19 May 2011

The bottom of the barrel

I learned today, that someone I used to be very close to, attempted suicide on Monday.  

It isn't the first time. 

He said, it won't be the last. 

No amount of help, of trying, of anything is able to help him, or to save him from himself.  It at times, breaks my heart to know someone struggles so much.  He isn't a bad person.  But he certainly knows how to lash out and hurt with his words.  This goes in stages. 

He hurts with his words.  Cuts off any contact with anyone and everyone. And reappears months, maybe a year or so later.  It is a pattern that seems to repeat itself.  I've lost count of the number of times that it has in the time that I have known him.  But no amount of trying to "reach" will make any difference.  He remains just out of that reach, but that is his plan and his intentions. 

It is incredibly difficult.  Sometimes though, we just have to realise when there isn't anything that we can do. It is incredibly hard to accept that there isn't anything that I can do. 

Not something that sits well with me at all.

I learned today that someone I know has breast cancer.  

I hadn't seen her for a while. Now I know why.  A little older than I am, but a mum to a 10 year old.  It's times like this that just make you wonder.  It is times like this that it often brings to our minds of those we have already lost. It brings to mind all of the "potential" that life can throw at us, the fears that we can live with, and the completely devastating impact such things have on someone and their life.

I learned today that a friend of mine who had been struggling to conceive for many years lost the twins that she had been carrying as a result of recent fertility treatment.  How we wish that we could take back the things that we said that everything would be ok.

It isn't. How can it be?

It seems to be a week of sad news. 

Someone attempting to take their own life.  Another one doing all they can with treatment to save their life.  And two potential lives that never had the chance to be.

All very different, all situations which make someone think, reflect and ponder the things that life throws our way.

It is certainly situations like this, which make you dig deep, to be able to be there for those who are facing this, to be that support.  At times, it is also incredibly hard when it triggers memories of loss and times which had been laid to rest a long time ago. 

So, it's been a somewhat difficult week one way or another.  A week which has been filled with such heartbreaking news.  Someone who doesn't want any help. Someone who wants all the help they can get.  Someone who doesn't know what they want from those around them right now.



It's never easy. 

Sometimes it can really scrape the bottom of the barrel.



  1. It sounds like you have had an awful day or two Kat, my thoughts are with you, and with your friends too!

    Chris x

  2. I am sorry that you are having to face all this today. What is the purpose of this pain what is the lesson?

    Maybe it is that we can be compassionate while learning that we have no control over life or death and that pain is a great teacher. The longer we live the more we will learn to trust that everything is as it is not, how we want it to be...