01 March 2011

FLRs ~ accepting the reality over fantasy.

Take this artwork above by Sardax

A scene depicting what is for many a fantasy view of Femdom, submission. Leather, rubber or PVC clad Females, males naked, gagged, crawling around or being led by a leash.  Physical punishments being given for any single wrongdoing. 

A wonderful fantasy indeed. 

I think there are many things within which many of us would be drawn to, things which are a part of our fantasies, things which do at times become or are a reality.

But, in reality it is just a fantasy view. 

While it maybe appealing, while it may be a hot fantasy for many, realistically is it a reality?  Is it something that can be achieved at that level within a relationship, existing in that way 24/7.

Realistically probably not.

While dynamics and relationships do exist to that extent, do exist 24/7, the "fantasy" cannot. 

It isn't physically, mentally or emotionally possible to maintain that level of "fantasy" 24/7.  The "daily grind" of life would itself play a huge part in that.  So, as such, it is often something that remains a fantasy. Something that may be played out in "scenes", for exploring, but not something that is a way of life, merely a part of it.

The dynamics of Femdom and Female Led Relationships can and are a way of life.  They are a reality, but they are a reality in a different way and it is possible for such a dynamic to exist 24/7.

They can. They do.

For many.

So, many people, many male submissives particularly have unrealistic expectations. They come wanting that level of fantasy as part of a D/s or a female-led relationship and then complain when it is nowhere near to being achieved.  Lose the fantasy and the reality becomes achievable.  The reality of having a female led relationship. The reality of submitting to another.  The reality of giving up control and of another taking that control.  All of it is a reality.

Acceptance plays a BIG part of any relationship.  It is a big part of FLRs too.  But it is something that can be difficult.  Especially if it is accepting things which may be different than the fantasy you hold, especially if it is accepting a change in lifestyle, a change in the way things are.

It is about accepting that there are many circumstances which play a part of daily life, and that those circumstances take the fantasy and make it a reality. They make it the way we actually live. 

It is about accepting that in many circumstances that there is a distinct lack of a shared fantasy between the submissive and the female.  And it is important in any relationship or dynamic to move forward that the acceptance is found. 

So what is this lack of shared fantasy?

Many men will come into such a relationship with an unrealistic fantasy, just like is depicted in that artwork by Sardax shown above.  They come with wholly unrealistic expectations, wants and desires about a Femdom relationship or indeed an FLR.  The fantasy floating them towards the strict leather clad Dominatrix whielding her whip, demanding subservience and oral servitude, while making them do household chores, cuffed, collared and very little else. (of course fantasies may vary, but it is the unrealistic fantasies to which we are referring here)

Reality is often very different. 

The female is unlikely to share this fantasy.  The female is likely to have her own fantasies, and it is often unlikely that while similar fantasies may exist, they will not always be shared, they will not always cross over.

And as such, this is where difficulties often begin. The male with his unrealistic expectations and fantasy. The female on a totally different page.

And this is where accepting becomes important.  Accepting that the fantasy isn't achievable as a reality.  Accepting that their own fantasies are likely to be very different from that of their female dominant.  Accepting that in this case, it is the female who is leading the relationship and as such, the fantasies of the male may not become a reality, they may not be what the female wants or wishes within the dynamic.  And so, it is about accepting that this is the way forward if they want their female partner to take the lead, or if they are within an  FLR.

Many may try to "push" the relationship in a way so that his fantasies are met.  Such "pushing" may be considered as "topping from the bottom", it may be considered as the submissive trying to force the hand of the dominant. But, it is more than likely to lead to the female resenting the male submissive and can make it very difficult to build and establish a positive, healthy female led relationship.

Having such fantasies, such wants or needs can be overwhelming and can make you want to push for those needs to be met.  But, this isn't about you, this isn't about the submissive fantasies, while it doesn't mean that you should forget your wants, desires or fantasies, it is important that the submissive be able to accept the differences, accepting that the fantasy isn't a reality or even more so, that the fantasies are not shared. 

I do not want a submissive who only gives of themselves in "play" scenarios, who want to be dominated only sexually or in the bedroom.  I do not want a submissive who expects me to dress a certain way, act a certain way, just because it is part of their fantasy. 

Their fantasy, isn't my reality. 

Yes I have fantasies of my own, and I will make a lot of my own (and indeed the submissives fantasies) become a reality, but I do it on MY terms, in the ways that I want to, as the female leading the relationship.

There are many aspects to an FLR, many things that the submissive (and indeed the female in charge) need to learn, it isn't all about household chores or oral servitude, it isn't all about fetish, kink and punishments. 

It is about much more than that. 

It is about the submissive making the life of the female dominant easier. 

It is about taking on chores and tasks which will free up her time so that she has more time, which makes her life easier.  This in turn makes her happier and giving more time for her to do what she wants or needs as well as being able to have less stress to in turn focus on the relationship and what she wants and needs from it.  In turn the submissive is happier as his needs are met in servitude, in worshipping and devoting himself to his dominant and doing all the things that she wants or asks of him.

It is about the dynamics of Domination and submission. It is about all of the wants, desires and needs of the individual. And of course, it can be about the fetish and the kink . . .no-one is saying these things are not a part of the reality of an FLR or D/s.

The demands of work, family and homelife, the demands of daily living and the daily "grind" are everyone's reality and it is these normal things that we all have to do on a daily basis which bring the reality to the relationship, it is these things (amongst others) which prevent that 24/7 leather clad Dominatrix fantasy from being a reality. 

And it is those which carry these fantasies, these "fantasists" which in turn say that 24/7 dynamics cannot exist. Of course with such fantasies and expectations it is very unlikely they can or would, but it doesn't mean that a 24/7 relationship of D/s or FLRs cannot exist.

They can.

They do.

Accept that fantasies are a part of who you are, accept that your needs, wants and desires are a part of who you are but also, accept that they may not be shared wants, needs or desires.

And it is about accepting those differences and learning to accept the female partner on her terms.  Accepting HER fantasies, her preferences, accepting the way SHE wants to take the relationship.  After all, it is her leading the relationship.

Accept that she doesn't want to wear leather to the supermarket leading you around on a collar and lead.  Accept that it is her wishes on how she treats you and if it isn't what you had in mind, this is HER way and it is about accepting that the fantasy you may have isn't the reality.  But accepting what the reality is, if this is the relationship and dynamic that you want as a submissive.

Accept her fantasies.  Accept her desires. Accept her wants.  Accept that they are likely to be different from yours.  But accept that her fantasies, her desires her wants as the foundation of the dynamic and the relationship that you're having.

It doesn't mean that your fantasies are forgotten, there are many ways they can be explored together.  Communication is key.  But accepting that you are likely to come into this relationship, this dynamic with different thoughts, different fantasies is key.

Acceptance is not easy. Especially if you have certain expectations of "how it should be" or that things should be a particular way.

But a female led relationship is just that, it is led by the female, it is led by her fantasies, her wants, her desires and it is a case of  bowing down to her decisions to the way that she will lead the relationship and accepting this as the way it is.


  1. I am new on this wife is slowly finding her way. She is very reluctant to even talk about it, but she is showing her control and dominance when she chooses. I do my best to listen, obey and treat her like a queen.

    My question with what you say which I accept that it is hers to choose when where and how things occurs is this; If I do have desires is it acceptable in a FLR to make them known or do I live with what she wants?

    She is vanilla with a slight streak of kink that has developed over the years. Do you see it as acceptable to share and let her choose whether or not to delve into them or not, or just be quiet and see where she leads?

  2. Very enlightening thoughts! I guess we should be open and flexible enough to identify and appreciate her whishes, her style of life. And of course be ready to submit to them, to love them above everything else.

    Although at the same time I reckon the hardness of relegating our previously built life plans, our previously built whishes of any kind to a secondary level, or even forgetting about them. It is not just about sexual fantasies or desires, not at all. It includes all areas of life. And that is why it can be so hard....

    Perhaps everything could be a bit more achievable when her life style, her plans are so overwhelming for us that we are happy to leave everything behind. But again, this is usually more fantasy than reality! So I think that most of the time big sacrifices are to be made. And being ready for that is the first step.

    So thank you for your words, because they show the way to be ready... :)