Alive and "living"

There is something about this time of year, the crisp frosty mornings, the chilly afternoons with a perfectly blue sky and a fading sun low in the sky, causing long shadows to draw themselves out over the grass.  It was while noticing these shadows, and the lack of leaves on the trees today while walking the dogs, that it  made me think of where the time passes, that the end of another year approaches and then it is hard to believe where the time has gone.  I mean, WTF?! what happened to the previous 10 months of the year, when did the growth of the spring pass into the warmth of the summer, and why did that warmth fade so quickly into the chilliness of the autumn months, where the leaves fall from the trees and the darkness creep into the early evenings so much earlier than it ever seems to have before . . .


And then you wonder what have you been doing during the changing times?  How have you been living . . .


And then, I realise that it hasn't been a case of "living" and that in so many ways, it has been a case of existing, of getting through . . .and ever since the loss of my Mum I realise that is exactly how it has been . . .existing but not really living, and you realise even more so that the part within you that makes you feel alive has been dormant for all of that time as well . . .


And then suddenly, there is something within you that you begin to feel  . . .that it comes out of nowhere, unexpectedly and it begins to make you feel that inner part that is "you" . . .it is ME, and I feel it and I know that the need is and always has been there, that even tho dormant it is still very much a part of me, because it is me, it is the way I am, the way I need and want to live and that the depths of D/s, the dynamics of an FLR are what I need to "live", they are what balances me, they are what completes me .  ..but more so, they are what makes me feel alive.


And it is like springtime, when a new shoot peeps through the hardened ground, and it begins to shoot into life, into being, into existence . . .and that is how I am feeling right now, even with the darkening autumn days, that there is something which has pierced the hardened ground, the hardened shell which has been well and truly around me for well over 20 months now.  And I feel it . . .and with each passing day I am feeling it more . . .and it makes me feel alive, because it is what I need to live.


And I know that I haven't been "living" . . .maybe it is that time to start again, maybe the shoot through the hardened ground has happened with me . . the need is there, the want is there, the desire is there . . .and now quite surprisingly . . .the person to make it happen is potentially there too . . .


Maybe it is time to start living . . .


So as the sun goes down on a beautiful autumn afternoon, that while the shadows maybe lengthening with the autumn sun, that they are in fact lifting, that the darkness is moving into light . . .that the dormant becomes alive . . .