A gift of words

"Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and its thought has found its words" Robert Frost.

I love words! 

Reading them, writing them, hearing them, sharing them.  There is a beauty in how they can create such wonderful images, that they can create a vision that brings those words to life. 

I love them to flood the senses, touch the heart and trickle to the soul

I'm a word whore.

I can't get enough of them.

But, I had a truly wonderful present recently - a rather wonderful gift of words, something written, something sent to me, for me. 

A poem. 

And I loved it. 

And while I am not going to share it here, I just love how when you read something, as you see the words before you that they reach out, touch you, touch the heart, flood the mind.

And it was that and more. A whole lot more!

And I love it. 

The gift, the words, the gift of those words and that someone has such a wonderful gift and shared that gift with me is something quite lovely and it plunges in and warms the heart.  There is something quite special, that someone takes that time, that thought to send such a wonderful present. 

I've been touched by words, and in several ways recently, left lost for words of my own in response (quite a rare thing for me yanno?) but, sometimes it does happen. 

But that's the beauty of words.

And I love them. 

Dedicate

"I wrote a poem about it, and then threw it away, because that’s the last thing I need right now: More words dedicated to people who will never dedicate a single thing to me" Charlotte Green.

Wise words Charlotte, very wise words indeed. 

I've written posts. I've written words. Yes, I've written poems too of things from the distant past, of things more recent.  At the time they were a release of thoughts and feelings, but they're deleted, thrown away never to see daylight, never to be seen, read or witnessed for this very reason! 

Writing for me, is often a release.  I don't do it for other people to read, to comment or even to see.  It is quite simply for me. 

I have, or should say had, several hundred draft entries here on my blog, they've been purged.

Using the delete button can have a very cathartic feeling of it's own, cleansing away the negative, taking away the toxic feelings, taking away the things that no longer need to be there. Things that do not need anything further dedicated to them other than the original function of a release (and relief) at the time of writing.

And the purging, the letting go it brings about it's own sense of release. 

But Charlotte, you're right, we do not need to dedicate things to people who will never dedicate a single thing in return. 

So, let's not.

Screw poetry!

"Screw poetry, it's you I want, your taste, rain on you, mouth on your skin."
Margaret Atwood

There are no poetic words waiting to spill all over the page.  There is no melodious soliloquy or discourse. 

There is no painting of aimless silhouette's on a naked canvas depicting an artistic longing.

Instead there is just the carnal and lascivious desires that are burning, that are longing, that are screaming for attention.  There is the ravenous hunger for sensual touch, your touch. 

Your fingers, your hands, your mouth over me, upon me, in me.

There is the rousing desires, of wants and needs. 

Screw the words, screw the poetry, screw the art upon bare canvas. 

Instead  I want you. 

Your hands, your mouth, your body touching mine.  Instead I want to touch you, to kiss you, to bite you and hurt you.  I want to breath you in, taste you, hold you.

There is no need for epodic rhyme. 

There is just a need for a moment.  A moment with you, with a mellifluous symphony of desirous worship.

Wild places

The mind I love must have wild places, a tangled orchard where dark damsons drop in the heavy grass, an overgrown little wood, the chance of a snake or two, a pool that nobody’s fathomed the depth of, and paths threaded with flowers planted by the mind.  Katherine Mansfield

I saw this.  It made me think of you. 

Of your mind.  Of where it goes. 
Of how I want to learn where it goes. 

However dark, however wild the places.

I want you to take me there.
I want to take you there. 
I want to go there with you.

Wherever it may go.

Naked.

It’s easy to take off your clothes and have sex. People do it all the time.

But opening up your soul to someone, letting them into your spirit, thoughts, fears, future, hopes, dreams… that is being naked.

— Rob Bell

I *love* this type of nakedness.  Peeling back the layers, delving into someone's mind, thoughts, heart.  Bringing them out of themselves, opening them up, revealing them to their very core.

I *love* the bare honest truth of what someone is, of WHO someone is.  Of all the things that make them "them".  It is easier to strip to be naked, than to peel those layers away, than to allow someone to do that.  To place yourself naked, bare, vulnerable at someone's bidding.  I *love* that vulnerability. I *love* that trust someone places as they open themselves up, trusting me with their words, their depths.

And it is special. And wonderful. And beautiful.

I will wait for walls to be taken down.

A voice that will call to the depths

With precision I pull away the layers

Offering trust, security, letting you know it's ok

to fall. That someone is there to catch.

That I am there to catch. And to hold

you as you lay naked, vulnerable and exposed.

There's a fear that you feel, a fight that you must fight.

But as I hold tight I will never give up

my hold. Holding you tight, reassuring you

that this is your place.©

Balance rather than equality.

"Some people have confused equality with symmetry, making the assumption that everyone should have the same thing…. Sometimes setting the same rules for both partners simply doesn’t make sense because you are different people who want different things.

 

In attempting to give each person equality you could lose sight of what each person actually wants.

 

Work to achieve balance rather than equality." — Tristan Taormino

 

That's it.

 

A somewhat simplistic way of looking at why an FLR works, of how a dynamic, a relationship of D/s, or a TPE "fits".  But as simplistic as it may be, it reflects , for me, so much of how it is.

 

We are not the same. We do not have the same needs, rules that work for one, do not work for another.  I have that need for control, and I need to be with someone who wants to give that control up.  He needs things in the opposite way than I do.  It isn't equal in terms of the power exchange, or in terms of how it works and yet it is so very balanced.

 

And this is why, for me, an FLR with a power exchange works.

 

It isn't about equality.  I don't think or look at my partner, as lower than me.  I do not consider them inferior or myself superior.  I don't. At all. 

 

We are equals.

 

But it is in the depth of the power exchange where that inequality exists, and yet, it is that inequality, which achieves the balance.  Fulfilling both in the way it is needed. 

 

It isn't unequal, it is just balanced differently.  And this is what makes it work. 

 

That is why I love it.  That is why I need it. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Steps.

You write your first draft with your heart and you rewrite with your head. The first key to writing is to write, not to think.

Sean Connery, Finding Forrester.

For me, the key is having the time. The motivation. The inspiration.  And I haven't had any of those for so long.  It's been so long since I've written. So long since I've had the time to write.  Life is busy. Life is manically busy and there's no time to write let alone think!

On Wednesday, I stood in the Abbey at the funeral of a friend who was just 49.  A battle lost against bowel cancer.  And standing there as I watched her two teenage daughters talk of their Mum, it hits home just how precious life is.  How so easily life can be taken away, that it is so short.  She was making the most of her life, doing the things that she loved to do, right up to the end, right to the moment that the damn awful disease that cancer is stripped her body of life.

It makes you realise that sometimes, just sometimes, things have to take a back seat, that there are things that must come first.  Whether things are from the head or the heart, the first key is to take the moments that we have, to take the opportunities, the chances, the risks.  Because it can be over all too quickly.

There can be times, there can be moments when something so beautiful comes into our lives, completely out of nowhere.  We may not understand it, we may want to question it, but sometimes we have to trust in it. Trust in ourselves, trust in the ability to make and take the right decision, the right path for ourselves.  It may not work. But sometimes, perhaps we just need to have a little faith.  Perhaps we just need to take a step into the unknown, for as I've been reminded this week, we never know if that step may be our last.

Sian. Rest in peace and free from pain.

Aristophanes in Plato's symposium

It is amazing the things we come across when insomnia hits.

I have a book to read and yet, neither my mind or eyes could focus on it.  I don't know if I will be able to.  At least not for a while at least. So I will place it onto the bookshelf until the time may come that I will re-open its covers.

Instead in the depths of the early hours, I have just read a translation of Aristophanes speech in Plato's symposium. Within it, there is such simple beauty, reflecting the naïve hope that we, each "find" our other half, their discussion upon their thoughts of "love".

There is one particular part of his speech, where the words have such simple beauty within them, yet they are words that reflect that naïve hope . . .perhaps the thing that we hope to "find", in whatever way, or wherever we may seek it . . .is it a naïve hope?


"And when one of them meets with his other half, the actual half of himself, whether he be a lover of youth or a lover of another sort, the pair are lost in an amazement of love and friendship and intimacy, and would not be out of the other's sight, as I may say, even for a moment: these are the people who pass their whole lives together; yet they could not explain what they desire of one another. For the intense yearning which each of them has towards the other does not appear to be the desire of lover's intercourse, but of something else which the soul of either evidently desires and cannot tell.."

Sometimes words from others have such simplicity, yet, can hold such depth, such meaning such truth . . words which can at times touch, right through to leaving one breathless.

Maybe it is a naïve hope.

Things happen which give us hope that we may one day find what it is that we may seek, the thing that we may hope to find.  And hope can be dashed, it can be trampled and crushed and discarded.  Maybe we looked in the wrong place.  Maybe we are looking for something that isn't ultimately possible to find.  Maybe it just isn't. 

Fleeting moments

Not everything is supposed to become something beautiful and long-lasting. Sometimes people come into your life to show you what is right and what is wrong, to show you who you can be, to teach you to love yourself, to make you feel better for a little while, or to just be someone to walk with at night and spill your life to. Not everyone is going to stay forever, and we still have to keep on going and thank them for what they’ve given us.

Emery Allen 

Sometimes, we just have to take something for what it is.  It may be fleeting and brief.  It may be over before it has begun.  It may be something that means absolutely nothing, but it played a part, however briefly in making things happen.  Not everything has to be something big and wonderful, it can be small, subtle, almost happen unnoticed and yet it can have a lasting effect.

Everything no matter how big or small, will always give something to us.  We learn from the mistakes that we make.  I don't do regrets because every little detail of our life is what has made us who we are, instead we learn from a situation. It maybe that we learn never to repeat it, it may be that we learn heartache, pain or sadness, but we still learn.    

And sometimes those fleeting moments, good, bad or indifferent, we need to take them for what it was at the time, regardless of what it was, because in all honesty, there are some things, some people, we don't want to stay forever.

So for those moments, those people, past and recent, I thank them for what they have given me, and know that as I move on, that they have contributed in their own small way to a potential of something beautiful and long-lasting.

Something that perhaps should have been many years ago.

Weaknesses

“Your weaknesses aren’t meant to prove how you’re not perfect; they are meant to prove how you can be stronger. Your mistakes aren’t meant to prove how you’re wrong; they are meant to prove how you can be right. Life may be long or short, simple or rough, boring or exciting, but whatever the case, you live only once, and during this one life, YOU were meant to become the best you can ever be. So keep this in mind: acknowledge to learn, and learn to fight, and fight to change, and change to live life to the fullest.” – anonymous

We all have weaknesses, we are all human and will all make mistakes.

I get that of course I do.  

But, I wish, so wish that people didn't give up the "fight" so easily . . .so early . . .without any effort or without even really trying.

Because it is in making those changes, but putting in the effort which can reap the rewards, which can bring the things to you that you do really want, desire, long for and need.  It is a shame that some people will potentially miss out on so much good for a little fear of taking a step forward, for a lack of putting in just a little effort, by giving up the race at the first hurdle and giving up the fight.

I often wonder why, some people give up so easily - maybe they cannot see the strength that they have, maybe they think that it is just easier or that others will not be by their side while they do fight . . .who knows? 

I wish I did.

Whatever the reason, it's sad.  Yet we cannot make someone fight, we cannot make someone live, we can only fight our own fight, live our own lives so we can live it to become the best we can and hope that we will share it with someone who wants that too!

Always expect the unexpected . . .

“We all think we’re going to be great and we feel a little bit robbed when our expectations aren’t met. But sometimes our expectations sell us short. Sometimes the expected simply pales in comparison to the unexpected. You got to wonder why we cling to our expectations, because the expected is just what keeps us steady. Standing. Still. The expected's just the beginning, the unexpected is what changes our lives.” Shonda Rhimes


And that is something I always hold on to.

Expecting the unexpected and not placing expectations upon things because it can change the way they are, the way they can be.  And I hold onto it because it is most often the things that we do not expect which do change our lives.  And, those unexpected things can often be so much better, simply because they are free from expectation, because they do not have the pressure of expectations. Instead they can simply "be" as they are.  As they are meant to be. Happen as and how they are meant to happen. 

It does not mean that something which happens unexpectedly doesn't take us by surprise, for goodness it sure can do, we can still be knocked sideways by the curve ball thrown in our direction, or have the wind taken out of our sails.

But there can be something quite special, quite wonderful when something so unexpected happens that it comes with a whole host of potential and possibilities.  Quite unexpectedly, it comes from nowhere, but has a potential to go beyond what we may even have perhaps even dared to hope for.

Life, we can never really plan.

We can never know what, or who, maybe just around the corner.  People often say that they meet someone when they are least expecting it - is it because that meeting comes with no pre-existing expectations? That they are, with their hearts and minds completely open to whatever may happen . . .that it can then happen as it is meant to?

Life, inevitably throws us curve balls, times when circumstances are a reminder to expect the unexpected, yet these curve balls, these unexpected moments can also be quite beautiful, as they unfold and show themselves. They can be moments where it can quite literally take your breath away, leaving you amazed or taken aback at what feelings, emotions or hopes that it may bring.

In the words of Paulo Coelho “You have to take risks. We will only understand the miracle of life fully when we allow the unexpected to happen.”  So yes, maybe it is about being open, opening yourself to allow those unexpected moments to happen, and maybe it is about taking a risk for it to truly do so.

The expected is just the beginning. It is indeed, the unexpected that changes our lives.

 

Every heart sings a song, incomplete, until another heart whispers back. Those who wish to sing always find a song. At the touch of a lover, everyone becomes a poet.

Plato

I saw this, and loved it.  Both the image and the words.  I wanted to place it here, for they are both beautiful

May not be easy . . .BUT

IT may not be easy, turning the pages - taking the step.  

I know that in what I wrote HERE  that it may have come across in my words that I didn't want to turn the pages, that I was happy to stay where I was . . .where I am.  That I am not willing, wanting, or desiring to take a step.

I didn't mean that at all. 

I know that I want to turn the pages, change the shoes, the story to create and unfurl, for things to be different.  To take that step and many beyond it.   In the words of Martin Luther King "You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step."

It doesn't mean it isn't a big step - it is!  But knowing it is a big step doesn't mean that I do not want to take it.

I do.

And that I am very sure about.

Need...

"I close my eyes, inhale, and feel a rush of heat and energy that takes my breath away. It is the feeling of wanting something so much that it borders on an actual need, and the power and urgency of this need overwhelms me.”

… Emily Griffin, Love the One You’re With

And it is. And it does.

Touch

Touch has a memory.
~ John Keats

The memory of your touch lingers, the softness of your skin, the gentleness of your touch as your fingers traced the curves of my body, the roundness of your nails causing shivers to run through me, goosebumps forming wherever you have been.

The warmth of your breath against naked skin, the coolness of your tongue as it trails, following the path that your fingers traced only moments before.

You take me to the moment where I feel nothing but your mouth on my skin.   I see nothing but you.  I feel nothing but you.  I hear nothing but the sound of you calling my name, whispering gently, begging and pleading.

Touch has a memory.

Strange how life works.

"I have a million things to talk to you about. All I want in this world is you. I want to see you and talk. I want the two of us to begin everything from the beginning."

Haruki Murakami

If only.

If only it were that simple.  If only it were possible.

But it isn't.

It is never possible to go back to the beginning, because in doing so, we would wipe out all of the things that have been, the things that have been shared. The experiences, the feelings, the moments shared, the things explored.  It isn't possible to wipe that out.  It isn't possible to forget it or wipe the slate clean.  But in a perfect world, things would be possible, but then it would be that everything from the beginning would have been just perfect.

"It’s so strange how life works: You want something and you wait and wait and feel like it’s taking forever to come. Then it happens and it’s over and all you want to do is curl back up in that moment before things changed."

— Lauren Oliver 

To go back to that moment, the time before things changed . . .it's not possible either, but while it wouldn't be the right thing, it would be good to go back to that moment.

So often that I think of things that I would have shared with you, things that we would have talked about.  There have even been times when I have thought I must tell you this or that.  And then realised that isn't possible either.

It is strange how life works.

Risk

"Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go"

T.S. Elliot

True.

So very true.

It isn't easy to take risks.  But if we don't put ourselves out there, if we don't take them, we will not only never know how far we can go, we will never get how far we want to go.

Deadlines

"I have a stack of deadlines a mile high, but I think I'm also going to sit around with a bottle and just think for a while.  The thinking time is essential.  At least half of all writing involves just sitting and staring into space.  Letting your brain out to hunt down ideas, bringing them back all warm and bloody between its teeth."
Warren Ellis

Writing.

One of the things that I love to do, that I wish I had more time to do.

One of my loves. My passions.

Sometimes I wish that I had more time to sit around, to let those words form.  That I could sit with a bottle and think.  Letting the words form, creating.

My brain is often out hunting, bringing back the ideas of things that I want to write about, things that I want to muse over.  And yet, finding the time to do so, isn't easy. 

I have lost count of the number of times I have thought "I will write about that . . ." or an idea comes into my head for a piece of writing and then the moment is lost, almost as quickly as it came just because something else has happened and come into the forefront.  I have a whole host of blog entries that are started, but not finished.  One which at the time the words flow, but when the moment is lost, it is lost.  I rarely go back or return to them.

Perhaps I should.

It is frustrating . . .really it is.

Time is so precious, and yet, it seems there isn't enough of it to do the things that we really want to do.  Or at least there isn't for me.  There certainly hasn't been during recent weeks.

Work.  Home. Illness. "Life" all of the things that often get in the way.  All of the things that can stop us doing the things that we want to.  Deadlines built up at work, which meant that the pressure is on.  Which means that work overflows into after hours, which means everything else starts to build up and the things that I love to do, slowly work their way down the list, getting moved to the bottom of the pile.

But I also love the thinking time.  I love the time that I can sit, play with words, with thoughts, with images, the creative juices flowing.

Thankfully, there has been a little time of late, a chance to get back into writing, a chance to let the brain out hunting, a chance to take that time to think, to sit and stare into space. And enjoying a bottle while doing so!

Bliss!

restrain desires

Those who restrain their desires do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained.

William Blake

I was reading a blog recently.

Another one about a situation of a male wanting a WLM and the wife not "playing ball".  One where he has tried for over four years of their marriage to get her to take control.  And now finally, he has the realisation that it just isn't going to happen.

In many ways, the frustration but also the sadness of the writer is clear to see from the words that fill the screen.

And yet, it is also such a shame because as I said to him, there are indeed very few males who genuinely want the things that he wants and that it isn't easy from my own perspective as a Dominant female, in finding a male who really wants to live their lives that way.

It seems that so many are within the relationship that they "settled" for, one which they hoped they would be able to manipulate and change to have their submissive needs met.  Except, they forgot to remember that really, while some may be dominant, they do not have the need or the desire to dominate.

One of the comments on this guys blog from a "dominant female" saying how this blog proves what she says all over online as being right.  I mean, the poor guy is struggling with the reality of what may not be for him, and here she is "gloating". 

People like that, really get up my nose!

Who gives a shit what she has written anywhere?

Who is she that needs to be proved right or wrong anyway?

And why choose to do it on a place where this blogger is coming to a pretty harsh and stark reality that his wife will not dominate, and that he will not be able to have the WLM that he so longs for and craves.

I mean, FFS woman!

Bring your head out of your own ass!

It isn't something proving "you" right.  It is a situation that is seen time and time again.  It's not rocket science is it.  So, you've said something out there in oblivion and this is another one to prove your "theory". 

Well lady, it's not your theory is it.

It is a reality for many.

So get over yourself love!

Anyway . . .rant over.

Aside from this most pathetic comment that really I don't know why she bothered to rub the poor guys nose in it . . .someone else had commented about accepting not being able to have what we want and that we should just put up with it.

But should we?

Really?

Or is it because that person can say that, can put up with whatever their lot in life maybe because their desires can be restrained. That the reality is, their desires for the things that they want or need in life aren't that strong. That they can accept what little bit they do get, because ultimately that matches the level of desire that they have.

There will always be compromises in whatever type of relationship or dynamic it is.  Whether it be "vanilla" through to D/s or FLR.  Compromise is something that we all have to do, whether we be dominant, submissive or on anywhere on the scale inbetween.  Life isn't perfect.  We aren't going to find a relationship which gives us 100% of what we want or need.

But we can make a decision to follow a path, we can make a decision to at least make changes to have those things that we want . . .maybe if he had been honest at the beginning of his relationship with his then wife to b back then, it would have been a lot different . . .saved many years of trying to "push" her into dominating him. Saved him many years of frustration and heartache and not being able to be the person that he is, or wants to be.  And saved him the situation  of now deciding whether what he is faced with having in terms of his marriage and life, is going to be enough.

A situation of deciding whether his desires can be restrained.  I wonder if they are weak enough.

I know for me that they aren't.

I know that my desires for the things that I hope for, need are incredibly strong, and as such, would still prefer to not even begin to walk down a path that could ultimately not give that.

My own desires cannot be restrained.  My own desires are not weak enough to be restrained.  And as far as I am concerned, I have no desire to restrain them anyway.  

Life is far too short!

Balance

"Some people have confused equality with symmetry, making the assumption that everyone should have the same thing . . . Sometimes setting the same rules for both partners simply doesn't make sense because you are different people who want different things. In attempting to give each person equality you could lose sight of what each person actually wants.  Work to achieve balance rather than equality." Tristan Taormino 

And that is exactly how it works for me.  It is about balance.  It is about achieving a balance.  It is about different people with different needs who want different things and whose needs certainly won't be met by the same rules!

I don't want equality.

I don't want superiority.

I want a balance. 

A relationship which works by giving each person (or persons) within that relationship the balance that they need.  We all have different needs, we all want different things.  There will of course be needs and wants that are shared, but it is still quite possible to have those different needs and wants met, even when there is such a big difference.

I do not want symmetry and I think just with how they are established that a relationship with power exchange cannot reflect symmetry, not really.  I don't think they are about "equality", but they are about a balance.  A balance which is achieved through that exchange of power, a balance which is achieved because there are different rules for each person, but ones which enable each persons needs to be met.  That the exchange of power brings about that balance, brings about those needs being met, regardless of how different they actually are.

I need to be in control.  For me, it is all about control.  I need to dominate because that is who I am. What I am.  What I need.  The balance within my own relationships comes from being with someone who has quite the opposite needs and it comes with that power exchange.

Of course each relationship will find balance in different ways, according to the needs of each person and in what way they achieve it or indeed perhaps need it.  But for me, it isn't about equality or my being superior, it is all about achieving a balance.

And I very much need that balance.

But it comes from an exchange of power.

It comes from being within female led relationships, it comes from aspects of D/s, it comes from my dominating over someone who submits, simply it comes from my being in control.  It comes from the bringing together of two different people who are at different ends of the D/s spectrum. But because they do, they naturally balance.

And that works for me!