16 November 2011
“I fail a lot but in my heart I’m trying,” he told me.
It was almost too sad to hear.
Because if someone is failing a lot, then there are reasons why they are and it isn't just going to be down to one person.
Is he being set up to fail by his dominant?
Is he being placed into situations which they know he won't succeed in?
Is he being instructed without clarity?
Is he being overloaded with rules, instructions and methods?
I think if someone within their submission feels that they fail a lot, (and maybe it is that they feel that they do and may not actually be the reality!) then a serious look needs to be given to the reasons why. Are they actually failing or is it them feeling that they are? Do they get positive or negative feedback?
Failing or indeed the feeling of failing isn't good, not for anyone involved. Someone can try as hard as they might, just as he was trying. But, he could be failing for many reasons. Yet, as many will relate, knowing that you have "failed" the dominant or let them down can be one of the worst feelings in the world, and very few people would want to put themselves into that place of experiencing those feelings from choice.
Why would he want to fail? He doesn't. He is trying. He is doing his best. But, it's not quite "there" . . .
Maybe it is because the instructions he has been given are not clear. Maybe it is because he hasn't understood what has been asked of him. Maybe he is being loaded with far too many things to remember all at once. Maybe it is because he is not receiving the support and help that may be needed to positively achieve and succeed in the things that he does.
All of these things are important, they are also IMO the responsibility of the Dominant. If someone keeps failing, then it is important that we know why, and if it is through lack of clarity or lack of understanding that steps are taken to resolve those issues so it doesn't keep on happening.
Personally, if a submissive of mine kept failing in such a way, I would certainly look upon it as my responsibility, not only to find out what is causing it, but also to change things so it doesn't continue happening. Maybe it needs different methods, more time, more clarification, but it certainly needs something.
Sometimes we can try as hard as we can, give everything that we can and still not succeed, as long as we know that we have given our all then to be honest, that is all we can do, all we can ask. But, when someone is in a place of feeling constant failure when in their heart of hearts they do believe they are giving it there all, then something is very wrong.