22 December 2010

It grows . . .

the need to hurt.

the need to humiliate. 


One of those things that you hate, but you love. 

You hate the way it feels, but love the way it feels.

Damn, how can you love something you hate, how can you love something that makes you cringe while you do it?

But you can.

You do. And it's so damn frigging good!

Your face may burn with the shame, with the humiliation, tears may fall at just how humiliated you do in fact feel (even better!), but it sends feelings coursing through the body and hits you in places that you cannot hide.  It makes you wet or it makes the cock twitch and stiffen regardless.

But, it isn't about that.  Not everything is about arousal and humiliation isn't, for me at least. Yes of course it is linked, feeling it, or making someone feel humiliated is arousing, yes, it is another thing that goes to that part of me also.

But it is more than that.

For me, it isn't about the act, it isn't about what I will ask the boy to do, it isn't about what I will force him to do, just as it isn't about arousal.

For me, it is the intention behind the act and the mindset involved.

For me, it is about exerting power, but also the thing which really is at the base of my need . . .


My having that control, his lack of it.  And using that control to make him aware of the depths that he will lower himself just to please, no matter how degrading, no matter how humiliating.

And it is that, the intention, the mindset, the power and control which makes the need to humiliate the boy grow.

I know that the boys body will betray him (just like my own did with me in the past) I know that however much he may hate something that he will do it, but that even if he is embarrassed and humiliated that his body will betray him, he will never be able to deny that it didn't.  I also know that those depths, the depths he will go to, will go lower, that the mindset will continue to change, to deepen, and those depths will continue to go lower still. 

His body betrays him in ways he probably doesn't know already. He is already betrayed by the tone of his voice, the way he breathes, the way he will start to say something and then stop because he realises that he is just digging himself into a deeper hole. 

And I like the fact that I will be able to do that, and I like the fact that he will not be able to hide it from me.  I demand transparency, it is one of the hard and fast rules along with honesty.  It isn't negotiable.  But that transparency enables me to get to know him so I can push those buttons, so I can know just to how create those feelings in him, but that I have the control to do that when and how I wish.

There have been a couple of instances in the past couple of days where I have instructed the boy to do different things, and he has said to me that when I have asked him how it has made him feel that he has said "humiliated". 

Good! *grins*

Yesterday for instance, while I was out yesterday evening I decided to give the boy a task to use some of the things that he had bought on the shopping list I had given him.

And, the boy turned my cock and balls into a Christmas decoration.  At the time, it wasn't something I had done to humiliate him, although I am sure on reflection now, that to stand there looking like that is somewhat humiliating LOL 

The boy has written about it and posted photos HERE

But, I had set him the task having been delving into reading about CBT and something which is an ever growing appeal to me also.  So, I had the boy tying on ribbon and tinsel around the cock and balls, I know damn well that it won't have been as tight as what I would have done it (and somewhat the point of it) and although the boy tells me that it caused "discomfort", I know damn well that it didn't cause as much as I would have done. 

But, he said it made him feel humiliated.  Humiliated that he could only touch My cock to decorate it, that he couldn't touch it for pleasure, he couldn't touch it for anything else.  I was, I will admit, a little surprised that humiliating feelings came in that way, but it makes the want, desire but the need to humiliate him grow even more!

I was surprised in the way he was humiliated, but this is where I love humiliation, love how it works, love how wonderfully subjective it is.  Because what he has found humiliating, I wouldn't have overly thought it was. But, he felt humiliation and it makes me smile, it makes me want to humiliate him all the more!

But as I wrote above, it isn't about the act itself, it is the intention behind it, and the mindset involved.  And it becomes clearer by the day, exactly where the boys mindset is already, and just how his mindset has changed in such a short space of time.

And that makes that need grow all the more, it makes me want to humiliate him all the more, and it isn't about whether he wants it or needs it, ultimately, I don't care if he wants it, it isn't about whether he is being denied, it isn't about making him aroused as there are many other ways to do that, it is about the control that I have, and that it is within my hands to humiliate him, that it is under my control what I do, how I do and when.

And it is that . . .for me . . .that makes it grow.

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