28 August 2013

Something happened . . .

Before I went on holiday, something happened.

Something that took a lot of time to organise, to make happen.  Something that took time, effort, energy and money to make happen. 

Hindsight can be a wonderful thing - because well . . .it just is! There were moments that of course I enjoyed, that I was glad that it happened, but, hindsight, well that just makes you say "why the fuck did I bother?".

But, while I was away, something happened.

Apart from making me realise that the "something" before holiday had in fact been a waste of all of that time, energy and effort, it also made me realise that sometimes, you place a trust in something, in some one. That you may have hopes or belief in something, and how quickly you learn that those hopes or beliefs and indeed that the trust was very misplaced.

As I said, why the fuck did I bother?!  Do I feel sad? upset? Angry? No, none of those feelings are particularly even worth having. Disappointed perhaps, let down, perhaps.

But, such is life.

We live. 

We learn.

We learn each time that placing that trust, of making that effort, just isn't worth it.  And we learn that each time, it becomes a little harder to do so.  We become a little more hardened, we become a little more cynical, we become less trusting.

Do I regret bothering in the first place? Regrets aren't my thing. But I damn well learn.  If we don't "bother" then well . . .we don't find out, we don't see the true colours, we don't see the reality instead of the hopes . . .

While I was away, something happened.

Something that enabled me to see the reality and more!

I was as I love to do, taking time out to think while the sun was setting out over the ocean, (and yes, that is my pic of that sunset!) which made it incredibly hard to get on the plane to come home.

I certainly realised how little there is to come home to, that each time it gets less and less. And that before I went I thought how badly timed the holiday was, except now I can see it was perhaps most perfectly timed.

Because in it's timing, it has enabled me to see very early on, what I wouldn't have wanted to find out a long way down the line.

But it also enabled me to see that in the future, when I get on that plane and go away, that there will be a time, when I will not come back.  It won't be for a while yet, but something happened to make me realise, it is what I want. 

Not what I thought, not what I expected, and indeed before going not what I had hoped for . . . but something happened . . . 



  1. My Dear Kat, I sense a disappointment within your post even though I know that you will not let it take you down that you feel it just the same!

    My god, I would do anything to have the chance of being those hopes, of being someone you would not be misplacing trust in, but then you know that. I would be the luckiest person in the world - I so wish that others could see that too.

    I hope you return to normalcy in being home, and if you get on a plane make it to me, you'd never have to go home lol

    I am glad you do not regret, I even hope that things may still work well for you, but most of all I wish that you are given the happiness, love and devotion that you deserve and which I would give in a heartbeat.

    Yours, as always, A xx

  2. Ps beautiful sunset as always :) whenever I see a beautiful end to the day, I always think of you.

    A x

  3. My Dear A,

    yes disappointment I think does hit the nail on the head, and I know that if things were different, then I know how lucky *I* would be ;)

    Life is never simple, and sometimes downright difficult. The disappointments in life can knock us sideways a little.

    And yes, the sunset was beautiful - I miss it. One day though, however far in the future it is, I will get to see it I hope, every day!

    Thank you, as always, Kat x