12 October 2011

Lose the labels!

"I have tattoos, so I’m a trouble maker. I have curves, so I’m fat. If I wear makeup, I’m fake. If I say what I think, I’m a bitch. If I cry some times, I’m a drama queen. If I have guy friends, I’m a slut. If I stand up for myself, I’m mouthy. Seems like you can’t do anything nowadays without being labeled. So what, go ahead and label me, see if I give a shit…"

Ellen Dunsworth


There is something about labels that seriously get up my nose.  There seems to be a whole plethora of people who want to place labels on everyone else, or try to place themselves under a label which they are never going to fit.

I am an individual.

I take pride in that fact.  I like the fact tht I am different from many people and I don't try to make myself like another.  In short, I always try my upmost to stay true to myself, my beliefs, my wants and needs and desires.

And because of that I am not fond of labels.

I am not interested in having labels placed upon me, I am not interested in being labelled as anything, or defined as such.  Although to be honest, there would be so many that could possibly fit the list could be endless; and that is because I am who I am. 

I cannot fit into any little box which describes who I am or the needs that I have.  It would be impossible, unless I was to be chopped up into smaller pieces and each piece of me placed under all the appropriate labels that could potentially fit.

Of course in certain situations, lables can help in some ways.  They can help us to try to understand, get others to understand. They can go some way to explaining.

But, as is so often the case, people allow these labels to define them, to define who they are and their actions.  But in allowing this to happen, it can go so far that, not only do they define the person, but that person shapes themselves to fit the label.  That the label can mould the person so that they fit, instead of being what they are whatever that may be.

This, is something we see a great deal of in relation to BDSM.  A whole host of labels of dominant, top, submissive, slave, switch, sadist, masochist. . . it really is endless.  And people all over the place are trying to place themselves under a label to "fit".  And yet, on top of that, there's the whole host of labels given to the relationship dynamics too ~ D/s, M/s, FLR, HOH, Vanilla etc etc etc  But, many relationships bring together aspects from different ones, and it then becomes almost an impossibility to use any label.

It is the same for people.

Or at least for me it is.

I know that I do not fit into the traditional "Domme" role.  I know and am fully aware that I have been dominant all of my life, I know that I am dominant and that I have the need for control and to be in control.  I have even had what for me I guess I can refer to as a "vanilla" relationship yet, it was still female led.  And yet, it didn't need to be labelled anything.  I don't believe that I, or my relationships need to be labelled as anything, because there isn't just one that fit.  There would be many. Things that describe the dynamic and the people within them, things that describe the characteristics of those within them . . .it cannot be just one.

When I first discovered all things "BDSM", I did explore in depth the labels that get thrown around.  What they mean. What they stand for.  And like so many, there was a time in the very early days that I even tried to apply them to myself, my wants, my needs, my relationships.  But then when we label, there is this pressure that we place on ourselves to change.  There is a pressure to "fit" under that label and what others think or believe is right or wrong.

As such, these labels then change us.  They do not represent who we are. And I strongly believe that they hinder me.  And I say me, because I know that for many, they live for labels and place themselves underneath them. 

So. For me. Labels went out of the window.

I am who I am.  And while I may not fit under what labels people try to pigeon hole me under, I fit into what is right for me.  I fit quite perfectly in my world.

I am me.  People can draw whatever conclusions they wish.  In fact, people will draw whatever conclusions they wish to even without the labels.

But I know what I like. What I don't. I know what I want.  What I don't. I know what I need from a relationship, what I need from another as well as from myself.  I don't need labels to tell me that.  I don't need to be defined or limited by such.

I have always known I was kinky.  And I mean, from earliest sexual fantasies. I have always been dominant. I have always been in control of my life, my actions and the things I do within it.  I have a need for that control and have to have it.  But, I also am aware that my needs in terms of relationships don't fall under any "label" either. 

It simply is, for me, a way of being.

Whether people think that certain aspects are D/s, M/s, "Vanilla", Femdom, FLR.  It doesn't ultimately matter.  Everyone will have differing beliefs and opinions as to what comes under what label anyway.  Everyone will have different definitions, everyone will have a different angle, a different approach. And that is ok . . .but it also means that labels themselves lose their value and their validity.

What fits under a label for one, will not for another.  So in that way, labels cannot really help.

Yes of course, they can have some positives in terms of helping to explain, to give some "idea", to help others understand.

But, labels can define us.  Labels can hinder us and limit us. But more so, we can find that we change to fit under certain labels, because others think that is how it should be.

It isn't. 

We just need to be true to ourselves.  Be happy with our way of being.  It doesn't need to be defined, or limited, or hindered.  Quite simply, it does not need to even be labelled.

So, let's just be.  Let's lose the labels!

1 comment:

  1. I think labelling is like alcohol - a bit of it is probably quite good for you (in a D/s context it can help to identify suitable partners much quicker), but too much of it is likely to be harmful (stereo-typing, constraining individual behaviour etc.)

    Without any form of labelling I don't think I would have ever come across your blog - and that would have been a shame!