A big dose of crankiness

I'm tired.

I don't know, perhaps it is post holiday blues.

But I feel tired, drained and cranky.  I feel impatient, and every little thing right now is grating on my nerves right down to the bare bone.

Perhaps it is getting back to the reality of the daily grind that makes me feel somewhat, or closer to the mark, super less tolerant.  I find myself reading emails, inane chatter and drivel and just want to shout "shut the fuck up!" and then I find that there is nothing there when I hoped or expected it to be, and it makes me want to just say " well fuck you!!!!"

And when I am checking my emails and messages I have to stop myself replying there and then because my response would come from a place that I am not normally in, and that my intolerance and boredom would be sent to someone who didn't quite deserve it.  I don't want to send replies which are not me but ones which would only right now reflect that crankiness.

But then, there are ones who do deserve it and have gotten a response sent from both barrels - and one who I want to send something to, but well, know that it is better that I do not and part of me wants to and another part knows that, well, it's better left alone.

I received contact from someone who I hadn't heard from in several months and then a shitty further response because I hadn't responded.  I mean, it is ok for you to drop out of the picture for months and then because I haven't responded in less than 10 days, you get all shitty?

I mean, WTF?! Really? WTF is that all about? A big FUCK YOU!

I have been on holiday - do you not even think for one minute that there may be some genuine reason I haven't responded?

I don't need this crap.  I don't sign up for it, I don't want it, need it. 

And I'm tired.

And I am fed up.

And I feel that my energy has been sapped away, drained from every part of my body and there is nothing there to fill it back up - I haven't even got the energy to want to refill it back up.  There are some things, some people which are just quite exhausting to deal with at the best of times and feeling like this  - well, I can't be bothered, I haven't got the energy or the motivation to even attempt to deal with them right now.

So I won't. I'm not going to.

I need something to refuel, to top up the tank, some interesting and light interactions and conversations, similar to before I went away, ones which made me want to lean forward and learn more, ones that bring those parts of you alive, to the forefront, that make you feel human, make you feel alive . . .make me feel "ME"!

But something right now is draining  emotionally, physically . . .and I'm tired and not cut out for "this" right now  - whatever "this" is.  And things feel odd and strange and not naturally where or who I am.  I am feeling intolerant of people in the "real world" as much as I am in the online one.

And it's crap.  And it sucks.

And I'm tired.


Ugh!

 

Something happened . . .

Before I went on holiday, something happened.

Something that took a lot of time to organise, to make happen.  Something that took time, effort, energy and money to make happen. 

Hindsight can be a wonderful thing - because well . . .it just is! There were moments that of course I enjoyed, that I was glad that it happened, but, hindsight, well that just makes you say "why the fuck did I bother?".


But, while I was away, something happened.

Apart from making me realise that the "something" before holiday had in fact been a waste of all of that time, energy and effort, it also made me realise that sometimes, you place a trust in something, in some one. That you may have hopes or belief in something, and how quickly you learn that those hopes or beliefs and indeed that the trust was very misplaced.

As I said, why the fuck did I bother?!  Do I feel sad? upset? Angry? No, none of those feelings are particularly even worth having. Disappointed perhaps, let down, perhaps.

But, such is life.

We live. 

We learn.

We learn each time that placing that trust, of making that effort, just isn't worth it.  And we learn that each time, it becomes a little harder to do so.  We become a little more hardened, we become a little more cynical, we become less trusting.

Do I regret bothering in the first place? Regrets aren't my thing. But I damn well learn.  If we don't "bother" then well . . .we don't find out, we don't see the true colours, we don't see the reality instead of the hopes . . .

While I was away, something happened.

Something that enabled me to see the reality and more!

I was as I love to do, taking time out to think while the sun was setting out over the ocean, (and yes, that is my pic of that sunset!) which made it incredibly hard to get on the plane to come home.

I certainly realised how little there is to come home to, that each time it gets less and less. And that before I went I thought how badly timed the holiday was, except now I can see it was perhaps most perfectly timed.

Because in it's timing, it has enabled me to see very early on, what I wouldn't have wanted to find out a long way down the line.

But it also enabled me to see that in the future, when I get on that plane and go away, that there will be a time, when I will not come back.  It won't be for a while yet, but something happened to make me realise, it is what I want. 

Not what I thought, not what I expected, and indeed before going not what I had hoped for . . . but something happened . . . 

 

Wait for it!

At Last My Lovely ~ Jack Vettriano

"Someday, someone is going to look at you with a light in their eyes you’ve never seen, they’ll look at you like you’re everything they’ve been looking for their entire lives. Wait for it."


I just came across this comment while browsing tumblr.

And yes. Oh goodness YES!

You don't even need to close your eyes to imagine that moment. To have a moment so perfect, that moment when you see that light in their eyes, that moment. That look. That feeling. That surge of feeling and emotion.

And you don't need to close your eyes to imagine those feelings that you have in response, those feelings deep down in the pit of your stomach as you feel the feelings swell.  

Just reading it, just thinking of that moment, it brings that sense to you, of those feelings . . .so yes wait for it.  

Indeed.

Always expect the unexpected . . .

“We all think we’re going to be great and we feel a little bit robbed when our expectations aren’t met. But sometimes our expectations sell us short. Sometimes the expected simply pales in comparison to the unexpected. You got to wonder why we cling to our expectations, because the expected is just what keeps us steady. Standing. Still. The expected's just the beginning, the unexpected is what changes our lives.” Shonda Rhimes


And that is something I always hold on to.

Expecting the unexpected and not placing expectations upon things because it can change the way they are, the way they can be.  And I hold onto it because it is most often the things that we do not expect which do change our lives.  And, those unexpected things can often be so much better, simply because they are free from expectation, because they do not have the pressure of expectations. Instead they can simply "be" as they are.  As they are meant to be. Happen as and how they are meant to happen. 

It does not mean that something which happens unexpectedly doesn't take us by surprise, for goodness it sure can do, we can still be knocked sideways by the curve ball thrown in our direction, or have the wind taken out of our sails.

But there can be something quite special, quite wonderful when something so unexpected happens that it comes with a whole host of potential and possibilities.  Quite unexpectedly, it comes from nowhere, but has a potential to go beyond what we may even have perhaps even dared to hope for.

Life, we can never really plan.

We can never know what, or who, maybe just around the corner.  People often say that they meet someone when they are least expecting it - is it because that meeting comes with no pre-existing expectations? That they are, with their hearts and minds completely open to whatever may happen . . .that it can then happen as it is meant to?

Life, inevitably throws us curve balls, times when circumstances are a reminder to expect the unexpected, yet these curve balls, these unexpected moments can also be quite beautiful, as they unfold and show themselves. They can be moments where it can quite literally take your breath away, leaving you amazed or taken aback at what feelings, emotions or hopes that it may bring.

In the words of Paulo Coelho “You have to take risks. We will only understand the miracle of life fully when we allow the unexpected to happen.”  So yes, maybe it is about being open, opening yourself to allow those unexpected moments to happen, and maybe it is about taking a risk for it to truly do so.

The expected is just the beginning. It is indeed, the unexpected that changes our lives.

 

I want your mouth

I want your mouth. Your kisses, each moment of the day. I want to feel the press of your body against me, your lips against mine as they meet.  A tentative brush as lips touch gently, my hand reaching around the back of your head, pulling you nearer still, allowing me to kiss you deeply, taking your lips, your tongue, your mouth.  Ebullient pressure as your lips gently part for me, opening you to me, so I can reach in and pull out your soul.  A desirous moment when when our tongues erotically meet and begin their amatory dance.  Lips and tongues moving with slow and gentle precision, each kiss expressing a depth of devotion, of love, of passion and desire. Lips that ache to kiss you. I want your mouth.

 

Desire

I want to sit astride you, cupping your face as I kiss your lips, as I devour your mouth. Feeling your hips grind against me, pressing into my most intimate of places.  I can feel your desire, your need and the hunger that explodes inside of you, that explodes inside of me.

I lean into you, staring into your eyes, kissing your lips, biting you, tasting you.  Teasing you. And we move together you and I into an end and a shared release.

Creating something perfect.

"The hardest part of creating something from nothing is realising it doesn’t have to be perfect. It just has to be you." unknown

 

 

 

And that is all that I ask.That someone is just simply who they are.

No fronts, no masks, not hiding behind bravado or fantasy, just simply who they are.  And accepted as such. For all that they are.

None of us are perfect, nothing can ever be perfect, but it can be simple. You can simply be you. I can simply be me. And in together, we can simply be who we are, enabling the other to be who they are.

Yes we may create something from nothing . . .but at least what we create, is what we need. What we want,  of what works for us. It doesn't need labels, it doesn't have to fit into anyone's ideas of what is "right".  It can just be.

And that, is perfect!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Explosions

The lyrics of this song by Ellie Goulding bring You to mind.  

Most especially, the part that I have bolded in the end of the lyrics.

I see that the explosion in your world as it all comes crashing down from the sky.  An explosion no-one could prevent, no matter how hard anyone could have tried.

But it is You, YOU that has put yourself into that situation and there is only so much anyone can do.  For so long, I tried.  But it would never, nor could it ever be enough.  

But it will never be the same. It never can be the same.

We can only watch from a distance, love from a distance, knowing that it is the only way it can be.  And hoping, that after it has all crashed down, that one day, somehow, you will come back together. With peace of mind.

Ellie Goulding - Explosions

You trembled like you'd seen a ghost
And I gave in
I lack the things you need the most, you said where have you been
You wasted all that sweetness to run and hide
I wonder why
I remind you of the days you poured your heart into
But you never tried
I've fallen from grace
Took a blow to my face
I've loved and I've lost
I've loved and I've lost

Explosions...on the day you wake up
Needing somebody and you've learned
It's okay to be afraid
But it will never be the same
It will never be the same

You left my soul bleeding in the dark
So you could be king
The rules you set are still untold to me and I lost my faith in everything
The nights you could cope, your intentions were gold
But the mountains will shake
I need to know I can still make

Explosions...on the day you wake up
Needing somebody and you've learned
It's okay to be afraid
But it will never be the same

And as the floods move in
And your body starts to sink
I was the last thing on your mind
I know you better than you think
'Cause it's simple darling, I gave you a warning
Now everything you own is falling from the sky in pieces
So watch them fall with you, in slow motion
I pray that you will find peace of mind
And I'll find you another time
I'll love you, another time

Explosions...on the day you wake up
Needing somebody and you've learned
It's okay to be afraid
But it will never be the same 

The kiss

Your mouth, your face, your neck,
Breathing you in as my body presses against your own.
Feeling the hardness from your body 
as you push against me harder still.
Adorning you with a kiss, 
your flesh greedily being covered and taken
Tasting you upon my tongue.
As my mouth traces the lines of your body.
Feeling desire igniting deep inside.
I can feel your want of me. Your need of me.
And I can taste the desire that flows from your body.
I can still feel it now, the way it felt. 
As I claimed your mouth and took it with my own.

 

Something happened.

Lips meet.

Something happens, an intensity of locked eyes, staring deep into the others' soul.  The things that you see - desire, lust, love, longing, all felt the moment our lips touched in tender gentleness.  I could almost taste you before we'd even touched. The gentleness of your lips, your probing tongue, the roughness of the stubble against my face.

A gentle moment, tender and intimate, an exchange of breath and closeness, passion and lust.  A moment shared.

Something happened.

Flowers . . .

For my flowers.  I thank you!

They are simply beautiful and lovely and sweet.  Just like you, the person who sent them to me.  

It means a lot, that you asked for certain flowers to be included because you know how much I love them and their personal significance, but also that you asked for certain flowers to be omitted - the note that you sent did show to me just how much you'd taken on board, the things that you remembered of the things that we had talked about.

So, I thank you, sincerely, for your thoughtful care, for your very good memory and for a wonderful surprise - they are very special.

They have made my day.   

*YOU* have made my day.  

*smiles*

Thank you!

Craved

A desire burns, a body trembles with a deep need as yet unsated.  A simple touch creates a hunger that isn't satisfied.  I want to place my hands on you, tearing at your skin with my nails, I want to feel your body against my own, dampness of burning skin sliding against the other as I feel your strength from your body as I pull you closer.

The beast unleashed, let free from its cage, as you beg and plead to be taken, to be broken, to bleed, to cry.  And the pleadings only serve to increase the need to hurt you more, to enshroud us in a depraved darkness as it covers us and we are swept away in the licentious moment in time, becoming one in the erratic beat of passion and desire that sounds out within the room.  

Irregular and ragged breath that you take, a beating heart pounding to its own cadence.  Body so tight that it cannot take in its breath, lungs screaming for air and life.  Eyes wide and glazed with a fire burning deep within.  Butterflies fluttering, juices dampening soft and silky thighs.  The darkness unleashes a beast, a primal woman, that sees the need burning deep within you.

Hair gripped in hand, shoving you to the ground, raising your face with one hand as the other snaps against your cheek, head spinning, falling deeper into a place where nothing exists but that moment, and you and I.  Dragging you across the floor, skin scraping on the bare floor, a cacophony of moans and groans escaping your engorged lips.  Thrown to the floor, being held with my heel from my shoe, I reach for the belt that is hung over the door.  The smell of leather permeates the air, wafted under your nose to excite you further.

The sounds of your scream echo in the silence, as your body shakes uncontrollably, the sense of power courses from the leather up through my arm, crashing down through my body in a never ending spiral. There is urgency, heat and passion, harshness and cruelty, as the leather beats at your skin, as your screams tear me apart, ripping me open, baring the beast that has been caged inside for so long.

Sensations take hold, your choking from my foot against your neck, the harshness of the leather against your reddened skin.  As I reach down to take you in my arms, my palms coming down against the soft flesh of the cheeks of your ass, exploring, probing, until they find where they want to go.  Your body shaking and yet soaring with the stimulation of my fingers and my breath against your neck as I whisper into your ear.  The screams that escape your mouth as I push in deeper, the screams that continue to excite the beast, primal cravings as I take you in my hand, deep gutteral utterances escaping your lips, as you are taken. 

Used. Ripped. Assaulted. Broken.

And yet, it was embraced, welcomed, needed.

Craved.

Guess what . . .

 . . .is on it's way to me?


Oh my.















.

 

Yes, as I wrote HERE . . . complete shoe porn!

And now, I will have my very own pair!

I'm such a bad girl ;) 


And now I must be patient for them to arrive.  

Do hurry up Mr Postman! I need a dose of shoe porn! I need them for my feet!!!  I am normally a very patient person, but I cannot wait for these to arrive :D

 

Dreaming

I had a dream last night.

The whole events of "letting go" as I wrote about HERE in April of last year replayed themselves in my mind.   And I have woken this morning feeling that whole sense of emptiness that overwhelmed me at that moment I stood up and walked away, the moment that the heart shattered into a thousand pieces.

It was as if it happened only yesterday, and yet it seems a lifetime ago.   But I am somewhat taken aback at how fresh those memories are, the feelings, the emotions, the sadness, of how vivid the look of pain in his eyes can still haunt so many months later.

I know what caused it to be in my dreams, I know that something happened yesterday, something that someone said, was just like hearing something from all that time ago.  Same words. Same sentiment. Different person.

I am not sure how JoJo and I have not crossed paths since last November, in fact, I thought I saw him pass outside my office window as I daydreaming out of it this morning.  And it is strange how he doesn't come to mind and yet not only last night did I relive that whole moment, and then today, I had a fleeting glimpse of someone who was so much like him pass outside the window.

Someone commented on a post about JoJo recently, saying that I gave him the gift of opening him up to be the person he was, so he could be the person he wanted to be, that I had accepted him in a way that others close to him hadn't. But that, however hard, letting him go was, that was also a gift to him.

But at times, even now, it doesn't feel like a gift.

The sadness of his eyes can haunt, I know that it hurt him, and yet it was the last thing that I would ever want to do on an emotional level (hurting him from a sadistic point of view is a completely different kettle of fish), but, I know that it did.  And yet, I know it was the right thing, and I hate that there is a little seed of doubt from the dream I had last night as to whether it could have been different.

Because I know it could not have been. 

Of course it couldn't.  Not really. No matter how much we may want something to "be", we cannot make it "be" if it really stands no chance of ever being.

Yes we can make things happen, we can make things work, but, only if they are on the same page, wanting the same things, needing the same things.  And he and I weren't, we didn't.  And it still makes me feel somewhat sad, in a melancholic way, of having to let go so completely, so totally. 

With such total finality.

I miss the conversations we would have, the way we would explore the depths of his mind, finding an understanding for his longings, his needs, the things for which he carried so much shame.   I miss the times we laughed, the times we shared, I miss his vulnerability and the way his eyes would drop, the way his cheeks would blush and burn.  The way he would plead for more and then beg to stop.  The conflict of his desires battling at force with the thoughts in his mind.

But despite that, or even because of all of that, it was the best thing for him.

Yes I know.

But, that aside, there's that little tiny part of me that sometimes wished that it didn't have to be that way. We could have continued to share so much, but there would always have been the things missing from what we needed, I didn't want to resent him, I didn't want him to resent me.   I could have taken almost what I wanted, but couldn't do that to him.

Blegh! Dreams.

How difficult they can be at times, re-living a situation, a moment in time that was always best left in the past.   And it was. It is.  And I need to shake this feeling. 

At times like this, insomnia and not being able to dream is a little more appealing! 

Bliss.

Now we’re in the bedroom.
The bed is our cocoon,
a soft haven. 

We pull the crisp sheets over our heads,
and we’ve created our own 
                                          pillowy world.

We are Gods. 

The sun shines
                       through the windows,
                        through the blinds,
peeking past the through the curtains.
Even though the sunlight snuck in, 
we welcome it. 

Life.

I open my eyes, 

Taking my first look at
The new world we have 
                         created, omnipotent.
A world of white sheets, 
warmth, 
our mingling scents... 
                                            and you…

You smile.
I can’t help
                          but smile back.

Why are we laughing?
Neither of us know;
but we are. 

Bliss.






© Kat