05 January 2012

Excitement ~ the acts or the response?

"My experience with other "dominant" women is that, frequently, they only act dominant, and are excited not by the dominant acts themselves, but by the excitement given off by a submissive man in their life." The Lazy Domme's Guide.

A couple of weeks ago when I was browsing through various blogs and I came across the above writing which was made within a blog by Lazy Domme.  It was referring to the fact that in the writer's experience many dominant women often aren't excited by the dominant acts themselves but by the responses and the excitement that stems from the submissive man in their life.

The author goes on to write within the blog about how to change that and how to make it more exciting for women ~ it is a blog which certainly struck a chord with me for many reasons, one I enjoyed reading and one certainly worth checking out!  But the comment I've quoted above was one that kinda stuck with me.

It stood out.

It certainly got me thinking (and I love comments and words that do that!)

I think it stood out, because for me, it couldn't be further from the truth, the fact that I personally get so much from the dominant acts.  But also maybe it stuck because I cannot imagine anything worse than just having to do things "just because" and not getting any pleasure or enjoyment out of it. 

For me, I am totally excited by the dominant acts.

I am totally excited by the acts of sadism. 

Because if I wasn't excited by them, if I didn't enjoy them, I wouldn't be doing them.

Why would I want to do something that I didn't like or enjoy?

The quthor went on to comment that she felt that many dominant women are getting a raw end of a deal, by not getting pleasure out of the acts themselves. And yes, perhaps it is a raw deal.

Of course, there will always be people who are doing just that.  Just as there are those who "submit" just to please their more dominant partner.  Just like there are those in an FLR where the woman doesn't truly want to lead the relationship but are "guided" by the submissive.  There will be people who will get a raw deal. People who will do things just to please and not because it meets their wants or desires.

There are times when I will choose to do things because it is something that the submissive may like or enjoy, but I still get something from it, I must still like or enjoy what I am doing or going to do.  I believe that both peoples needs are important and need to be met, regardless of the dynamic, but, if I didn't want to do something, if I didn't like it. I wouldn't do it.  I wouldn't do something just because someone "expected" it or "demanded" it.

As a dominant female I do the things that I want to, that I enjoy, that I get something from or out of.

If I don't; I don't do it.  It is quite simple really.  No raw deal.

But, while I get excited by the act, of course I get excited and enjoy his feelings, his reactions, his own excitement. It really is a combination, not only of the dominant acts, or the submissve acts, but also about the end result. The feelings it creates for both, the things it brings in emotionally, physically or psychologically, both to the submissive and also to myself.

They go hand in hand, they are part and parcel of the same thing.  Together they are what I need and want.  The things I do and the feelings it creates.

I don't subscribe to the thought of it being all about the Domme. Neither is it all about the submissive. It isn't just about the act. It isn't just about the excitement or feelings.

It is about it all.

It is about the whole thing, from the dynamic and the relationship itself, to the acts, the feelings and the whole experience; for both!

I love the "acts", I love the things that I do, I love the feelings and the psychological changes it brings about.  And I love the way those things are all connected.  I get excited by the things that I do, even from the most simple of things. It doesn't have to be complicated or indepth, dominance and submission can be experienced in some quite beautiful and simple acts, but I get excited by the things I explore, the things that create excitement within the submissive, the feelings it creates within them and within me.

The excitement doesn't just come from what is given off from the submissive. It doesn't just come from feelings I experience. For me it is about it all, the relationship, the acts, the feelings and the end result.

For each.

For both.

Edited to add relevant links.


  1. Tamara,

    Thank you for sharing the link, I couldn't remember where I had seen it but knew that it was on a blog which really struck a chord with me and the comment was one that got me to thinking. I had noted the comment but not the blog. I've now included the link above. Thank you Tamara!

    Regards, Kat

  2. Hi Kat.

    I am a dominant woman but who does not have the desire to dominate, much to my husband's disappointment (disgust?). So a lot of the things that I do, I do for the excitement that he gets from it, even though I do not get the same in return.

    Where you find that hard to imagine, I find your own situation just as hard to comprehend, I think I struggle most with how someone can love someone but want to hurt them, or what a woman would get from having her partner or husband in chastity. I wish I did "get it". I wish that I could have excitement from the things that I do in the way that you would or do. I know that my husband would wish that too. But as you know, we are all wired differently and as you have written elsewhere in your blog, it is about what works for us and in whatever way that is.

    I think my husnand finds it hard to understand because I have such a dominant nature and yet I have no desire to dominate him, to deny him or to hurt him. But it is just the way it goes I guess, 'tho sometimes I wish it were different so that we, my husband and I, could both be fulfilled instead of something always being missing or not quite there.

    I enjoy reading your blog, like you get food for thought from others, I get that from you.



  3. Well written. Such a complex area and so different for each couple. As a man, I often want dominance to be entirely about pleasing her or enduring things for her pleasure. It's hard to understand that she also derives pleasure from my reactions, some of which are pleasureable. "Getting you into subspace turns me on" is what I've been told and I'm learning that I don't really need to understand it as much as I just need to allow myself to let her chart the course. I guess we're never done learning.