FLRs ~ my reality.

Why this blog?

Well, the boy is currently working on a blog of his "past", a reflection of his journey and someone recently asked me how I discovered FLRs, how I discovered D/s, BDSM and all that I want and need . .  .

So, this has led me to writing this blog . . .

I discovered the "world" of D/s considerably late in life in that, it wasn't something that I had ultimately come across in many respects until about 8-10 years ago.  However without labels, it is something that has been a part of my adult life, within my relationships. 

I was always aware of its existence, of course I was. I haven't grown up wearing blinkers, being totally oblivious to the existence of all that is BDSM, but, when I first began to explore and become aware of it all, there were many areas and aspects that I didn't relate to.  Maybe that was because of a lack of understanding, maybe it was to do with not experiencing certain things. 

But understanding comes with experience. Many things come with experience. 

My introduction to many areas of BDSM came to me via an old friend.  He had kept his "secret" from me for many years of his need to Dominate.  He was and is naturally dominant.  We were and are so similar in so many ways, that it would often cause battles, it would often lead to quite vocal disagreements, but we were always able to be honest and open with each other.  And we know each other in a way that no-one else knows the other.  We knew the other, often at times better than we knew ourselves. 

He shared this part of me with him, afraid that I would judge him afraid that I wouldn't understand.  Instead he shared it with me, instead we began a journey together that I could never have imagined or envisaged. 

"Our" journey was one that gave me so many experiences in so many different ways, and while ultimately it wasn't the right journey for me, it or more so He enabled me to find a real depth of understanding. An understanding of myself, my needs and exactly who I am.  He enabled me to find myself, and to do so with acceptance, without shame, and knowing that how dark or depraved, ultimately it IS ok.

That *I* am ok.

It was when I was with Him, which was an incredibly and deeply emotional M/s relationship that I had my "lightbulb moment". 

The time when everything fell into place. 

The time when I gained an insight into myself, my needs and desires and wants.  It was an understanding of ultimately my need for control and to control, my need to not only to be allowed to be my natural dominant self, but also to be physically Dominant; but more so my need to actually dominate.

It brought the acceptance of everything sexual and kink based which to that point, I had at times been ashamed of the dark and depraved thoughts, fantasies and longings that had been a part of my life since as long as I could remember. 

I was able to see just how it wasn't right for me to give up control, it enabled me to see why I needed to be in control, why I needed to dominate, and while I still needed and wanted sexual adventure, fetish and kink while still needing and wanting everything that came with "vanilla" relationships too. 

He was the one that granted me the gift of being able to be me. For that, I will always be thankful.

The relationship I had with him was one which enabled me to find the understanding of my natural dominant personality and the way that crosses over into so many areas of my life, why relationships from my past had worked or why they hadn't. The reasons why they failed.

And I was able to go right back to my own childhood and pinpoint where these needs began, where they began to grow and the reasons why they did.  That so much of it stemmed from the time when my parents separated and subsequently divorced, the time when I was in so many ways "thrown" out into the world of taking care of myself, of making my own decisions, of being in control. 

And it was during this lightbulb moment that I really found the understanding of FLRs, their existence and just how much it "fit" who I was, fit what I wanted or needed within a relationship, fit what my reality had already been in so many ways ~ I was able to see how much my previous relationships had been female led even without either my then partners or myself being wholly aware of it.  The decisions had been taken and made by me, I had control over financial aspects, decisions within the relationship, the household and considerable levels of control over the male I was then with.  I had been the dominant one. I had dominated, even without actually being aware or realising. 

Upon reflection, the one constant of my relationships, the fact that they were female led, was the thing that had made them work, the reasons why they had flourished in the way they had. Yes they had ended, but it wasn't because they were female led.

And this has simply continued throughout my life, through my teens, twenties and to where I am now. 

My dominant personality led me into a career in a very male based environment and from an early age into the management of the same.  I have always had to "stand up" for myself, coming across some very negative male attitudes towards women in the work place and more especially, women within a male dominated workplace.  I have always had to be strong willed. I have always been the responsible one, the one who people have turned to for support, for advice, for direction.

Workwise I have always had a role in management ever since graduating from University with my degree.  I have always been responsible for people and their welfare, their jobs and their working environment.  I have always been in control of my own path.  Right through to the fact that for approaching a decade now I have had my own company, and manage 5 others.  In control of the workplace for myself and others.  And it has taken a while for me to accept that I feel ok with needing and wanting that control.

Into adulthood, that control, that dominance has crept into my personal life, my relationships, but at the time, although I wasn't overly aware of the whole D/s aspects, the whole FLR existence, it is exactly how I have lived.  Even if it is not to the level I have wanted or hope to achieve. That I still want to have.

To me, it was just a natural thing that within the relationships I made the decisions, I took control and it was just the natural thing that the male partner I was with, naturally fell into his natural place too. 

I have often wondered, since discovering the world of BDSM whether I was naturally drawn to what were submissive males.  It would certainly appear that way.  Even though overtly those I have spent parts of my life with haven't been submissive.  In some cases far from it, but the relationship has still been very much female led.  Even to the time of (and since) having my son, and his upbringing being solely down to me.  Even in the years I have been a single parent, all of the decisions, work, home, family have all been down to me. 

And I flourish in such situations. 

I feel confident in the decisions I make, the choices that I make. 

I naturally take control, it is just who I am.

And now, I feel that confidence and flourish in situations of D/s and FLRs but with an understanding and clarity that allows me to take relationships down the path that I want or need, it enables me to build upon something that will ultimately feed my needs, not only as a Dominant female, but also my needs in terms of sadism, fetish and kink too. 

It also allows me to create that, to have that, with someone who wants or needs the same but from the opposite end of the D/s spectrum. 

Someone who needs to be controlled, someone who needs to submit, someone who needs to be dominated, someone who is happy and content to be within an FLR, who while not needing to be micro managed is happy that someone ultimately makes all the decisions. That while their opinion is still important, that it still counts, that they will always "bow down" to the decision that the female makes. 

And I need someone who needs that. 

Opposite sides of the same coin. Opposite ends of the D/s spectrum, both wanting different things from the same dynamic but those different things being the balance.

I have been able to pinpoint why certain past relationships failed but also why in other ways that they flourished and I only wish I had the understanding, insight and clarity that I do now back then.  It could have made life a whole lot different.  But I am thankful that I have the understanding that I do now. I will always be thankful for the "lightbulb moment" that C granted to me.

I would like to think that it helps me to be far more open in current relationships, that I can see what I need to make it work, for it to work and can take steps to do all I can to ensure that it does.  Of course, there is never any guarantee that a relationship will work, it doesn't matter whether it is "vanilla", D/s, M/s, FLR or WLM, there may always be things that will cause a relationship to falter, to go wrong.  But, I am more aware now than I have ever been in my life exactly what I want or need and as such am in a place where I will no longer settle for anything less than that. 

It seems that so many try to push others under a "label" in the areas of BDSM this is in fact very common and yes in the early days I tried to pigeon hole myself too.

Trying to fit into what I thought was right (rather than what was right) But, I no longer do that. Instead I am open and accept who I am, in the way that I am, rather than what a label tells me I should be.

Others are quite within their rights to think in their opinion that it is wrong, but for me it is right and that at the end of that day, is what I am concerned about. And that any relationship I am in, is also right, and that it meets the needs of both people in it.

There are things and aspects from D/s that I need, things which even border on the M/s, there is the whole aspect of FLRs which "fit", but then there are also things from Femdom but also Kink and fetish too. 

So, there isn't any one label I am able to give the dynamic that I need, that I want, or that I "label" myself with.  Instead  there are many things that I take from all of these and bring them together to give the dynamic that I want and need.  But, one thing is for sure is that any relationship I have, that the one constant is that it is an FLR. The levels of kink, fetish, D/s etc may vary, but the one thing that isn't up for negotiation or discussion is the FLR aspects.

FLRs are my reality, they are right for me.

They are my truth. 

I do what I can to ensure that whatever I want or need from a relationship will be there ~ if there are things missing at the beginning then it is more than likely that it will fail or that it will not be the ultimate relationship, meeting all of the needs, that it will be too much of a compromise.  I am open to all of the different aspects of BDSM and FLRs and I need parts of all of them in one form or combination.

I need to be in control, but I also have sadistic needs that I need to meet too, I need the relationship to be female led, that the decisions are ultimately mine, but I also need the kink too.  I need to be able to be myself, to be dominant with a submissive partner, but also to Dominate.  I am strong willed, I am confident, and I have a very strong dominant personality in all aspects of my life, but, the need to Dominate is very strong for me. 

I need all of the other aspects too, someone who is a friend, a companion, a lover, not someone who is just my submissive, not someone who is just property, but someone who is all of that and more. 

Am I just greedy in what I want? Maybe.

But I am open and accept all that I am, all that I need, and will do all that I can to ensure that the needs are met.  And it is having all of this in a relationship that feeds me, it feeds my need, but more so, it balances who I am as a person.

I always have a dominant personality, but I can only dominate when I am with someone.  I may have a need to always be dominant because it is naturally who I am but I do not always have a need to dominate every person.  But I do have a need to dominate one. I do have a need to be in control of that one and the relationship that we are in.  I am aware of it. I accept it. I am open to it.

It goes back to that saying "to thine own self be true".

And I try to be as much as I am physically able to.  Of course life always needs some compromise, the ins and outs of daily life play their part, we always will have to hold back a little, with work, home or family commitments.  But I am and will live my life in the way I am able, as much as I am able. To meet my needs and the person who I am with.

Now see what I mean with it being so impossible to fit under labels?

Society places such pressure on us to "conform" and that anything out of the "norm" means that you're some kind of freak or that there is something wrong.  It makes it easier to hide, to keep things secret, to keep things away from others.

There isn't anything wrong with the things that I want, ( or the things that YOU want) the way that I live or the types of relationships I have.  There isn't anything wrong with my sadistic need, the need to hurt the person physically that I am with or the fact that it fulfils a need within me.  There isn't anything wrong with being a female within a relationship but being the one in charge. There isn't anything wrong with being the one who makes the decisions, who is in control.  But so many things can make us feel guilty, can make us feel ashamed of the things that we may want or need.  So much of it coming from society who tell us that to do X, Y or Z is wrong.

There isn't anything wrong with those who want the opposite to me.

I certainly do not feel ashamed of why or what I am or of the needs that I have. I will also do my upmost to ensure that the person I am with feels that way too, that they can be the person they are without shame.   But others through lack of understanding or ignorance can make it very difficult to be so fully open of the way we live our lives, even now.

But I am aware of my needs, I know what it is that I need and that is all of the above.  And although the D/s,  kink or anything else may vary, the one constant for me is my relationships being female led.  Being led by me.  That isn't something that has changed, (deepened, grown yes, changed no) and it certainly won't now.

FLR is my constant. 

It will be my future in a way and a depth that hasn't been there before. And that is with an understanding. With an insight. With a clarity that hasn't truly been there before. 

But more so, it will be with an openness and acceptance to all that life may bring, to all that I may want to enable me to be the person I am.

Kissing . . .

"Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves."

 ~Albert Einstein

Any person who can do anything else while kissing, isn't giving it the attention it deserves.  Kissing deserves every bit of attention, it deserves to be the focus.

For those who follow my blog will not be left in any doubt that it is one of my "loves", my favourites. 

It is such a beautiful but intimate thing.  Something that can quite literally take your breath away.

Simply beautiful.

FLRs ~ love? needs? or just hard work . . .

I have lost count of the amount of times I have seen blogs express these very words when it comes to FLR or WLM relationships . .

."it's just not happening, no matter how hard I try",

 or

…”I've been struggling to introduce such a dynamic in my marriage for a few years now without success but I am ever hopeful.”


I too have lost count of the people who have shared their hopes that introducing such a dynamic can work and that unfortunately, it seems a quite rare occurrence where it does work with positive outcomes.  There seems a never ending stream of blogs filled with frustration, filled with futile attempts at trying to introduce an FLR into an existing relationship or marriage.

There are many blogs out there, many submissive males writing expressing their need, their desire to live within a Female Led Relationship (FLR) or indeed a Wife Led Marriage (WLM) and those who have tried to introduce their female partner to the dynamic.  Those who have tried, and continue to try. Those who have tried and have hit a brick wall, those who have tried and succeeded (although these seem to be quite rare in existence)

I even follow many of the blogs as I find it interesting to read their feelings, their desires but also their attempts at trying to introduce them to a dynamic which for me, is the only way I can live.  

But, one emotion, one feeling that seems so commonplace through these writings, is frustration. 

Frustration that they cannot communicate their needs to their wife/partner.

Frustration that if they have taken the step to communicate their needs that trying to get the wife/partner to take the lead isn't as easy as first thought.

Frustration that she seems to go "through the motions" rather than it being something she truly wants or feels is right.

Frustration that it begins, it works but after a short while it fades away.

Frustration that it just isn't meeting the submissive needs, and that frustration that they cannot live as they wish to live.

There are very few "success story" blogs which truly show FLRs working where the male has attempted to introduce the dynamic to the relationship, there are those where it has been a joint move towards the dynamic, but very few (although they do exist!) of those where the male has introduced FLRs to their partner and she has flourished having that control. 

There are those where the FLR is a natural thing for both and there are blogs which you can see this within, (although, even these blogs aren't overly commonplace) but the ones that really stand out, and the ones that there are so many of, are those which just haven't worked, those where they have tried or failed, or those where they simply cannot communicate their submissive needs and their own longings to be within an FLR.

It seems also, that those blogs written from the female perspective who naturally want, need or demand an FLR  are even rarer.  I wonder if this is because it is still something that is still working its way into a way of living? Or is it because it isn't something females in this position feel comfortable sharing? Or, are they so busy leading the relationships that they simply don't have time to blog about it lol

I am one of those who naturally want, need or demand an FLR. I have a need for such a dynamic. 

I am someone who freely chooses the dynamic or more so, demand it. 

My relationships will always be female led.  They will always be led by me.  I couldn't live any other way,  because doing so, just wouldn't be right for me. 

But I also know, if it wasn't right for me, that I wouldn't want to live this way. If it wasn't naturally right for me to be in control, to take the lead, then I wouldn't want to and that it would be a struggle for me to do so and for it to feel right, so I can also understand why there are so many people writing about the struggles they face introducing an FLR or WLM, or even more so, maintaining that within the relationship.

I was surprised at first, by the amount of blogs and writings written from the point of views of the male submissive who have attempted to introduce the concept of FLR or WLM to their relationships, but I am no longer surprised by those that try and either face opposition or those who try, and then the female loses interest and they do not follow through with the control, the discipline or indeed take the lead. 

Of course to live that way for a while, for it to be within grasp, only for it to fade away once again must be incredibly frustrating, perhaps even more so than those who just keep their needs hidden within.  One thing I have learned though, is life is too short for us to not be able to live our lives the way that we want, and that ultimately, we have to either accept or compromise, or take steps to live the way we want, desire or more so need.

There are so many blogs which come to an abrupt end, an end because the dynamic of an FLR or WLM isn't working and that it returns to the vanilla way of living it was before.  There are many which show that having attempted to introduce an FLR dynamic has had a detrimental affect upon the relationship or marriage and that is incredibly sad too.

I was reading one particular blog earlier which simply said that their wife wasn't willing or able to commit to an FLR,  even if she had to begin with, been willing to try, willing to see where it went. And that even though the submissive male may wait for her to re-instigate the dynamic, it isn't happening.   And I sensed his deep frustration, the fact that is he resigning himself that she will not take control, that he will not get the chance to submit and as such, will then not lead the life that he wants or needs to live.  I understand so much just how hard that is, of just why it is frustrating.

I guess there is always the chance that some couples will go through changes where the D/s or FLR dynamics will ebb and flow, times when vanilla living becomes the main way of living, only for the D/s or FLR to return later.  Is that enough to live that way?  Even now, I know that my own "life" takes over so much of the things that I would like to be doing, preventing my truly allowing any dynamic, any FLR to grow and develop.  But this is life, we all have commitments that need to be met, and it can be hard when you are up to your neck in "daily life" to think at times of having to take control or to do things to make the dynamic felt, experienced.  Although, if it is something naturally within you, that dynamic can exist even with the basic of things, always felt in the simplest of ways, something that will enable the female to dominate, the male to submit.

But, you have to want it. Truly want it.

But even then, this is not easy.  Even when it is something naturally felt, naturally wanted or demanded.  But then, any relationship, any dynamic of whatever kind is never easy, they always take work to make them work.  Just some, may take more than others.

I think the natural "ebb and flow" is quite commonplace within FLRs or even within D/s relationships, but, the dynamic and power exchange is always felt. It is always present.  I think if it is something that both want or need from their relationships then it is more likely to flow back after a break than what it is for someone who doesn't need it or necessarily want it.  If the female is only entering into an FLR to please the male and it doesn't work for her, it is I would think incredibly hard for it to "flow" back after an ebb.  After all, what is the motivation for her to want it to come back? 

Being strong minded or strong willed, doesn't necessarily make someone dominant.  More so, being strong minded or strong willed, may make them dominant, but may not give them a need to dominate.  And I think so often, that some will look at someone and think that because they are strong willed, because they may have a dominant personality or be dominant in daily life that they would naturally want to dominate or to lead the relationship, and sadly for some, this is far from the reality. 

I am naturally dominant.

I have a dominant personality. 

However, I also have a need to dominate.

I have  a need to lead, to be in control, to be in control of myself, and the person I am in a relationship with, as well as taking the lead and control over all aspects of that relationship.   I could say, why wouldn't a woman want this, why doesn't she want to jump at the chance of being in control of everything, but, I choose this, I need this because it is naturally right for me.

It took a long time for me to accept that I need this. Time to accept that this is naturally what I want and to feel confident in both myself and my choice.  It took time for me to feel at ease with being the focus of someone else, to be at the centre of their world and having the freedom to make the choices that I wanted or needed to in respect to my life.  The sexual freedom for my needs to be met as well as emotionally or physically. 

Would I want this if I hadn't accepted or if it wasn't naturally right for me?

No. I wouldn't.

I couldn't "attempt" at living a way that wasn't what I needed or wanted, I couldn't "pretend", I couldn't take on a role that wasn't me. 

I am true to myself.

I need to be true to myself and that truth for me comes from an FLR, it comes within D/s, it comes with kink also.  It comes with an acceptance of what I need (including all of the darkness and depravity, the sexual, the sensual and the sadistic too!)

If I were to for example within a vanilla relationship, I would be living within a "role" that isn't for me, I would be compromising on the needs I have, I wouldn't be true to myself.  For me, I cannot live that way and ultimately would rather be single than within a relationship or dynamic that doesn't enable me to be who I truly am.

Have I ended a relationship because of that?

Yes.

Is it easy to do so?

No of course it isn't.

But, I am also fully aware that if a relationship doesn't meet the needs of the people within it, then it is unlikely to ever truly work.

Maybe this is the same for those who attempt this but cannot follow through, that it isn't them being true to themselves and that it just doesn't feel right for them. That they do it, even if it is to go through the motions, so that they can enable their partner to have their own needs met, but ultimately it isn't what they want.  Someone is always compromising. It just depends just how much you can or will.

There are many bloggers who make reference to their attempts to bring this dynamic into the relationship, the unsubtle "hints", the emails of introducing chastity devices in the hopes that she will go for it.  And so many failed attempts, and so many instances where communicating just doesn't happen.  And that in any relationship is so very important.

Those who write and share their frustrations because they cannot even in the first instance raise the subject with their partner.  The battles within themselves of how to do it, or even if to do it.  Communication is so important, and unless one can find ways of communicating their needs in the correct way, then things will never change, things can never even possibly become a reality.

One thing I am aware of, writing as a female who would want nothing less than an FLR, is that, it would be a struggle for me to fit this dynamic if it wasn't naturally who I was.  Just as the time when I explored the depths of submitting. While that was very real to me, while the feelings were very real to me, it wasn't naturally me.  I felt that I was playing some sort of role, trying to fit into the needs of the Dominant male.  I felt that at times, it was all an act, a role play.  And in the long run, while I had incredible and wonderful experiences which I shall never forget, it did enable me to see that it wasn't who I was and that submitting isn't for me. It isn't who I am.

But for some, taking the lead, being the female in an FLR or WLM can be so far removed from their natural selves that it feels wrong. It feels to them that they are in a role play.  And in such situations, the female is only doing what their partner wants so their needs are satisfied, and that's fine, there isn't anything wrong with that, but what is then not working, is that the submissive's needs aren't actually being met through them serving or pleasing, and they are being left to feel that they are pushing so much that it is in fact them who are making the decisions or leading the relationship. 

And I can understand all to well, why this doesn't work, why it means the submissives needs aren't being met and the difficulties it then causes within relationships.  Room for resentment (from both sides), room for both to feel unfulfilled, room for a crack to build in what may have been a strong relationship.

I however, cannot imagine living any other way. 

I have always been the dominant partner within what a lot of people would consider "vanilla relationships" even if they were filled with kink.  They have, without even realising it been very much female led, led by me.  Daily decisions, big decisions, have all been down to me. Control of the finances, control of so many things, have always been down to me.  At the time, of course I never realised the significance of this, I never realised that my relationships would be described as such.  But they were, and it also has led me to knowing that anything less just wouldn't work for me.  And in turn, I can see why it doesn't work for those who do not naturally want this within their relationship, while for some it doesn't feel right, or that they do it just to please or meet the needs of their submissive partner.

Someone said to me "It must be love, to do this to meet the submissives needs"  or that "it must be too much hard work" but that is just it, I don't do it to meet the submissive's needs, I don't "do it", for any other reason than it is purely what I want, what I need from a relationship.  Neither is it too much hard work.  If it was, then it means the relationship isn't right. Not because being within an FLR, or having that dynamic is too much like hard work.

Ultimately, he is there to make my life easier, in whatever way that is. If he makes it harder, then that is ultimately down to me to change things within the relationship so it is back on track.  But it isn't about "love", it isn't about meeting the submissive's needs, it isn't about being hard work. 

It is my way of living, which is why in turn, I need a submissive who needs this kind of dynamic too. Not one who wants to submit in the bedroom and then be all "macho" out of it, I dont want someone who wants me to take control sexually but then wants to be in control in all other aspects.  It doesn't work that way for me . . .it never has . . .it never will!

An FLR (with all of the kink and D/s thrown in for me) is what I want, what I need.  I don't choose to do it to meet anyone's needs, I don't do it because its "love".

I do it because it is naturally me. 

I want it because I wouldn't be happy living any other way and I do it because for me, it meets my Dominant needs, my sadistic needs, but also because it is me. I need it. Simple really.

I understand the frustrations of those who try to introduce it into their relationships and when it doesn't work.  And just how hard it must be to have a taste of it, only for it to whither away as if it was never attempted, we long for what we had or have tried, and we all know too well, just how much the submissive need can scream!

I understand the needs of those who want their female partner or wife to take control, to be the dominant partner.  I understand that it isn't as easy as people think.  But one thing I do not think that this is the kind of dynamic or lifestyle which one can force or coerce another to follow, that some may find it acceptable, they may fit into the "role", but that in so many cases, that is what it is, a role to be played rather than truly lived, and because it isn't a natural role, that it is for some, so easy to let it go, to attempt and move on. 

I know for me, I couldn't play a role.  I've tried it.  It doesn't work.

I need to to be myself, within the relationship that enables me to be that, it just so happens though, that for me, that DOES come with an FLR, it does come with D/s, and it comes with kink thrown in too.

Maybe I am one of the lucky ones that I am able to live in the way that I want, in the way that meets my needs.  Maybe I am lucky that I am in a place in my life where I will not accept anything less than what I want or need.  Maybe I am lucky to be able to follow the path that I want to walk.

I do know what it is like not to have needs met, I do know what it is like to live with the frustrations when things aren't what we ultimately want. 

But ultimately, we are the only ones who can change that.

However hard it may be.

He kissed . . .

He kissed me so slowly with an open mouth and every single thing in my body-my skin, my collarbone, the hollow backs of my knees, everything inside of me filled up with light.

Kathryn Stockett



*sigh*

Always expect the unexpected!!!

Always expect the unexpected.

Something I have told the boy right from the very beginning. 

The boy often says that he never knows what to expect, and then even if at times he has expected certain things, he has been left bewildered when they haven't come to fruition. 

As I say to him often, always expect the unexpected.

It is how it should be. The boy should never become complacent, he should never think that he will know what is coming his way.

He won't.

He should also know that I am and will always be at least one step ahead of him. That there are so many things that he says, even without saying them. That there are many things that he gives away without even realising it.

So, it was unexpected to the boy yesterday when he was given permission to edge more than once.  The boy has his own version of events which you can read on this link HERE. 

As is clear, from all of the entries in the boys blog and also ones I have made here in my own, the boy is going through extended denial.  In that I have total control of what he does, when he orgasms ( which in this case isn't often!), and if or when or where it happens.  It is for me, the control of it all that meets my needs, and it also meets my sadistic needs in seeing the boy suffer, hearing him scream in frustration, and it also gives me the chance to tease . . .and deny . . .and tease some more.

So, the boy hasn't been allowed to touch or orgasm for a while. 

I gave the boy the opportunity to edge when he went shopping last week, and the fact that he went into the toilets at the supermarket, took out my cock and edged in the cubicle just goes to show the levels of desperation of the boy, the fact that he will go to such depraved lengths to edge, to touch. 
(You can read about the boys reflections of that ~ including pics on this link HERE )

And it has become clear that the boy will do almost anything regardless of the risk, regardless of how potentially humiliating to be able to touch. 

It just goes to show the way desperation can make someone do anything, things they wouldn't normally do.  And it is this, in the sense of D/s that I love, the fact that the submissive will do almost anything to please, that the need to please will push the limits that may be in place, that it will push the boy to do almost anything for release ~ and that is the joy of chastity and denial.

So, I decided that yesterday, we would see just whether we can push those limits, to see just how desperate the boy is to touch, to edge, regardless of where it may be.

Both of us at work, we'd been in touch by text during the day.  The boy advised me he would be leaving work soon and I told him that he can edge before he reached home.  I wondered just where the boy would do it, and despite the risk of being seen, being caught, the boy stopped in a layby on the edge of the road, and edged in the car.  As he writes himself in the blog,

its also funny, that, something that was quite apparent when the boy pulled over, with the closeness, of passing vehicles, turned into an insignificance, once he had only one thing on his mind, he didn't care, he could have had people staring in through the windows, he wasn't interested, her cock, and reaching the edge, and her instruction was all that mattered to the boy, end of.

And it is that focus, that I like.

That the need of him to do as instructed comes before and above anything else, regardless of the consequences, regardless of what it may mean. 

And it is that control that I like. 

It is knowing that the boy will do whatever he has to, to follow instructions, to do as he is told, and to please.  It is knowing that the submissive need, the need to please comes above, beyond anything else. 

Such submission is a beautiful thing. 

It is a powerful thing. 

It is MY thing!

It didn't end there for the boy when he got home and went to walk the dog, I made him put his clamps in place. 

Knowing that he would be out walking for 20 minutes and that the clamps would bite, would hurt, and that with every step he would feel it.

And I knew that when he took them off the pain would bite even more.

It did exactly that. 

Now, I LOVE nipple torture.

I LOVE nipple clamps.

I think that they are just so simple, but wow, they can have such an effect, for something so small to be able to cause such pain, such torture, and to bring such feelings of submission.  They are one of my favourites.

And still it wasn't over for the boy.

Before dinner, I gave him permission to edge again. 

The sole purpose of making my denial of him even more felt, something to add and continue to build his levels of frustration.  There is always a plan to the things that I do.  I always know what I intend to happen and what I am doing and why I am doing it.

And, when we spoke later on the phone, I decided that we would use the clamps again. Again, he wasn't expecting it. But then as I started with the opening words of the blog ~ always expect the unexpected!

However, the boy couldn't find the clamps. 

And so, he had to go off and find them, I gave him two minutes. 

And I know just what having a timing can do. 

It makes you panic, thinking that oh my god, what is going to happen if they aren't found, where are they and no matter how hard you look you can't find them.  I know from my own experience in the past, what that panic feels like, to have a certain length of time to find something and then not being able to.  I laughed at the boy, I could sense his panic, I could hear him getting frustrated because he couldn't find them, I could hear him cursing and throwing things around trying to find them.  And the more he was panicking the more I was quietly laughing to myself.

He finally found them. Out of time. Too bad.

So, instead of them being attached to his nipples, I made him attach one to the foreskin of my cock and the other clamp to one of his balls.  Hearing the pain he was in, just made me laugh at him.  My sadistic side really does come out at times, and it grows all of the time with the boy. 

"You really are sadistic Mistress"

*laughs* "Am I?"

"Yes Mistress"

"Oh dear!"

*laughs*

Am I sadistic?

Yes. I think I probably am.

When the boy told me that the clamp on his ball wasn't hurting that much, I made him switch it to his nipple, the other still attached to the foreskin of my cock.  I made him pull on the chain.  Hearing him suffer. Hearing his breathing change.  Hearing quite clearly the pain the boy was feeling.

*laughs*

"It hurts" the boy whimpered.

"Ohhhhh dear"

*laughs*

I responded with no sympathy and accompanied by another laugh.  I do like to laugh at the boys suffering, hearing him in pain, knowing that I am causing that pain even if by instruction rather than physically.  I told the boy that he can leave them there until I orgasm.  And then just to torture him even more, I stopped what I was doing. 

The realisation came to the boy that while I had been "playing", that I had stopped just so he would endure the pain and the discomfort for longer.

"Mistress has stopped"

*evil laughs*

"Indeed I have"

*laughs*


I finally give in and allow the boy to remove them.  Hearing the pain he is in when he does, just makes me feel even more sadistic. It makes me want to hurt him all the more. And the boy knows it too.

"You would pull so much harder wouldn't you Mistress?"

As if the boy really needs to ask that question LOL except, the boy has unleashed a hidden beast within me. The hidden beast that is my sadism. The need I have to hurt the boy.  It grows constantly. It is just like a hidden beast, prowling awaiting to be let out.

Always expect the unexpected, because there's no knowing when the beast (or anything else for that matter) may appear!

Beautiful Pain . . .

"Behind every beautiful thing, there's some kind of pain."
Bob Dylan

And when I look at this picture,

I see the beauty. I feel the beauty.

It gives me goosebumps.

It is beautiful.

Make up sex



She was slightly annoyed at him for being late, and had been led on the bed dressed in only her underwear and a vest top reading when he came home. 

She heard the key turn in the front door and listened as he took his shoes off and hung his jacket over the bannister.

She heard him climb the stairs and was determined not to speak to him.

She wanted him to be quite clear that she was annoyed at him being late and that she was fed up that his work was taking more priority than things which really should have been the top of his priority list.

He knows that he would have a lot of making up to do. He watches her from the doorway, the lines of her naked legs, the way her tousled hair was falling around her shoulders.  The small of her back uncovered and inviting.  

He stands there watching her, waiting for her to speak to him.  She ignores him.

He longs to take her deep and from behind, fucking her deep and hard, anything to get her attention which hasn't moved from the open book before her. 

But he knows he daren't.

He knows that this would anger her further right now.  But he so loves to fuck her in that way, and more so because he knows that she loves him to take her in that way, pure animalistic fucking.  But he knows, that this is not the time.

He undresses before approaching her where she is led on her front on the bed.  She continues to read, not looking up, not acknowledging his presence or even speaking to him.

He slowly crawls onto the bed, moving gently towards her and still there is no recognition from her that he was even there.  He starts to gently kiss her legs, tracing the outline of her ankles with his tongue before moving slowly up over her legs to the hollow behind her knees.  His beard gently tickling the skin as he teases her.

He feels her shudder and a gentle moan escapes from her mouth and continues to tease behind her knees, she makes no noise apart from her laboured breathing and an occasional moan escaping her lips indicating her arousal to him without words.

Still she continues to ignore him, continuing to read the book which is propped up on the pillows in front of her.  He feels humiliated that his administrations are receiving no acknowledgement even though the reactions of her body betray her arousal clearly to him.

He knows that she will be wet right now, her wonderful sweet juices which he longs to bury his face within, to taste on his tongue while he teases and worships her.  He wants to feel her wetness all over his face, in his beard, over his tongue.

His own arousal is clear and she can feel him pressed against her legs, his cock twitching as he breathes in her scent deeply.  And with each moan or noise that she makes, his cock grows harder, his hunger for her deepens, and he moves his hand slowly up to move her underwear to one side.

His mouth traces the curve of her cheeks, his eyes drawn to the wetness glistening between her legs.  He begins to nibble her skin, and he can feel the goosebumps slowly growing over her body.

He pushes his face into her cheeks, taking in her smell, her dampness and the longing he has to be deep within her.  His hands gripping her hips pulling her into him.  Still she does not speak to him, but he knows that she is aroused at his touch, his kisses, his tongue.

His tongue moving between her cheeks, finding its way to the tight bud of her, but she clasps her muscles tight, preventing him from gaining the access that he is longing for.  It is the first acknowledgement that she has made to his actions, to what he is doing, to even the fact he is there.

He looks up towards her, his eyes pleading for the permission to enter into her body with his tongue, her head, resting in her hands turns to the side.  He can see the arousal in her face, in her eyes, and as she looks at him.  He pulls her to his mouth . . .she pushes herself back onto his tongue as he buries it deep inside her. 


The make up sex has begun.

Paradox

Domination/submission is filled with similar paradox’s.

Such as Pain/pleasure.

Enslavement/freedom.

A circular and connected balance to exist between apparent opposites.

*unknown*

Give me MORE!!!!

“Man is the only animal whose desires increase as they are fed; the only animal that is never satisfied.” ~Henry George

Is this true?

Is man the only animal whose desires increase as they are fed?

The only animal that is never satisfied? 

Who knows in relation to other animals and if in "man" it means "humans" regardless of gender, then yes it could quite be true.
 

It is certainly true for me ~ "feed me" and my desires, my longings, my needs are felt and grow, keep growing . . .keep wanting and desiring and wanting more, to a point where I am not satisfied, or that it takes even more to reach a level of satisfaction.

I think this would also be true for the boy. 

But his desires are increasing because he is denied. 


Is being denied the same as being fed?


Yes, I believe it quite possibly is . . .denial, chastity, being controlled, is feeding his needs as a submissive.  All of those things feed the need he has to submit, to be controlled and to give himself over to another.
So, in that way, his being denied is his being fed. My denial of him, feeds his submissive needs and desires, and in turn, that denial increases those desires.  And in turn my control over him, meets my needs, and "feeds" my desires.

The quote suggests that the more that someone is "fed" the more they desire.  It doesn't of course make any suggestion to how, or what man is fed.  But, even if being "fed" is being denied, it increases a desire. It increases the boy's desire.  My denial of him changes his focus, and his desire to touch, to edge, to orgasm builds with every minute of denial.  But yet, he is never satisfied sexually because he is denied.  Whereas with me, I am just never satisfied LOL 

A lot of D/s relationships, a lot of FLRs or WLMs often have a situation where the submissive is restricted from having an orgasm, or that they can only have one within certain conditions.  Of course, such denial can be a wonderful thing, it is often like it is for me, just plain enjoyable to wield such control and power over the pleasure (or not) of another, and of course, the submissive who submits to that control. 

And this is often one of the differences between men and women.  In the fact that often with women, the more they are denied, the longer they can go without it that their desires do not build but the desire dissipates to a level where there is no desire at all or it is very minimal.  I know from my own experiences that extended periods of time without sexual contact or denial has this effect. 

But for the boy, for men, it does make them hungry, it does make them desire it more, it does make them sex starved and get to a place where they will do almost anything for the even slightest chance of release.  And I see that with the boy.

I know for me that being denied doesn't make me hungry, it doesn't make me desire more.  It doesn't make me sex starved.  In fact, it has the opposite effect.  If I am “fed” then I want more. I need more.  It makes me hungry, it makes me want as much as I can get, if I have one orgasm I want a dozen, as many as I can get, as many as I want.  I simply cannot get enough, and if I am “fed” my desires increase to way beyond what may even be considered the “norm” (whatever the norm is)  Yet if I have any period of time where I am without, that desire, the hunger dissipates.

I love how denial creates the desire in the boy, of how it makes him want more.  And I love how my being "fed" with orgasms, with pleasure, with his submission makes me want it all the more.  It feeds my desire, my longings, my needs.  My denying him feeds his needs.

And right now, I have a hunger.

A hunger that is desperate to be fed.  A hunger that simply won’t be satisfied. 


So feed me, give it to me. Give me more!

Kissing you

I can see the expression in your eyes, even though they are hidden by the darkness of the blindfold that I've put in place. 

I lean over you as you lie there. I watch you.  

You are moving your head, trying to focus, trying to work out where I am, where you are. 

I can see the confusion in your face, the fear within you. I watch your shallow breathing, the fear building as you don't know what is to come.  Watching you swallow but your mouth is so dry that swallowing only makes it drier.  I watch your cock begin to twitch, a mixture of fear, arousal, longing.

I smile at the vulnerability that you're showing me. I smile at the trust that you're placing in me.

I lean into you, your head moves abrubtly trying to find where I am, you shiver as you feel my breath upon your neck. I trace my fingers along your jawline, your mouth trying to move towards my fingers, I grip your face to stop you moving, my fingers spread across your face.  I move closer to you and I feel you shift your body as you lean into me.  I pull you closer, leaning in only millimetres away from your lips, and your own are searching for mine, and I stay just far enough away that you cannot reach.

And I tease your lips with the very tip of my tongue, and I feel you leaning in to touch me.  I hold back, not allowing you to do so, and I tease you further.  And when I hear you moan, it gets me, and it goes straight to the pit of my stomach and I am hungry for you, to taste you, to kiss you.  And your mouth is so inviting and perfect, and your lips are so soft and as you part them slightly it is as if you are inviting me in. 

But nothing can prepare you for the force at which I move, one hand squeezing around your throat as I use that grip to pull you towards me, and I feel you try to grasp a breath and swallow with the shock of feeling such force after the tender and gentle kisses of moments earlier. 

And I press a little harder, stopping you from swallowing and I can feel your throat desperately reaching for air, to swallow. 

And I lean forward and kiss you hard, my tongue probing deep into your mouth, and you know what I am asking of you, demanding from you.  And you sense my urgency and I watch as you start to react, I watch your body react with the yearning, the bulge in your trousers beginning to grow. And I know that you feel it, and I know that you want it more, and this rising desire, the rising longing within me wants to bring you pain through my kiss, through my grip on your throat.

And your mouth is still searching, hungrily, and I grip you tighter, and your breathing becomes shallower and it is harder for you to draw breath and as I do so, I cover the whole of your mouth with mine, taking you. My other hand covering your nose.

I there I am taking you. Taking all of you.  I take your air, your breath, your desire, your longing.

And you offer it to me, every single thing. 

And I feel you moan into my mouth and the more I demand from you, the more you want to give me, and the tighter I grasp around your throat, the stronger your desperation, and the desire in the pit of my stomach is growing more and I want to take more from you, it makes me want to take even more of you, to touch you and taste you and devour every part of you.  And I pull you towards me, and I take all I can from your mouth with my own.

And I bite your lips to stop you pulling away, and I can feel the urgency at which you're trying to gasp for air, and you groan and moan, and sigh. And I hear you pleading without words. And I feel you strain against my grip as you try to pull away to get some air into your lungs and I want to get into you further, to take more from you and I want you to give me exactly what I want.

And I know that you will give me that. And you know that I will take it.

So many "blogs" . . .

 . . . so little time!

My head is buzzing with the content of what could be a hundred blog entries . .  . so many things happen, conversations with the boy, things that happen, my own thoughts and feelings about this journey, or things that I read on some of the many blogs I follow which I think I want to write about, reflect upon with my own thoughts . . .and yet,  just finding the time to sit and write, is almost an impossibility.

The daily grind!

It really does have an effect on everything.  Sometimes it pisses me off just how much the daily routine of "life" prevents me from doing the things I want to, need to. Of how it stops so much from becoming a reality, and it even stops me from finding time to get those thoughts out and about.

I have many "draft" posts, awaiting to be written, finished, and published.  I really must get try to find some time to get them "out there". 

I follow many blogs and enjoy reading, so many things I relate to, so many things which give me food for thought, and there really are some wonderfully written blogs out there, from so many different points of view, submissive, dominant, males in FLRs or WLMs, all of them which "feed" my thoughts and I think "Oh yes . . .must think on that further", and the blogs are there, somewhere in the depths.  I really must make an effort so they get to see the light of day LOL

In the meantime I do appreciate the comments that people leave, the messages I receive and it's always interesting to know who is reading and following ~ so welcome to the latest follower :) and thank you :)

Continued denial . . .

Well, the boy continues in his extended period of denial. 

Extended even beyond what I had intended due to his behaviour or more so inappropriate behaviour, he blogs HERE each and every day about his feelings in relation to his continued denial, and I honestly cannot tell you how long it is he has been denied for.

But then, you will also know, that I do not care how long he has actually been denied for.  Counting is one thing I have never done and I don't intend to start doing so now either.  The boy will remain denied for as long as I choose, for as long as I want. And if he does anything like he has done recently, his period of denial will continue to be extended!

There have been a couple of times in the past couple of weeks, most notably the day he asked to watch the rugby and spoiled my fun with his inappropriate comment which prevented him from being able to touch, to edge but more so to orgasm, I think that is even approaching a week or more ago.

Then there was the other night, after I made the effort to call the boy, my daytime routine is so busy and I hadn't been able to find so much time to talk to the boy.  But, instead of the boy appreciating it, he decided to behave like a child. 

Not only did this lead to an extension to the being denied an orgasm, it really did make me question whether there is any point at times in taking things further with the boy.  The boy is very aware of my thoughts regarding this, and he is fully aware that if he does what he did again, that seriously will have a BIG implication on anything of the "future".

He says he has learnt so much, lets hope he has learned that I mean what I say, and lets hope he doesn't find out the hard way! 

But his denial has and will continue.

I do not care how long it is.  I still do not count.  I have no intention of even beginning to. 

But, unless the boy stops doing the things that he is doing, it will continue way beyond even I had thoughts of. 

I read his chastity blogs that he writes, where he expresses his frustrations, where he expresses how he is struggling not to touch, how he longs to, how he is finding it so hard.  The boy knows he will not get any sympathy from me.  He knows I do not do sympathy.  He also knows that I can be very hard when it comes to such things and that his whinging, his pleading, his moaning will only push me to deny him further.

Why do I?

Yes of course it is because I can. 

But it is because I choose to.

It is because I have that control over him, something he hasn't had controlled in this way before and it really does for me, come down to the control aspects. 

Not so much the act itself, not so much that I deny his orgasms, not even so much that I control when he edges, when he touches, or if he doesn't. It is the fact that I control it. That I choose how, when, or not at all.  And it is that whole aspect of control which is why I enjoy and get so much from chastity and denial.

The boy did comment the other day that it had been 5 weeks since his last orgasm the other day, and I told him in passing "Oh you're one 10th of the way there", he didn't say a lot at the time, but yesterday when we were talking actually came and made a comment that it would mean 50 weeks without an orgasm!   He then went on to comment that he is unsure of whether I am joking, or whether I was in fact being serious.  He doesn't really need to ask!

I mean, has it really taken him that long to work it out LOL

I do wonder about the boy sometimes you know. 

And so my denial of him continues.  And it isn't so much that it has been so many days since he touched or edged or orgasmed, it is all about the control and the fact I control his denial, and how long it continues for. 

It will continue. But for how long, only time will tell!

Engage Brain!

The boy, has a tendency to come out with the most stupid of comments, statements or questions at times.  There are times my jaw will hit the floor at the lack of thought, or the sheer desperation of how darn stupid some of them are.  I can quite literally shake my head!

He may have learned some things, he keeps telling me he has learnt so much, but certainly do not include engaging his brain in that list!!!   Engaging it before he speaks, before he comes out with those statements, comments or questions is just something he has not mastered yet!

Take last friday.

The boy asked permission to be able to watch the rugby and in doing so would either be late online to chat or wouldn’t be there at all.  Fine, I said that was perfectly ok as I had plans for the evening anyway.  I did tell him to expect something out of the ordinary and that it would make his rugby experience far more interesting.

“why is there always a forfeit involved”

Forfeit?

Who said anything about a forfeit being involved? 

I had simply said that I was going to make his rubgy match more interesting.

Why would it be a forfeit?

It could be a treat, it could have been something nice.  I already had planned exactly what I was going to do with the boy, or indeed more so to the point what he was going to be doing.  But, just accepting, just isn’t something that the boy seems to be able to do.

Home life, is always busy with me, the boy is more than aware of that and as such my limited times in the evenings mean that the early part is spending doing all of the “normal” home and family things.  I was quite aware that the rugby was on, but with my son being around, I had fully intended to wait for half time and the second half. 

Was the boy patient enough to wait?

Was he hell!

Instead I got a text from the boy simply stating “Good mind fuck Mistress”

It hadn’t been a mindfuck. 

It wasn't a case that I had nothing planned and that it was just a passing comment of mine earlier that day.  I always have something planned. 

It was a mindfuck in the sense that he didn’t know what I had planned, but there was and always was a plan . . .I always had an intention of something happening. He just didn’t know what . . .or when.

Exactly how it should be.

But instead of waiting. Instead of accepting. The boy comes out with his comment.  A totally unappreciated comment at that!

So. I sent a response back to the boy, telling him that I did have plans, but because of his comment he was going to miss out and not to text back further.  I was at the time, really pissed off with the boys comment, his little “push” of a text. I didn't want to hear from him any further that evening.

And his comment, pushed me in the direction of denying the boy all that had been planned, that included the opportunity to edge. To release. To orgasm. TOUGH!

And you would think, that the boy would learn.

Except he doesn’t!

And we had chatted on the phone yesterday evening when I surprised him.  I actually felt sorry for the boy at one point when it was realised just how long it had been since we’d had a conversation on the phone and such contact.  I had decided at that time that I would give the boy a treat when he contacted me to say goodnight.

That contact never came.

Again, the boy has missed out.  The boy maybe hasn’t learnt yet. 

He will. 

He will learn to use his brain, to engage it first.

If he doesn’t, he is the only one that will miss out.  Frustrated or not, it will only get worse if he doesn't. 

I don't miss out. 

I don't care whether he is denied further or not. I don't care if he misses out. 

And although the boy said it was the worst punishment finding out what he had been denied after the event, I don't care about that either.

The boy WILL learn.