There you'll be . . .

8 years ago. 

8 years ago today, she took her last breath.

8 years ago, my Mum, my best friend lost her battle.

We were there by her side, our hearts shattering into a million tiny pieces, so many unfinished conversations, the regrets of words that were never shared.

And yet, in some small way, I shall be thankful that we were given the chance to say goodbye, we were given the chance to share thoughts and memories and say "I love you" from the day that we were told there was nothing more they could do, they said a couple of weeks and it wasn't even that. 

I spent every moment I could with her in the last 6 weeks of her time with us, we sat and watched the spring flowers outside grow, the lambs making their first appearance into the fields.  On the morning of the day she passed we'd watched a wild deer running through the fields, it had stopped and it appeared to be looking in at us, I still remember that moment as clear as day. 

Cancer, you bastard!

You robbed us even of the extra few days they said we'd have, right to the last, you took her away from us. 

Her last spoken words will haunt me forever as she woke on that morning and she whispered "I'm sorry, I can't do this anymore." And from there we knew, that this would be the last day that we would share with her, and my heart filled with a pain that no amount of words can or will ever describe.

While in the depths of grief after she passed, I certainly felt as if she'd taken so much with her, as the rawness eases from the loss of someone, when the edges are not so sharp and jagged, you realise that they have left you with so much.  Memories, many precious memories and the love that fills the heart.  The passing of time can never take that away just as it cannot take the void away that exists. 

Her dying took so much away. 


There are two songs which just remind me of her so much . . . this first one has such heart-breaking words and yet they are so beautiful and in fact, also make me think of others who have been close to me who I have lost, including my friend who recently died.  Because the words are so true there too.

"Every place we ever walked and
Everywhere we talked, I miss you
You never leave my mind
So much of you is left behind"

This song also reminds me of my Mum....

"I'll keep a part of you with me
And everywhere I am there you'll be......"

8 years may have passed.  Some days it seems like only yesterday, not a day goes passed when something happens I wish I could tell her about.  

I miss her.  Everyday. 

My heart is her home. She will live there forever.

Tumblr

I've been absent from tumblr for a long while, however I recently returned to it, to my own little corner of the tumblr world.

There are so many pictures that just create such beautiful visions, beautiful images, ones which beyond the typical porn and stereotypical Femdom images can really show such beauty in submission and in pain.

But for me, the beauty right now is in the words, there are some fabulous tumblr accounts where the words are just stunningly beautiful, words that touch, that seep into your soul.  There are words that people just have such a gift in sharing that when you read, they seem to reflect your thoughts, or how you feel in that moment. 

I led there for hours last night, not able to sleep, reading these beautiful words, some of them haunting, taunting, but some of them reflecting lots of the things that I'm feeling right now, words that reflect some recent things that have happened in life. 

Some people are blessed with a truly wonderful gift of being able to write, to express.  I am quite simply in awe at times of people who have that ability, of being able to touch someone with words, it's such an intimate thing to be able to do, it's a beautiful thing to be able to do.

I wish I shared that ability.  Words are a beautiful thing.

"...ing".....

Seed planting

Thoughts developing

Nerves building

Excitement mounting

Butterflies growing

Time passing

Eyes meeting

Knees quivering

Hands shaking

Face smiling

Cheeks blushing

Eyes lowering

Skin touching

Pores perspiring

Mouth sighing

Lips touching

Tongues meeting

Hands roving

Hearts thumping

Body longing

Hands groping

Fingers rubbing

Mouths groaning

Trousers straining

Arms gripping

Mouth exploring

Senses exploding

Cock hardening

Eyes darkening

Lust building

Bodies aching

Cunt dripping

Tongue lapping

Heart pounding

Muscles tensing

Toes curling

Limbs clamping

Palms twitching

Mouths groaning

Hips plunging

Hands gripping

Teeth biting

Mouths Screaming

Bodies convulsing

Fluids releasing

Throat sighing

Arms holding

Time passing

Bodies spooning

Calm returning

Time will tell

Words
that touch the
heart
the mind
creating visions of
future times.
And while neither
can be totally
sure there

may indeed
be a whole
lot more!

And time
will tell, and time
will show
the reality of how
these things may
go. An existence
beyond
both screen
and wire
which will feed the
heat
and hearts’
desire.

And soon, dear boy,
a moment
will be

I’m sure.

To discover
whether there’s a
whole lot more.

But ‘til and beyond
a friendship grows

as secrets shared
as open hearts
lead to a flow
of thoughts
of words,
which engulf
and flood
feel and heal
and begins
to make this
virtual
real.

And words already
matched
with a voice,
a sigh,
a tut,
a laugh
and a “yes let’s try!”

And a moment will come
when a touch
can occur,
and be granted
with
a smile,
a raised eyebrow
a passing look,
a fleeting peck,

upon a cheek (or neck?)
a time
to come
face to face
communicating no
longer in
some virtual place.

And yes it could be
this
and that
and yes it could be
all you’ve
said,
and more.

And oh!

My goodness the
possibility
to be so much
more.

I’m sure!

But while it may be just the gist of the thing,
and tho’ both may be unsure,
time will show
and time will tell,
dear boy,
whether there can be a whole
lot more.

A gift of words

"Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and its thought has found its words" Robert Frost.

I love words! 

Reading them, writing them, hearing them, sharing them.  There is a beauty in how they can create such wonderful images, that they can create a vision that brings those words to life. 

I love them to flood the senses, touch the heart and trickle to the soul

I'm a word whore.

I can't get enough of them.

But, I had a truly wonderful present recently - a rather wonderful gift of words, something written, something sent to me, for me. 

A poem. 

And I loved it. 

And while I am not going to share it here, I just love how when you read something, as you see the words before you that they reach out, touch you, touch the heart, flood the mind.

And it was that and more. A whole lot more!

And I love it. 

The gift, the words, the gift of those words and that someone has such a wonderful gift and shared that gift with me is something quite lovely and it plunges in and warms the heart.  There is something quite special, that someone takes that time, that thought to send such a wonderful present. 

I've been touched by words, and in several ways recently, left lost for words of my own in response (quite a rare thing for me yanno?) but, sometimes it does happen. 

But that's the beauty of words.

And I love them. 

Dedicate

"I wrote a poem about it, and then threw it away, because that’s the last thing I need right now: More words dedicated to people who will never dedicate a single thing to me" Charlotte Green.

Wise words Charlotte, very wise words indeed. 

I've written posts. I've written words. Yes, I've written poems too of things from the distant past, of things more recent.  At the time they were a release of thoughts and feelings, but they're deleted, thrown away never to see daylight, never to be seen, read or witnessed for this very reason! 

Writing for me, is often a release.  I don't do it for other people to read, to comment or even to see.  It is quite simply for me. 

I have, or should say had, several hundred draft entries here on my blog, they've been purged.

Using the delete button can have a very cathartic feeling of it's own, cleansing away the negative, taking away the toxic feelings, taking away the things that no longer need to be there. Things that do not need anything further dedicated to them other than the original function of a release (and relief) at the time of writing.

And the purging, the letting go it brings about it's own sense of release. 

But Charlotte, you're right, we do not need to dedicate things to people who will never dedicate a single thing in return. 

So, let's not.

Let's

Let's get lost

in passionate kisses

and forget the

world amongst

lips and bodies.

Let's get lost

in burning lust

with bites and marks

strokes and smacks

caresses and slaps.

Let's get lost

in passionate desire

and drown out

the world

in fervour and fire

with paddle

and flogger

with clamps

and tawse,

with passion

and pain

let me be the cause

of marks upon

your skin

Let's get lost

Let's begin.

Words

Discharge your words

before my eyes.

Slowly trickle them

toward my ears, 
let them

gently flow 

into my heart.

Flood my soul

with your words

of truth.  Fuelling

fires in depths,

taking away 

my breath.

Empty out the

ocean of thoughts

that fills your mind,

your heart, your soul,

with things

not yet spoken.

Release the

floodgates of words,

of depth and of you.

Let them flow

over me, into me.

Flood me. Engulf me.

Purge yourself

"Sometimes you've got to let everything go - purge yourself.  If you are unhappy with anything . . .whatever is bringing you down, get rid of it.  Because you'll find that when you're free your true creativity, your true self comes out."

Tina Turner

There are things, which are at times, easier said than done, and purging is one of those things.

We may see something isn't right, we may feel that something is toxic, we can even see the damage that things or people may be causing to ourselves, to our lives, to our own sense of wellbeing, but even seeing all of that, purging isn't all that easy.

Does purging really bring that sense of freedom?

Perhaps, when you've allowed yourself to be free from all the toxicity, when you've allowed yourself to recover from the negative and allow the positivity to flow back into life. 

When you really have let go.

There are things I'm letting go of, things that need to be placed into a box because there's no need for them to see light of day anymore, there's no need for me to carry them any longer.

It's time to let go.  It's time to purge.  I have a clarity of my own thoughts that I've not had for a while.

I'm letting go. Happily. 


It's time to let go, it's time to be free, it's time for oh, so much more.

Come, kiss me awake

Come,

kiss me awake,

my love.

As my lips touch yours

as dawn breaks.

Come,

kiss me awake,

my heart.

Feel the rhythm

as it beats fiercely

for you.

I breathe you in,

gently,

and filled with

your scent,

my body aches in

anticipation of lips

pressed against

my own.

Come, kiss me,

until we are

breathless, left

gasping for air.

Come, now

kiss me

senseless.

Wasting words

Sometimes I think we waste our words. 

And sometimes I think we waste our moments and sometimes we don't take the time, the chance or the opportunity to say the things that are in our hearts when we have the chance.

I took some opportunities in the past few days to try to not waste moments or opportunities. 

After lots of deliberation, after lots of "should I?" or "shouldn't I?"

I did.  

I have.

The words may be wasted, it may be that they don't mean anything at all to who they've been shared with, they may be wasted in that they may be ignored, but the opportunity wasn't wasted. I didn't waste the moment.

While I can hope that the words aren't wasted, it will be as it will be.

It is as it is.

It is only something time will tell and it's now out of my hands.

I'm determined not to waste words, not to waste moments, but more so I'm determined to give the time, my time to things, to situations, but more so (and especially so) to people that matter to me, and to say the words that are in my heart.

Destiny.

We heard the news yesterday, that the coroner has released the body following the death of my friend.  A moment of sadness, but also a moment which means that family and friends can now make plans to say a final farewell.  A farewell to someone who was special to a lot of people.

They were a friend, who had touched life in many different ways.

Every person you encounter in your life, whether it is significant or not, leaves an imprint on your soul… from the tiniest speck to a small mark to a huge spot. Sometimes they are like wounds that need time to heal, and sometimes they are like kisses that you wish you had more of. Everyone is important…they help to shape us to be the people that we need to be to be able find our true happiness.

They couldn't find their happiness in life and that makes my heart ache so very much for them.  They used to say be who you are, believe in yourself, be the person that you want to be and you will find happiness and ultimately the person you are meant to share it with.  My heart aches that they never found that happiness.

They once said to me, enjoy the journey in getting to that place, enjoy the people you encounter along the way.  Each person comes into life for a reason even if we may not see it at the time, they may be there for only a short period of time, but there's still a reason, it just may take us time to figure out what that reason is.  And sometimes, that reason may not bring happy times, it may bring sadness and heartache and pain and that makes it doubly hard to ever understand why that person has come into our lives. 

We shared this conversation again on the night before they took their life, and their words echo in my mind.

And this parting comment . . .

There will be a time that journey will reach it's destination, a moment when you are truly happy, when you are loving but more so truly loved back, then you will know that you have arrived at your destiny, that the people you've met along the way were only part of that journey, and when you find that happiness, that love, know that it's your destiny and you've arrived at your destination.  If you're not truly loved back, if you're not truly happy, then it's not the destination and the journey is not over.

My friend was part of my journey, a journey where I've not reached my destination . . . their words will remain with me always, I wish that they were still taking their own journey, but hope with all my heart, that in their destination they are at peace.

Empty Dreams

Elusive sleep.

The night so cold

And all is empty.

The touch I need

yet I cannot have.

The night is dark.

The need is harsh.

I feel a longing

for heat,

for you

and you are far

a ghost it seems.

And the night

is filled with

only

empty dreams.

I . . .you . . .

In dreams you

come to me,

and through my wishes

I could only

see the things

that you

would show

I could only know

the things that you

would tell

In those dreams and

in moments shared

my hands have

touched you

my eyes have

watched you

my lips have

kissed you

my mouth has

tasted you

I have known the

way you feel,

the way you move,

the way you sleep,

I have seen the

way you smile,

the way you look

And my body has known

in ways beyond,

beyond dreams

beyond touch

beyond wish

the desire that

grows

with a

burning heat.

Images & Visions

My eyes paint images

I've not yet seen

of you.

My mind creates visions

I've not yet witnessed

of you wanting,

needing

bared and exposed.

And I think of all

the ways that I

want you and

with each new thought

the desire builds,

the wanting grows,

the longing aches.

Let us paint the images,

create the visions.

Let us share the desire

and wanting

and need.

Out of the comfort zone...

I've never been much of a "scene" person. 

Munches hold little interest for me or to me. 

Clubs - I haven't really found them to be my "thing" either, I've been to a couple in the dim and distant past, but certainly as a "bystander" rather than a participant.

And I know that is just how it was then . . .but who is to say it is that way now?

I wanted to go to a rope workshop this week, but with everything else that happened last week I couldn't quite bring myself to go, even though I've always had a lurking interest in learning how to fling string.  I feel disappointed that I didn't just put myself there regardless of how I was feeling about going.

I would say that I'm more introvert than extrovert, I'm comfortable in that way and that works for me, I don't particularly care what people think of that, it's just how it is.  But life can pass by.  And I think that is how I am feeling right now.

Some recent events have made me really question myself, where I am, but more so what it is that I ultimately want and need from life.

This past week or so has really made me start evaluating, reflecting, and while it's also closed the heart off considerably, while it's put a wariness of trusting back in the forefront, it's also made me take a step back, reflect and see what I'm missing out on but also what I can do to change that.  Ultimately though, that can only come from one person - me! 

A short space of time has passed but various events within it has made me feel so much anger towards myself and the trust I'd put out there, it's made me feel all sorts of things that I really wish I didn't feel.  Other events have made me realise that life can be incredibly short, and that the loss of my friend as I wrote *here* has made me determined to make some more positive changes, to take some positive steps and that is what I am intending to do.

I'm going to step out of my comfort zone that is often far too comfortable for our own good, I'm going to step out of that zone and experience things that I may not have done before.  New things, different things, and yes I know that some things may make me feel uncomfortable, but as they say great things never come from comfort zones.

it's time to step out there, and it's time for some great things!  I'm going to venture to some clubs, I'm going to venture to some workshops.  I've got some great friends who share this lifestyle, it's time to reconnect until I hopefully am able to truly connect in the way that I want to - with one.

The bitch that is hindsight

"Forgive yourself for not having the foresight to know what now seems so obvious in hindsight" Judy Belmont

Hindsight can be such a bitch right!?

Wouldn't it be great if we had what hindsight gives us so much earlier?

What is it that stops us from seeing things at the time? 

Are we really so blind to things?  Are they really that obvious or is it more so, that some people can hide things pretty damn well?

Maybe it's a combination of all of these things, it's not hindsight bias but it's still a bitch!

Sometimes people say we can only do the best with what we know at the time, but what if we did actually know at the time, but just wasn't open to really seeing it? 

Who knows!? 

Whatever hindsight is a bitch!