Answers

All is quiet.

The words flow through my fingers,

from the corners of my mind.

The ink staining the paper as I write 

and find a release for the inner thoughts.

For the questions with answers that I cannot find.

And yet, I think of you. Standing there. 

The look in your eyes, the longing of your body.

The tenderness of your lips and the gentle moans that escape.

And I find myself wishing that the answers would show themselves.

Wishing that you were the answer.

Weaknesses

“Your weaknesses aren’t meant to prove how you’re not perfect; they are meant to prove how you can be stronger. Your mistakes aren’t meant to prove how you’re wrong; they are meant to prove how you can be right. Life may be long or short, simple or rough, boring or exciting, but whatever the case, you live only once, and during this one life, YOU were meant to become the best you can ever be. So keep this in mind: acknowledge to learn, and learn to fight, and fight to change, and change to live life to the fullest.” – anonymous

We all have weaknesses, we are all human and will all make mistakes.

I get that of course I do.  

But, I wish, so wish that people didn't give up the "fight" so easily . . .so early . . .without any effort or without even really trying.

Because it is in making those changes, but putting in the effort which can reap the rewards, which can bring the things to you that you do really want, desire, long for and need.  It is a shame that some people will potentially miss out on so much good for a little fear of taking a step forward, for a lack of putting in just a little effort, by giving up the race at the first hurdle and giving up the fight.

I often wonder why, some people give up so easily - maybe they cannot see the strength that they have, maybe they think that it is just easier or that others will not be by their side while they do fight . . .who knows? 

I wish I did.

Whatever the reason, it's sad.  Yet we cannot make someone fight, we cannot make someone live, we can only fight our own fight, live our own lives so we can live it to become the best we can and hope that we will share it with someone who wants that too!

A big dose of crankiness

I'm tired.

I don't know, perhaps it is post holiday blues.

But I feel tired, drained and cranky.  I feel impatient, and every little thing right now is grating on my nerves right down to the bare bone.

Perhaps it is getting back to the reality of the daily grind that makes me feel somewhat, or closer to the mark, super less tolerant.  I find myself reading emails, inane chatter and drivel and just want to shout "shut the fuck up!" and then I find that there is nothing there when I hoped or expected it to be, and it makes me want to just say " well fuck you!!!!"

And when I am checking my emails and messages I have to stop myself replying there and then because my response would come from a place that I am not normally in, and that my intolerance and boredom would be sent to someone who didn't quite deserve it.  I don't want to send replies which are not me but ones which would only right now reflect that crankiness.

But then, there are ones who do deserve it and have gotten a response sent from both barrels - and one who I want to send something to, but well, know that it is better that I do not and part of me wants to and another part knows that, well, it's better left alone.

I received contact from someone who I hadn't heard from in several months and then a shitty further response because I hadn't responded.  I mean, it is ok for you to drop out of the picture for months and then because I haven't responded in less than 10 days, you get all shitty?

I mean, WTF?! Really? WTF is that all about? A big FUCK YOU!

I have been on holiday - do you not even think for one minute that there may be some genuine reason I haven't responded?

I don't need this crap.  I don't sign up for it, I don't want it, need it. 

And I'm tired.

And I am fed up.

And I feel that my energy has been sapped away, drained from every part of my body and there is nothing there to fill it back up - I haven't even got the energy to want to refill it back up.  There are some things, some people which are just quite exhausting to deal with at the best of times and feeling like this  - well, I can't be bothered, I haven't got the energy or the motivation to even attempt to deal with them right now.

So I won't. I'm not going to.

I need something to refuel, to top up the tank, some interesting and light interactions and conversations, similar to before I went away, ones which made me want to lean forward and learn more, ones that bring those parts of you alive, to the forefront, that make you feel human, make you feel alive . . .make me feel "ME"!

But something right now is draining  emotionally, physically . . .and I'm tired and not cut out for "this" right now  - whatever "this" is.  And things feel odd and strange and not naturally where or who I am.  I am feeling intolerant of people in the "real world" as much as I am in the online one.

And it's crap.  And it sucks.

And I'm tired.


Ugh!

 

Something happened . . .

Before I went on holiday, something happened.

Something that took a lot of time to organise, to make happen.  Something that took time, effort, energy and money to make happen. 

Hindsight can be a wonderful thing - because well . . .it just is! There were moments that of course I enjoyed, that I was glad that it happened, but, hindsight, well that just makes you say "why the fuck did I bother?".


But, while I was away, something happened.

Apart from making me realise that the "something" before holiday had in fact been a waste of all of that time, energy and effort, it also made me realise that sometimes, you place a trust in something, in some one. That you may have hopes or belief in something, and how quickly you learn that those hopes or beliefs and indeed that the trust was very misplaced.

As I said, why the fuck did I bother?!  Do I feel sad? upset? Angry? No, none of those feelings are particularly even worth having. Disappointed perhaps, let down, perhaps.

But, such is life.

We live. 

We learn.

We learn each time that placing that trust, of making that effort, just isn't worth it.  And we learn that each time, it becomes a little harder to do so.  We become a little more hardened, we become a little more cynical, we become less trusting.

Do I regret bothering in the first place? Regrets aren't my thing. But I damn well learn.  If we don't "bother" then well . . .we don't find out, we don't see the true colours, we don't see the reality instead of the hopes . . .

While I was away, something happened.

Something that enabled me to see the reality and more!

I was as I love to do, taking time out to think while the sun was setting out over the ocean, (and yes, that is my pic of that sunset!) which made it incredibly hard to get on the plane to come home.

I certainly realised how little there is to come home to, that each time it gets less and less. And that before I went I thought how badly timed the holiday was, except now I can see it was perhaps most perfectly timed.

Because in it's timing, it has enabled me to see very early on, what I wouldn't have wanted to find out a long way down the line.

But it also enabled me to see that in the future, when I get on that plane and go away, that there will be a time, when I will not come back.  It won't be for a while yet, but something happened to make me realise, it is what I want. 

Not what I thought, not what I expected, and indeed before going not what I had hoped for . . . but something happened . . .