12 November 2011

A perfect sub?

What makes a perfect sub?

This is the question that someone asked me today.

Firstly, I don't think that there is such a thing. The word "perfect" makes it something that isn't achievable. Something which is a fantasy of something that isn't realistically attainable.

Nobody is "perfect", nobody can be perfect and if we set ourselves up with an expectation of finding someone perfect, then we will always fail.

While no-one can be perfect, I do think it is possible for there to be a "right sub".  A sub that is right for a certain type of dynamic, a sub that is right for me and the things that I may look for or seek.

Just as there can be a Dominant that is right for a particular sub and the type of dynamic or relationship that they may seek or need.  Of course it doesn't mean that things will be perfect (nothing ever is!), nor does it mean that being the "right" person will mean that they do not make mistakes.

After all, everyone does.

In a fantasy world, in the backs of our imaginations I guess we could all have our "perfect" other half.  The perfect sub, or the perfect dominant, someone who would do everything and meet every need.  But, it seems so false. Not a reality, but a robotic fantasy of what someone could never ultimately achieve.

If we aim for that, if that is what we strive for, then I believe we are all going to fall short of that y'know? No-one will ever meet the expectations that we may have, because they are wholly unrealistic.  

I think it is important that we don't aim for that perfection, it isn't compromising, it is being realistic.  Even those we think are "perfect" have their flaws. Their weaknesses. Their failings.

We all do.

So, what can make a sub right for an FLR?

I think it is more a case of certain traits, certain characteristics as well as someone who has the same need and desire for an FLR as I do, but from a submissive angle of course.

I know what I am and I am aware that the type of dynamic that I seek is one which is purely a Female Led Relationship.  So, if that is right for me and in turn I am right for it, then there is more than likely a submissive who it is right for and where the FLR dynamic is right for them too.

Makes sense right?

So, when answering this question earlier I tried to explain that while I don't subscribe to the "perfect sub" that I think there are traits, characteristics that would make someone right for me and for the type of relationship that I would seek.

So . . .what is that?  What can make a sub right for an FLR . . .

Well . . .(and these are my thoughts, and I am not suggesting that someone is going to have all of them!) but . . .

A man who is able to serve with consistency but also constancy.  Someone who doesn't just want to submit or serve when they are horny or aroused.  In short my own dominance, my own need for control and to be in that control extends way beyond the bedroom and I need someone who is able to accept that, embrace it  and need it in the same way.  

A man who is capable of submitting in that way, not someone who only wants to submit in the bedroom. I need more. I expect more and I want him too as well.

A man who isn't submitting to get "rewards" and "treats".  The need and the desire to submit must come from the fulfilment that he gets from submitting.

A man who understands the fact that I don't do rewards.  Yes I do treats, I like to treat someone, gift someone, surprise someone, but not as a reward for service.  I want and need someone who is fulfilled from the pleasure that he gives, but whose ultimate needs are met through that serving.  Not someone who will only do something because there is the expectancy that they will be rewarded for doing it.  That isn't submitting to me.

A man who doesn't need to be "forced" to submit, but someone who does so freely, from his choice, from his desire, because it is how he is wired. It is his psyche.

A man whose submitting isn't conditional.  A man who doesn't only submit when his needs, wants, fetishes or kinks are present.  Let me explain ~ I have no problem with a submissive having wants, needs, desires. After all, if those aren't met, the relationship will fail. What doesn't work for me is that if those fetishes aren't present that it prevents him from submitting.  

A man who enjoys life and the interaction with his partner.  I enjoy life, I enjoy the interaction with a partner on many levels, it isn't all about fantasy for me.  It cannot be for him either.

A man who can communicate, who is able to connect on many levels and not just from a sexual viewpoint.  He must be able to interact, to converse, to discuss, to share thoughts, feelings, emotions, with openness, clarity and honesty.

A man who needs to give himself up to the control.  I need to be in control.  For me, it is all about control.  That control isn't always sexual and at times it can be very much removed from being anything sexual.  The right sub for me is someone who needs to have that control over them, but someone who is quite capable of thinking for themselves, able to make decisions and certainly able to when necessary.  

A man who doesn't need to be micromanaged.  Someone who is an adult and a responsible one at that, I don't want a child and I have no wish to treat someone as a child.  So to be right for me they must be a responsible adult, who wants to be treated as such, but more so, will behave as such.

A man who doesn't manipulate. A man who is non-controlling (after all, that's my domain! lol) but who is quite capable of thinking for himself who isn't fearful or scared of taking the initiative to please without always being told what to do.

A man who will uphold all that he offers, freely.  That he is able to submit and demonstrate that he doesn't always need an instruction to do so, simply because he wishes to please and has a desire to do so. 

A man who is fulfilled in bringing pleasure in many ways, to make someone feel special, who is as responsible for his own happiness as he is for my own, but knowing that it will be that way in return.  He must accept responsibility for his submission and understand that he must do all he can to please his Dominant in the ways that she likes to be pleased.

A man who isn't selfish, who is driven by his desire to serve and please and who finds fulfillment in such.

A man who is honest and open minded, but also realises that every dominant is different and that he must approach a relationship with me with an open and refreshed mind. Expecting it to be different from others' approach and to be open to this and embrace it.

A man who is able to give the space for a dominant to discover her power, and to exert it. But a man who is fully aware that it is as much about his contribution as it is from my side and that it comes from both.

A man who will do what he says, who will fulfill the promises that he makes.  Who is able to anticipate needs and take care of them, even before being asked, and who doesn't need to have orders relayed to him 24 hours a day to do every little thing.

A man who realises it is not about dressing up, it isn't about fetish or kink and that it is about a whole. A whole relationship and that he wants and needs that whole. Someone who agrees that a relationship cannot just survive if it is based on those kinks and fetish.

A man who has a need to follow an FLR, one which involves as much in terms of romantic love and attachment as it does being service orientated.  Who wants a reality not something "scene based".

A man who can laugh as much as he can love. A man who can make me smile as much as he can make me feel adored.  A man who is as self aware as he is sensuous. Who is as comfortable in conversation as he is in silence. Who is attentive, dependable, and willing.

A man who is who he says he is.  A man who wants it all. But who wants it because he needs it, needs it in the form of an FLR, because of what he can give to it, not because of what he can get.

So . . .

There is such a thing as someone who is "right". Whether we ultimately find that, who knows.  But it starts with knowing what we want, what we need, being open with that, but open to it.

So no. I don't think there's a "perfect sub". There isn't a perfect anything.  But I do believe so very much that there can be someone who is "right". Someone who is right for a certain type of relationship.

Someone who is right for another.


  1. I think as beauty, perfection is in the eye of the beholder. We give words power. "Perfect" is just a word and not an actual concept. However for someone who doesn't believe in perfection I do think your list of what you're seeking seems a bit detailed. I hope you're able to find this non-perfect submissive who can be all those things.

  2. Thank you for your comment. In here, I mentioned the traits and characteristics that may feature or are important, things that I may look for. I haven't said that I am or would expect to find all of those things within one person, but they certainly are things that I may look for. Many of them are very closely linked, a lot of them are actually quite basic, more so than detailed and many of them naturally in place with someone who naturally has a desire to submit.

    Regards, Kat

  3. Just an absolutely incredible bit of writing Miss Top_Kat. I think I'll be coming back here to read this every time I start to doubt I'll ever find what I want!