of fate that this day, three years later is Mothers Day.  A day that is already so incredibly difficult made even harder.  Life changed in so many ways when we received this news.  And it changed in ways I couldn't comprehend or even prepare for.

Nothing can prepare you for how it will feel being with someone when they take their last breath.  I had been by the side of one of my grandmothers many years ago when she did just that, but with my Mum, it was oh so different.  While I will be forever thankful that I was there when she left this world, I know that I will be forever haunted with that memory, that I am forever haunted with her words of "I cannot do this anymore" when she asked to be sedated just a few hours before she finally went on to die. 

Her final goodbyes ring out in my ears.  I clutch onto the letter that she wrote to me before she passed, the only thing I physically have left to hold onto. 

I hate that she suffered so much.  I hate that she could have had so many more years, to share with us.  I hate how we have been cheated out of this time, out of having such a wonderfully strong and beautiful woman be there as we all move forward, my son has lost his most wonderful nan, and I have lost the person who was more than just my mum.  Someone who was so beyond my best friend.

Today is incredibly bittersweet, I am blessed to be a Mum.  The most wonderful thing in the world, and for that I am thankful each and every day.  But today, on Mothers  Day, I feel the loss of my Mum intensely.  I know that no matter how many years pass by, that I will be forever feeling that loss.

Life, family. Nothing is the same without her here.

I wish I had some sort of belief which would enable me to picture her in a better place, where I could envisage her free from the pain that she suffered.  I wish I could have some sort of belief that we would at some time, in some way, be reunited.

All I have are the pictures, but more so the memories and it is those memories that keep her forever close. 

My heart is her home. She will live there forever.

word cloud

Have just spent some time helping mini man with his homework this evening, and we decided to do something different for his literacy and ventured into doing a word cloud for the subject he is studying.  It led me to do a wordcloud for my blog  . . .as a person who loves words, love how they form and sound, the feelings and emotions behind them, it was interesting to see the word cloud that came from my blog here . . .

It did make me smile the words that stood out more than the others . . .

Good fun these word clouds lol

Time flies . .

And I don't know where to at times.

Days seem to roll into weeks, weeks into months all too quickly.  And before you know it, the end of another year is already in sight, the changing of another season, the start of another school year.  The approaching of another birthday of both myself and mini man, is another reminder of just how quickly life can pass.

The holiday of last week already seems like a distant memory, (don't you just hate it when that happens!) but we have come back to the full onslaught of mini man's new school year, the start of his sporting season, getting back to work.  The whole daily routine of the "daily grind" but I have come back this time with a head full of thoughts, of ideas, of things I want to do, to change, to happen.

The trip away was lovely though. 

Blessed by good weather, time spent with mini man and the dogs, walking along the beach early in the morning, late in the evening. Watching the sun rise over the sand dunes, watching it set over the sea. A chance to take some wonderful pics (and I do love my sunset pics!) and a chance to relax, to write, to unwind, to think and to reflect.

I don't know about anyone else, but the passing of the time, at the speed it passes makes me stop and think.  Think about things (and people) from the past, from the present and thoughts for the future. 

Many different things have happened recently which have made me stop and think even more.  They have made me look upon my own situation, of where I am in life and to see the things that I want to change, need to change, as well as the things that I hope or want, or need to be different.

Thoughts about things that have been, things happening now, things and thoughts for the future.  Not all of the thoughts have been good.  Not all of the thoughts have been about positive things.  Some of them have been tinged with sadness, touched by the "what if's"; thought about but let go. But thought about just the same.

The holiday of last week, a time of relaxing and just taking a break certainly gave us that break, we had fun, the dogs enjoyed it too (their first trip to the beach!) but it opened up the door to me for lots of time to sit, to think, to reflect ~ something that is often a rare commodity for me.  But as such, it has left me in a place of so many things to consider about the future. Some pretty big changes or what would be changes if I decide to go down certain paths.  It is now being able to be sure that the decisions I will make will be the right ones. Right for now, for the future and in all of the right ways. 

But serious decisions, need serious thought.  This is not a time for impulsive reactions. Not a time to make snap decisions about things which would be pretty life changing.

The break of the holiday did give me some chance to write, to ease the "bloggers block" that has been with me over recent weeks.  I even have some blog entries to add along with some of the pictures that I took while away.  I also took the time to write by hand, something I haven't done for a long while, but something which gives an opportunity for much deeper reflection.

Reflecting is good, thinking is good.  But I now have so many things to think about, and that can be hard.  It makes it hard to have a clear head to make the decision, to make sure it is the right decision.  I know that when I make them, it will be for the right reasons, only time can tell of course whether those decisions will ultimately be right.

I certainly have very clear ideas about some things certainly, others however are less clear.  But time brings clarity. I know I will have that soon!

God, I need a holiday!

Reflections

Peace, my heart, let the time for the parting be sweet.
Let it not be a death but completeness.
Let love melt into memory and pain into songs.
Let the flight through the sky end in the folding of the wings over the nest.
Let the last touch of your hands be gentle like the flower of the night.
Stand still, O Beautiful End, for a moment, and say your last words in silence.
I bow to you and hold up my lamp to light you on your way.

~Rabindranath Tagore

Sunday just gone would have been my youngest brother's 21st Birthday.  I say would have been because he died when he was just 5 years old. 

It is hard to believe it is that long since he was here, it is even harder to imagine how he would have been as a 21 year old, although due to the illnesses etc that he had, it would never have been likely that he would have lived to that age anyway.  But even then, it is still hard to imagine.

He is buried, just across from where my Mum was laid to rest a couple of years ago.  And we made a visit to the cemetery (as I do most weeks) but particularly on this day to place flowers and to remember.  I talked about him to mini man, of how someone so small, so precious, but touched the lives of so many, in so many different ways. Of his smile, his infectious laugh, but also of the struggles that he faced in the short time that he lived.

I will always remember as we made the journey in the funeral car from home to the cemetery to lay my brother to rest, the old man who was walking along the road, who stood, removed his hat and bowed to the cars as we passed.  I have certain memories in a similar way from the day we laid my mum to rest.  It is strange the things that we remember on days such as this. 

My brother suffered so much physically within his short life.  Medical intervention at times left a lot to be desired.  The ongoing medical negligence case was something that never reached conclusion and was put to rest along with my Mum.  It was something she had fought with and battled for so very long but something that was ended when her own fight against her cancer was lost.

Most people, take for granted the journey they have through life, prepare little,  consider it even less, and most do not think of where that road will ultimately lead.  What makes us take note however of that journey that we make is the people we meet along the way.  Those we live with, work with, those we love and those we lose, those we share times with; good or bad. Family, friends, colleagues, strangers.

It is these people who shape the way we are, they teach us about love, about trust, about joy, they also teach us about loss, about pain and about hurt. 

We learn many of life's lessons from the people who are a part of our lives and often, it is through them that we discover our own strengths, our own weaknesses and all of the things that make us who we are.

Remembering J.
Your love. Your smile.
Beautiful Memories.

New York! New York!

Not that I am counting but in 29 days, the mini man and I will be in New York!  In fact, this time next month we will have arrived and be spending our first afternoon there.

Our first time visit to the city, but 2nd time to the US. 

We will be spending 5 nights in New York before flying down to Orlando and spending 10 nights in a wonderful villa with a large pool, jacuzzi and spa (I treated us to a rather nice upgrade!)

But feeling incredibly excited about visiting NYC, we have tickets to the Yankees game against Toronto Blue Jays at the Yankee Stadium, tickets to go up to the crown at Statue of Liberty, and also heading to see a show on Broadway, although heavily debating about which one it actually is going to be.

It's certainly going to be a busy 5 days in the city, am looking forward to wandering around Central Park, of venturing to the Top of the Rock, and when we are there it is also Fleet Week . . .hmmmm all those Sailors in uniform will I am sure, be rather pleasing to the eye as well as the sights that we will see.

Mini man is looking forward to dancing along the piano in FAO schwarz having seen it in the film Big as well as going on the Big Wheel inside Toys R Us in Times Square.

We have plans to do so many things, but know that we just won't get chance to fit it all in so am sure this will be the first trip of many to NYC at least.  Try to fit in some shopping . . .a girl can never have too many shoes or boots! 

It is our second trip to Orlando, and once again we will be visiting the House of the Mouse amongst many other things. 

So, the real countdown begins (although it started at over 200 days ago), and this time next month, we will have arrived in New York and venturing into a city which we are just so excited to see.

New York, here we come!

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