10 November 2010

It lingers still . . .

It is hard to believe that it is over 18 months ago. When, as our day was ending here that I lost someone so very dear to me.  And that every part of me broke into a million pieces, each with edges so sharp and raw that it felt like someone was cutting deep through my skin every minute of the day.  The pain that comes is one that can change so many things in life, and you suddenly realise that things, people you always thought would be there, somehow suddenly aren't.  That no-one or anything lasts forever, they only last a lifetime and then that lifetime can be all too short.

It makes you realise of the things that can be replaced in life, it makes you realise that developing attachment to other things . . .to other people even, opens your heart to those same feelings of pain and of loss.  It is therefore, only natural to take a step back, away from the possibility of any pain, or any loss.  There are lots of things that I love and have felt love for, and apart from those who have been a part of my life for so long, I have been hesitant in developing an attachment to things, to anything that can, be taken from you.

When someone is taken from you, so cruelly, without warning, without time, it makes you stop! take check of your life.  Just for me that stopping and taking check has gone on for many months, I know I'm still there, still hesitant in taking the steps forward out of what has felt that comfortable place, the one without chance of those million jagged edges piercing the skin and the heart.

Whether we be Dominant or submissive, first and foremost we are human, and we hurt, we feel the depths of loss and pain, being a Dominant, even sadistic Bitch, doesn't mean we don't have the same feelings, that we may be hard and harsh, but that sense of loss can still wipe the floor with us, it can still knock us from our feet.  It certainly knocked me off mine, and the hesitancy in wanting to stand fully back up on them has for me, most certainly been there.

I don't think we can ever be prepared for how something may hit us, the speed and the force that it can take our world and turn it upside down.  And then after, we find that our hesitancy to attach becomes stronger, and that we find ourselves avoiding attachment to things, anything that can be taken away. But then we also find, that we become attached to things that hold such sentimental feelings, and that when those things go, it hurts all over again. It bothers us, it bothers me!

The hesitancy to "attach" lingers. I know that it may for some time, but, I also know the needs that exist within me linger still also, they linger, they burn, they are felt.  And the hesitancy does battle, and the need does battle, and the feelings they linger still.

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