Space

In the quiet of the darkness, I feel the distance between us like a weight pressing down on my chest. I find myself tracing the contours of distance, a vast expanse that seems to widen despite my longing for closeness. 

Is it you drifting or me fading into the backdrop of uncertainty? 

Your absence echoes in the empty spaces of our shared moments, and the silence between us grows louder than any words we could exchange. I yearn for the closeness, for the warmth and the sound of your voice filling the void within me.

As I lie awake, consumed by thoughts I can't help but feel the ache of longing in every fibre of my being. The inner beast within me stirs restlessly, craving the connection that seems to be lost to the passage of time and distance. They were like sleeping beasts, their presence felt but their roar muted, waiting for the catalyst to awaken them from their rest. Then, you came into my life like a gentle breeze on a still night, a whisper that stirred the depths of my soul. Your presence kindling flames where there were once only embers, igniting a fervour that courses through my veins as if you've unlocked a hidden chamber within me, revealing desires and longings I knew existed but have not felt for so long.

Yet, memories flicker like distant stars in the night sky, beautiful yet unreachable, leaving me to navigate the darkness alone. I long to feel your presence, to share even in the mundane moments yet I find myself adrift in a sea of uncertainty, unsure of where we stand or if we stand at all. It feels fragile, like a thread stretched thin, threatening to snap at any moment. And yet, amidst the longing, there are moments of clarity, moments when I can still see you clearly. In those moments, I am reminded of the beauty that lies within you, and feel the intensity of how much I want you and how much I wish you were here.

But then, just as quickly as it comes, the moment fades, leaving me alone once more, grappling with the emptiness that fills the space between us. 

And so I wait, counting time hoping against hope that someday soon, you will be here, and we will be connected. 

"...ing".....

Seed planting

Thoughts developing

Nerves building

Excitement mounting

Butterflies growing

Time passing

Eyes meeting

Knees quivering

Hands shaking

Face smiling

Cheeks blushing

Eyes lowering

Skin touching

Pores perspiring

Mouth sighing

Lips touching

Tongues meeting

Hands roving

Hearts thumping

Body longing

Hands groping

Fingers rubbing

Mouths groaning

Trousers straining

Arms gripping

Mouth exploring

Senses exploding

Cock hardening

Eyes darkening

Lust building

Bodies aching

Cunt dripping

Tongue lapping

Heart pounding

Muscles tensing

Toes curling

Limbs clamping

Palms twitching

Mouths groaning

Hips plunging

Hands gripping

Teeth biting

Mouths Screaming

Bodies convulsing

Fluids releasing

Throat sighing

Arms holding

Time passing

Bodies spooning

Calm returning

Come, kiss me awake

Come,

kiss me awake,

my love.

As my lips touch yours

as dawn breaks.

Come,

kiss me awake,

my heart.

Feel the rhythm

as it beats fiercely

for you.

I breathe you in,

gently,

and filled with

your scent,

my body aches in

anticipation of lips

pressed against

my own.

Come, kiss me,

until we are

breathless, left

gasping for air.

Come, now

kiss me

senseless.

Empty Dreams

Elusive sleep.

The night so cold

And all is empty.

The touch I need

yet I cannot have.

The night is dark.

The need is harsh.

I feel a longing

for heat,

for you

and you are far

a ghost it seems.

And the night

is filled with

only

empty dreams.

Images & Visions

My eyes paint images

I've not yet seen

of you.

My mind creates visions

I've not yet witnessed

of you wanting,

needing

bared and exposed.

And I think of all

the ways that I

want you and

with each new thought

the desire builds,

the wanting grows,

the longing aches.

Let us paint the images,

create the visions.

Let us share the desire

and wanting

and need.

Out of the comfort zone...

I've never been much of a "scene" person. 

Munches hold little interest for me or to me. 

Clubs - I haven't really found them to be my "thing" either, I've been to a couple in the dim and distant past, but certainly as a "bystander" rather than a participant.

And I know that is just how it was then . . .but who is to say it is that way now?

I wanted to go to a rope workshop this week, but with everything else that happened last week I couldn't quite bring myself to go, even though I've always had a lurking interest in learning how to fling string.  I feel disappointed that I didn't just put myself there regardless of how I was feeling about going.

I would say that I'm more introvert than extrovert, I'm comfortable in that way and that works for me, I don't particularly care what people think of that, it's just how it is.  But life can pass by.  And I think that is how I am feeling right now.

Some recent events have made me really question myself, where I am, but more so what it is that I ultimately want and need from life.

This past week or so has really made me start evaluating, reflecting, and while it's also closed the heart off considerably, while it's put a wariness of trusting back in the forefront, it's also made me take a step back, reflect and see what I'm missing out on but also what I can do to change that.  Ultimately though, that can only come from one person - me! 

A short space of time has passed but various events within it has made me feel so much anger towards myself and the trust I'd put out there, it's made me feel all sorts of things that I really wish I didn't feel.  Other events have made me realise that life can be incredibly short, and that the loss of my friend as I wrote *here* has made me determined to make some more positive changes, to take some positive steps and that is what I am intending to do.

I'm going to step out of my comfort zone that is often far too comfortable for our own good, I'm going to step out of that zone and experience things that I may not have done before.  New things, different things, and yes I know that some things may make me feel uncomfortable, but as they say great things never come from comfort zones.

it's time to step out there, and it's time for some great things!  I'm going to venture to some clubs, I'm going to venture to some workshops.  I've got some great friends who share this lifestyle, it's time to reconnect until I hopefully am able to truly connect in the way that I want to - with one.

Need

“I close my eyes, inhale, and feel a rush of heat and energy that takes my breath away.

It is the feeling of wanting something so much that it borders on an actual need, and the power and urgency of this need overwhelms me.”

Emily Griffin, Love the One You’re With

*This* is one of those times when no other words are needed.  These words, this picture says it all.

The want. The desire. The need....

*sigh*

Invitation

She was led on the bed propped up against pillows, leaning to one side, her head gently resting on her hand as she watched him standing by the side of the bed.  He stood there, slowly removing his clothes, his eyes not breaking the stare that she held him in.

There was an animal in both of their eyes.

Hers watching her prey, his watching her trying to decode the thoughts and images that were flashing before her eyes which had darkened with a lust and desire as she watched him strip.

He stood there, completely bared before her. 

She watched him,  studying his body closely. 

She took in the shape of his lips and wanted to devour him with her own.  Her eyes took in the shape of his neck and she wanted to kiss and bite him.  She took in the shape of his naked torso, his cock that was slowly beginning to betray his own body and his own desirous thoughts.  She looked at his face once more, smiling as he blushed, aware that she had read his thoughts without really knowing what they were and that she had seen the involuntary movements of his stiffening cock.

He waited until she beckoned him into bed.

There was always that moment.  The moment he waited for her command that he may join her.  He climbed on the bed slowly, crawling across the mattress on his knees, his balls and stiffening cock hanging down below him.  She took in the sight before her, her depraved and lascivious thoughts running through her mind as she watched him come closer.

He was co-operative prey. Her prey. 

And she was watching him, waiting for that moment when she would claim his mouth and his body with her own.  He blushed again as if embarrassed by his own thoughts and still she did not break his gaze.  There were no prudish thoughts here, there was no room for prissiness.  There were animals in their eyes. 

He reached out, stroking the side of her face as she leaned into his touch.  His hand reaching into her hair, gripping it tightly, pulling her closer to his mouth until she began to crush his lips against her own.  They kissed deeply, tongues probing and exploring and as a responsive, appreciative groan escaped from his lips it sent a shiver straight through her body to the depths of her.  The more their mouths explored, the more she longed for him, desired him, needed him, wanted him.  Pulling away slightly, she wiped the wetness from her lips, she felt free in her desires for him, he felt uninhibited by her gaze that fell upon him. 

Their faces only centimetres apart and she watched him still, his hand still gripping her hair as she moved her head slightly to feel the pressure of his fingers pulling on her hair, she breathed in deeply, her mouth open slightly needing to meet his own once more. 

And his cock is stiff, jutting out from his body and yet not quite close enough to be touching her, and she leaned back in for more, grabbing him, biting at his neck and shoulders, watching him flinch at the short sharp bites that left small red marks in a trail across his shoulders. 

Her mouth moved to his nipples, biting him hard as he flinched at the sudden sharpness of pain.  Her hand reaching up to touch his face, fingers tracing the line of his lips and his chin, still wet from their passionate embrace of moments before. 

And she began to devour him, aggressively, his own aggression and force meeting her own as he sunk his teeth into the depths of her neck her own appreciative groan escaping from her lips made his cock stiffen further. 

She leaned back, exposing herself to his mouth, to his unrelenting teeth and the sharp pain of flesh trapped between them as he started to bite her neck, her shoulders and down to her breasts.  Gripping them in his hands, the pain came over her in exquisite waves, from the point of contact from his mouth, down through her body to her cunt.  She could feel her own wetness growing with each contact his mouth made.

His finger nails clawed at her bare skin sending shivers down her body, goosebumps forming on her skin, peppering her arms and legs, the moans that escaped from her mouth spurred him on further.  His own hunger matching hers, his own aggression matching the building onslaught of hers.

Her hair still wrapped in his fist, his face still cupped in her hands, his mouth being assaulted with hers.  She wanted him, longed for him, she wanted him inside her.  Without loosening the hand in her hair he reached down between her legs and attacked her cunt.  Her juices enabling him to easily slide in a finger, then two, then three.  Fucking her with his fingers her body reacted pushing against him, wanting him to fill her deeper.  She wrapped herself around his shoulders and hung on to him.

She came hard.  Her body wracked with the orgasm that ripped through her body, soaking his fingers,  and as he pulled his glistening hand away, his face replaced the fingers that had been buried deep within her, his tongue delving deep, bringing her once again to the edge of ecstasy with his mouth sucking and biting and delving deep into her cunt.

She came hard again, more than once, more than twice, he was stealing her pleasure, taking her orgasms with his mouth.

The smell of sex filled the air, she was inviting him in deeper, drawing him closer, wanting him to ravage her with his mouth. 

And as he continued to steal the orgasms from her body, urged on by her reactions and the sounds that escaped from her lips, the juices surged from her into his mouth, over his face, she was lost to him in that moment.  She felt him taking her in, her wetness, the juices that he had brought from her, as she held him tightly.

She wanted him, and shamelessly opened herself to him, inviting him in.

He accepted her invitation.

I awoke

I awoke with

the hard longing

of hunger

to have you here.

To see you

naked beside me,

bared before me.

I awoke with

a hard longing

of hunger

to hold you,

to touch you,

to kiss you,

to hurt you.

I awoke with

a hard longing

for you to

enter the depths

of my desire,

and me.

Oh, how I want

Oh, how I want

you.

Stripped naked

so I can cover you with

my hands, my body

my mouth.

Oh, how I want

to trace each line of

your body,

feeling you

shiver,

feeling you

relax under the touch

of my fingers,

of my

tongue.

Oh, how I want to

hear the

sharp intake of breath

as I lean in covering

your mouth with my own,

to feel your lips

pressed against mine,

drawing you in to the warmth

of my mouth,

deeper and closer.

Oh, how I want

to taste every last

part of you,

to touch you,

hold you

and feel you as

I devour.

Tangling in a closeness

of a passionate

kiss.

Oh, how I want YOU.

Passing the keys . . .

Chastity, something that I've always been drawn to. 

I've blogged about it quite often, including THIS entry where I wrote about what's in it for the lady. 

That blog post talks at length about what it is I love, what I get out of keeping someone locked and denied, and let's face it, I get a WHOLE lot out of it.  And yet, right now, I'm getting other things from it that are quite new, quite different.

It is something that has played a part in the past in varying degrees.  But there have always been similar aspects of it that have run through the "act", familiar thoughts, familiar feelings.  I know how it feeds my "beast", I know how it feeds my desire and need for control.  And really, there hasn't really been anything that has felt quite different for me. 

Until now. 

There are a whole host of things which are contrasting for and with me right now.  And this is different too.  I had lots of time to reflect on this as I drove home today, thoughts going to what is different, why it feels different.

And I LOVE the fact that it is.

I LOVE the fact that there are things that are new and fresh and it's like seeing things which I've always enjoyed, always loved or felt drawn to through different eyes, with different thoughts and feelings.

And yes, the feelings are important - chastity, is still very much, as indeed everything is for me, emotionally driven. 

I have no desire to deny someone if it is emotionally lacking. 

It is this with everything, without that emotion, without those feelings, everything is just empty, I don't want empty, I want those feelings that emotionally drive.  I want things filled with a depth of feeling, that overwhelming sense of emotion that drives so much of the things that we may do. 

The things that I do. 

And while it may be quite soon, today, I have the keys . . . and sometimes . . .just sometimes for however much I may think, or reflect or write, sometimes the right words, just cannot be found. 

But, regardless of how soon, regardless of how early, there is still emotions driving right now.  I haven't quite processed all of the thoughts and feelings that I may have about it all right now . . .but there are emotions driving.

And, they, the keys . . . are here with me.  :-D

While he is locked up (first pic) I have the keys on a necklace around my neck (second pic).

It isn't a small thing.

Someone choosing to give up this part of them to ultimately be controlled by another.  I am not indifferent to just how hard it is to be denied, to give that up.  I am quite aware that it's not an easy thing but I am quite aware of how it also makes me feel.

It's a big step. 

Both for him as he gives that up and indeed for me in terms of having control of that.  It's a big step, but a rather delicious and wonderful one and while I haven't quite processed the new feelings I have, he may have the device to remind him, something serving as a physical reminder if we are not together (along with the lack of physical release of course), but I have something physical to remind me too. 

And that . . .that is rather quite fabulous!


*originally written Thursday March 23rd*

Screw poetry!

"Screw poetry, it's you I want, your taste, rain on you, mouth on your skin."
Margaret Atwood

There are no poetic words waiting to spill all over the page.  There is no melodious soliloquy or discourse. 

There is no painting of aimless silhouette's on a naked canvas depicting an artistic longing.

Instead there is just the carnal and lascivious desires that are burning, that are longing, that are screaming for attention.  There is the ravenous hunger for sensual touch, your touch. 

Your fingers, your hands, your mouth over me, upon me, in me.

There is the rousing desires, of wants and needs. 

Screw the words, screw the poetry, screw the art upon bare canvas. 

Instead  I want you. 

Your hands, your mouth, your body touching mine.  Instead I want to touch you, to kiss you, to bite you and hurt you.  I want to breath you in, taste you, hold you.

There is no need for epodic rhyme. 

There is just a need for a moment.  A moment with you, with a mellifluous symphony of desirous worship.

Stroke yourself

"Stroke yourself"

She wanted to watch him stroke himself, there is something she loves about watching him, the long hard, deliberate stokes. 

Watching him create his own torment, his own suffering after being denied release for so long.

There is something she loves about watching his own hand wrapped around his cock, the way his eyes are filled with lust, the desire darkening the colour of his eyes.

She wanted to watch the pre-cum drip from him, as she tormented his nipples with her fingers, her mouth, and her teeth.  The whole image was hot for her, created her own lustful desire deep within.  Watching him was like her own self torment. 

"Harder"

She wanted to watch him stroke himself harder, to watch his tightening fist, a low growl of longing, a pleading look as he hoped to be allowed to find the release that his body had ached for, that his body longed for and still she denied him.  She wanted to prolong his wait, wanted to prolong his suffering, his torment, his desire.

He pleaded and begged for his release and only when it was granted was he allowed to release the salty seed which spurted onto his body, slowly dripping down his fist and over his fingers. 

A low growl released from deep within him echoed around the room.  His eyes shined with lust and hers with desire.  She fed him his own cum covered fingers.

"Here is your treat" she whispered as he devoured his own fingers before her eyes.

 

Regaining my control...

There is something about the early hours of the morning, or is it the late hours of the night that brings about a time of thought, of reflection that other times of day do not seem to. 

As an insomniac, I see this time of night on a far too regular basis, and when the night is dark, when there is no sound, it can seem, for some an almost lonely time.  And yet, I am so used to this time, this space, these moments of stillness it often brings a sense of calm.  For me it is a time when the mind often floods with thoughts, with memories, as it recalls, as it reflects, as it tries to find an understanding of things that may be happening.

I've paced the house on a couple of occasions this week, watched the dark of the night gently fade into the light of a new day, a night which has passed without sleep, but certainly not without thought. 

I sometimes wish there was an off switch to the mind, to my mind.  I often wish that there was something, anything which would just switch off the noise in my own head, stop the agitated thoughts that flood the mind, helping to ease some of tumultuous introspection. 

And yet, it is often at this time of night when I can and do find a level of understanding of myself, my thoughts, the feelings I may have, but this has alluded me this week also.  As I take the time in the dark and quiet, to simply be. To simply feel.  To simply sit in the feelings and thoughts that I have to seek a level of understanding and clarity.  And it is often, at this time, that I reach here . . .my blog . . .my place where I can literally work through and find an understanding of where I am. 

(So . . .here I am . . . )

A lot of the noise this week has been work related, one of the downsides of being self employed when things aren't going as well as they should or were, when things are up in the air it can bring along a level of stress as you simply have to try and work things out, begin to make plans, try to step back from the situation that has brought this stress to the surface. 

It was hard stepping back for me this past week, situations left a level of anger that I've not felt for a long time, and still some of it lurks now (although the situation is almost resolved). 

But more so I don't like how this has had an effect on other things this week too.

And then of course, my mind is flooded with thoughts of something, of someone who has come into life like a damn whirlwind

:-D  (a rather wonderful one mind!) making the solid foundation gently rock and sway. 

It has been a long time since someone has filled my thoughts in this way, it's been a long time since I have physically found myself missing someone, of finding myself wanting to be with them, to spend time with them, to just be close.  It's been a long time since I've found myself drawn to someone, of wanting to learn about them, to get to know them to their very depths.  It's been a long time since there has been any other focus apart from my son and my work! So, it's all very different.  But all very good!

And I am here, trying to find an understanding of what is so very different, of what it is that my head? My Heart? Both? is not yet able to get an understanding of.  

The understanding alludes me right now. 

So I am here, delving and exploring, the thoughts in my mind, of where I am, after all I can always rely on a good writing session to help me find a clarity.

I love how things are so very different. 

I do not feel as if I've taken these steps before.  I do not feel as if I've walked down this path before and that for me is a wonderful thing. 

Truly.

But then, when things are so very different, it takes getting used to, you (*I*) have to find a steady footing, and then it's all happening at lightning speed and that's different too and that on it's own makes some things a little harder to comprehend...

And yet....

And yet, things do not seem too quick (in fact, my desires, my hopes, my thoughts are even further ahead than we actually are)!

But, simply put, I can't quite put my finger on the word that I need, of the word that would describe how it is, how I'm feeling.  I have so many thoughts and words flying around in my head, it as if they are all shouting at me, screaming at me to take notice and I can't quite hear.  Some of the words seem so negative though and there's not a negative thing about this in the slightest. (apart from the fact that it is the depths of the night and I am sat here alone  - wishing I wasn't - trying to find a clarity, trying to find words)

Unsettled? 

No.  As that would suggest an unease or that there was a worry sitting behind these feelings, of what is happening.  And I don't feel worry or unease.

It would suggest lacking stability and that isn't right either.

Agitated?  No. 

Flustered?  No. 

Perturbed, shaken, upset?  No. None of these. 

Not in the slightest.

Perhaps it is  (I am) unsettled in relation to change, change in life, change in thoughts, change in focus, change in where I am and where I want, (hope or desire to be).  Perhaps it is because life is changing, (has already changed) in a most surprising way and because I want it to change in many, many more ways.

Yes.  Perhaps that is it. 

Or perhaps it's just I wasn't expecting the unexpected and right now, I'm not in control of just how I am feeling?

Hmmmm..... (here comes the hitting the nail on the head . . .)

Yes.

Perhaps that is exactly it. 

A shift in the control I have of my own thoughts, of my own feelings, because of something so wonderfully unexpected. 

But, it isn't that I am unsettled, or that things are unsettling me, it's because I'm flooded with a whole new load of thoughts, and feelings and desires and longings and I wasn't expecting it.  I've been open to it, but it hasn't happened. 

Until now. 

And that's it. 

I'm at a point where currently I am not in control of where I am, of how I am feeling, of what I am thinking and I need to take that back, I need to find that balance, I need to be back in control of "me", in control of the thoughts, and finding the balance that feeds me and for the steps going forward.

And because I thought that the understanding of it all was alluding me, I felt unsettled and it is not that way at all.  I've actually been a little out of control of my own thoughts, my own feelings, of my own brain

Because after all, I think I've said it before . . . it's all about control.  ;-)