19 December 2011
This time of year . . . .
Is not the easiest time of year, for so many people.
As people make plans to be together with family, it is always so apparent the family who are no longer here to be a part of it.
Planning the dinner for Christmas day which once had 12 or 14 people around it, now reduced to half that number, through people moving on, moving away and through the loss in one's passing.
Christmas was always one of my Mum's favourite times of the year, she always planned it so well, and it is a time which feels incredibly empty without her. In fact, many things just do not seem right without her. No matter how much time passes, it is something you do not get used to. You just learn to cope in different ways.
This year, will be the first year I have ever spent Christmas eve in my own home and it will be for the little man too. Another piece of proof of just how much things change, that the family that was once so close and tight together have drifted apart a little more each day, like icebergs on the ocean, floating in different directions until we all are out there, floating in the same ocean, but isolated from the others.
It breaks my heart when the little man tells me it feels like the others do not want to see him. It breaks my heart that he feels as he does, that at this time of year places so much focus on "families", yet it is this time of year which also makes things hit home. I wonder if these family members have any idea of the hurt their actions can cause?!
The missing "parent", the family who are not here, those who have passed . . .when so many think that it is such a wonderful time of year, and it can be. But there are for so many when it is the complete opposite.
A friend of mine across the ocean, watches as the family that she has left make open plans on media such as facebook to get together at Christmas with an invite that never comes her way. Gatherings that she has never been invited to and instead makes her plans on how to get through the day on her own, taking care of other peoples houses and pets while they are away with their own family.
My heart breaks for her and I wish the ocean weren't so wide.
She said she was thinking about how much she wanted to really feel the joy of this time of year without it being constantly undercut with sadness, telling herself that she should be happy with what she has, to stop making comparisons and to accept the situation in life more philosophically.
Except, it isn't that simple.
It isn't that easy.
And it is times of year such as this, which makes it incredibly hard not to miss things, to not wish that some things were different. There isn't any philosophical thoughts or views which can take away that undercut of sadness.
Sometimes its just a case of getting through.
Sometimes it is just a case of finding a way to deal with that undercut of sadness, attempting not to let it cut so deep, but when everyone around us is lost in their days of happiness and celebration, there are others who wear a mask, placing a smile onto the face just to make it through.