24 February 2011

FLRs ~ my reality.

Why this blog?

Well, the boy is currently working on a blog of his "past", a reflection of his journey and someone recently asked me how I discovered FLRs, how I discovered D/s, BDSM and all that I want and need . .  .

So, this has led me to writing this blog . . .

I discovered the "world" of D/s considerably late in life in that, it wasn't something that I had ultimately come across in many respects until about 8-10 years ago.  However without labels, it is something that has been a part of my adult life, within my relationships. 

I was always aware of its existence, of course I was. I haven't grown up wearing blinkers, being totally oblivious to the existence of all that is BDSM, but, when I first began to explore and become aware of it all, there were many areas and aspects that I didn't relate to.  Maybe that was because of a lack of understanding, maybe it was to do with not experiencing certain things. 

But understanding comes with experience. Many things come with experience. 

My introduction to many areas of BDSM came to me via an old friend.  He had kept his "secret" from me for many years of his need to Dominate.  He was and is naturally dominant.  We were and are so similar in so many ways, that it would often cause battles, it would often lead to quite vocal disagreements, but we were always able to be honest and open with each other.  And we know each other in a way that no-one else knows the other.  We knew the other, often at times better than we knew ourselves. 

He shared this part of me with him, afraid that I would judge him afraid that I wouldn't understand.  Instead he shared it with me, instead we began a journey together that I could never have imagined or envisaged. 

"Our" journey was one that gave me so many experiences in so many different ways, and while ultimately it wasn't the right journey for me, it or more so He enabled me to find a real depth of understanding. An understanding of myself, my needs and exactly who I am.  He enabled me to find myself, and to do so with acceptance, without shame, and knowing that how dark or depraved, ultimately it IS ok.

That *I* am ok.

It was when I was with Him, which was an incredibly and deeply emotional M/s relationship that I had my "lightbulb moment". 

The time when everything fell into place. 

The time when I gained an insight into myself, my needs and desires and wants.  It was an understanding of ultimately my need for control and to control, my need to not only to be allowed to be my natural dominant self, but also to be physically Dominant; but more so my need to actually dominate.

It brought the acceptance of everything sexual and kink based which to that point, I had at times been ashamed of the dark and depraved thoughts, fantasies and longings that had been a part of my life since as long as I could remember. 

I was able to see just how it wasn't right for me to give up control, it enabled me to see why I needed to be in control, why I needed to dominate, and while I still needed and wanted sexual adventure, fetish and kink while still needing and wanting everything that came with "vanilla" relationships too. 

He was the one that granted me the gift of being able to be me. For that, I will always be thankful.

The relationship I had with him was one which enabled me to find the understanding of my natural dominant personality and the way that crosses over into so many areas of my life, why relationships from my past had worked or why they hadn't. The reasons why they failed.

And I was able to go right back to my own childhood and pinpoint where these needs began, where they began to grow and the reasons why they did.  That so much of it stemmed from the time when my parents separated and subsequently divorced, the time when I was in so many ways "thrown" out into the world of taking care of myself, of making my own decisions, of being in control. 

And it was during this lightbulb moment that I really found the understanding of FLRs, their existence and just how much it "fit" who I was, fit what I wanted or needed within a relationship, fit what my reality had already been in so many ways ~ I was able to see how much my previous relationships had been female led even without either my then partners or myself being wholly aware of it.  The decisions had been taken and made by me, I had control over financial aspects, decisions within the relationship, the household and considerable levels of control over the male I was then with.  I had been the dominant one. I had dominated, even without actually being aware or realising. 

Upon reflection, the one constant of my relationships, the fact that they were female led, was the thing that had made them work, the reasons why they had flourished in the way they had. Yes they had ended, but it wasn't because they were female led.

And this has simply continued throughout my life, through my teens, twenties and to where I am now. 

My dominant personality led me into a career in a very male based environment and from an early age into the management of the same.  I have always had to "stand up" for myself, coming across some very negative male attitudes towards women in the work place and more especially, women within a male dominated workplace.  I have always had to be strong willed. I have always been the responsible one, the one who people have turned to for support, for advice, for direction.

Workwise I have always had a role in management ever since graduating from University with my degree.  I have always been responsible for people and their welfare, their jobs and their working environment.  I have always been in control of my own path.  Right through to the fact that for approaching a decade now I have had my own company, and manage 5 others.  In control of the workplace for myself and others.  And it has taken a while for me to accept that I feel ok with needing and wanting that control.

Into adulthood, that control, that dominance has crept into my personal life, my relationships, but at the time, although I wasn't overly aware of the whole D/s aspects, the whole FLR existence, it is exactly how I have lived.  Even if it is not to the level I have wanted or hope to achieve. That I still want to have.

To me, it was just a natural thing that within the relationships I made the decisions, I took control and it was just the natural thing that the male partner I was with, naturally fell into his natural place too. 

I have often wondered, since discovering the world of BDSM whether I was naturally drawn to what were submissive males.  It would certainly appear that way.  Even though overtly those I have spent parts of my life with haven't been submissive.  In some cases far from it, but the relationship has still been very much female led.  Even to the time of (and since) having my son, and his upbringing being solely down to me.  Even in the years I have been a single parent, all of the decisions, work, home, family have all been down to me. 

And I flourish in such situations. 

I feel confident in the decisions I make, the choices that I make. 

I naturally take control, it is just who I am.

And now, I feel that confidence and flourish in situations of D/s and FLRs but with an understanding and clarity that allows me to take relationships down the path that I want or need, it enables me to build upon something that will ultimately feed my needs, not only as a Dominant female, but also my needs in terms of sadism, fetish and kink too. 

It also allows me to create that, to have that, with someone who wants or needs the same but from the opposite end of the D/s spectrum. 

Someone who needs to be controlled, someone who needs to submit, someone who needs to be dominated, someone who is happy and content to be within an FLR, who while not needing to be micro managed is happy that someone ultimately makes all the decisions. That while their opinion is still important, that it still counts, that they will always "bow down" to the decision that the female makes. 

And I need someone who needs that. 

Opposite sides of the same coin. Opposite ends of the D/s spectrum, both wanting different things from the same dynamic but those different things being the balance.

I have been able to pinpoint why certain past relationships failed but also why in other ways that they flourished and I only wish I had the understanding, insight and clarity that I do now back then.  It could have made life a whole lot different.  But I am thankful that I have the understanding that I do now. I will always be thankful for the "lightbulb moment" that C granted to me.

I would like to think that it helps me to be far more open in current relationships, that I can see what I need to make it work, for it to work and can take steps to do all I can to ensure that it does.  Of course, there is never any guarantee that a relationship will work, it doesn't matter whether it is "vanilla", D/s, M/s, FLR or WLM, there may always be things that will cause a relationship to falter, to go wrong.  But, I am more aware now than I have ever been in my life exactly what I want or need and as such am in a place where I will no longer settle for anything less than that. 

It seems that so many try to push others under a "label" in the areas of BDSM this is in fact very common and yes in the early days I tried to pigeon hole myself too.

Trying to fit into what I thought was right (rather than what was right) But, I no longer do that. Instead I am open and accept who I am, in the way that I am, rather than what a label tells me I should be.

Others are quite within their rights to think in their opinion that it is wrong, but for me it is right and that at the end of that day, is what I am concerned about. And that any relationship I am in, is also right, and that it meets the needs of both people in it.

There are things and aspects from D/s that I need, things which even border on the M/s, there is the whole aspect of FLRs which "fit", but then there are also things from Femdom but also Kink and fetish too. 

So, there isn't any one label I am able to give the dynamic that I need, that I want, or that I "label" myself with.  Instead  there are many things that I take from all of these and bring them together to give the dynamic that I want and need.  But, one thing is for sure is that any relationship I have, that the one constant is that it is an FLR. The levels of kink, fetish, D/s etc may vary, but the one thing that isn't up for negotiation or discussion is the FLR aspects.

FLRs are my reality, they are right for me.

They are my truth. 

I do what I can to ensure that whatever I want or need from a relationship will be there ~ if there are things missing at the beginning then it is more than likely that it will fail or that it will not be the ultimate relationship, meeting all of the needs, that it will be too much of a compromise.  I am open to all of the different aspects of BDSM and FLRs and I need parts of all of them in one form or combination.

I need to be in control, but I also have sadistic needs that I need to meet too, I need the relationship to be female led, that the decisions are ultimately mine, but I also need the kink too.  I need to be able to be myself, to be dominant with a submissive partner, but also to Dominate.  I am strong willed, I am confident, and I have a very strong dominant personality in all aspects of my life, but, the need to Dominate is very strong for me. 

I need all of the other aspects too, someone who is a friend, a companion, a lover, not someone who is just my submissive, not someone who is just property, but someone who is all of that and more. 

Am I just greedy in what I want? Maybe.

But I am open and accept all that I am, all that I need, and will do all that I can to ensure that the needs are met.  And it is having all of this in a relationship that feeds me, it feeds my need, but more so, it balances who I am as a person.

I always have a dominant personality, but I can only dominate when I am with someone.  I may have a need to always be dominant because it is naturally who I am but I do not always have a need to dominate every person.  But I do have a need to dominate one. I do have a need to be in control of that one and the relationship that we are in.  I am aware of it. I accept it. I am open to it.

It goes back to that saying "to thine own self be true".

And I try to be as much as I am physically able to.  Of course life always needs some compromise, the ins and outs of daily life play their part, we always will have to hold back a little, with work, home or family commitments.  But I am and will live my life in the way I am able, as much as I am able. To meet my needs and the person who I am with.

Now see what I mean with it being so impossible to fit under labels?

Society places such pressure on us to "conform" and that anything out of the "norm" means that you're some kind of freak or that there is something wrong.  It makes it easier to hide, to keep things secret, to keep things away from others.

There isn't anything wrong with the things that I want, ( or the things that YOU want) the way that I live or the types of relationships I have.  There isn't anything wrong with my sadistic need, the need to hurt the person physically that I am with or the fact that it fulfils a need within me.  There isn't anything wrong with being a female within a relationship but being the one in charge. There isn't anything wrong with being the one who makes the decisions, who is in control.  But so many things can make us feel guilty, can make us feel ashamed of the things that we may want or need.  So much of it coming from society who tell us that to do X, Y or Z is wrong.

There isn't anything wrong with those who want the opposite to me.

I certainly do not feel ashamed of why or what I am or of the needs that I have. I will also do my upmost to ensure that the person I am with feels that way too, that they can be the person they are without shame.   But others through lack of understanding or ignorance can make it very difficult to be so fully open of the way we live our lives, even now.

But I am aware of my needs, I know what it is that I need and that is all of the above.  And although the D/s,  kink or anything else may vary, the one constant for me is my relationships being female led.  Being led by me.  That isn't something that has changed, (deepened, grown yes, changed no) and it certainly won't now.

FLR is my constant. 

It will be my future in a way and a depth that hasn't been there before. And that is with an understanding. With an insight. With a clarity that hasn't truly been there before. 

But more so, it will be with an openness and acceptance to all that life may bring, to all that I may want to enable me to be the person I am.


  1. Just beautiful. I love the selfconfidence, the inner strength, the courage that those words show.

  2. I have not read anything that comes as close as describing how exactly I feel in the role of a male in your FLR. A role reversal of a vanilla relationship with a dominant woman as the decision maker, leader, in control and also capable of being physically dominant. Just great, thank you. jim