|Lauren Bentley ~ "where I buried my secrets"|
Or more so, buried fantasies.
The ones that live in the dark recess of your mind, the ones that you're too scared to voice for fear that the person that you're opening up to runs in the opposite direction.
Fantasies with images that we masturbate to, images that form in our minds which bring us to the release of an orgasm. But often, fantasies of the taboo, of the extreme, of the things that we are perhaps less likely to do if the opportunity were to arise.
My own fantasies have followed a similar path, a similar trajectory. They have and are at times, really in the darkest of places.
And it has been like this for as far back as I can remember.
Unlike some, my fantasies have never involved celebrities or even people I actually know, more often than not they have involved faceless people. Not so much faceless, but more people that I do not know. Strangers. People who do not judge the "act". Many fantasies of doing wonderfully (but disgusting) things. Lurid, arousing, but deeply hot!
Apparently, so I was reading recently nine out of 10 people have such fantasies, and the others are overwhelmed with shame or guilt or repressed. I am thankful I do not fall into that tenth. I am thankful that I have been given the gift to explore and to shed any of those feelings.
And yet, it seems that many people finding their way into or along the BDSM path, do deal with shame and guilt, shame and guilt over the feelings, the desires, the fantasies. Society tells us so many things are wrong, that doing certain things makes us "disgusting" or "evil" or "dirty". They attempt to make us ashamed of the thoughts, desires and feelings that we may have.
I am thankful that it has rarely been that way for me! Why should I feel guilty or ashamed of the things that arouse me, the things that I have wanted to experience? Some maybe harder to accept, some things may take a while to understand before we explore.
But while 9 out of 10 people may have them, I wonder what percentage of people actually act on them?
I do. I always have.
I was lucky to be able to play out so many of my fantasies with a very willing partner. He may not have realised what he was letting himself in for to begin with, but, he was willing. He was certainly up for exploring, for experiencing, and helping me to explore every fantasy scenario that I wanted to. But, somehow, something was often missing. Or at least it was back then.
With time, I found out exactly what was missing, of why it never felt quite enough. They were always a scene played out with a feeling of falseness.
Until I met someone who made that line between the fantasy and the reality blur, merge even. Journeying together into the darkest of places, into the darkest recesses of my mind. Delving into the dangerous territory that my fantasies led us to. We were open, exposed, to the desire of exploring, a never ending but growing need to take it to the next level, of pushing that limit and walking down an even darker path. The fantasies became a reality, the reality became even more real, taking away the fantasy that once lived within the mind, unleashing it, allowing it to be the reality I never thought it would be.
A challenging one. Succumbing to the ever growing desires and needs that came out of that darkness. Changing it to the reality, taking it further.
It was like a drug, wanting more. Needing more. Delving into the place where the secrets were buried allowing them to not only see daylight, but to be lived, to be felt. The experiences brought different feelings.
I felt free.
But more so, that I was allowed to be who I was, what I was. What I am. Who I am.
Exploring the fantasies, taking them from the dark precipice of my mind, making them a reality stopped those guilt feelings. Stripped away the shame, took away the self judgement.
I owned those fantasies. I owned the experiences. I owned the changes that they brought to me. In experiencing I was free to be who I am. Not scared of what people may think, but being able to be open, to share these parts of me without worrying what people may think.
So many of us, fear judgement for the sexual desires that we have. But these desires, allowing ourselves to be open to them, to experience them, gives us the chance to learn about ourselves, to self realisation, to becoming self assured. They made me whole, complete, the person that I am.
But, I have a need to share.
I need to know the fantasies that exist deep within someones mind, I want (and need) them to be open to me, to share without guilt or shame. To not feel fear or fear judgement. I do not judge. After all, I have explored many things without that judgement that it is certainly something that I would never do. Acceptance is important to me. I want that person to be able to be the person that they are, to enable them to be the person that they are, but more so to accept them for the person that they are
And vice versa.
There is nothing wrong to having a "dark side". There is nothing wrong to explore the secrets of our mind, the place where those fantasies grow and exist. I don't want that area to be uninhabited. I don't want the fantasies to be a place that is never explored. They are places for exploring, for learning, for experiencing, for growing.
Do you remember in Greek mythology when Persephone is banished to the underworld? When she returns to the earth's surface she is accompanied by spring, a reference to rebirth, illumination and light from the things that she has experienced while being banished.
It is a gift.
I was lucky that someone gave me some of the greatest gifts. His understanding, his acceptance, his exploration of my own inner dark side (along with his!)
He gave me the gift of taking the fantasy and making it a reality. Taking those inner thoughts and bringing them to the surface, inhabiting those darkest places. Giving them light.
He gave me a freedom that rarely comes. He enabled me to be who I was, who I wanted to be. And vice versa. We didn't need a place to bury our secrets. I no longer do.
We explored. We accepted. We were set free.