I don't know, perhaps it is post holiday blues.
But I feel tired, drained and cranky. I feel impatient, and every little thing right now is grating on my nerves right down to the bare bone.
Perhaps it is getting back to the reality of the daily grind that makes me feel somewhat, or closer to the mark, super less tolerant. I find myself reading emails, inane chatter and drivel and just want to shout "shut the fuck up!" and then I find that there is nothing there when I hoped or expected it to be, and it makes me want to just say " well fuck you!!!!"
And when I am checking my emails and messages I have to stop myself replying there and then because my response would come from a place that I am not normally in, and that my intolerance and boredom would be sent to someone who didn't quite deserve it. I don't want to send replies which are not me but ones which would only right now reflect that crankiness.
But then, there are ones who do deserve it and have gotten a response sent from both barrels - and one who I want to send something to, but well, know that it is better that I do not and part of me wants to and another part knows that, well, it's better left alone.
I received contact from someone who I hadn't heard from in several months and then a shitty further response because I hadn't responded. I mean, it is ok for you to drop out of the picture for months and then because I haven't responded in less than 10 days, you get all shitty?
I mean, WTF?! Really? WTF is that all about? A big FUCK YOU!
I have been on holiday - do you not even think for one minute that there may be some genuine reason I haven't responded?
I don't need this crap. I don't sign up for it, I don't want it, need it.
And I'm tired.
And I am fed up.
And I feel that my energy has been sapped away, drained from every part of my body and there is nothing there to fill it back up - I haven't even got the energy to want to refill it back up. There are some things, some people which are just quite exhausting to deal with at the best of times and feeling like this - well, I can't be bothered, I haven't got the energy or the motivation to even attempt to deal with them right now.
So I won't. I'm not going to.
I need something to refuel, to top up the tank, some interesting and light interactions and conversations, similar to before I went away, ones which made me want to lean forward and learn more, ones that bring those parts of you alive, to the forefront, that make you feel human, make you feel alive . . .make me feel "ME"!
But something right now is draining emotionally, physically . . .and I'm tired and not cut out for "this" right now - whatever "this" is. And things feel odd and strange and not naturally where or who I am. I am feeling intolerant of people in the "real world" as much as I am in the online one.
And it's crap. And it sucks.
And I'm tired.