Insomnia . . .

I have suffered from insomnia since my mid teens.

25 years later, I still do.

You would think that I would be used to it by now.  Except some nights, like tonight, it is just extremely frustrating not being able to sleep.  I was just drifting off when there was a huge noise and banging outside in the garden, it startled me as I had the windows open and am also in a bungalow, so it always makes me on edge.

The noise startled me, it woke the dogs who in turn started barking, only for me to discover that a neighbours cat was attacking one of my kittens.  So, I put a t-shirt on and venture bare footed out into the garden to come to his rescue.

He likes to be out and about, and in this warm weather we hardly see him.  He likes to curl up outside on the decking or in a hedge and he falls into the deepest of sleeps.  Except tonight, he decided that he was going to disturb us all, and now I am awake and can't get to sleep.

It's hot.

There's no air. And even the fans don't help.  Times such as this that I wish we had air conditioning ~ one thing I always like when we go away on holiday, is the ability to really cool off the room.  It really is quite suffocating and if it wasn't for the nasty things flying around in the air, I would head out into the garden to sleep!

And now it is approaching 4am.

The alarm will go off in 2 hours and another busy day in the office lies ahead, as well as the fact that it is grooming day for the dogs, so I have to travel across town first thing and again at lunchtime so they can have their bi monthly groom.  Ah, what I wouldn't give for a few hours of pampering and attention like that! lol

Work is chaotically busy right now, and the news this week of a VAT inspection next week, really hasn't helped matters.  It seems to be that everything has to happen at the worst time.  It is only a few weeks until I am due to have surgery ~ another thing which as time goes by, messes with the ability to sleep.

My deep fear of anaesthetic plays heavily on my mind and as the date draws nearer it is even harder.  I have even had to scour the country to find a surgeon who has a zero mortality rate, and while I could have the surgery done on the NHS, it really isn't an option if I cannot have that.  So, I have found someone who has that rate, but certainly has a price tag to go with it.  Another hassle, another thing to sit in the mind, another thing to go whirling around in the head when reality is, it's time to sleep.

A nice long head massage, a foot rub, someone playing with my hair . . .gently scratching my back . . .all of the things which can deeply relax me, moments of closeness and intimacy, and it is these things I miss.  That ability for something and indeed someone to help take away the pressures of the day, to help take away the pressures of life.  Simple things it may seem, yet things which have a real meaning, but play a real important part in things too.

They are things that I miss.  Simple things.  No grand gestures, but somethings which can actually express a great deal more.

And when the insomnia kicks in to the level it is tonight, what I wouldn't give for just one of those things, to help empty the mind, relax the body, and bring on the sleep!

I would say, goodnight, but as the sun is already getting up to start another day, and I haven't even made it to bed yet, perhaps I should just say good morning and wish you all a good day!

But thank god its friday!