House Slaves and House Maids

There was a discussion going over on IC some time ago, talking about house slaves/house maids HERE and I do not think it is surprising that people often wonder what someone can get out of such service.

Some truly fail to see how someone can be fulfilled in this way, although quite often it seems the ones who cannot understand it come into D/s with a completely different outlook as to what it is and what it means to them ~ which is understandable.  If it isn't their thing, if it doesn't fulfill their needs, they aren't likely to fully understand how it can to others.  Some people will make comments because they speak out of ignorance, looking down on people who are fulfilled in such a way.  But simply; they just don't get it.

But, to me, I totally get it.

Totally get that someone can be fulfilled from such a service orientated role.  That they can simply be pleased and have fulfilment from making someone's life easier.  This however, isn't an easy thing to find, there are very few who truly want or who could be at ease within such a role.  It seems that the number of people who search for such, who long or desire such, decreases by the day.  They are certainly quite rare it would appear.

Within that thread, there is a male submissive, who explains what he gets from his service in this way, of how it works for him . . .it seems that the service he provides is such a rare thing, but what stood out for me, is what he gets from it, of how he explains how it fulfills him and his needs.  It goes on to show that it isn't just about having a service submissive, but that it is something quite special.  His words, actually spoke volumes, so much so that I wanted to share it here. 

The IC member Lanterne_Rouge  wrote this . . .

I've served in this way for a decade or so, with one Lady in particular for the last few years.

I don't "get off" on housework (as it was described in the original post); it doesn't give me a sexual thrill and at home it's just chores that I do. In normal working life I've got a stressful and senior role. I very rarely actual "do" anything, I'm more often juggling people and other resources or working on strategy and other long term guff, generating excel sheets and powerpoints. 

Performing service for a Lady allows me to completely switch this off. I'm usually doing something quite manual for her, and able to focus on quite tightly defined tasks ("Clean the oven") rather than dealing with the uncertainties and open ended work items of my job. I can perform a task, and see it through to completion. I may even get some praise for it if done well. For a while I can simply exist, which is fantastically mentally relaxing even when I'm rushing around scrubbing, polishing, cooking, whatever. There is a real satisfaction in a job well done - and, conversely, real disappointment and shame if she finds something I've missed that she then needs to complain about or punish me for.

Sometimes I work with close supervision (there is nothing that concentrates the mind quite so much as the Lady pacing up and down, flexing a riding crop or paddle and sometimes swatting me if I'm not fast enough, or thorough enough). That tends to be when she is in a more playful mood and wants to enjoy watching me toil for her, and exert her dominance - or if she's just had a rough day at work and wants to work out some pent up aggression.

Other times, I'm told what to do and left to get on with it whilst she goes into her study to catch up on work, or relaxes with a glass of wine and a good book. In this case I may prepare and serve her a meal whilst also ensuring that the kitchen is left spotless (regardless of its state when I arrived) and any other tasks have been completed. In these sessions I may have very little interaction with her. 

The goal and satisfaction for me come in seeing that she is feeling relaxed and pampered. There is no expectation or hope that I'll get anything beyond a pat on the head and a thank you as I leave. It feels especially good if she has examined my work and not found any real issues with it.

With the Lady that I've been lucky enough to work for over the last few years there is no intimate service involved - although she knows that I appreciate seeing ladies in general wearing fully fashioned stockings and heels (well, I'm a bloke, aren't I!), so will sometimes wear them when I'm serving her as a treat (always with a decent length skirt, an elegant not a tarty look). This isn't always the case; she may equally often be wearing "slouchy" clothes - jeans and an old t-shirt or jumper chosen purely for comfort rather than looks. I have no expectations or demands on her.

I wear what she tells me to wear, which will usually reflect any particular jobs that she needs doing. That may be workwear (trousers and t-shirt) for hard work DIY/seriously dirty tasks or gardening, or if she fancies some eye-candy as I work around the house doing general cleaning she'll have me wear a short skirt, stockings and heels or perhaps a leather slave harness as the mood takes her.

On the odd occasion that I've been privileged to serve when she's had an evening with a few of the girls around (so ensuring that the house is clean when they arrive, serving drinks and nibbles, cooking & serving food, clearing up afterwards) she's preferred me either in waiter-style black trousers, white shirt and bow tie or alternatively blouse, skirt, stockings and heels depending upon which particular ladies are her guests. Wearing non-street clothes does help me get into the service head space, but is non-essential to my enjoyment.

So, back to the original question - there is a well understood dynamic between us. We both know what we'll get out of the arrangement, and enjoy each others company (often having fits of giggles together rather than behaving strictly in Mistress/servant roles). We sometimes meet socially as equals in a pub or coffee bar just for a natter and a drink. I'd find it hard to serve somebody that I don't like and respect - if that was the case then how could I get my enjoyment from seeing her needs met?

From her point of view, she obviously gets all the nasty jobs done that she dislikes (oven cleaning, floors scrubbed etc.) and any tricky handyman stuff, but beyond that also gets an evening of feeling both empowered and pampered - or if she's working late whilst I'm performing my chores then simply having her life made a little easier during a busy period. One of my best moments - seeing my Lady swell up with pride when one of her guests at the end of an evening said that she wished she had the services of someone like me.

I know that I could quite easily be that guest who said she wished she had the services of someone like him.  Because quite simply, it would just be perfect.  Someone who is able to be of service in this way, to this extent, to be at ease within that role, but more so, not to come with a whole list of wants and needs, but to be fulfilled in the role that he is fulfilling.  That the submissive needs, the needs to serve are met through those chores and tasks.  

As I mentioned earlier, people like this, are a very very rare, but special find. Someone else in that thread also says

" think "most" people advertising to be a maid have ulterior motives and that they want a bit of spanking or sex at the end of the cleaning etc....There are very few, like myself who genuinely just wish to clean and make someone elses' life better"

And that is it . . .that hits it right on the head.  The desire to make someone elses' life better.  As it says in the quote above

"the goal and satisfaction for me come in seeing that she is feeling relaxed and pampered. There is no expectation or hope that I'll get anything beyond a pat on the head and a thank you as I leave. It feels especially good if she has examined my work and not found any real issues with it."

It is about not having expectations, of not coming with a tick list of wants and needs that need to be fulfilled as so many seem to think that is the point of submitting, that is what submitting is all about.

For some, it is about that tick list. And for them, that is fine.  This is all about after all, what it is for each of us.

For others, it is far far beyond that.

For me it most certainly is.

But, it was refreshing to see that someone serves in this way and gets their fulfillment from serving, from pleasing.  Not because they have a whole host of expectations to be fulfilled to get that satisfaction. It does go to show, that there are some people out there who share that wavelength, that thought.

If only we could all be as lucky to find this . . . .

Woman first of all . . .

“It’s all right for a woman to be, above all, human. I am a woman first of all” ~Anais Nin

Why is it, that some people  fail to see that before anything else, before being Dominant, before being anything I am a woman? That I am me?

Some days its as if I am not allowed to even be human, much less a woman.

It seems that some people fail to see past what we may be, to see the who we really are.  That they have some idea (or more so fantasy) about a female dominant and that it doesn't get past the leather, whips and strap on!

It is draining. It is tiresome. It seems never ending at times!

It is as if, in being dominant, I am not allowed to be, to have or to go through anything else that a woman of my age should.  That I shouldn't have natural longings or desires, that I shouldn't for some reason desire other things such as friendship, companionship, love.  It is as if because I am dominant I am not allowed to do or experience many things.

Some time ago, in a passing conversation, I mentioned that I was having a "broody" moment.  Now, you'd think that I'd just dropped a huge bomb! As the shock set in. "Broody moment . . . . . ?"  Followed by a long silence.

"Yes."

Am I, just because I am a dominant female, not allowed or supposed to experience a "broody moment"?

Does it mean that because I am dominant that it switches off the natural biological clock or the natural desires that come to many (and not all!) women.  Does it mean that because I am a dominant female that I suddenly lose all feelings, thoughts, experiences, desires that any other female may have?

It seems that some cannot get past the dominant part. Let alone to see the human, or even the woman or more importantly "me".

There really is no hope if they cannot get past the dominant fantasy that fills their mind, that limits their vision.  Yes I maybe dominant, but it isn't all that I am.  And shouldn't we be seen for all that we are, not for what some "fantasy" creates or suggests? 

Yes I am dominant.  I am many other things too.

But first and foremost I am me.

Lose the labels!

"I have tattoos, so I’m a trouble maker. I have curves, so I’m fat. If I wear makeup, I’m fake. If I say what I think, I’m a bitch. If I cry some times, I’m a drama queen. If I have guy friends, I’m a slut. If I stand up for myself, I’m mouthy. Seems like you can’t do anything nowadays without being labeled. So what, go ahead and label me, see if I give a shit…"

Ellen Dunsworth

Labels. 

There is something about labels that seriously get up my nose.  There seems to be a whole plethora of people who want to place labels on everyone else, or try to place themselves under a label which they are never going to fit.

I am an individual.

I take pride in that fact.  I like the fact tht I am different from many people and I don't try to make myself like another.  In short, I always try my upmost to stay true to myself, my beliefs, my wants and needs and desires.

And because of that I am not fond of labels.

I am not interested in having labels placed upon me, I am not interested in being labelled as anything, or defined as such.  Although to be honest, there would be so many that could possibly fit the list could be endless; and that is because I am who I am. 

I cannot fit into any little box which describes who I am or the needs that I have.  It would be impossible, unless I was to be chopped up into smaller pieces and each piece of me placed under all the appropriate labels that could potentially fit.

Of course in certain situations, lables can help in some ways.  They can help us to try to understand, get others to understand. They can go some way to explaining.

But, as is so often the case, people allow these labels to define them, to define who they are and their actions.  But in allowing this to happen, it can go so far that, not only do they define the person, but that person shapes themselves to fit the label.  That the label can mould the person so that they fit, instead of being what they are whatever that may be.

This, is something we see a great deal of in relation to BDSM.  A whole host of labels of dominant, top, submissive, slave, switch, sadist, masochist. . . it really is endless.  And people all over the place are trying to place themselves under a label to "fit".  And yet, on top of that, there's the whole host of labels given to the relationship dynamics too ~ D/s, M/s, FLR, HOH, Vanilla etc etc etc  But, many relationships bring together aspects from different ones, and it then becomes almost an impossibility to use any label.

It is the same for people.

Or at least for me it is.

I know that I do not fit into the traditional "Domme" role.  I know and am fully aware that I have been dominant all of my life, I know that I am dominant and that I have the need for control and to be in control.  I have even had what for me I guess I can refer to as a "vanilla" relationship yet, it was still female led.  And yet, it didn't need to be labelled anything.  I don't believe that I, or my relationships need to be labelled as anything, because there isn't just one that fit.  There would be many. Things that describe the dynamic and the people within them, things that describe the characteristics of those within them . . .it cannot be just one.

When I first discovered all things "BDSM", I did explore in depth the labels that get thrown around.  What they mean. What they stand for.  And like so many, there was a time in the very early days that I even tried to apply them to myself, my wants, my needs, my relationships.  But then when we label, there is this pressure that we place on ourselves to change.  There is a pressure to "fit" under that label and what others think or believe is right or wrong.

As such, these labels then change us.  They do not represent who we are. And I strongly believe that they hinder me.  And I say me, because I know that for many, they live for labels and place themselves underneath them. 

So. For me. Labels went out of the window.

I am who I am.  And while I may not fit under what labels people try to pigeon hole me under, I fit into what is right for me.  I fit quite perfectly in my world.

I am me.  People can draw whatever conclusions they wish.  In fact, people will draw whatever conclusions they wish to even without the labels.

But I know what I like. What I don't. I know what I want.  What I don't. I know what I need from a relationship, what I need from another as well as from myself.  I don't need labels to tell me that.  I don't need to be defined or limited by such.

I have always known I was kinky.  And I mean, from earliest sexual fantasies. I have always been dominant. I have always been in control of my life, my actions and the things I do within it.  I have a need for that control and have to have it.  But, I also am aware that my needs in terms of relationships don't fall under any "label" either. 

It simply is, for me, a way of being.

Whether people think that certain aspects are D/s, M/s, "Vanilla", Femdom, FLR.  It doesn't ultimately matter.  Everyone will have differing beliefs and opinions as to what comes under what label anyway.  Everyone will have different definitions, everyone will have a different angle, a different approach. And that is ok . . .but it also means that labels themselves lose their value and their validity.

What fits under a label for one, will not for another.  So in that way, labels cannot really help.

Yes of course, they can have some positives in terms of helping to explain, to give some "idea", to help others understand.

But, labels can define us.  Labels can hinder us and limit us. But more so, we can find that we change to fit under certain labels, because others think that is how it should be.

It isn't. 

We just need to be true to ourselves.  Be happy with our way of being.  It doesn't need to be defined, or limited, or hindered.  Quite simply, it does not need to even be labelled.

So, let's just be.  Let's lose the labels!

Is it really vanilla?

"Many vanilla people are surprised to learn that S/M includes erotic spanks, scratches, and bites, which are amazingly common forms of erotic expression. They are also surprised to find out that S/M practitioners can fall in love, and that they enjoy conventional sex acts such as oral sex and intercourse."
Laura Goodwin

I don't know what it is, but it never fails to surprise me the amount of people who can be surprised at the thought that those of us into "this" lifestyle would have any interest in "conventional" sex acts, that we would do something that many would consider "vanilla", or for that matter, that we would actually have some emotional involvement and "fall in love". 

Why wouldn't we?

What is it about being into this lifestyle that precludes us from any of these things? 

There isn't.

For me, it isn't about the act itself that makes one particularly dominant or submissive. It isn't so much about the act which makes it particularly "vanilla" or otherwise.  For me, it is about the way it is done. The way it happens. The way it is controlled.

Some time ago, I wrote an entry titled "You can't be a real Domme" which I wrote in response to a comment left by a submissive male who suggested that I was not, nor could not be a "real" Domme, because I had expressed my enjoyment of sucking cock! 

Within that entry I wrote about how it isn't the act for me which is either dominant or submissive, but how it is controlled.  And it is the same for me in what people consider "conventional". 

I don't think that certain acts are limited to either a "vanilla" or "non-vanilla" relationship.  But then, just as I am not one for labelling people, I am not one who tries to label the relationships either, mine are quite simply for me, female led.  Bottom line.

It doesn't mean that because my relationships are female led that it means it can only include certain acts.  It doesn't mean that because I make the rules, that I make the decisions or that I am in control that I cannot suck cock, or that I cannot have conventional sex, or that I cannot fall in love or "feel"

I don't think that certain acts are only "vanilla" and I do not think that those that many would consider "vanilla" acts cannot feature within a dynamic which involves Domination and submission or even S&M either.

Of course they can. 

It still isn't so much about the act, it is about how it is done, how it works for the people involved.  There will be things that don't feature in either type of relationship, it is all about personal choice.  Doing what is right, what is wanted and not doing the things that we do not want to do.

I am a sadist. 

I have a love of hurting people. It gives me pleasure.  I like to do it.  But just because I like to hurt someone, doesn't mean that because I am not "vanilla", that I am not capable of feeling. That I am not capable of emotions and that I have not or do not want to "fall in love".  For me, it is an expression of feeling, of love.  I have no desire to hurt just anyone.

So why just because I am an "S&M practictioner", does it mean that I do not, or should not do the things that feature in most peoples "normal" (using that word very loosely) relationship?

It doesn't.

Even what I would class as my most "vanilla" of relationships have still involved many aspects of kink, even fetish. They have still involved many things that many would consider S&M.  But they have also involved a lot of "conventional" things too. 

And this is one of the reasons why I do not attempt to "label" my relationships, just as I do not try to label myself or what I am.  Yes it can help for us to have some sort of understanding.  But, they can also be so limiting.

I do not like to be limited and I won't be limited by labels nor by what I choose to do.  I won't be limited by people saying that certain things are "vanilla" and therefore I shouldn't be doing them. 

If I want to do something, I will.

If someone has a problem with that, it really is THEIR problem.

Not mine.

I think some people do have a hard job to understand how certain things that we choose to do can be an erotic expression. I think some find it hard to understand how hurting someone can be an expression of love or that it carries any emotion or feeling at all.  It is more to do with ignorance and a lack of understanding than anything else.

But, being in this lifestyle doesn't stop us doing certain things that everyone else does . . .it doesn't mean that we don't involve the "conventional" and it doesn't mean that we do not feel or cannot fall in love.

We do.

We can.

If I want to suck cock. I will. 

If I want to fuck. I will.

Quite simply, I will do what I want, if I want to do it. When I want to do it and how I want to do it.  Nothing to me is purely "vanilla".  It isn't about the act, its about how its done. It's about the emotion behind it.

All very simple really.

Rules, labels and no "true way"

So much of what we may read, suggests that there should be a "right" or "wrong" way of doing things.

It seems that certain (and very often self-labelled) "authorities" (and I use that word loosely because in reality some can only be an authority on the way things are for them ~ for their relationships and their interests and not everyone elses!) anyway ~ "some authorities" on BDSM so often suggest their way is the right way, that there is one true way.

There isn't.

They try to suggest that everyone should follow what they put forward.  Their way, may to them be the true way; the only way.  What it is in fact is the right way for them. It doesn't by any means make it right for anyone else or anyone else's dynamic or relationship.

Just as what works for me, may not work for another.  I get that. I just wish others would.  It seems that so many are intent in placing themselves into boxes, placing themselves under "labels" that in reality don't fit, but maybe the closest thing.  It is impossible to place everyone into boxes, or to place everyone under the same label.

There really are no hard and fast rules when it comes to Female Led Relationships or Femdom, or any type of relationship for that matter.  There is no "template" as to what is right, what is wrong and how that relationship should be established or developed.  There isn't anything which says that a relationship must have X, Y or Z.  The important thing is the people within it communicate openly and honestly.  Such communication is an important part of any type of relationship, not just D/s, not just FLRs, but every type of relationship where people are involved. Where a power exchange takes place, where one person has control over another, that communication is entirely necessary. In fact, it really is vital.

Some subscribe to the thinking that D/s relationships as a whole (whether they be male led, female led, Femdom, D/s, M/s etc) are deeper, involve more attachment, require more trust, communication, openness than “traditional” relationships. I don’t subscribe to that in the slightest as I think that all relationships regardless of their dynamic, regardless of whether they include “vanilla” or not require those things. They need trust and honesty, they need communication, they involve intimacy and attachment and emotions, but just because they may be different than what society deems as "traditional" doesn't make them "better" or more anything over another dynamic.

One isn’t better than the other.

One isn't more involved than another.

One isn't more intimate than the other. One isn't more anything over another.

They are just as they are.

Yes of course there are differences within each relationship, differences within a Female led relationship, just as there are differences to a relationship which is Male led and these differences distinguish them from what society deems "traditional", but even though there are differences to the traditional, there are also differences within these types of dynamics according to the people within them.

One will never be the same as the other.  There will always be differences according to the wants and needs of those within it, whether it is physical, emotional, mental or sexual needs.  What works within one, won't work necessarily in another.  So there isn't a true way. There isn't "one" way.  There is just the way that we want to follow and what is right for us.  Doesn't mean it will always work, doesn't mean that it will be perfect ~ after all, nothing ever is.

Each relationship is really unique to the people within them and as such, what works for them is right for them. It certainly doesn't mean it would work for others or with others.  And this is why reading some of the writings from those who claim to be "authorities" really should be taken with an open mind, but very much a pinch of salt.

We can learn things, we can find an understanding of things, and there is a lot for us to learn, we can of course learn a lot from others and what does or doesn't work for them, but just because something is right for someone else, just because it may have worked for them, doesn't mean it will be for us or for others and it certainly doesn't make necessarily them an "authority" over anyone else or particular subjects.

I came across some writings recently, which was looking at FLRs and Femdom and the supposed "guidelines" that must be present for these type of relationships to work.  I find it frustrating that people suggest what must be present within anyone’s relationship for it to work.

If I don’t want something to happen within my relationship, it won’t. If I do, then it will. It is what works for me, what I want to do, certainly not what someone tells me to do. After all, I am in control of myself and my relationship, not some claimed “authority”.

Anyway, it suggested that one of the guidelines is the control and denial of the male orgasm and that it should “always be present” within an FLR.

Should it? Does it have to be?

No. Of course not.

Not if it isn’t what is wanted or required. It does play a big part of many relationships, but it doesn't have to be in every relationship.  It does or would in mine, for me chastity, control and denial is a very important part of such a relationship, but that's a personal choice for me.  Because it works for me. Not because I am told it should be a part of such a dynamic.

There are many who do not want it, many women who do not want that control.  There was a comment on a blog I read only yesterday where a male sub was talking about trying to persuade his very "vanilla wife" to take control and how she was "freaked" out by such suggestions and he asked why?

Why?

Well perhaps it has something to do with the fact that she isn't dominant, she doesn't want to dominate you and she has no desire to do so. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that she isn’t interested in wanting to control your cock and your orgasm?

Some people don’t “get it”, for some people TTWD isn’t the things they want to do. And that’s not wrong; it is just how it is. There are many in this situation trying to "persuade" but there is only so much you can do.  You cannot make someone dominant. You cannot make someone dominate, yes you can “lead” or “guide”, but ultimately, we can only be who we are and want to do the things that we want or need to.

I also saw someone ask within a blog if a certain type of relationship were possible.  Someone had answered with a point blank "No". And who are they to say that a certain type of relationship isn't possible?

There are people living the type of relationship that this person claimed couldn't exist.  And it is this which really pisses me off.  It may not be able to exist for them, it doesn't mean that it cannot exist for anyone else.  I wish at times people would say, that "no, for me it doesn't or couldn't work" rather than a "no its not possible".

It is possible.


People live it. 


Just because it doesn't work for that person, doesn't mean it doesn't for others. There are no hard and fast rules.  Anything in reality can exist and probably does for someone somewhere.

There is no one correct way. There isn't a "true" way, and one label doesn't fit all.  In fact, labels can define too much who we are and people then find that they do things to "fit" under that label, trying or forcing themselves to change, to fit under that label instead of being true to who they are.

It is important that we can be who we are, follow the path that we want to, not defined by labels, or being told that what we do is wrong. 

If it works for us it isn't wrong. 

And if something is wrong, if it doesn't work, then you find a way to deal with that and do something else.  Someone else can never be an "authority" on your own needs and wants apart from you. Nobody can ever be an "authority" on your relationship apart from those within it. 

Follow your mind, your heart and what is right for you, because at the end of the day, this is what matters.

Wanted . . online sadist.

So, I was browsing some profiles on a BDSM site today and I came across a profile where someone had detailed in their profile "Wanted . . .online sadist"

Now, before we go further lets just look at the  dictionary definition of sadism . . .

sa·dism n.

1. The deriving of sexual gratification or the tendency to derive sexual gratification from inflicting pain or emotional abuse on others.

2. The deriving of pleasure, or the tendency to derive pleasure, from cruelty.

3. Extreme cruelty.

Now for me, my sadism, the very strong at times sadistic streak or the "beast" which often lies in wait to be let out could never be gratified by being an "online sadist". Actually, is it even possible for someone to be an "online sadist"?  Those sadistic needs of mine, the beast within, could never be fulfilled or quietened by anything "online" full stop.

Now, yes I derive pleasure from hurting another. 

I do.

I have no reason to hide that fact, nor do I want to. 

I have a sadistic need.

There are things about being sadistic, about sadistic acts, about sadism in general that meets the needs that I have. 

I want it. I need it. I love it.

It isn't about causing harm, (and I'm not going to get into the debate or thoughts of it being "abuse"). It is about causing hurt. It is about inflicting pain.  My own sadistic need reacts in different ways to different people.  At times it can be something that just lies quietly beneath the surface, that I do not feel drawn to hurting that person, but at others it can be like a raging beast, and the need to then hurt becomes considerable.

It fulfils a need that I have within me. 

Sometimes it is sexually related in that yes, hurting another turns me on, it makes me wet, it arouses me. Seeing another in pain, taking that pain, crying from pain, or having their own masochistic needs met matches those of my own sadistic needs. However, I also derive a non sexual gratification from inflicting that pain, in that it fulfills in an emotional or "mental" way. 

But the important word here in all of this in terms of the sadism and sadistic needs is INFLICTING.

My need is met by the physical infliction, by carrying out the inflicting the pain physically myself, by carrying out the act itself.  Not telling someone else to do it, not telling someone to do it to themselves but ME doing it. Me hurting. Me causing that pain.

Now, I know that my needs, sexual, mental, emotional or otherwise as a sadist could never be met "online".  Is it possible to be an "online sadist" . . .I guess anything is possible if that is what they want to label themselves as. At the end of the day, labels only carry any meaning to the person themselves as they mean so many different things to many people. 



Bad Boy Gets a Birching by Alphonse Friaux

 But to me, being sadistic, having the sadistic needs met, this (to me and for me) means physically inflicting that pain, whether it be by hand, crop, whip or clamp, it is about physically carrying out the act and physically hurting the other person.  

Not me telling them to do it. Not watching someone else do it (although at times I can find it sexually arousing watching someone inflict pain on another)

I know that for me, I could never find any gratification in telling someone on the other side of a computer screen to hurt themselves. 

In that, they are just then following orders, but their mind will also prevent them from inflicting a pain beyond a level they control. As part of my sadism, comes the need to control, to control the act, to control the situation, to control the level of pain that is inflicted.

Yes I can understand how someone telling another person to inflict pain touches part of the sadistic need, after all someone is feeling pain, but you are not physically inflicting it, you are not yourself as the sadist inflicting that pain, so the gratification being derived from that will never ever come close to physically wielding the whip or whatever implement or "hitty" thing that you want to use.

Of course from a distance you can inflict emotional sadism, and this is a completely different ballgame altogether.  In fact, emotional sadism and emotional masochism are not a game to be taken lightly, in fact, it isn't a "game" to play at, at all in all honesty. 

It is something that can have very detrimental and negative responses if not "used" correctly.  Stepping into the arena of emotional masochism is certainly never something someone should ever take lightly, (I will write about that another time as it is something that interests me and has interested me for a long time) but, for me, the sadistic need is fulfilled by inflicting that pain, by causing that pain, by witnessing the reactions of the person I am hurting.  I want to see their pain, feel their pain, I want to see the look on their face, the expressions from their eyes, I want to hear their cries, hear the screams, I want to see the tears that fall and I want to be able to hold them after it all.

That is something that can never be felt "online", that just cannot be done "online". 

Now there is a place for some, for these "online" whatevers . . .but, they just are not, nor can they ever be, the same as reality, the same as they are if you step out from behind that screen and do it "for real" . . . from either side.

They don't compare.  They are different.  Different situations, different relationships, different dynamics to meet different needs.

I'm not saying that the way my needs are met is right or wrong, that the way "online" peoples needs are met are right or wrong.  I am saying what works for me, what doesn't work for me . . .what is right for me.

Now, before everyone "jumps" I am quite aware that some people have their needs met or can only extend to something "online", that for some it is all that they want to "explore", it is often how they dip their toes into the world of BDSM, how they find an understanding and how they learn, we can all get something from online resources, but in terms of "dynamics", in terms of anything else if that works for them fine . . . but for me, no. It doesn't. It isn't reality. 

I am not saying those who get their gratification online are wrong, that my way is better than theirs.  I am not saying anything is superior to the other.   What works for you fine.  But, it does piss me off when people try to compare.

They don't compare. They couldn't ever compare.  How can they? They are very different, so very different

And so an. . "online sadist" ?

Not me. Not now.

Not ever.







.

"You need a sub/slave . . . "

If I had a £ for everytime someone says to me "You need a sub or slave" I would be one very rich dominant woman. 

I hear it countless times when I mention that I am doing any number of domestic chores, when I mention that I have had to do anything from the gardening, to cleaning the car, to making a cup of tea. 

It seems that "some" believe that a sub or slave is the answer but seem locked into this fantasy thinking that Dominant women shouldn't be doing such things.  Oh if there was no such thing as "real life" as the "daily grind" then I am sure that we wouldn't be . .that I wouldn't be but . . .daily life is real, it does include the daily grind and as such it means that there are things that need doing . . .that have to be done regardless of our "persuasion", regardless of who we are.

And it maybe the case that having a houseboy, a service sub/slave would indeed make life easier, would indeed free up so much of my time that I could then focus that time on the relationship and dynamic, but it is getting to that point which is something that takes time, that takes care and isn't something which can ever be so simple as the words "you need a sub or slave"

Why is it that some, think that I shouldn't be doing these things? 

Being Dominant doesn't mean that you go through life without doing these things.

It doesn't mean that I am not capable of doing it, in fact I am more than capable of doing it all, that as a single parent I am totally used to doing it all.  It isn't a case of needing someone to do it. 

Doesn't mean to say it wouldn't be bliss not to have to do it all, doesn't mean that life wouldn't "benefit" from having a service sub, "slave" or any other title you want to give someone.  It doesn't mean that having someone to do these things wouldn't make things a whole lot easier . . .it would.

Yes I may want one. Yes I may desire one.

But do I need one for "domestic" reasons?

No. I don't need. 

Like? Desire? Yes maybe so . . .

If only it were that simple eh? 

Unfortunately, for those who live in the real world, we know all too well that it is not an easy answer, we know all too well that it isn't as easy as just "getting a sub or slave".  

I don't just want a submissive to do the ironing. I don't just want a submissive to clean the car or bring me tea in the mornings . . .the whole dynamic, the whole relationship is so much more than that, but to get to that whole much more takes time, and when you don't have a lot of time in life, it can be a viscious circle at times.

But, I know what I want.

I know what I don't. 

And yes I may need a sub.

But I need a whole lot more besides and that is what makes it less than easy, because I know that what I want isn't what many do want.  Although I read so many blogs of submissive men wishing their OH was dominant, wishing they would take on the "lead" in an FLR and it seems the submissives that I cross paths with, like the fantasy but not the reality, or do not want to take their submissive beyond the threshold of the bedroom. 

And I want and need more than that. And I want and need someone who wants and needs this just as much as I do.

Otherwise it doesn't work.

It just isn't that simple as "you need a sub".