Time will tell

There's a song, that for some reason I have heard lots recently. 

It reminds me of you. 

It plays over in my mind, or should I say, that one particular verse plays over in my mind, just as the visions and thoughts about you do too.

Thoughts of you creep into my thoughts, often at the most inopportune moments.  

At times that my focus should really be elsewhere.

But then, those thoughts of you bring a smile.

I wonder if the thoughts will ever play out in the reality.  I wonder if they will ever see the light of day outside the depths of my mind.

I guess time will tell.

And while the song and some of the words are beautiful, I hope that the story that sits behind the lyrics is not of how the reality will be. 

I guess time will tell.

I spoke of you yesterday....

I spoke of you yesterday.

For the first time in so many years. 

The sense of loss of the friendship we once had came over me in waves as I later recalled and reflected just how life changed from that day I had to had to leave and walk away. 

That day I had to let go <here>

I can still recall that final touch, the way your skin felt under my fingers as I touched your cheek.

I can still feel that sense of pain as my heart felt like a mirror shattering as it hit the floor in a load of tiny pieces.  

I can still feel the sting of the tear that went down my cheek at that farewell, the one that mirrored your own.

I can still recall the saddest sentence "what might have been", except, I know even now that it would never have been, it could never have been.

I found myself wondering about where life has taken you since then.  

I've seen you twice, once from a distance. And once a moment shared that should never have been.  It's still years since I have seen you. 

I've often thought about where you are, of where you've been.

The passing of time, the passing of the years still do not take away from the loss of the friend I once had, the friendship that we shared.

We shared a lot. 

I carry no regrets only special moments that I will never forget. Except, I do regret the friendship that we lost.

I hope life has been kind.  I hope that you have been happy.

My friend, I wish that for you always.

Lured

He feasts himself upon her skin, mouth moving over the soft curves of her body.  

His hands enjoy the feel of silk as he digs his fingers into her flesh. 

Mouth devouring as he sinks his teeth into her. 

Loving the way her hips thrust upwards into his mouth.

The taste of her skin fills his mouth, harsher his fingers pulled at her skin. As he worked his mouth over the curve of her ass.  

Her scent fills his lungs, luring him deeper beneath her spell. 

He knows

There are times she takes him apart, not with violence but with a look, she stares through his skin, through his bones and sees everything he may seek to deny or hide. 

When he is defeated, she will be there to pick up the pieces, the beast that moments before tore at his skin, gently caresses and holds. She holds his heart and life in her hands, she sees him as him. 

All of him.

She sees his flaws, his failings, his pain. She sees him fall apart and yet holds him together, she sees him at his best even when he feels at his worst, when he wishes he could be more, yet he is so much more than he may see.  

But she sees.

She knows. 

He is hers. 

Forever. Hers. 

And that he knows.

Stepping out

So dinner was lovely. 

An unassuming evening, no expectations (therefore no disappointments), a chance to relax over some great food, a chance to chat freely and openly.

There is something about being able to be open about who you are, the needs that you have, the lifestyle that you follow, without judgement, without fearing that someone may not understand, with someone who actually gets "it". 

And even though that person may be submissive to your dominant, there is still a level of understanding of the whole dynamic and you don't feel weird that you have a particular kink or fetish because you know that even if it's not the others kink, there is more often a non judgemental acceptance.  Not that I feel weird about my own kinks, fetishes or needs.  I've accepted them and who I am a long time ago, but still I know that not everyone is at that same place.

Even without the expectations, even without any "role" in place, even without a dynamic, there was still very much a natural way of being.  And natural because neither of us had be anything other than who we are, and that is another great thing, the chance to be who you are. 

He was nervous, a little shy, he blushed (lots - perfect!) and there is something about that open display of vulnerability in some ways which is decidedly sweet, the way his cheeks would flush and he'd lower his eyes, the way he would smile when I would say to him that there was no need for him to be embarrassed for what he shared, felt or spoke of.  

For me, I so enjoy the battle that this reflects, the slight embarrassment, the emotional feelings that are created inside one when they are blushing, an opening of thoughts and feelings and yet, the emotional battle of that too.  As an emotional sadist, I like the fact that there's a little bit of an uncomfortable feeling, that there's a battle going on. 

He arrived with a most beautiful bunch of flowers, having already known what was in there included not only some of my favourite flowers, but done in a bouquet of my favourite colours.  His effort and careful thought certainly didn't go unnoticed and when I commented on it and thanked him, he blushed a little bit but his face lit up as a beaming smile crept across his face.  It is such simple things such as this, which are in their own way quite special. That someone shows that interest, retains little snippets of information and genuinely does things to place a smile on another's face is heart-warming.

It wasn't that he had bought me flowers that was totally responsible for the smile on my face (although it did make me smile as it's been such a long time since anyone has bought me flowers apart from the mini man on birthdays and Mothers Day), but it was the careful thought that he had given, that he'd obviously retained things that we had spoken of and shared.  He had even made sure that a certain type of flower was not in the bouquet as I had once shared the thought that they reminded me too much of funerals.  Simple things, but quite lovely.

He was very interesting (and interested), he was attentive and very sweet, open and a wonderful ability not just to listen but to truly 'hear' what was being said. It's hard to believe that we have known each other for quite some time but have only just taken this step to meet face to face and even though it was in a week of some serious work deadlines for me, dinner was lovely, the company was great, the conversation flowed easily. 

It was great to connect, but more so, to be able to connect without expectation, without any pre-conceived ideas, and just the chance to be who I am, with people who can be who they are, a mutual respect and understanding, that is often quite a rare thing to find. 

Life...

The daily grind of life so often gets in the way of things we'd like to be doing, want to be doing, would love to be doing.  This is certainly the case for me right now where the fact I'm working on 3 very big projects one after the other has meant I've got little time to write, to relax or even to breathe!

The working days are long, hitting 18-20 hours every day for the past few weeks and for the foreseeable, and it's tiring and draining, but thank goodness I love my job. 

I'm on countdown to when I shall be on holiday and while a beach holiday is not normally my thing, in a matter of weeks I shall be relaxing on a beach, a book in hand and trying to unwind from the stresses of the weeks.

In fact, this will be my "home office" for almost two weeks, except we shall get to explore a beautiful new island that we've not had the pleasure of visiting, but I know that both mini man and I will so be ready for this holiday, probably more than usual as we've normally had at least one by now.

The daily grind of life has prevented me from being able to give time to anything else too right now, mini man is approaching his exams, work load is seriously high, the house is filled with stresses.  Oh, how using a paddle on a bare behind would be quite welcome now, a wonderful way to de-stress, but alas, that isn't a possibility either.

Instead, life is just life right now. 

Chaotically busy, missing lots of things right now, but that is how it goes. 

It is as it is, and we have to take and accept these things as being this way.  I know that often people do not understand the commitments that I may have, or the way that I work, to the level that I do.  But this is how it is.

There you'll be . . .

8 years ago. 

8 years ago today, she took her last breath.

8 years ago, my Mum, my best friend lost her battle.

We were there by her side, our hearts shattering into a million tiny pieces, so many unfinished conversations, the regrets of words that were never shared.

And yet, in some small way, I shall be thankful that we were given the chance to say goodbye, we were given the chance to share thoughts and memories and say "I love you" from the day that we were told there was nothing more they could do, they said a couple of weeks and it wasn't even that. 

I spent every moment I could with her in the last 6 weeks of her time with us, we sat and watched the spring flowers outside grow, the lambs making their first appearance into the fields.  On the morning of the day she passed we'd watched a wild deer running through the fields, it had stopped and it appeared to be looking in at us, I still remember that moment as clear as day. 

Cancer, you bastard!

You robbed us even of the extra few days they said we'd have, right to the last, you took her away from us. 

Her last spoken words will haunt me forever as she woke on that morning and she whispered "I'm sorry, I can't do this anymore." And from there we knew, that this would be the last day that we would share with her, and my heart filled with a pain that no amount of words can or will ever describe.

While in the depths of grief after she passed, I certainly felt as if she'd taken so much with her, as the rawness eases from the loss of someone, when the edges are not so sharp and jagged, you realise that they have left you with so much.  Memories, many precious memories and the love that fills the heart.  The passing of time can never take that away just as it cannot take the void away that exists. 

Her dying took so much away. 


There are two songs which just remind me of her so much . . . this first one has such heart-breaking words and yet they are so beautiful and in fact, also make me think of others who have been close to me who I have lost, including my friend who recently died.  Because the words are so true there too.

"Every place we ever walked and
Everywhere we talked, I miss you
You never leave my mind
So much of you is left behind"

This song also reminds me of my Mum....

"I'll keep a part of you with me
And everywhere I am there you'll be......"

8 years may have passed.  Some days it seems like only yesterday, not a day goes passed when something happens I wish I could tell her about.  

I miss her.  Everyday. 

My heart is her home. She will live there forever.

Tumblr

I've been absent from tumblr for a long while, however I recently returned to it, to my own little corner of the tumblr world.

There are so many pictures that just create such beautiful visions, beautiful images, ones which beyond the typical porn and stereotypical Femdom images can really show such beauty in submission and in pain.

But for me, the beauty right now is in the words, there are some fabulous tumblr accounts where the words are just stunningly beautiful, words that touch, that seep into your soul.  There are words that people just have such a gift in sharing that when you read, they seem to reflect your thoughts, or how you feel in that moment. 

I led there for hours last night, not able to sleep, reading these beautiful words, some of them haunting, taunting, but some of them reflecting lots of the things that I'm feeling right now, words that reflect some recent things that have happened in life. 

Some people are blessed with a truly wonderful gift of being able to write, to express.  I am quite simply in awe at times of people who have that ability, of being able to touch someone with words, it's such an intimate thing to be able to do, it's a beautiful thing to be able to do.

I wish I shared that ability.  Words are a beautiful thing.

"...ing".....

Seed planting

Thoughts developing

Nerves building

Excitement mounting

Butterflies growing

Time passing

Eyes meeting

Knees quivering

Hands shaking

Face smiling

Cheeks blushing

Eyes lowering

Skin touching

Pores perspiring

Mouth sighing

Lips touching

Tongues meeting

Hands roving

Hearts thumping

Body longing

Hands groping

Fingers rubbing

Mouths groaning

Trousers straining

Arms gripping

Mouth exploring

Senses exploding

Cock hardening

Eyes darkening

Lust building

Bodies aching

Cunt dripping

Tongue lapping

Heart pounding

Muscles tensing

Toes curling

Limbs clamping

Palms twitching

Mouths groaning

Hips plunging

Hands gripping

Teeth biting

Mouths Screaming

Bodies convulsing

Fluids releasing

Throat sighing

Arms holding

Time passing

Bodies spooning

Calm returning

Time will tell

Words
that touch the
heart
the mind
creating visions of
future times.
And while neither
can be totally
sure there

may indeed
be a whole
lot more!

And time
will tell, and time
will show
the reality of how
these things may
go. An existence
beyond
both screen
and wire
which will feed the
heat
and hearts’
desire.

And soon, dear boy,
a moment
will be

I’m sure.

To discover
whether there’s a
whole lot more.

But ‘til and beyond
a friendship grows

as secrets shared
as open hearts
lead to a flow
of thoughts
of words,
which engulf
and flood
feel and heal
and begins
to make this
virtual
real.

And words already
matched
with a voice,
a sigh,
a tut,
a laugh
and a “yes let’s try!”

And a moment will come
when a touch
can occur,
and be granted
with
a smile,
a raised eyebrow
a passing look,
a fleeting peck,

upon a cheek (or neck?)
a time
to come
face to face
communicating no
longer in
some virtual place.

And yes it could be
this
and that
and yes it could be
all you’ve
said,
and more.

And oh!

My goodness the
possibility
to be so much
more.

I’m sure!

But while it may be just the gist of the thing,
and tho’ both may be unsure,
time will show
and time will tell,
dear boy,
whether there can be a whole
lot more.

A gift of words

"Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and its thought has found its words" Robert Frost.

I love words! 

Reading them, writing them, hearing them, sharing them.  There is a beauty in how they can create such wonderful images, that they can create a vision that brings those words to life. 

I love them to flood the senses, touch the heart and trickle to the soul

I'm a word whore.

I can't get enough of them.

But, I had a truly wonderful present recently - a rather wonderful gift of words, something written, something sent to me, for me. 

A poem. 

And I loved it. 

And while I am not going to share it here, I just love how when you read something, as you see the words before you that they reach out, touch you, touch the heart, flood the mind.

And it was that and more. A whole lot more!

And I love it. 

The gift, the words, the gift of those words and that someone has such a wonderful gift and shared that gift with me is something quite lovely and it plunges in and warms the heart.  There is something quite special, that someone takes that time, that thought to send such a wonderful present. 

I've been touched by words, and in several ways recently, left lost for words of my own in response (quite a rare thing for me yanno?) but, sometimes it does happen. 

But that's the beauty of words.

And I love them. 

Dedicate

"I wrote a poem about it, and then threw it away, because that’s the last thing I need right now: More words dedicated to people who will never dedicate a single thing to me" Charlotte Green.

Wise words Charlotte, very wise words indeed. 

I've written posts. I've written words. Yes, I've written poems too of things from the distant past, of things more recent.  At the time they were a release of thoughts and feelings, but they're deleted, thrown away never to see daylight, never to be seen, read or witnessed for this very reason! 

Writing for me, is often a release.  I don't do it for other people to read, to comment or even to see.  It is quite simply for me. 

I have, or should say had, several hundred draft entries here on my blog, they've been purged.

Using the delete button can have a very cathartic feeling of it's own, cleansing away the negative, taking away the toxic feelings, taking away the things that no longer need to be there. Things that do not need anything further dedicated to them other than the original function of a release (and relief) at the time of writing.

And the purging, the letting go it brings about it's own sense of release. 

But Charlotte, you're right, we do not need to dedicate things to people who will never dedicate a single thing in return. 

So, let's not.

Let's

Let's get lost

in passionate kisses

and forget the

world amongst

lips and bodies.

Let's get lost

in burning lust

with bites and marks

strokes and smacks

caresses and slaps.

Let's get lost

in passionate desire

and drown out

the world

in fervour and fire

with paddle

and flogger

with clamps

and tawse,

with passion

and pain

let me be the cause

of marks upon

your skin

Let's get lost

Let's begin.

Words

Discharge your words

before my eyes.

Slowly trickle them

toward my ears, 
let them

gently flow 

into my heart.

Flood my soul

with your words

of truth.  Fuelling

fires in depths,

taking away 

my breath.

Empty out the

ocean of thoughts

that fills your mind,

your heart, your soul,

with things

not yet spoken.

Release the

floodgates of words,

of depth and of you.

Let them flow

over me, into me.

Flood me. Engulf me.

Purge yourself

"Sometimes you've got to let everything go - purge yourself.  If you are unhappy with anything . . .whatever is bringing you down, get rid of it.  Because you'll find that when you're free your true creativity, your true self comes out."

Tina Turner

There are things, which are at times, easier said than done, and purging is one of those things.

We may see something isn't right, we may feel that something is toxic, we can even see the damage that things or people may be causing to ourselves, to our lives, to our own sense of wellbeing, but even seeing all of that, purging isn't all that easy.

Does purging really bring that sense of freedom?

Perhaps, when you've allowed yourself to be free from all the toxicity, when you've allowed yourself to recover from the negative and allow the positivity to flow back into life. 

When you really have let go.

There are things I'm letting go of, things that need to be placed into a box because there's no need for them to see light of day anymore, there's no need for me to carry them any longer.

It's time to let go.  It's time to purge.  I have a clarity of my own thoughts that I've not had for a while.

I'm letting go. Happily. 


It's time to let go, it's time to be free, it's time for oh, so much more.

Come, kiss me awake

Come,

kiss me awake,

my love.

As my lips touch yours

as dawn breaks.

Come,

kiss me awake,

my heart.

Feel the rhythm

as it beats fiercely

for you.

I breathe you in,

gently,

and filled with

your scent,

my body aches in

anticipation of lips

pressed against

my own.

Come, kiss me,

until we are

breathless, left

gasping for air.

Come, now

kiss me

senseless.

Wasting words

Sometimes I think we waste our words. 

And sometimes I think we waste our moments and sometimes we don't take the time, the chance or the opportunity to say the things that are in our hearts when we have the chance.

I took some opportunities in the past few days to try to not waste moments or opportunities. 

After lots of deliberation, after lots of "should I?" or "shouldn't I?"

I did.  

I have.

The words may be wasted, it may be that they don't mean anything at all to who they've been shared with, they may be wasted in that they may be ignored, but the opportunity wasn't wasted. I didn't waste the moment.

While I can hope that the words aren't wasted, it will be as it will be.

It is as it is.

It is only something time will tell and it's now out of my hands.

I'm determined not to waste words, not to waste moments, but more so I'm determined to give the time, my time to things, to situations, but more so (and especially so) to people that matter to me, and to say the words that are in my heart.

Destiny.

We heard the news yesterday, that the coroner has released the body following the death of my friend.  A moment of sadness, but also a moment which means that family and friends can now make plans to say a final farewell.  A farewell to someone who was special to a lot of people.

They were a friend, who had touched life in many different ways.

Every person you encounter in your life, whether it is significant or not, leaves an imprint on your soul… from the tiniest speck to a small mark to a huge spot. Sometimes they are like wounds that need time to heal, and sometimes they are like kisses that you wish you had more of. Everyone is important…they help to shape us to be the people that we need to be to be able find our true happiness.

They couldn't find their happiness in life and that makes my heart ache so very much for them.  They used to say be who you are, believe in yourself, be the person that you want to be and you will find happiness and ultimately the person you are meant to share it with.  My heart aches that they never found that happiness.

They once said to me, enjoy the journey in getting to that place, enjoy the people you encounter along the way.  Each person comes into life for a reason even if we may not see it at the time, they may be there for only a short period of time, but there's still a reason, it just may take us time to figure out what that reason is.  And sometimes, that reason may not bring happy times, it may bring sadness and heartache and pain and that makes it doubly hard to ever understand why that person has come into our lives. 

We shared this conversation again on the night before they took their life, and their words echo in my mind.

And this parting comment . . .

There will be a time that journey will reach it's destination, a moment when you are truly happy, when you are loving but more so truly loved back, then you will know that you have arrived at your destiny, that the people you've met along the way were only part of that journey, and when you find that happiness, that love, know that it's your destiny and you've arrived at your destination.  If you're not truly loved back, if you're not truly happy, then it's not the destination and the journey is not over.

My friend was part of my journey, a journey where I've not reached my destination . . . their words will remain with me always, I wish that they were still taking their own journey, but hope with all my heart, that in their destination they are at peace.

Empty Dreams

Elusive sleep.

The night so cold

And all is empty.

The touch I need

yet I cannot have.

The night is dark.

The need is harsh.

I feel a longing

for heat,

for you

and you are far

a ghost it seems.

And the night

is filled with

only

empty dreams.