I've blogged about it quite often, including THIS entry where I wrote about what's in it for the lady.
That blog post talks at length about what it is I love, what I get out of keeping someone locked and denied, and let's face it, I get a WHOLE lot out of it. And yet, right now, I'm getting other things from it that are quite new, quite different.
It is something that has played a part in the past in varying degrees. But there have always been similar aspects of it that have run through the "act", familiar thoughts, familiar feelings. I know how it feeds my "beast", I know how it feeds my desire and need for control. And really, there hasn't really been anything that has felt quite different for me.
There are a whole host of things which are contrasting for and with me right now. And this is different too. I had lots of time to reflect on this as I drove home today, thoughts going to what is different, why it feels different.
And I LOVE the fact that it is.
I LOVE the fact that there are things that are new and fresh and it's like seeing things which I've always enjoyed, always loved or felt drawn to through different eyes, with different thoughts and feelings.
And yes, the feelings are important - chastity, is still very much, as indeed everything is for me, emotionally driven.
I have no desire to deny someone if it is emotionally lacking.
It is this with everything, without that emotion, without those feelings, everything is just empty, I don't want empty, I want those feelings that emotionally drive. I want things filled with a depth of feeling, that overwhelming sense of emotion that drives so much of the things that we may do.
The things that I do.
And while it may be quite soon, today, I have the keys . . . and sometimes . . .just sometimes for however much I may think, or reflect or write, sometimes the right words, just cannot be found.
But, regardless of how soon, regardless of how early, there is still emotions driving right now. I haven't quite processed all of the thoughts and feelings that I may have about it all right now . . .but there are emotions driving.
And, they, the keys . . . are here with me. :-D
While he is locked up (first pic) I have the keys on a necklace around my neck (second pic).
It isn't a small thing.
Someone choosing to give up this part of them to ultimately be controlled by another. I am not indifferent to just how hard it is to be denied, to give that up. I am quite aware that it's not an easy thing but I am quite aware of how it also makes me feel.
It's a big step.
Both for him as he gives that up and indeed for me in terms of having control of that. It's a big step, but a rather delicious and wonderful one and while I haven't quite processed the new feelings I have, he may have the device to remind him, something serving as a physical reminder if we are not together (along with the lack of physical release of course), but I have something physical to remind me too.
And that . . .that is rather quite fabulous!
*originally written Thursday March 23rd*